it's over!!! waaahh thank you everyone who read. i truly enjoyed writing it. i hope it brought some laughter.
Author: 0083
Title: Superheroes
Genre: Parody, Humor
Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4x3, 5xwhatever's available
Warnings: language, sex, etc..
Disclaimer: I don't own GW.

Superheroes + 5

In the last episode, our intrepid superheroes faced off against the Peacecraft in a fight for peace, freedom and other wonderful things. Wufei fought for dignity and fashion sense, not to mention the justice and love thing.

Now, on with the battle..

+

"You will not win, Peacecraft!"

At the challenge, the Peacecraft merely let out another round of hideous laughter.

"Hey, Quatre, maybe we should stop taunting her."

"Why is that, Trowa?"

"She keeps laughing. If this keeps up, I'm going to go deaf."

"Right."

However, the Peacecraft ran out of breath and stopped laughing. Gasping for much needed breath, the Peacecraft began her villainous speech.

"You have fallen into my trap! None of you will survive! You cannot stop me from bringing everlasting peace to earth!"

At that moment, a blond apparition appeared beside the Peacecraft and whispered into her ear.

"Everlasting peace?"

Duo's confused question echoed around the large vaulted room. Heero looked like he was on the verge of reintroducing his breakfast onto the floor – i.e. the poor boy was about to throw up.

"No! Anything but.. peace.."

By that time, the blond next to the Peacecraft had stopped the whispering. The Peacecraft nodded in perfect understanding.

"Oh yes, of course, Dorothy. I meant, everlasting chaos. Excuse my blunder. My speech writer has the day off."

Heero breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, they could get to the violence. He readied himself for a full out assault.

"You don't honestly think you'll fight me right now, do you?"

The Gundam Five stared at the Peacecraft. What was she rambling about now?

"I mean," the Peacecraft continued oblivious to the confounded superheroes, "it is customary that you fight my lackeys, become severely injured, if not die, before you fight my gloriousness and all that."

Oh yes. They had forgotten about the standard pre-supervillain lackey fighting sequences.

"So, come forth, my minions! Destroy them all!"

And nothing. There was no outpouring of minions at all.

"Ah, Peacecraft, you DO have minions, right?"

The Peacecraft fumed, her scarlet face clashing horribly against her pink taffeta spandex bathing suit type outfit.

"Of course I do! Dorothy, where are those worthless idiots?"

"Ah, Relena-sama, I believe they are at lunch."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you told them to be here at noon, but your nemesis.. or is it nemesises? Nemesi? Oh hell, what is the plural for nemesis?"

"Nemeses. And where are you going with your useless rambling?"

"Oh. I meant to say that your arch-nemeses were late by several hours. So the minions got hungry and went out for lunch."

"Damn it."

The Peacecraft turned to the awaiting Gundam Five. They were still waiting for an attack.

"Look," she began, "because of your tardiness, my minions are unavailable to fight you at the moment. Could you wait for a while?"

Wufei immediately agreed.

"Yes, we can wait. It will give me time to change."

"No! We finished this now!"

Quatre countered Wufei because he had the right outfit on. Also, he was the leader. Therefore, he had the final say, the power to veto.

The Peacecraft let out a sigh. If that was the way they wanted it, then fine.. She would show them.

"Dorothy! Go get them!"

"Me? Why not you?"

"Because I'm the supervillain. I don't ever fight first. Besides, you are my number one lackey. You have to obey me."

"Yeah, right! You don't pay me enough for this."

"I don't pay anyone. I'm an arch-villain! You do what I tell you because you worship me."

"Oh please, who's on the high and mighty ego trip?"

"You fight them! If you don't, I'll.. I'll.."

"You'll what? Make me wear your pink spandex taffeta?"

"No. I will tell them the secret story about your.. eyebrows."

Gasp.

"You wouldn't!"

The Peacecraft smiled evilly.

"I would."

While the Peacecraft and her lackey Dorothy were arguing, the Gundam Five had taken comfortable seats on the floor, passing popcorn around to each other. This was better than a soap opera.

"What do you think the story is behind those eyebrows?"

"Childhood trauma."

"Duo, you think everything is childhood trauma."

"Yeah, it explains 99.9 percent of everything."

"And the 0.1 percent?"

"Geez, Heero, do I have to spell it out for you? 0.1 percent is the psycho factor."

"You don't say."

"That's right, Heero. Every superhero and supervillain has a sob story. Therefore, I bet the story behind the eyebrows is a childhood experience that caused pain."

"What's your sob story, Duo darling?"

"Darling? What the.. Nevermind.. Anyway, if you want my sob story, go read Episode Zero."

"The what?"

"Oh yeah, this is a parody.. I'm not supposed to say things that are self-realizing.. Damn."

+

The conversations went on. The sun started to set. Finally, the Peacecraft gave up on her minions coming back.

"Oh fine. I'll fight myself."

The Peacecraft wanted Dorothy to fight, but after their long argument, her blond lackey was tired and drooping onto the floor. It was not the most auspicious beginning to an epic battle at all.

+

"Okay, are we ready to fight?"

"Yes, Peacecraft! Let's go at it!"

Silence.

"Sheesh, Quatre, that sounded really bad.."

"Get your mind out of the gutter Duo."

"But!"

The Gundam Five sighed. What did the Peacecraft want now?

"We must observe the rules."

With that said, the Peacecraft dragged out a book bigger than herself from the alternate dimension place where all villains and superheroes kept their weapons and such. She began reading.

"Rule number one. Threatening opening parlay."

"We did that."

"Check. Rule number two. Minion fighting."

"You fucked that up."

"No, you guys did. Scratch that.. Rule number three. Civilian casualties."

"Don't you mean, ‘no civilian casualties'?"

"Whatever. My mansion is no where near anything populated anyway. Moot point."

"Move along, then. We don't have all night."

"Shut up, you pathetic superheroes! Rule number four. Attacks interspersed by explanations of my motivations behind my plot."

"What?"

But the Gundam Five never got their answer. The Peacecraft attacked.

+

"We are.." Dodge. "Getting.." Scamper. "Killed here!" Roll for cover.

Duo had the rights of it. The Peacecraft was kicking their asses.

"I'd be better off.." Dive. "If it weren't for.." Slide. "these high heels.." Scramble. "These are.." Run. "a bitch to run in." Roll for cover.

Wufei was having the hardest time of all the superheroes. He was greatly hampered by his fuku, not to mention the god awful shoes. How did women walk on these torture devices?

By now, all the Gundam Five had taken cover. The Peacecraft intensified her attacks, occasionally throwing in bits and pieces about her devious plot.

"I will bring chaos to earth because you earthlings ruined my life!"

Fireball. Singe.

"You took away the only precious thing in my life!"

Thunderbolt. Crackle.

The ranting continued, but the Gundam Five wasn't really paying attention. They were more worried about getting fried by a random fireball, not about her motivations. All they really heard was the booming from explosions and "Blah blah blah, etc etc, blah.."

And they say superheroes care.

+

"We have to attack at some point. This is getting pitiful."

Duo nodded in agreement with Quatre. They were superheroes, for Pete's sake. Even if one of them was an inadvertent cross-dresser.

"Then we go all out on the count of three, okay?"

"What do you mean, go out, oh illustrious leader?"

"Jump out from behind the cover and attack at once."

"But oh profound leader, we all have different attack timing."

"Stop the sarcasm and tell me what the problem is, Duo."

"Me, sarcastic? Oh no, oh obvious one."

At this point, Heero yanked on Duo's braid and shut him up. They needed a plan, not an internal dissension.

"So, ready to attack or what?"

"Wait, Quatre."

"What is it, Trowa?"

Poor Quatre. He sounded fed up.

"Well, I still haven't memorized my attack sequence. It's a long sequence, combining posing, flashy lights, and inane words."

"Trowa, while you're doing that, the Peacecraft would fry you into crispy jerky."

"But it seems to be a necessity.."

"You read the same book as Wufei, didn't you."

"Yeah, but not the part on the wardrobe. I'm in spandex."

"Where did you get those?"

"I raided Heero's closet. You would not believe some of the stuff in his closet."

"Don't tell me. I beg of you.."

+

Somehow, the Gundam Five came to an agreement. The Peacecraft was still pounding them with various attacks of destructive nature, mindlessly screaming out her plot, the wrongs done to her, etc. No one was really paying attention so it was not heard.

"Three!"

At Quatre's signal, all five jumped out. They attacked as they had planned. Several injuries were inflicted. Clothes were ripped. Property was destroyed. Dorothy was accidentally zapped. In the end of this epic struggle, the Peacecraft was defeated. She sat with her shoulders sagged before the triumphant Gundam Five.

"So, are you going to kill me now?"

Quatre quickly flipped through the rulebook.

"Rule number one thousand eight hundred forty four section B, subsection 4 paragraph nine says that we are not allowed to kill anyone, not even a supervillain."

"Is there an exception?"

Heero had sounded a little too enthusiastic there.

"Yes. Accidental death."

Heero eyed the Peacecraft. Accidental, huh. He could arrange that.

"No Heero."

"Party pooper."

"We put her in jail."

"Quatre, with her powers, haven't you considered that jail is a little bit.. worthless?"

"Our other option is turn her to the side of good."

"Jail it is."

That ended the Peacecraft threat.

+

The Gundam Five made it safely back to their hideout (or hall, or whatever). Duo and Heero immediately disappeared into their room and noises ensued. A lot of moaning, groaning, creaking, slapping, grunting noises.

"They never tire."

"Stamina is a good thing."

Quatre eyed Trowa. It was about time that he got some. After all, he was the leader.

"So Trowa, you wanna go have some illicit jungle sex?"

"Oh yeah. Hold on, let me borrow a few things from Heero."

"I'll be waiting."

Quatre swished into his room. Trowa watched him go and then knocked on the busy sex driven bunnies' room.

"Heero, I need to borrow someth-"

Before he had finished, the door slammed open and Heero threw a bag at him. The door shut swiftly and Heero and Duo began making noises again.

Trowa took the bag to Quatre's room and they looked at the contents.

"Chains."

"Cat-o-nine-tails."

"Climbing rope?"

"How the hell does this thing strap?"

"Why does this have an extension cord?"

Questions aside, the two of them decided to emulate Heero and Duo.

+

Wufei sat alone in the hideout (or hall, or whatever) and tried not to listen to two sets of moaning, grunting, groaning, etc noises coming through the walls. It was not fair. There were five of them and he was left out. Not fair at all.

So he plugged himself into the Zero System.

"Pleasure me, Zero!"

And who says not everyone has a happy ending..

+

Is this the end?

Will there be a sequel?

Is the threat really over?

And how is the Zero system pleasuring Wufei?

So many questions, but alas, the saga is over..

Or is it?

[part 4] [back to 0083's fic]