here is yet another installment to my increasingly insane story. enjoy, laugh, etc...
Author: 0083
Title: Superheroes 2/?
Genre: parody, humor (if you like my kind of humor)
Pairings: 1x2x1. Told you it was coming.
Warning: weirdness, huge plot holes, nonsensical plot (i have one?)
Disclaimer: i don't own GW... sigh..

Superheroes + 2

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

This strain of intelligent conversation lasted five hours before an exasperated and pissed off Wufei tackled the nay-sayer Duo and aye-sayer Heero onto the ground.

"Do you guys even remember what you're arguing about?"

"No." So sayeth Duo.

"Yes." So sayeth Heero.

"AARGH!" So screameth Wufei.

Yet another typical day in the hideout (or hall, or whatever) continued until their leader Quatre noticed something.

A signal going off on the console. Something that had never happened during their month stay in the hideout (or hall, or whatever).

"Holy crap! The signal is going off!"

All able bodied superheroes (five to be exact) gathered around the blinking red light. It was mesmerizing, the way it kept blinking on and off. But what did it mean?

"An earthquake?"

"No, Wufei. Zero System says it's something worse."

"An alien invasion!"

"Wrong, Duo. Something scarier."

"The planet is under severe environmental stress due to all the pollution and chemical spillage which sullied our pure oceans, put holes in the ozone and messed up the ecological system that nature intended!"

"Ah ha. That's enough caffeine for you today, Trowa."

"The earth is going to blow up."

"Think bigger and more horrible, Heero."

Silence followed. What could be so bad that all their imaginations could not come up with the reason the light was blinking?

They got their answer in the form of an e-mail.

"We got e-mail!"

Well, duh, Quatre a.k.a. Desert Noble.

"What does it say?"

If Trowa was curious, the message had to be important. Quatre, because he was their leader and was sitting right in front of the e-mail console, decided that he would read it out loud.

"Ahem. Let's see. The e-mail says:

By now, your pathetic alarm system has gone off, warning you too late of my arrival on your pathetic planet. I am here for one reason and one reason only! What that reason is, you will find out too late, you pathetic superheroes! While you are reading, I have already arrived! Quail before me! I am the Peacecraft!

That's the message."

Contemplation ensued.

"What the hell is a Peacecraft?" Duo wondered out loud.

"Quail? Isn't that a bird?" Trowa searched his memory for that particular species of fowl, convinced that it was the most important part of the message.

"Pathetic? How dare he! Or she!" Said the suddenly politically-corrected version of Wufei.

"Shouldn't we go stop the Peacecraft?" Heero pondered, cracking his knuckles and smiling at the possibility of imminent violence and mayhem. "Because I am the leader, I will find out what this Peacecraft is!"

Four heads turned to Quatre. Yes, he did have a good idea there. They must know their enemy before engaging in fighting, or quailing.

"Wufei! Bring me the Webster's Tenth Edition Dictionary of Supervillain Names!"

"A what? We have one?"

Quatre rolled his aquamarine eyes far enough to see the back of his skull.

"Of course we do. It's in our library."

"We have a library?"

Quatre let out a sigh that could have dispelled the flames of hell.

"Yes, Duo, we have one. It's next to the freaking kitchen, you know."

"Oh. Right. That room. The room Heero and I screw like rab-"

At that point, Heero used his oft celebrated superhero power of strength and threw Duo into a wall. On the other side of the hideout (or hall, or whatever).

"Screw like rab? When did that happen?"

Duo could not answer Quatre since he was currently oozing down the far wall in a liquid mass thanks to the impact. Heero was forced to do the talking.

"It happened. A while back. Don't you hear the noises?"

"Screw like rab.. rabbis?"

Obviously, Quatre had not gotten the full import of the rab- comment or its reply.

"Rabbis? Try rabbits."

Of course, it would be Trowa the animal expert who would correct Quatre.

"Screw? But we're superheroes! We do not have sex with each other! Or guys."

Poor Wufei. Little did he know.

"Superheroes so have sex with other guys."

Duo said after he finally managed to gain his former shape (and what a beautiful shape it is).

Heero actually nodded in agreement. Wufei was still skeptical.

"Oh really? Name one."

"Batman."

Duo's unhesitating answer threw Wufei off a little. "Batman?"

"Yes, Wuffie, Batman. Why do you think he has Robin around?"

"It's Wufei! And Robin is a sidekick."

"Yeah, in more ways than one. Look at it this way – dark cave, two men alone in there all the time, and they both have a thing for spandex. Sounds like the beginnings of a porn and I bet that's where the action is, too."

"So Batman and Robin do it."

"All the time."

"What about Superman? He has Lois Lane, a perfectly heterosexual thing."

"He's in the closet."

"The closet?"

"Yep. So far in it that he thinks he's straight. Poor, misconceived soul."

Wufei and Duo would have kept on going down the list of known superheroes if Quatre had not lost his patience.

"Who needs to know about that now? We're in research mode, people! Wufei, the Dictionary please?"

"Fine, don't get all Zero system on me, okay? Where was it again?"

"The library. It's on the shelf with our references, along with Great Lines to Threaten Your Enemies volumes one through eight, and How to Go to the Bathroom in a Leotard Suit."

"Gotcha. Justice will be served."

"Heero, pay up."

"Damn it! Not again!"

+

The Dictionary of Supervillain Names was finally fetched and Quatre looked up ‘the Peacecraft' in the huge tome.

"Ah ha! I found it."

"What is it?" Four voices asked.

"According to this Dictionary, the Peacecraft is a legendary supervillain with the potential for becoming an arch-nemesis. It is capable of tracking anyone anywhere and no one has survived its coming. The most feared name in the universe, next to E-Z Cheese."

"How can we tell if something or someone is a Peacecraft?"

"I'm so glad you asked me that, Trowa. The answer is, it constantly makes a high pitched sound much akin to teenage girls in Backstreet Boys concerts."

"I'm afraid, Heero."

"Me, too, Duo. Let's go have some wild monkey sex involving leathers and other toys unmentionable in polite company."

"Okay."

"Hey, I'm not done!"

But Heero and Duo had already disappeared into the library and Quatre was ignored.

"I'm not going into that library until it is thoroughly cleaned. It's injustice!"

"Quatre, pay up."

"Fuck."

+

Meanwhile, somewhere on earth, the Peacecraft sat surrounded by her minions. She was busy with the standard villain speech.

"Soon, we will conquer the earth!"

Cheers.

"We will be victorious!"

More cheers.

"We will cover the earth with everlasting peace!"

Utter silence. The pink wearing, wheat blond, blue eyed Peacecraft known as Relena looked about confused until a long blond haired girl with eyebrow problems stepped onto the podium to whisper in her ear.

"Oh.. I mean, we will cover the earth with chaos and darkness!"

Loud cheers.

Yes, evil was preparing while the Gundam Five, the last hope of humanity, researched in their hideout (or hall, or whatever). Well, some researched. Heero and Duo were too busy with some explicit sex scenes that even Cinamax wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Does the Gundam Five have a chance against the Peacecraft, or to be more specific, the Relena Peacecraft?

Will they ever find out more about the Peacecraft before it is too late?

Will Quatre and Trowa follow Heero and Duo's footsteps and get it on?

Will Wufei ever get it on?

The eternal mysteries of the universe will be answered.. in the next episode!

Or maybe in a few more episodes from now.  

[part 1] [part 3] [back to 0083's fic]