And so 0083 went down further and further into the rabbit hole...
Author: 0083
Title: Superheroes
Genre: Humor, Parody, silliness
Pairings: 1x2x1, but more to come in the final part
Warnings: bad language, sexual reference, etc.
Disclaimer: I don't own GW...
Note: It's 2am. I went off the deep end..

Superheroes + 4

"Ah ha!" Quatre yelled triumphantly, holding up a piece of paper. It was the location of the Peacecraft, complete with driving directions from Yahoo Mapquest. Then Quatre realized that he had received no responses. The hideout (or hall, or whatever) was empty.

"Where the hell are they now?"

Sighing, Quatre went looking for his fellow superheroes. After all, they now knew where the great evil resided and fighting had to commence. It was their job.

+

Quatre paused just outside of the room Duo and Heero shared and carefully listened. There seemed to be no one in there, but with those two, one had to be extra careful. Wufei had accidentally walked in on them the other day and had lost a pint of blood through the nose.

"Hey, Heero, Duo, you guys in there?"

Instead of a response, Quatre heard noises. Quatre pressed his ear to the door, trying to make out the sounds.

"Go.. slowly.."

That muffled voice sounded like Heero.

"So tight.. mmph.."

That sounded like Duo.

"Wriggle.. makes it.. easier.."

"Just feels.. urmph.."

"How about some lube?"

"Good idea.. slather it on me."

"Feels better, right?"

"Mmmm.. sliding right in.."

Quatre shook his head. Those two were at it again. But now was not the time for mindless, mind-blowing sex! It was time for action! Well, the other kind of action.

But wait. This was a cliché, a staple. Hearing something that sounds like sex and then realizing that they are doing something completely innocent. Quatre nodded knowingly, complementing his superior intelligence. Of course they were in there doing something completely unrelated to sex, like putting on spandex or something.

So Quatre opened the door.

And saw a scene straight out of 'Hustler'. Only with two boys.

And whips. Leather. Holy crap, was that a handcuff? And what was with the trapeze? Not to mention the array of vibrators.

And what was Heero doing with that cucumber?

Was it a cucumber? Could Quatre possibly ever eat a salad again?

And just what the hell was plugged into the electric socket?

Quatre closed the door. He would never ever open their door again, not ever.

+

Several hours later, Wufei and Trowa found Quatre curled in the fetal position, mumbling something about vegetables, the electric bill and the Peacecraft.

"Shit, did Quatre become one with the Zero system again?"

"No. From the symptoms he's exhibiting, I'd say he walked in on Heero and Duo's fun time."

"What makes you say that, Wufei?"

"I was like that for a whole day after I saw them."

"That bad?"

"Or good. Depends on how you look at it."

+

Finally, Heero and Duo stopped having sex long enough to rejoin the world. Quatre regained his mind and they planned to take the Peacecraft down.

+

"Are we on the right street?"

"We have to be. How hard can it be to find a pink mansion?"

"Quatre, are you sure those directions are right?"

"I got it off Mapquest. It's never wrong."

Poor, misguided Quatre.

+

Several more hours passed and their aimless wandering brought them to a giant pink mansion with a curlicue 'P' on the gate.

"It looks like Barbie's Dream House."

"And just how do you know what Barbie's Dream House looks like, Wufei?"

"Go bother someone else, Duo."

"Like Heero?"

"Don't you think about anything else, you lech?"

"Oh, the gates are opening."

"Trowa, that probably means trap. No, it is a trap. With capital letters."

"You afraid to go in, Heero?"

"Anyone would be afraid to go into something that pink."

"True."

But because they were the Gundam Five, superheroes of the universe, they girded up their loins and walked into the Peacecraft's giant pink house. The things they did for the safety of humanity..

+

"Oh ho ho ho ho ho! You have fallen into my trap perfectly!"

The Peacecraft gloated, laughing a high pitched laugh that put hyenas to shame.

"You pathetic fools! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho!"

The Gundam Five winced in pain. It hurt to hear her. But it would take more than that to deter Wufei.

"You will not win, Peacecraft! Your attacks won't work on me!"

"Attack? I haven't done that yet."

"What do you call that awful noise you just made?"

"Just who are you to insult me?"

"I am the Dragon of the Gundam Five, the soldier of Justice, defender of love!"

Utter silence followed. Then..

"Soldier of justice?"

"Defender of love?"

"Where did he get those lines?"

Wufei glared at his fellow superheroes.

"Don't you guys do any research before fighting?"

"We did, Wufei, but what the hell are you talking about? And what's with the posing?"

Sighing, Wufei tossed Duo the manual he had studied meticulously to prepare for the ordeal against the Peacecraft.

"Hm. 'The Art of Being a Superhero.' You read this, Wufei?"

"Cover to cover, Duo. Now I'm the perfect superhero, as the book describes."

"Yeah, but did you read the fine print?"

"Fine print? What fine print?"

"Under the title, it says 'This edition is for the shoujo superheroes, mainly magical girls.'"

"Girls???"

"That would explain the whole sailor fuku outfit Wufei has on."

"You know, I was wondering about the whole skirt thing too, Trowa. I never thought Wufei would be a cross dresser."

Wufei went red in the face.

"I WAS ONLY FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS!!!"

He was ignored as Quatre continued his musings. "I mean, not only the sailor outfit, but the high heels too."

"I don't know, Quatre. I think the bow is kind of nice."

"The tiara's a nice touch too. If he was a girl superhero."

By this time, the Peacecraft realized that she was being overlooked, all because the one who had challenged her had messed up his wardrobe. That would not do.

"Hey, we're starting an epic battle here! Pay attention!"

And so, the five superheroes look at the Peacecraft. Yes, they did have a fight coming up. There was no time to wonder about Wufei's clothing choice.

+

And the epic battle begins! And like any good episode, there will be a commercial intervention! How will our superheroes do in their battle against the ghastly Peacecraft?

Will they win?

Will Wufei ever get out of the sailor fuku?

Until next time..

[part 3] [part 5] [back to 0083's fic]