Um . . . another
deathfic. Yeah. Fourth time I've killed off Heero. It might just be me,
though, but I don't think this fic is sad. . . .
Author: Anria Lalumin
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and the song Whatever's Written In Your Heart
do not belong to me. Gerry Rafferty owns the song and Sotsu Agency, Sunrise
and TV Asahi own Gundam Wing.
This fic is dedicated to Michael, who always loved this song.
Warnings: death, yaoi, sadness.
[song] = the first
four lines of the title song.
This isn't a songfic,
Written In Your Heart
[ Waking up here on a rainy
[ I swore last time that I would stay away ]
[ I came down here to talk to you ]
[ I said this time I might get true. . . . ]
The sun was shining, warm and bright. It soaked through the black jacket
on his back and into his skin, raising his temperature. He wasn't uncomfortable,
though; a cooling breeze was blowing as well, stripping most of the heat
from the surroundings and leaving it with only a gentle warmth.
It was beautiful here, he reflected. The graves were spaced out evenly
and quite far apart, allowing for the recently mown green grass to combine
with the few trees along the path's edge and give the graveyard a park-like
feel. If it weren't for the headstones dotted around in the grass, you
could have imagined young lovers wandering around, small children laughing,
rushing and playing, many things like that. It had a romantic air, an
air that became a parody when you considered that this idyllic setting
was, in fact, a place where corpses lay in their final resting place.
One side of his mouth quirked up in a small, wry smile. He supposed it
was only fitting that it seem like a setting for lovers: after all, he
was going to see his.
His stride slowed after a while, and he began checking the headstones
around him occasionally, making sure he was headed in the right direction.
Then he came upon a relatively new one, white marble glinting in the sun.
"Hey Heero," Duo whispered.
He sank down onto his haunches in front of the grave. "I came, just
like I said I would," he continued, reaching out a hand to trace
the carving in the smooth stone, hesitating for a long while over the
last date. ". . . It's been a year."
Duo swung around and moved to sit leaning against the edge of the headstone.
He crossed his long legs in front of him at the ankle and folded his arms
over his chest, closing his eyes.
For a long while he said nothing, the silence only broken by the twittering
of a pair of birds nearby, making their nest. The breeze ruffled his bangs
and tugged at his braid, and still he didn't move. To all intents and
purposes, it was as though he dozed against the grave.
Suddenly Duo sighed and opened his eyes, tilting his head to look at the
clear, blue sky. "I miss you," he said softly. His whole demeanor
was completely different to its usual mask, softly quiet and still. "Never
thought you'd die in peacetime, did you? Huh, guess it was as much a surprise
for you as for me."
A pause. "Do you miss me?" Another pause, a longer one this
"Well, that's a stupid question, isn't it. I mean, you can't answer
it and I don't even know if you can hear me or not. I don't know if there's
an afterlife. . . . I'd like to think there is.
"I guess I should tell you what I've been up to, ne?
"It's been a year, Heero. A whole year, to the day. Things . . .
aren't really all that much different. If they are at all."
Duo shifted and uncrossed his legs, then recrossed them. "I'm not
really sure . . . what to say. I was gonna say that I'm not really sure
why I'm here, but I am. I'd have come if only because I promised myself
He sighed and leaned his head back with a thud onto the top of the headstone,
once again closing his eyes.
"You always called me a survivor. Someone who could adapt well and
easily. You were more right than you know. It's only been a year, but
I've still . . . I've still almost managed to get over it. Get over you.
"You remember when I kept making you listen to old Earth songs? Ones
that most people wouldn't remember at all? . . . There was one in particular
that stuck in my mind after you . . . died. It was 'I'll Be Missing You'.
You remember that one? It was written when this guy's friend died --
I don't remember how, but that's not important. . . . If you just read
the lyrics, it sounds so heartbroken, but . . . to me, when I listened
to it, the music, the tune, changed it. It was like there was acceptance
in there as well, that the whole song was written as a final goodbye to
the person who had moved on.
"That's probably not how it was meant to seem.
"But . . . the reason I brought it up is because. . . . Well, I feel
like that. I feel like I can accept your death and go on with my life,
once I've had my final goodbye. And I feel so goddamn shallow because
I can," Duo burst out, sitting upright. "I shouldn't be able
to quit mourning so soon. I mean, yeah, it's been a year, but you were
the best damn thing that ever happened to me! I know I loved you.
I still do, really. And that makes it seem like . . . I dunno, like I
should mourn for longer. Like I should still be hurting because you're
He leaned back again. "I . . . they say that one of the first things
anyone does when someone they loves dies is blame themself. I think I
skipped that stage. I mean, maybe I got it out of the way a while ago,
you know? Like back in the war or something. I was never sure that even
when you pushed the self-destruct you were planning on dying. Like somewhere
deep inside you knew you'd survive. At least, that's what it seemed like.
You'd never have endangered the mission.
"I'm not really making sense, am I? What I mean to say is that I
accepted a long time ago that you always knew exactly what you were doing
when you did it.
"I like to think that at the last point of your life, I was wrong.
That the lack of war had loosened that sense of knowing what you were
doing when you did it. Realistically, though, I think you knew exactly
what you were doing. That you took a calculated risk, knowing the odds
were against you. . . . That you knew you were going to die. That you'd
leave me behind.
"Dammit, I'm not going to cry!
". . . Did you think about me? When you took that hit, did you think
about me? Did you say sorry? Did you wish that you could live? Did you
wish you could see me, one last time? Or were you totally focused on the
mission again. . . ?
"I wish I knew."
Duo scrubbed his palms across his cheeks. Goddammit, he hated crying!
Boys don't cry. They just don't cry.
He laughed harshly. "Maybe I'm not a boy, then. Maybe I'm a man."
It was a long time before he got hold of himself enough to consider speaking
again. The sun had moved on, and clouds were gathering over the clear
blue sky, forecasting the impending rain. The shower was only a few hours
away, it looked like.
As the sun was gradually obscured by the clouds, the idyllic setting darkened,
taking on a more sinister, depressing look. It seemed fitting, Duo snorted,
for what he had been speaking of.
"I. . . ." Duo stopped, reconsidering what he had been about
"You remember when you asked me if I thought we were a proper couple?
You remember when I jokingly told you that we couldn't be, we didn't have
a song to call our own?" Duo smiled faintly at the memory. "I
would never, in a thousand lifetimes, have expected you to decide finding
'our song' was your new mission.
"It was so funny, to watch you go through all those old CDs of mine,
them so ancient and you so reverent with them because they were mine,
and see you play them all through, over and over. And then I told you
not to worry about it, that if you ever found 'our song' you'd know straight
"And then you didn't give up! I mean, you weren't as obvious in it
as before, but you just didn't stop! I was laughing at you behind your
back, you know. Laughing and laughing. . . .
"And then . . . and then you came up to me one day and said you'd
found our song. So I sat down and listened to it, and the first time I
heard the opening piano and moog  notes of the song, I knew you were
right. This was our song.
"And then I listened to the lyrics, and . . . oh, Heero, you were
right about it it was so beautiful . . . and so damn fitting.
. . ."
Duo stopped suddenly, leaning back. He shut his eyes, and, after a long
moment of silence, sang their song.
"You've got your secrets, yeah/ And I've got mine/ We've played this
game now/ For a long long time/ You don't lean on anyone/ You never had
no place to run/ You never wanted me/ To get too close/ We love and hate
the ones/ We need the most/ I try to find a way to you/ One thing I could
say to you. . . .
"Whatever's written in your heart/ That's all that matters/ You'll
find a way to say it all/ Someday. . . ."
Duo's smooth, deep voice trailed off. He was silent for a time.
"I love that song."
He sighed and opened his eyes. "But that someday never came, did
The clouds were gathering more tightly now. Duo glanced at his watch and
decided it was almost time to leave. He'd been there nearly five hours.
He stood, brushing himself off, and planted himself in front of the grave,
staring down at it as though he if he looked hard enough he could find
Heero, alive and well and loving, in the still white marble. It was as
though he was commanding the stone to change from the power of his gaze
Finally, almost as though disappointed, he spoke.
"I came here to say goodbye, Heero. I will never stop loving you.
I will never regret loving you. But I have had a year to come to terms
with the fact that you aren't here any more, and that you won't ever be
He shut his eyes briefly, then opened them and looked up to the clouds
in the sky.
"You never said the words, but when you played me that song, that
was your way of telling me how much you cared. I know that now, and I
knew that then. And if you remember, I smiled at you, and told you that
you were right, that this was right. . . . And you said nothing.
"But I loved you for it -- oh, how I loved you for it! For
knowing how, even when you couldn't say the words, you could let me know
you loved me. For giving me that much when you didn't know how to give
". . . I've accepted it all now. Maybe that's the key to true survival
of all the shit this world contains: being able to accept whatever life
throws at you. But that's beside the point.
"The point is, I came here to say goodbye, Heero.
". . . So goodbye . . . my love."
Duo paused for a long moment, and gave the grave a somewhat wobbly smile.
Coming here had awoken old wounds. He took one last, long look at it,
trying to engrave the memory of the headstone into his mind. And then
he turned and strode back down the way he had come.
Behind him, the clouds broke and light rain began to fall in an empty
patter on the lonely grave. He never came back again.
 Yes, a moog is a real instrument. I've never seen one, but it makes
a sound like a flute or piccolo, only much smoother, and is listed in
the album I have as being one of the two instruments played in "Whatever's
Written In Your Heart".
The song is the most restful one I have ever heard in my life. It's also
incredibly beautiful, and if you want to listen to it I recommend you
go out and buy the album "Right Down The Line: the Best of Gerry
Rafferty" in order to do so. Then once you've listened to that, go
listen to "Baker Street". That's it from me. Ja.
[back to Anria's fic]