by Anria Lalumin
Beyond the horizon of
the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
of the division bell had begun
Duo stared at the mobile suit
carriers. Soon it would be over. One last battle. That’s it.
He clutched Deathscythe’s
controls fiercely, trying not to let his anxiety overrun him. Face
it, Maxwell, he growled at himself. Part of your anxiety is anxiety
over what the anxiety is for. He snorted. That sounded pretty ridiculous,
even to him.
The grin vanished. It was
true. What was he anxious about? His friends? Whether or not he would
survive the battle? Whether they would be able to end this pointless war?
Or whether they wouldn’t?
Once the war was over, what
was holding them together? What would be able to keep the five of them
as friends or acquaintances at the very least? They’d been together too
long for one battle to finish it all.
But one battle could.
Long Road and on down the Causeway
Do they still meet there by the Cut
Duo waited for the others
to arrive. This was their monthly gathering, suggested by him, so that
all five Gundam pilots could keep in touch with each other. They’d picked
a beautiful spot, in a little-used area of a park in England. All green,
with the lake stretching before them, the cool breeze bringing the scent
of pine trees.
Duo waited for hours. Wufei
called to say he couldn’t come for personal reasons. Quatre called to
apologise for an overly long meeting. Trowa called, saying he’d come down
with the flu and Catherine was insisting he stay in bed.
Heero didn’t call.
Duo waited for nine hours
past the meeting time, staring into the lake, noting the silver reflection
of the sky on the top and the inky depths beneath. He tried not to let
his tears fall.
He’d known this would happen.
Dammit, he’d known.
But everyone except his wartime
a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay
Quatre got home and collapsed,
groaning, onto his bed. Nearly a year. Nearly a year, since the war had
ended, and he had taken over as head of Winner Enterprises Limited.
His sisters meant well, he
supposed, but they had overloaded him with work, then complained that
he wasn’t looking well. He had called Duo once, telling him that there
was no point in him saying he could come to their monthly meetings any
more, since he was only going to have to call on the day and say he couldn’t
make it. Duo had tried not to let his pain show. More than any other one
of them, Duo wanted to keep in touch with everyone else.
Quatre had dreamed of a life
after the war that wasn’t touched by any kind of pain, where there would
be no more killing, no more use for the Gundams or their pilots. But now,
once again, there were signs of a group mobilising for war.
And Quatre, as hard as he
tried to find time to look into this, had his hands tied by the demands
of his family and his work.
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The nights of wonder
Heero lay in his bed, staring
up at the ceiling, wondering why he had been afraid to go to Duo’s monthly
meetings. Wondering why he had been afraid to call his former lover and
just talk to him.
He remembered back during
the war, when everything had seemed so different. He and Duo had told
each other they would be lovers, give each other comfort, just during
the war. He had thought that was all he would need. The time after the
war seemed to stretch like an open expanse of green field that Heero longed
for, and yet was afraid to want, because he wasn’t supposed to survive
the war. A soldier has no life beyond war. A small, niggling voice had
often asked him, what are you fighting for? And he never had an answer,
not one beyond ‘a soldier lives to fight.’
He wanted an answer.
He remembered dreaming once,
of what it would be like if he lived after the war. He remembered thinking
even the light would seem brighter on Earth, because the sun would no
longer be afraid to shine on war. He had been all for Duo’s idea of them
getting together often, being surrounded by those four people he had come
to care for more than anyone else in the world. Not that he would admit
it, but the feelings were there.
Then he remembered during
the war, longing for a mission (or the lack of one) that would let him
be near to Duo, because whenever he turned to him in the night, the braided
boy would give him more than anyone else ever had. More joy, more pleasure,
Several times Heero had wondered
what he had to give the boy in return. During the war, fine, he could
give companionship, a warm body, understanding when the boy occasionally
let the mask slip and showed the pain he felt at all the deaths. But afterwards?
Nothing. Nothing that could convince Heero he should stay, anyway. And
that above all was why he had left Duo.
Duo deserved better than him.
beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
Trowa sat outside in the middle
of the night, staring up at the stars while all around him the circus
performers slept in their trailers.
He closed his eyes. He’d tried
to make a new life for himself, he truly had. He’d tried to forget his
love for Quatre which was undoubtedly unrequited, though Trowa had never
gathered enough courage to ask. He tried to forget being a soldier, which
was all he had known for so long.
He’d tried. He’d tried so
hard to be the brother Catherine wanted him to be, to be the performer
and friend the Ringmaster wanted him to be, tried so hard to forget his
past and look to the future.
He made a few steps that way,
but now found himself back where he started.
The Barton Group.
He knew what he had to do.
And God he hated it. It was just like during the war, just like with Oz,
too close for comfort...
Then he shut his eyes and
pictured Quatre’s face, his golden hair and sweet smile.
I can’t make him have to
fight again by not doing what I must, Trowa thought. It would kill
him. He’s too good, too ... pure, to be sullied by war again. He should
never have fought the first time -- it nearly killed him, to have
If only I had told him
how I feel... If only I had kissed him, just once... It would
make it all worth it. Because this is one I can’t survive -- who
am I now, but Trowa Barton? And Dekim knows his own son... If I do
this I am dead. Yet I have no choice.
At a higher
altitude the flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world
Wufei stood in the ranks of
Mariemeia’s army and wondered why he was doing this. After the war, he
had had such high hopes of what life would become... And all for nothing.
Nothing good had happened. He had been on top of the world... Why
was he doing this?
Because I am a soldier,
Wufei thought to himself. I was trained to be a soldier from childhood.
I know no other way to be... And I want to know why.
Why do they fight? What
reason do they start this? What reason do they keep fighting for, when
they are wrong, evil? Why am I expected to fight when they do, and find
some other task when they don’t?
I was a scholar. I tried
to return to that. I could not.
If I have to become evil
to understand these things, then so be it. At the end of the last war
I helped to bring the dream of peace, I was on top of the world --
and then reality came.
And brought the dream crashing
forever by desire and ambition
There’s a hunger still unsatisfie
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we’ve been so many times
They were in a war again.
All of them.
Duo typed furiously on the
computer, hacking for all he was worth. At other points in the room, Heero
and Trowa did the same. So Trowa was still on their side, and Quatre had
gone for their Gundams, but... What was Wufei doing? What did he want?
Duo shook his head. Dekim
Barton and Mariemeia. More greedy, ambitious people who wanted nothing
more than to use the world and the colonies as their personal playground.
It was strange, how easy it
was to slip back into the familiar role of the terrorist, embarking on
a quest to save an oblivious world. Strange how everything seemed to fit,
as though this was what they had been made for. Guerrilla tactics in a
war that had no point. They were fighting against the army of a seven-year-old
child, for God’s sake!
But it had brought them together
again like nothing else could. Duo found himself looking to the future
the way he had during the war; a bright place full of hopes and dreams,
and maybe this time he could get it right.
But he was so tired of fighting... So tired of having to fight...
And at the same time... knowing
it was what he lived for...
The light was brighter
Heero strapped himself into
Wing Zero and momentarily closed his eyes. Almost there... Almost
over... Then they could go back to the life after the war.
Then he could see if Duo would
have him back.
Seeing the baka again had
made Heero remember why he had been scared to see the boy after they had
split up. He knew he would ask Duo to come back to him, and he didn’t
know how he would react. Whether Duo would agree, or laugh in his face.
No, Duo wouldn’t do that... He wasn’t so cruel...
But even a gentle refusal
would hurt. It would hurt so bad.
Heero had come to realise
he needed him more than just a warm body in his bed. Hell, if he wanted
that, he could have Relena. No. Duo was more to him than that, more to
him than anything.
He had finally answered a
question that had plagued him for years. And now he knew the answer, he
was not going to let the answer go, not for anything. A small voice asked
him the question again.
What are you fighting for?
And he had an answer. It was
one that brought a small smile to his face and determination to his heart,
and made the sun shine brightly on the green, green grass that the end
of the war would bring.
The nights of wonder
He was at the controls of
A part of him grieved for
the necessity that had made him climb back in, but most of him rejoiced
in the familiar confines of the cockpit, adrenaline flooding through him
at the thought of the fight he was about to enter.
Quatre looked at the oncoming
enemy and smiled.
This was what he had been
trained for. This was what he had lived for.
Duo made his big
entrance, leaping high into the air and knowing full damn well he was
silhouetted against the moon, Deathscythe’s bat wings making a stunning
They were all here. All except Heero and Wufei. Trowa and Quatre beside
him, Zechs and Noin up ahead. Part of him expected to see Tallgeese II
any moment, another part told him that was stupid.
Wufei no one expected to turn up. Heero everyone knew was on his way.
Duo closed his eyes, preparing himself for the coming battle. His friends
were all around him. He was fighting the good fight for the freedom of
Earth and the colonies, and this time they knew it. He was even fighting
for Little Miss Queen Relena, who was being held captive by Mariemeia,
because he knew what good she had done for the world and space in just
He was Shinigami again. His friends were near.
A damned good way to die.
The water flowing
Heero wiped the encounter with
Wufei from his mind and aimed the beam cannon again. The first blast had
shaken the shield so much one more would shatter it.
It would also shatter Wing
Zero, and him along with it.
But not yet. Not before he
said one thing.
Switching his comm unit so
it only sounded in Deathscythe, Heero said, “Duo.”
Duo’s startled face turned
towards him over their comm units.
“Duo, I was wrong.”
“When I said we would only
-- we should only -- last as long as the war did. I was
Duo was silent, staring at
“Duo -- I’m not going
to survive this, but I just had to tell you that I was wrong. That I missed
you. That I need you.”
“Heero...” Duo’s hand
raised to touch the screen. Heero did the same.
“One more blast will end this
war, Duo, but one more blast will end me too, in all likelihood. I just
had to say... I love you.”
With that, Heero turned off
the comm unit, both vocal and visual, on Duo’s wide violet eyes.
One more blast...
Yeah, yeah, so you all know
what happens in Endless Waltz. This is a fanfic, okay? Who knows... I might decide to do a sequel and make it AU...
For anyone who’s interested,
the song is ‘High Hopes’ by Pink Floyd ©. It’s on their ‘Division Bell’
album, the last track, and I thoroughly recommend it. There is a guitar
solo at the end that is what electric guitars were made for. If
I had to chose one song out of everything else in the entire world that
I had to listen to for the rest of my life, it would be this one. It is
way the fucking hell beyond good.
to Anria's fic]