Author: Anria
[ ] = song lyrics

`. . . I get along without you very well' (Hoagy Carmichael, 1939)

I've Forgotten Everything

[I've forgotten everything about you
'Til someone says your name
I've forgotten everything
'Til someone tells me that you rang]

I stare at Trowa, then at Duo. What do they hope to achieve? Making me take Duo back?

What? If anything it would be me begging him to take me back. . . .

Shut up Yuy! Just shut up! You have to be strong: you know what's best for him. For them. Even if they won't admit it.

"So, Heero," Duo says. "Long time no see."

I don't reply. Like usual, I can't think of anything to say.

Duo's smile fades as I don't reply to his jovial opening comment, letting me see the seriousness underneath. "We need to talk."

"No we don't."

"Don't be an idiot, Yuy." Trowa this time. Oh joy. Two against one, and these aren't incompetent Oz bastards. "You do need to talk."

"You're the one who said this had nothing to do with you," I snap at him. Oh, aren't I just the one with the great comebacks these days? Dammit, now I'm getting sarcastic with myself. If he's getting to me so much with just two sentences, I'm in deep shit.

[The memories are hazy now
I don't recall at all
There's nothing, there's nothing there
Just me
And I don't understand why]

Dammit Yuy! All he's doing is looking at you. Just looking. Just looking out of those big eyes, one moment blue, the next violet. . . .

Oh pull yourself together. How can just looking at his eyes affect you so much?

Because I don't remember why I pushed them away.

Uso. I do remember why. It was what was best for him. . . .

"Don't lie to yourself, Heero. The first person you truly love is the one who you always love." Duo looks so serious. So unlike himself. And I did this to him? I took away the smiles?

"When did we get into philosophy?"

"Don't you remember? You were the one who caught me reading Nietzsche's Thus Spoke Zarathustra, after all."

I stare at him, trying to remember.

[I can't recollect my feelings
'Til someone mentions that they saw you
I really don't remember all the things you said
'Til someone shows me where you live]

And suddenly I remember. I do.

It was in the war. The first one, in 195 AC. Eight years ago now. . . . How time flies. Anyway, I came into our room in the safehouse after one of the easiest missions of the war to find Duo on his back on the bed with a hardback book in his hands.

Duo reading a book was a strange enough sight on its own. When I realized what he was reading, shock hit.

Duo reading a book on philosophy? Duo?

If it was Wufei, I could have understood it. That boy always had his nose in a book. Still does. But Duo? The crudest of us all? The one who read perverted mangas which always seemed to involve homosexual sex of some kind, and not always voluntary? Duo was reading Nietzsche?

I remember that night, and wonder how I could have forgotten it.

Because that was our first night together. As lovers.

[Why is everything so hazy now
I don't recall at all
There's nothing, there's nothing there
Just me
And I don't understand why]

I shake my head, coming back to the present. Dammit Duo! Why did you have to remind me of that night? Now it's even harder to remember why I pushed you away.

"Heero? You remember now?"

"I remember."

Good, good, that's better; came out sounding cold. Keep it up like that, Yuy, and you'll have no problem getting through this.

Duo suddenly shakes his head, light catching on his chestnut hair. Beautiful. . . . Stupid hormones. "This is getting us nowhere," he says, and walks towards me. I push the chair back from the desk, wondering what he's up to now. That was always the thing about Duo, I suddenly recall -- you never knew what to expect next.

And it appears that pushing the chair back was a bad idea. Since now Duo's straddling my lap, opening my mouth with his tongue.

In my shock, I had let my mouth open at the oh-so-familiar and yet oh- so-strange touch of his. Kami-sama! It's been so long. . . .

[I can't recall your smile
The touch of your hand holding mine
And I can't remember why
Holding you seemed so right]

I hear a door opening and closing. Seems Trowa's left.

Despite my determination to push Duo away, I find myself melting into his touch. God, I need him. . . . Why am I so weak? A soldier shouldn't need anyone else. A soldier shouldn't want another's smiles. A soldier shouldn't long for another person so badly he wakes up in the middle of the night crying with need. . . .

I guess I'm not a soldier any more.

I moan, and my hands sink into his hair, holding him to me. Dammit Duo! I'd nearly made myself forget this. . . . Nearly made myself forget him. . . .

Why was I doing that, again?

I can't remember. . . .

There was a good reason, I'm sure --

So why can't I remember it?

Because he would be better off without me, with someone else. . . . Can't be. That's a pathetic cop-out from someone who's running from their feelings. . . .

And all of a sudden I realize what I've done.

[The memories they're hazy now
I don't recall at all
There's nothing, there's nothing there
Just me
And I don't understand why]

I tear my mouth from his and bury my face in his neck, sobbing out, "Duo -- I'm so sorry --"

He strokes the back of my neck. "Shh, koi," he whispers, and that one little word nearly undoes me completely. "It's okay, it's okay. Everything's gonna be fine. . . ."

I shake my head against his neck, hot tears washing over my face and his shirt. "I'm sorry -- I was wrong -- I --" I break down into incoherency, holding him as tight to me as I can. "Don't leave me," I whisper. "Koibito. . . ."

He pulls back, taking my face in his hands. I can see him smiling, although there are tears in his eyes as well. But Duo doesn't cry. My koi doesn't cry -- he never learned how. "You admit you were wrong?" he says to me. I nod, the tears still falling. He strokes them away with his thumb. "Would you take me back?"

I glare at him, regaining some of my old self. "What kind of a stupid question is that, baka?"

"A stupid question from a baka who wants an answer," he replies.

"Hai. Would you take me back?" Jeez, Yuy, what is it with you and comebacks? We really have to work on this. . . .

He grins at me, and it's his old manic grin, one I hadn't seen in -- in -- in way too long. "What kind of a stupid question is that, Yuy? Would I be sitting here in your lap if I didn't want you?" All of a sudden his smile vanishes. "But don't ever hit me again. I mean it, Hee-chan. I love you more than my own soul, but there's only so much I can take."

I nod, but I can hardly suppress the glowing excitement that starts to take over me.

Duo eyes me suspiciously. "Why are you grinning, Hee-chan?" he says.

"Just because of that," I reply. "Hee-chan."

He looks confused now. "You hate me calling you that. You always tell me not to."

"I've changed my mind. I love it. I love you."

I've changed my mind because if someone's calling me Hee-chan, it has to be him. And if he's calling me Hee-chan, then it means he's staying with me. And if he's staying with me, then it means I'm not gonna wake up in the middle of the night any more, crying because he's not there.

I don't tell him that. I have a feeling he knows.

[I've forgotten everything about you
'Til someone says your name
I've forgotten the reasons I loved you
'Til someone tells me that you rang]

Duo shakes his head at my strangeness, and kisses me again. I respond wholeheartedly.

I'm not giving up this again. I'm never letting you go again, Duo, my love.

Not even if you insist on sitting in my lap and kissing me when all the other Preventers in the office walk back in and stare at us. Which they're doing now.


[back to Anria's fic]