Things You Should
Uh, yeah... Well, this is odd. I love Duo. I really do. So why do I feel
the need to make him miserable? I don't know. Anyway...
Song is"Losing My Religion" by REM...
Other than that, there is... hmm... only shonen ai, really, plus a horking
load of OOC, in my opinion, but I like it this way. Sort of. The last
part is the best, but doesn't make a damn bit of sense without the first
two parts. So you must suffer. Oh yeah, and angst, angst, ANGST all over
the place. But no death, I promise. Just a very close call.
And without further ado (cuz really, how much ado do you need?), on with
He made me angry again. I promised
myself I wouldn't let him do that anymore, but I've never been that great
at keeping promises. And he has a real knack for pissing me off.
He would snort at that idea, and say it's more the other way around, but
that's just because he doesn't know me well enough to understand.
Heero-fucking-perfect-Yuy doesn't need friends, after all. I slam the
door to our shared bedroom, and it feels good, so I slam it a few more
times for the hell of it, but stop myself before I can do structural damage.
Wouldn't want to trash Quatre's place.
Another consideration Heero would sneer at.
He is just the absolute center of his own bizarre little universe, you
know? Nobody and nothing that is not directly related to his missions
has any real importance or meaning for him.
He's not the center of the universe. The world does not revolve around
It's bigger than you
I told him that,
just a few minutes ago. Opened my big stupid mouth and bellowed across
the table at him.
He just stared at me like I'd lost what few brain cells he had credited
me with possessing and went back to eating.
I throw myself facedown on one of the twin beds, pounding my fist against
the mattress. Where does he get off, telling me I'm being oversensitive?
What the hell would he know about that? What the hell does he know about
Nothing, that's what!
And you are
God knows I've tried to be
his friend... I cease pounding the bed as a sudden familiar weariness
I've tried so hard.
It makes me so... tired.
I'm not even sure when getting past his walls, inside his shell, got elevated
from a matter of curiosity to an obsession, but it's long passed that
turning point. I can't walk away from him, now. I can't let it go.
Lately, I've started to get a little desperate, I guess. But he ignores
me so determinedly. I've been reduced to some excessive tactics, just
to try and shock a reaction out of him.
that I will go to
I need to get a reaction
from him. Any reaction. It was almost better when he used to hit me when
I annoyed him. At least he acknowledged me. Now... nothing. Not even that
old, brooding, simmering anger that used to be in his eyes whenever he
looked at me.
in your eyes
Tonight, though... I may have
made some mistakes. May have crossed a line or two, said some things that
perhaps should have remained unsaid.
Oh no I've
said too much
I have to admit I walked right
into it. I shouldn't have pushed so hard, shouldn't have let him
push my buttons. He's too damn good at it.
I set it up
I can still see all their faces.
I was just frozen, rooted to the spot for a moment in time, as the horrible
truth clarified in my brain, as I processed the things I finally forced
him to say, that everybody knew, but nobody, not even Heero or I, acknowledged...
They all just stared at me. It was such a weird feeling, being the absolute
center of attention in that intensely uncomfortable silence I created
me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
I flip over on
my back, feeling the thin gold chain pinch the skin of my neck. I straighten
it gently out of habit, then in a sudden fit of renewed temper, yank sharply,
snapping the fragile chain. I hold the small crucifix up to catch the
moonlight streaming in the window.
Stupid. Why do I still have this thing? I don't believe in the god it's
supposed to represent. I never did, really. For me, it stands for something
else. Faith, not in the Christian God, but in dreams. In hope. My secret
religion, the belief in a better tomorrow waiting somewhere around the
corner. There has to be, doesn't there?
Maybe not. I rub my thumb over the warm metal, wondering if I still believe.
Losing my religion
Maybe I'm crazy. I know I'm
obsessed, so maybe I really have gone that one step further and become
completely unbalanced. I sure can't rationally explain some of the things
I've done or said lately, or even the way I've been acting when Heero's
around. I don't know why I'm so focused on him. Maybe I just need an anchor,
someone to connect with in the middle of this crazy war. Whatever my screwed
up reasons, I do need to connect with him. Desperately. So I'm always
running after him, chasing him. But I'm always just a few steps behind.
Trying to keep
up with you
It's getting so hard to keep
trying in the face of constant rejection.
And after tonight, well... I guess there's not much point in trying anymore.
And I don't
know if I can do it
And if I can't have him...
what have I got?
Big, fat nothing.
I feel a sickening lurch, almost like vertigo, at the thought. I have
nothing. Quatre and Trowa have each other. Wufei can't stand me. And...
And that's it.
My hand has clenched into a fist around the crucifix, and I finally notice
how hard I am gripping it as a thin trickle of blood oozes down my wrist.
I shouldn't let myself think these things. I shouldn't ever let myself
think this much.
Oh no I've
said too much
Maybe... maybe I just didn't
use the right words yet. Maybe I've confused him, or maybe he's just being
defensive. I can understand that. And I shouldn't have started yelling.
Nothing productive ever happens once I start yelling.
The thing is, one way or another, I've told him almost everything already.
There's really only one thing left to say, and I don't know if I'm ready
to say it, or if he is ready... or even wants... to hear it.
But maybe... maybe I should have said it. Laid it all on the line.
I haven't said
I close my eyes, seeing him
in my mind, running through the hundreds, thousands of memory images I
have carefully preserved. I am not permitted pictures, they could be found
by our enemies and used against us, so memories have to serve.
But memories are imperfect. Memories can be altered in the mind's eye.
After all, in the end, we all see what we want to, don't we?
So maybe that explains those few precious images I have of Heero with
his face softened by a barely-glimpsed smile, the faint sound of laughter
echoing down the hall when I know he's in our room alone, the one or two
times after he knocked me to the floor that his hand twitched towards
me like he wanted to help me back up...
thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
I open my eyes
again, stare blindly at the blood already drying on my wrist, the events
of the evening reasserting themselves in my mind. Actually, it's been
going on for a while now, I guess. The last couple of weeks, while we've
all been holed up in this house together, I've been hanging around him,
trying to get him to talk to me, look at me, even yell at me. It's just
been getting more intense the last few days, and tonight at dinner, I
just couldn't seem to shut myself up. My mouth runs away with me sometimes.
Sometimes I really want to be quiet, I know I'm pissing everybody off
and just making him hate me more, but I just have to keep talking. Pushing.
I need a response. Any response, positive or negative.
I got one.
It took me nearly an hour of verbally dancing around the subject of plans
for the evening. All right, be honest with yourself, jackass, you were
trying to work up the courage to ask him out.
And he figured that out.
"Are you trying to ask me out, Duo?" He asked me in that flat,
cold monotone of his. I should have known then, I should have just said
no and let it drop.
I said yes.
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
And he said...
I roll off the bed to my feet with a curse, heading for the bathroom.
I need a nice, long relaxing soak to deal with this.
A few minutes later I slide into the steaming water, immersing myself
up to my chin.
He said no. He said my "little crush" was both stupid and irritating,
and I should wake up and realize he wasn't really what I wanted.
Just said that, flat out, in front of everybody. I could only stare at
He then told me that he didn't know why I was so fixated on him, but that
for my own sake, I should really get over it.
Get over it.
That's when I lost it.
Of course I got defensive. I was as embarrassed as hell, especially when
it began to sink in that the things I'd said over the last hour painted
a pretty damn clear picture of my feelings. And he tells me to get
So I started yelling. I'm not even sure exactly what it was I said, but
I know I vehemently denied caring about him at all, because he was such
a jerk and treated me like shit, so how could I possibly care about him?
And somewhere in there was when I informed him that the world does not
revolve around him.
And he just blew the whole thing off. Stared at me for a few minutes,
then just went right back to eating. At least the others had the decency
to look horrified and shocked.
And I ran.
I close my eyes and hold my breath, pulling my head underwater for a minute,
not even caring that I'm getting my hair wet. It's nice under the water,
warm and dark and safe. I wish I could hide here forever. Never have to
deal with anyone out there. Never have to face my friends' pity and condescension,
never have to deal with Heero utterly ignoring me...
How can he? How can he act like I don't even exist, when I spend so much
time just trying to stay near him? I'd do anything to just be in the same
room with him for an hour a day, or even five minutes. I always want to
be with him, watching him, watching over him. He needs somebody to look
out for him, you know? And I wanted to be that somebody.
I'm such an idiot.
to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
And now he really
knows everything. I really let it all out tonight. I don't know why. It's
just that... being cooped up with him these past weeks, it's been getting
worse, the need. The desire. This went far beyond friendship and simple
lust a long time ago. But he never noticed that.
We probably could have stayed friends if I had just bit my tongue.
Oh no I've
said too much
But no. Duo Maxwell never lies,
and he never shuts up either. I asked for this.
I set it up
My lungs are starting to burn,
so I surface, the air chilly on my wet skin. I stare at the overhead light
fixture, and I realize with growing horror that I really have gone too
far this time. I said some things in that last hysterical screaming fit
that can't be taken back.
If nobody knew exactly how I felt about him before, they could hardly
have missed the blatantly obvious message.
this... consider this
The hint of the century
And... and he
Ignored it. It didn't mean anything to him. Wasn't even important enough
to beat me up over.
So. Now what?
I feel strangely hollow inside. My hand clutches reflexively at the spot
over my collarbone, but I left the crucifix back on the bed. It's broken.
Like my faith. Like my heart.
I don't know how I let him become so important to me. I thought I'd learned
my lesson about investing too much in other people. They always leave
me in the end...
But no. This is worse than if he'd died. He rejected me. The others...
they may have left, but they didn't want to. He... doesn't want me at
all. He doesn't care.
Nobody does. Why should they? I'm just a stupid, weak, useless, big-mouthed
street brat. Nothing special. I'm not like him, perfect and beautiful
as a marble statue. I'm not like him at all. And so of course he wants
nothing to do with me.
But I said it all anyway. And now...
The slip that brought me
To my knees, failed
I sink down until
the water is just below my nose.
I sit there in the pleasantly hot water, and I'm still thinking of him,
all my precious memories running through my mind, but more than that,
all my secret dreams, and worse, my fantasies...
I guess I never really believed they'd come true anyway, but where they
used to be a pleasant way to pass the lonely hours, now they are rapidly
becoming a torment. They fill my head with images and feelings of closeness,
warmth, happiness, comfort, that I will never know. I want... I just want
them to stop...
It hurts, and I want it to stop hurting. I want it to stop.
I want it all to stop.
if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
I dimly realize
that I am crying. Normally, this would horrify me, because boys shouldn't
cry. But right now, I only distantly register the fact as I sit up in
the tub. The single thought absorbing all my attention is that I want
it all to stop. I can't go on like this. It just hurts too much, and
now I know the pain will never be eased...
I reach out to the drawers under the sink, half-lifting myself out of
the tub, shivering in the cool air. It doesn't take me long to find what
I'm looking for, a pack of disposable razors obviously left behind by
one of Quatre's sisters. They're the cheap plastic kind, and it just takes
me a few minutes of careful prying and sliced up fingertips to free the
thin slivers of metal from their safe pink plastic housing.
I take one of the small blades in my fingers and stare at it for a moment,
wondering briefly if maybe I'm overreacting, going too far. So what if
Heero doesn't like me? So what if he never speaks to me again? I'm only
fifteen, I have the rest of my life...
To be miserable and alone. It was really more than I ever should have
expected that I was lucky enough to have three people love me.
It's not like my life has been overflowing with close companionship since
then. All I have are casual acquaintances, people I sort of know, but
don't really care about, who don't really care about me either. And I'm
tired of that.
I needed Heero to give me something more, but he couldn't, or didn't want
So I am alone. I will always be alone.
I shouldn't let myself think this much.
Now I've said
My skin is pink from the heat
of the water, blood pressure elevated. I grip the little blade tightly
and slice quickly and deeply down the length of my forearm. The right
way, this time. I almost sneer at the foolish, childish crisscrossing
scars across my wrist, where they are usually hidden by my watch. The
blood wells up quickly, and I hardly feel any pain from the cut. The blade
was sharp enough that it only stings a bit.
I consider doing the other arm, too, just to be thorough, but both my
hands are slippery with blood, and I might not make as neat a cut. I don't
really want any more pain right now. So I set the blade on the side of
the tub amid crimson smears from my fingers, and let my slashed arm sink
beneath the water. The cut stings a bit more at the contact, but it's
an almost pleasant pain. I watch the blood flow out into the water in
lazy spirals, staining it pink.
I am surprised at how quickly my vision starts to darken. I lay back against
the tub, settling into the water as my grip on reality starts to fade
I think again of Heero, picture him in my mind smiling welcomingly at
me, holding his arms out to embrace me...
Oddly enough, for a moment my vision is overlaid by that familiar pair
of cobalt eyes, but instead of being filled with warmth and love they
are brimming with fear and grief. His voice seems to echo in my mind,
strangely ragged with something like panic.
thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I
saw you try
Well, I suppose
it only makes sense that I would like to imagine he will react that way.
I know he won't, though.
that was just a dream
Try... cry... why try?
The sad truth
is, if he reacts at all, it will probably be with an irritated frown that
there will be one less pilot to complete our missions. Until I can be
That was just
And for Heero, I know... I
can be easily replaced.
Just a dream
Just a dream
I loved you.
[back to Aoe's fic]