okay, it's 6:48 am.
i've been working since 7 am. i have not slept nor eaten a healthy meal,
sucked down enough cigarettes to kill me by 30 and my mind isn't altogether
here. but i wrote this fic because i had to.. it's yet another odd one..
sanity was never my strong point..
Spoilers: some for series and duo's past
Warning: i'm tired, i'm cranky.. oh and the fic is odd in a sappy kind
of way.. weee bit of angst.
Disclaimer: i own gw, right? or am i just delusional..
Note: This i dedicate to my nee-chan kea. she somehow inspired it. thank
I am strong. I don't say that
just because my ego is larger than the moon. I say it because it's true.
I mean, if I wasn't strong, I would have broken under the strain of this
war by now. I would have turn to a quivering mass of flesh when the Maxwell
Church burned to the ground with everyone in it. I might have even lost
my mind when Heero blew up his gundam and himself into the next dimension.
So, I'm strong. I can live through damn near anything, it seems. Physically,
I'm not the stellar example of strength, but hell, emotionally, I must
be the proverbial rock. Rock made from gundanium or something. In my short
fifteen years of breathing and living, I have yet to break. The death
of my closest childhood friend and mentor didn't break me. Seeing the
burnt and mangled bodies of Father Maxwell didn't break me. Sister Helen's
last blessing did not break me. Heero's near death did not break me.
That's why I have to wonder why it is that I'm crying right now. I wonder,
why the hell am I close to losing it?
Because of one stupid small thing. Because of words. Because Heero Yuy,
the perfect soldier himself, told me he loved me.
And meant it.
Yeah, I'm strong, but as soon as those words were out of Heero's mouth,
I ran like hell and hid. Heero won't find me anytime soon, I doubt that
he's even looking. But damn it, here I am with tears on my face and my
mind about to break under the strain.
The strain of being loved is worse than anything I can think of at this
point in time.
It's one thing to watch people die. Everyone, even those you care about
deeply, die one day. It's a fact of life. However you go, you go. Death
is the one constant, the one thing that everyone can share. I'm Shinigami,
right? Death is a friend of mine. As horrible as death is during war and
as terrible as death can be during peace, it is what it is. I got used
That makes me somewhat callous, I know, but I've seen too many dead people
and made too many people dead to really cry over it anymore. I've accepted
it. Death happens.
But love. The kind Heero spoke of. It is not a constant. It is a wildly
fluctuating thing that no one quite understands. I've known other kinds
of love, of course. You love your friends. I loved Solo like a brother.
You love your family. I loved Father Maxwell and Sister Helen like they
were my parents. You love your comrades. The other pilots are great. Those
kinds of love are things everyone knows at some point in their lives.
But that love that poetry likes, the love that girls my age swoon over,
the kind of love that people insist makes the world go around. That love
does not happen. Not like death. Not everyone gets to experience it, bask
in it. Not at all.
So when Heero said he loved me, as in 'I am in love with you', I ran.
And slowly, I think my mind is breaking. All because he said he loved
me. I'm strong. Strength allows you to survive horrors in life. Abuse,
death, pain, betrayal.. All those things can be overcome with strength.
And I have. Love though isn't so easy. Strength isn't enough to overcome
it, work around it or even ignore it. All I have is my strength. And it's
not enough to quell the frightening feeling deep in my stomach.
Heero Yuy loves me.
And I love him back.
And my mind cannot accept that. It's too foreign, too strange. The nausea,
the joy, any of it.
So I sit here in my little hiding place, crying like a lost child, my
mind slowly unraveling because I don't have the strength to face love.
Funny thing is, I'm not afraid of love. I don't fear it. If I did, I could
be strong and overcome the fear. It's something deeper than fear. Something
more frightening than being scared. It's absolute awe.
Death takes all. It takes everything in the end. Everything ends. But
love. It's forever, right? Never ends, never begins, it just is.
So how am I supposed to face something so vast and incomprehensible? I
am I supposed to have the strength to go up against something so beautiful
and startling? How can I ever face love knowing that I'll be lost somewhere
inside forever, something that doesn't end?
The answer is, I don't. I can't.
I'm not strong enough for love. I don't have the strength to stand inside
of love with my own two feet.
And so I cry more and I lose myself deeper and deeper into it.
But just before I slip into complete oblivion, there is a hand on my shoulder.
A warm hand, soft yet calloused, strong yet delicate. Heero.
He silently takes me in a hug, letting me cry. I cling to him, thinking
if I cling hard enough, I won't lose my mind.
"I love you."
My mind slips a little more with his admission. I can't help it now.
"Let me be here for you."
I don't understand. I can't. I'm not strong enough.
"None of us are strong by ourselves, Duo. Let me support you."
And with that, the world opened up anew in bright colors.
He would support me. He would be strong when I could not. He would lend
me his strength so I can stand again.
"You are my strength when I have none. Let me do that for you, too."
I'm going to let him. I know it. I'm not strong enough to face love by
myself, but with Heero, with our combined strength, we may be strong enough
to do it. We may have the strength to experience eternity.
The tears stop and my mind is at peace. Simply because Heero supported
Love. I'm not going to face it. Heero and I will do it together. And perhaps,
somewhere within the loop of forever, we'll have the strength to journey
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