is sort of a response to the NCS (non-consensual sex, in case anybody
forgot the lingo) fics where the boys are magically cured of psychological
trauma by screwing like ferrets in heat. Just wondered what they would
think about it... and why they would go along with it...
"Sexual Healing" is by Marvin Gaye.
The numbers in ( )s refer to comments from the peanut gallery... (Don't
worry, I pasted all the relevant quotes down at the bottom so you don't
have to hunt for them)
Oh, and karaoke machines in the kitchen again. It's getting to be a running
gag. (Wufei runs past carrying a karaoke machine, wailing into the microphone,
"Wheeeeeere's the justiiiiiiiiice?")
Okay, enough preamble! The boys' pizza is getting cold.
fic by Aoe
Duo slammed through the door
of the small apartment, startling the other four pilots, who were calmly
eating pizza. The braided boy, looking a bit... disheveled (1), struck
a dramatic pose in the doorway, one arm over his face, the other cast
out behind him, and declared in a very loud yet mournful tone, "I escaped!
Finally! Those Oz bastards... oh, Heero, it was awful! That Treize is
such a perv!" (2)
Wufei looked up at the posing boy with a glower. "Hey," he objected. (3)
Duo peeked from under his arm at the Chinese boy, "Sorry, Wu," he apologized.
Then he let his arms fall and dropped to the floor on his knees, crawling
over to attach himself to Heero's leg like a barnacle. With a braid.
"Oh, Heero," he wailed mournfully, again. "They did such... terrible things
to me... I don't think I'll ever be able to eat zucchini again... "
"You don't like zucchini," Heero observed, glancing down with vague curiosity
at the boy hanging off his leg.
"I know! I can only thank God, at least I would if I believed in God,
that they didn't use cucumbers!" Duo muttered harshly, his eyes glistening
with unshed tears at the very thought.
"Yeah, you like pickles," Heero agreed.
"Anyway," Duo continued, his voice suddenly soft and hesitant, "they did
just... awful things to me, Heero... And I feel so... Oh, Heero!" he wailed,
burying his face against Heero's spandex clad thigh.
Heero frowned down at the weeping boy for a moment, then commented idly
to the group in general, "This has the distinctive feel of an NCS recovery
fic." Trowa, Quatre and Wufei all nodded sagely. Heero took a thoughtful
bite of his pizza, studying Duo's head with a mild scowl.
After a while, Duo punched Heero's thigh, not looking up, and muttered,
"Comfort, baka, comfort. This is the part when you are moved to one of
your rare displays of tender emotion and care for me in my moment of need."
Heero snorted. "I thought you decided you weren't going to do this sort
of fic anymore," he remarked, slipping a piece of pizza down to his lap.
Duo grabbed it and started chewing, still keeping his forehead pressed
to Heero's thigh.
"Well, yeah, I know I said that, but you know me, I change my mind a lot,"
he commented. "Pass me a beer, would you?"
Heero passed him a beer, watching with genuine admiration as Duo managed
to inhale most of the can without abandoning his Pose-O'-Misery. "Well,
what made you change your mind about this?" he asked.
Duo muttered something under his breath, then a little louder, declared,
"I don't want to discuss it. Just play along, okay?"
Heero frowned, sprinkling salt on Duo's bowed head to see if he would
notice. He didn't. "I never know what I'm supposed to do in these things,"
Duo finally raised his head from Heero's leg and scowled impatiently.
"You're just supposed to... you know... make me better," he explained.
Heero glanced around at the other boys, none of whom seemed to have any
useful advice, and began rummaging around in his shorts. He pulled out
a gun, a hand grenade, a box of lime jello mix, a spare laptop, a personal
self-destruct device, a camcorder, a nearly empty tube of lubricant, a
wrinkled Playboy which he immediately hid away again, eyeing Duo nervously,
and a handful of condoms (safety first). (4) Duo, having seen the show
before, was not impressed, using the moment to steal the rest of Heero's
beer. Everyone else looked on, fascinated.
"Well, that's everything," Heero announced. "And what do you know, still
no psychology degree."
Duo shook his head wearily. "You never learn, do you?" he asked rhetorically.
"No," replied Heero, who had also apparently never learned about rhetorical
Duo sighed and rolled his eyes. He turned a pleading gaze to Trowa and
Quatre. "You guys do this act all the time," he whined. "Why can't he
figure it out?"
"Perhaps because it defies logic?" Trowa asked conversationally.
Quatre nodded in agreement. "Yes, I always have a hard time with those
storylines," he agreed. "They just make no sense."
"They're not supposed to make sense," Duo growled through clenched
teeth. "They're written by teenage idiots who think life is an afterschool
special, for God's sake! (4.5) They're just an excuse for sex!"
"Sex?" Heero asked, perking up. (5)
"Duh! Yes! Sex!" Duo yelled at him exasperatedly. "Follow the bouncing
plot, Heero! I was recently captured by Oz, but instead of killing me
outright, despite the fact that we always seem to escape whenever they
capture us, they decided to torture me for information. The actual torture
itself was too gruesome and graphic to go into, but just for the purposes
of tantalizing hentais, I've dropped hints that it involved Treize, a
zucchini, and probably my ass!" (6) Wufei surreptitiously raised his napkin
to his nose, a faint blush coloring his cheeks. (7) "Anyway," Duo went
on, "I have escaped and made my way back to this safehouse, but I have
been wounded to the soul by this unhappy experience, and now you have
to make me all better." The last was ground out through gritted
teeth as Duo grabbed Heero's tank top and pulled the scowling boy's face
up to his own.
Heero frowned even harder. "And I do that by... ?" he asked irritably.
"Oh. My. God," Duo said flatly, staring at the Japanese boy. He
sighed wearily. "All I wanted was a nice little PWP, but no, Mr. Logical
has to be difficult... " Duo muttered to himself.
"I'm confused," Heero declared firmly.
"Okay. Fine," Duo said calmly, standing and walking away from Heero to
the kitchen cabinets. Like most of the pilots' hideouts, this apartment
sported a deluxe karaoke system in the kitchen. Duo spun the volume dial
to max and started the music as he turned back toward the table full of
curious pilots and planted his hands on his hips. "Okay, Heero. Here's
how it goes. I've been molested by bad men (8), and now I feel all icky
and unloved. Your job is to make me feel better, and of course, we all
know there's only one way to do that."
"I'm still confused," Heero said stubbornly.
Duo rolled his eyes, but his hands began unbuttoning his slightly ragged
black overshirt as he began to sing.
Ooh, now let's get down
Baby I'm hot just like an oven
I need some lovin'
And baby, I can't hold it much longer
It's getting stronger and stronger
Heero cocked his head in confusion.
"Treize shoving vegetables up your ass makes you horny?" he asked. (9)
Wufei crawled under the table.
"Is a zucchini a fruit or a vegetable?" Quatre asked Trowa conversationally.
"Vegetable," Trowa replied. "It's a form of squash."
"Oh, right," Quatre murmured. "But isn't there some fruit -- "
"Bananas," Trowa answered shortly. Quatre raised a curious eyebrow at
him. Trowa flushed slightly. "I don't want to talk about it." (10)
Duo stamped his foot in irritation at the interruptions even as he shrugged
out of his black shirt, leaving only the skintight white undershirt (11),
and pinned Heero with a determined, somewhat deranged glare as he continued
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing, oh baby
Makes me feel so fine
Helps to relieve my mind
Sexual Healing baby, is good for me
Sexual Healing is something that's good for me
Heero's eyes widened in understanding,
then narrowed in incredulity. "But that's utterly ridiculous!" he argued.
"Who cares!" Duo yelled, grabbing the tank top again and shaking Heero
back and forth. "I want to get laid, damn it! (12) It's the only redeeming
quality of these stupid stories! I get gentle, considerate sex, not your
usual wham, bam, thank you Shinigami!"
Heero pouted slightly at this description, but Trowa was nodding his head
sagely. "That's true," he agreed, "the sex usually is nice."
"Trowa!" Quatre exclaimed, sounding shocked. "I thought you hated those
"Well, mostly I do. But sometimes... well, at least I don't generally
end up killing myself or getting abused more," he declared somewhat
"But they make you so whiny... " Quatre protested.
"True," Trowa said, nodding. "But the payoff is sometimes worth it...
" The tall pilot stood and began singing himself.
Whenever blue tear drops
And my emotional stability is leaving me
There is something I can do
I can get on the telephone and call you up baby, and
Honey I know you'll be there to relieve me
The love you give to me will free me
If you don't know the things you're dealing
I can tell you, darling, that it's Sexual Healing
Duo dropped a somewhat dizzy
Heero back into his chair and bounced to Trowa's side, throwing an arm
around the taller boy's waist as they sang together.
Get up, get up, get up,
get up, let's make love tonight
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, ‘cause you do it right
Quatre and Heero eyed one another
nervously as Duo and Trowa seemed to really be getting into the act. The
two were rubbing against one another, not very subtly, while eyeing their
respective partners like large jungle cats would raw meat at feeding time.
(13) They began trading lines of the song back and forth.
Duo: Baby I got sick this morning
Trowa: A sea was storming inside of me
Duo: Baby I think I'm capsizing
Trowa: The waves are rising and rising
Quatre repressed a shudder at the look Trowa was giving him. He'd wanted
to take a nice bath and turn in early tonight. (14) Oh well, so much for
Heero watched the two pilots caressing one another in a manner that came
very close to being downright indecent, right there at the dinner table,
and once again congratulated himself on selecting spandex for his wardrobe.
(15) It stretched so nicely.
Wufei was whimpering softly under the table, but couldn't be heard over
Duo and Trowa as they began singing in unison again. (16)
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing is good for me
Makes me feel so fine, it's such a rush
Helps to relieve the mind, and it's good for us
Sexual Healing, baby, is good for me
Sexual Healing is something that's good for me
And its good for me and it's good to me
My baby ohhh...
Duo and Trowa separated, each
of them stalking toward their chosen partners. Quatre looked wary but
accepting. Heero looked dazed but excited. The Japanese pilot rose to
his feet and grabbed Duo's hand and braid, beginning to walk backwards
toward their bedroom. Duo sang happily all the way.
Come take control, just
grab a hold
Of my body and we'll be making it
Honey, oh we're feeling fine
Trowa advanced on a nervous
Quatre. "Um... headache?" the little blond attempted halfheartedly. Trowa
raised an eyebrow, but only grinned wickedly. He grabbed Quatre and began
dragging him off... toward Heero and Duo's room.
"Trowa?" Quatre asked, his voice cracking slightly.
Trowa chuckled evilly. "Take three and call me in the morning," he remarked.
"Isn't that supposed to be two?" Quatre squeaked.
"Damned if I'm sitting out," Trowa countered, resuming the song as he
dragged a struggling, but somewhat intrigued Quatre toward the still-open
You're my medicine open
up and let me in
Darling, you're so great
I can't wait for you to operate
The two disappeared into the
bedroom, and a moment later, Duo's voice echoed loudly,
I can't wait for you to
Then Trowa and Duo practically
howled the last line together...
When I get this feeling
I need Sexual Healing...
Left alone beneath the table,
Wufei attempted to control his breathing and ignore the sounds coming
form the nearby bedroom. He glowered at the open door and muttered, "Where's
the justice?" After a moment, he pulled out a cell phone and punched in
the memory code "13". A moment later, he said, a touch huskily, "Yeah,
it's me. Are you busy? I've got this strange craving for... zucchini...
Comments from the Peanut
Treize: (raises an eyebrow,
fingering the hilt of his sword meaningfully.)
Uh... Comments from the
Treize: (smirking) Much better.
1-The braided boy, looking
a bit... disheveled...
-- Rashid: (wearing
his Manguanac Dishevelers Unlimited company shirt) You know, next to
Master Quatre, that Maxwell boy is our best customer... (Note: If
you don't get this joke, you obviously haven't been to our image gallery
2-"... That Treize is
such a perv!"
-- Treize: (frowning
slightly) I am a sensual hedonist. Not a "perv". Just ask Milliard.
Zechs: (stifling a snicker) Right you are, sir.
3-Wufei looked up at
the posing boy with a glower. "Hey," he objected.
-- Trieze: (smiles
pleasantly) Ah, thank you for defending my honor, Dragon.
Zechs: (rolls eyes, comments unenthusiastically) You go, Wu.
4-He pulled out a gun,
a hand grenade, a box of lime jello mix, a spare laptop, a personal self-destruct
device, a camcorder, a nearly empty tube of lubricant, a wrinkled Playboy
which he immediately hid away again, eyeing Duo nervously, and a handful
of condoms (safety first).
-- Zechs: (frustrated)
How the hell does he do that? I can't even get all my hair into my helmet!
4.5-They're written by teenage idiots who think
life is an afterschool special, for God's sake!
-Aoe: (sheepishly) Um, that's just Duo's opinion...God knows I've written
enough sexual healing in my time, and I'm, uh...not quite a teenager
5-"Sex?" Heero asked,
-- Zechs: (snickering)
For a guy with such fast reflexes in battle, he's pretty slow on the
6-"... it involved Treize,
a zucchini, and probably my ass!"
-- Treize: (raising
an eyebrow in eloquent surprise) Milliard, make a note...
Zechs: (deadpan) Wouldn't actually work, sir. Zucchini gives him a rash.
Treize: (frowns suspiciously at Zechs)
Zechs: (blinks innocently)
raised his napkin to his nose, a faint blush coloring his cheeks.
-- Treize: (smirking)
Make the note anyway.
Zechs: (rolls eyes)
8-"I've been molested
by bad men... "
-- Treize: (pouts)
Zechs: (pats him consolingly)
9-"Treize shoving vegetables
up your ass makes you horny?"
-- Treize: (blushes
slightly, smiles humbly)
Zechs: (sighs and shakes his head)
10-"Bananas," Trowa answered
shortly. Quatre raised a curious eyebrow at him. Trowa flushed slightly.
"I don't want to talk about it."
-- Rashid: (grins
11-... leaving only the
skintight white undershirt...
-- Zechs: (salivates)
Treize: (looks away whistling as he whacks Zechs' helmet with his sword.)
Zechs: (stumbles dizzily as his helmet resonates like a gong)
12-"I want to get laid,
-- Treize: (physically
13-The two were rubbing
against one another, not very subtly, while eyeing their respective partners
like large jungle cats would raw meat at feeding time.
-- Treize: (leering)
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
Zechs: (frowning) Gratuitous, sir.
Treize: (pouting) But it's my number, Milliard! I had to do it!
14-Quatre repressed a
shudder at the look Trowa was giving him. He'd wanted to take a nice bath
and turn in early tonight.
-- Rashid: (sighs
and shakes his head) Oh, Master Quatre...
15-Heero watched the
two pilots caressing one another in a manner that came very close to being
downright indecent, right there at the dinner table, and once again congratulated
himself on selecting spandex for his wardrobe.
Treize: (slightly flushed)
Speaking of which... Milliard... where did he toss that camcorder?
Zechs: (already taping) Right over here, sir.
16-Wufei was whimpering
softly under the table, but couldn't be heard over Duo and Trowa as they
began singing in unison again.
-- Treize: (thoughtfully)
My poor Dragon shall need comforting...
17-"Damned if I'm sitting
out," Trowa countered, resuming the song as he dragged a struggling, but
somewhat intrigued Quatre toward the still-open door.
- Rashid: (shedding tears
of emotion, smiling broadly) Oh, Master Quatre... you're growing up
18-"... Are you busy?
I've got this strange craving for... zucchini... "
-- Treize: (on cell
phone, beams happily): Milliard?
Zechs: (testily, hands him a zucchini) Your squash, sir.
Treize: (raises an eyebrow at him) Don't you want to play, too?
Zechs: (ponders a moment, then smiles wickedly)
Rashid: (still weeping copiously and grinning) Oh, Master Quatre...
to Aoe's fic]