I really wanted to write a songfic in which the song provided a counterpoint for what the character wanted, not what he got. This was the result -- and don't let the title fool you. The song is "Primitive" from Annie Lennox's Diva album.
Author: Anria Lalumin
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. I didn't make money off this. Annie Lennox wrote "Primitive" and holds all rights to it.
Warnings: Duo's POV (but not the usual Duo-type POV), angst, confusion, yaoi
Pairings: I really have no idea. I was thinking 1x2 or 2x3, but then my brain decided to not cooperate apart from giving me those pairings. I've still got to decide in my OWN mind which it is, and this fic was supposed to be written with a definite pairing in mind! Bah!
Feedback: This thing is weird. It confused me, and I wrote it! I'd *really* like to know what your opinions are on this one.

fish = thoughts/emphasis (in one case, both)
[fish ] = song lyrics. Don't ask me why fish.


The sun has set
All red and primitive above our heads]

He's not what I need. I don't care.

But sometimes you take what you can get with both hands, and grab on tight, and don't let go because you know it's all you'll ever get and you have to have something even if it's nothing like what you want, what you need, because we all need somebody . . . or something.

[Blood stained on an ageless sky
Wipe your tears and let the salt stains dry
Let them all run dry
All run dry. . . .]

He's leaving again.

I'm not surprised. I'm never surprised.

Why don't I care?

I sit here and look at myself in the mirror. Eyes wide and dry, violet laughter used up, violet emptiness exposed. Feel the empty ache inside. Why does emptiness hurt? I though it would feel more . . . free. Like flying.

Why was I wrong? Why does emptiness hurt?

Why don't I care?

Why do I never care?

Take me to bed
That's where all our prayers are said]

He's back.

I always make all the right movements. I always moan in the right moments. I always cry out his name in passion as I come.

I feel like a whore.

He doesn't care. Not about me, not about how I feel. I know that. I don't care. I don't really feel anything, not any more. But then, they don't know that. I pray they don't know that. I pray they do know that.

What am I looking for?

[Whispered silent in the night
That's how all our dreams take flight
Let them all go by
All go by. . . .]

He's asleep.

I lie here, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what's wrong. Why I feel so . . . empty. Nothing comes. No answers, no logical conclusions, no epiphanies.

I close my eyes. I want. . . . What do I want? I want . . . to be loved.

I feel like laughing. I feel like crying. Everyone wants to be loved.

What I want. . . .

I want to fall back and have him catch me. I want to run as fast as I can and have him beside me. I want to stand at the edge of a cliff watching the sunset knowing he sees what I see. I want to throw my arms wide to the world and scream out everything that's inside me, all the pain and all the grief and all the joy and all the ache and all the emptiness and everything that is me and everything that is not, and know he'll be waiting when I come home, understanding.

I want him to roll over and throw an arm over me in his sleep, murmuring my name.

I wait. I listen. I lay still.

He never moves.

[For time will catch us in both hands
To blow away like grains of sand
Ashes to ashes rust to dust
This is what becomes of us]

I may die tomorrow. I may die today.

I examine that thought. I tilt my head to the side and look at it, analyze it, tear it apart.

Nothing causes a reaction. Everything operates by rote.

What would it take to wake me from this?

Questions. Always questions.

They never have an answer.

Send me to sleep
Pray to God our hopes to keep]

God, let me feel. . . .

[Take our fears and make us strong
Lead us to where we belong
And let it all go by/ All go by. . . .]

Heero enters the room, seeing the long braid hanging from the slender form highlighted by the light of the window. "Time to go," he says shortly.

Duo turns to him, patented grin plastered on his face, the one that never reaches his eyes. "Be there in a sec, Hee-chan," he says cheekily.

"Hn." Heero turns and walks from the room, not bothering with the baka a moment more.

Duo's smile fades. "Yeah, I'm going Heero," he whispers to the cold glass of the window. "I'll tell you where I'm going when I get there . . . if I can."

He stands there for a long moment, looking but not seeing.

A humorless smile finally surfaces.

"'Cause right now I need the emptiness. I need it to survive."


Did I confuse anyone? Like I said before, I would *really* feedback on this one. It's so totally different from anything else I've ever written (besides the usual angst <rolls eyes> I can never write anything without angst, it seems) that I'm not sure about it at all. What are the thoughts on it?

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