(based on The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe)
fic by Aoe

The Relena

Once upon a mission boring, while I labored, nearly snoring,

Over stupid field reports that had been due the day before,

While I typed them, barely conscious, sudden I heard a raucous,

As some stranger caused a fracas, rattling my chamber door

"Maybe it is OZ," I muttered, "or that guy from 204 ­

Heero wouldn't knock, that's sure."



Ah, distinctly I remember all the guys we'd just dismembered

Dead and dying OZ defenders; victims of this foolish war

Eagerly we fought in battle, having listened to the prattle

And the odd mechanical rattle of my partner's weird mentor ­

Yes, that strange and screwy cyborg freak that Heero's working for ­

Dr. J, he's such a bore.



But Heero's work is never done and from the safehouse he had run

And left me ­ left me sitting to type both reports of death and gore

So I left my guest in torment, hoping to prolong the moment

Pondering the visitor disrupting now my stupid chore.

"Who the Hell is at my door?"



Presently my game grew boring, so at last I ceased ignoring

Whoever had pounded so intently at my chamber door.

Pulling out my automatic, I hoped they wouldn't give me static

Handguns can be quite traumatic when they greet you at the door.

"A pleasant grin will reassure."



As I flung the portal open, I'll admit I was still hopin'

Maybe it was Heero who had ditched me here two days before!

Silly though I knew the thought was, still I wished it were him because

Fighting ain't the only thing that bod of his is perfect for!

But alas my erstwhile lover wasn't in the corridor.

It was her. The Princess Whore.



Thoughts of Heero, lustful feelings, had me pointing at the ceiling

Though my hands were clutching at the gun that I was scowling o'er.

Damn! I thought, this psycho hosebeast follows Heero where he goes, East

West, South, North, it makes no difference! Even though she knows the score!

Even though she knows that we've been lovers for three months and more!

Maybe I'll just slam the door.

 

But, alas! Too long I dithered, and she wedged one fuschia slipper

In the doorjamb - were I meaner, still I would have slammed the door.

Then with all her haughty grandeur, did not pause to greet nor answer

When I asked "Who bade you enter?" (Though my language was less pure.)

Walked right in, as bold as brass, and took a seat without demure!

On my bed! I hate her spoor.



There she sat, expression proving there was no way she was moving

With a sigh I braced to suffer torments I had faced before

"Ne, ojou-san," I said, smiling, "Heero's not here. I'm not lying.

He's not even hiding in the bathroom or behind the door!

Maybe you could leave a note or tell me what you came here for?"

Quoth Relena, "Nevermore."



Then I frowned in consternation. Though Relena's conversation

Oft leaves much to be desired, usually she says much more.

Though I wasn't really bothered, still I wondered, still I pondered

Why she wasn't shrieking at me as she'd often done before.

She's not above an epithet or two, or three, or even four.

Why no word but ‘Nevermore'?



"Well, Relena-sama," I said, as she sat there (still on my bed)

"If that's all you have to say, don't let me keep you! There's the door!"

Then I wondered ­ had I stuttered? She neither twitched nor even sputtered

Underneath my breath I muttered, "How much more must I endure?

Heero doesn't want you, so when will you leave us be, you whore?"

Then the bitch said, "Nevermore."



I'll admit I was embarrassed, though I'd often been thus harassed

Never quite so blatantly had I expressed my thoughts before

But remorse was quickly ended as she didn't seem offended

So I scowled, patience ended, and began to pace the floor

I was getting kind of nervous, wondering why she said no more

Than ‘Never ­ Nevermore.'



So I paced, she sat, we stared, and all the while I compared

Her actions now to what I had observed her do in times before

I was growing now uneasy and, perhaps, a little queasy

‘Twas no longer quite so easy my misgivings to ignore

I was getting freaked out by the smug and twisted smile she wore

And that damn word ­ ‘Nevermore."



But standoffs cannot last forever, so I, thinking, "Now or never,"

Gathered up my scattered wits and quickly strode across the floor

But as I walked she grabbed her purse and things soon went from bad to worse

I halted quickly with a curse when she whipped out a .44

How'd she fit that in her purse? And where'd she get a .44?

Alas, no answers were in store.



"Well, so much for pacificism," I declared with fatalism

Worthy of my darling Heero ­ who, I thought, would be quite sore

To return after his mission to find me out of commission

"Princess, think of your position! Don't be foolish, I implore!

Drop the gun right now and this whole episode I'll just ignore!"

Quoth Relena, "Nevermore."



"Baka!" said I, "Are you mental? This just won't look accidental!

Heero doesn't like you now! If you kill me, he'll hate you more!

Really, babe, this crazy notion motivated by emotion

Will not win you his devotion! You'll never be his amour!

Can't you see that killing me will only your own death assure?"

Quoth Relena, "Nevermore."



I swore a bit and watched the nutcase cock the gun, a smirk on her face

"I see your plan," I muttered, "You're not quite the fool I thought before.

You knew I'd be alone today. You'll dump my body in the bay!

But Heero might suspect foul play when I stay unaccounted for!

Don't you think it's possible he'll track the crime right to your door?"

Quoth Relena, "Nevermore."



"All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy," I said, as Relena let fly

With a bullet, which I dodged ­ she's no great marksman, that's for sure

I soon had my gun cocked and aimed ­ she looked annoyed I wasn't maimed

I smiled at her just the same. "Now listen up, bitch, here's the score!

Heero's mine, so give it up and hustle your ass out that door!"

Quoth Relena, "Nevermore."



Heero walked in and I wondered how exactly I had blundered

When he swept that smirking bitch up in his arms and out the door

I was stunned. Could I be dreaming? There was momentary screaming.

Then he walked back in, eyes gleaming in a way I'd seen before

Nervously, I asked, "How long, you think, till she comes back for more?"

Quoth my Heero, "Nevermore."

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