("Sleep Together" by Garbage)
fic by Aoe

Sleep Together

I walk slowly away from the building where she is finishing her speech, no doubt to enthusiastic applause from the hordes of dignitaries longing to be reassured that we really are living in peaceful times, despite the occasional flare-up of world-threatening hostilities.

I don't know how she does it, really. How she keeps making those speeches... and actually believing in what she says.

I can't believe in her peace. But then, perhaps that is because I've never known peace myself.

I am a soldier, a fighter. I was made for war, for conflict. To follow orders and endure pain, all in the name of someone's ideals.

Not mine. I don't have any.

I never thought I'd survive the first war, much less the second.

I pause, looking up at the sky, remembering my words to her before I passed out in her lap.

It's over. I don't have to kill anymore.

And it is, and I don't. But now I have no idea what to do with myself.

I asked Duo. He gave me some half-assed advice about doing whatever I wanted, but added that getting laid should definitely be at the top of my list. He said he'd never met anybody who needed to get laid as badly as I did.

I am struck again by the same mental image that assaulted me when he said those words. Once upon a time, we spent some time at the same boarding school in between missions. The school had communal showers in the dorm, and one night I happened to walk in on him, showering alone. He didn't realize I was there, and I can still vividly recall every line of his slender frame, water coursing down smooth pale skin and dark, impossibly long hair. He had his face lifted to the spigot, and I watched as he ran his hands over his skin, turning slowly under the stream of water...

I grimace and banish the memory once again. He's already back on L2 with Hilde. I need to stop thinking about things I can never have.

But the situation does preclude me from following his advice to ‘do whatever I want.' I know what I want to do, I always have known, and I know I will never be able to do it. I will never reach out and touch that soap-slick alabaster skin, never have him turn towards me and smile welcomingly, never share a shampoo-scented embrace on the mildewed tile floor...

This is not a good sign. I already know I don't handle peace well. Without a clear objective, without a mission to focus on, I tend to drift, losing myself in pointless fantasies.

He told me to get laid. Said I needed it. And I do.

But it can't be with him.

I frown, scuffing at the ground with my shoe.

I do know one person whose reception I'm certain of.

I can't imagine her naked in a dorm shower, but she's not really repulsive. I've heard her described as pretty.

He called her pretty.

I never really thought about it, I suppose. I was always too busy trying to avoid her. She did obsess a bit, and she was always chasing me into dangerous situations.

I guess that's sort of flattering.

There's no doubt she's devoted to me.

I got you crawling up a mountain
Hanging round my neck

It's sort of strange. She's actually a very strong person. Maybe just because she's used to always getting her way, but for whatever reason, she's no pushover.

In a way, it's sort of a thrill, knowing the power I have over her. Well, it's not really power over her, I guess... although perhaps it is. She wants me badly enough to chase me all over Earth and outer space. She looks at me like I'm some kind ofgod.

Which is silly. The only god I've ever encountered in human form is Shinigami.

Pale skin flushed from the heat of the water...

I shudder slightly, shaking off the sharp mental picture. How can one stupid memory have such an effect on me?

But then... is my effect on Relena any different?

It would be... nice... to be so wanted...

I got you twisted round my finger
Crawling round my legs

I am very much at a loss right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I never thought I'd live this long, and if I did, I certainly never thought I'd find myself at loose ends with too much time to think.

It's bad for me to think too much. It's very, very... bad.

The emptiness, the craziness...

And on top of all my other problems, I am a sixteen-year-old boy.

Duo was right, I do need to get laid.

It's an itch I've never scratched, and it's starting to torment me more than my memories.

Satisfy this hungriness...

It's not that I've never thought about her. Maybe once or twice, late at night. She forced herself into my life and wouldn't leave. I had no choice but to think about her, and being a teenage boy...

Well, I suppose my thoughts took a predictable direction.

Of course I've wondered.

Darling... how would it feel?

The problem is, we just don't agree. We have a fundamental difference of opinion about the nature of mankind. She truly believes everybody wants peace, and she has been trying for a long time to make me admit that I agree with her.

The problem being that I don't, and I don't see any purpose in lying about that to appease her.
I think convincing me of the truth of her beliefs would be just as good as me declaring my undying love for her.

I wonder if the reverse would be true?

If we sleep together
Will you like me better?

It wouldn't strictly be the truth, of course, but that's not much of a consideration. And I do admire her, her passion and determination, even if her stubbornness and naivete sometimes drive me to distraction.

But... if I take this step with her, there won't be any turning back. It's a one-way street.

If we cum together
We'll go down forever

I don't know if I want to tie myself to her like that.

Do I love her? I don't know, and maybe that's an answer in and of itself. Wouldn't I know it if I did? Or am I unable to recognize such a soft emotion in myself, where it has no right to be?

I just don't know. She irritates me because she won't accept the darker truths about humanity that I know all too well, but at the same time, I almost want to protect her from that knowledge. It would tarnish her.

I need to protect her.

Is that enough?

If we sleep together
Will I like you better?

‘You need to get laid.'

Right you are, Duo. Maybe I'm making the whole thing too complicated.

I turn deliberately and start walking back toward Relena.

If we cum together
Prove it now or never...

I didn't expect her to be quite so willing.

But here we are, alone in the darkness of her bedchamber. And it is definitely a bedchamber, not a bedroom.

Certainly not a cramped dorm room. Or a bathroom with the mirrors fogged and the sound of water striking flesh...

I cut that thought off before it gets me into trouble and concentrate on the blonde girl lying atop the white linen sheets, staring up at me. She is a little scared, a little confused, but quite determined to go through with this.

I really wonder why.

"Heero... " she murmurs in that familiar tone of fascination, and not for the first time, I wonder what she sees when she looks at me.

Certainly not the battered and scarred, jaded and cynical veteran of life and violence that I know myself to be. She couldn't see that and smile at me so adoringly.

I know someone who could.

I wonder if I could ever be the person she thinks I am. I wonder, if I looked into her light blue eyes with not even a tint of violet long enough, would I find myself there? Could I become that shallow reflection?

Life would be much easier if I could.

Make me a pretty person, make me
Feel like I belong

She obviously has no idea how to proceed, but I have watched enough porno with Duo, who was always full of additional commentary and helpful tips, to have some idea. So I straddle her body, supporting myself on knees and hands as I lean in to kiss her. She is rather clumsy at first, and it takes me a while to nudge my tongue past her teeth, but eventually she begins to mirror my actions. I lower myself to one side so I can touch her, her body soft and warm beneath my callused fingers. Her skin is smooth and silky, and I close my eyes as I slide my hand up into her hair, imagining just for a moment that it is much longer, and a darker shade.

She begins to touch me as well, and it isn't long before my long-suppressed hormones begin to sit up and take notice. Before I even quite know what is happening, I am inside her, and she is groaning beneath me, but not in pain. She opens her eyes, the pupils dilated, and smiles widely up at me. There is such blatant adoration in her gaze that it almost breaks my concentration. But not quite.

"Heero... God... you're... magnificent... " she gasps out. I am beyond speech, and can only growl in reply.

I try to give it an affectionate tone.

Make me hard and make me happy
Make me beautiful

I am close, so close, now, to a release that I have been denied all my life. Dr. J forbade me even the natural outlet for such tensions, telling me that to encourage hormonal responses might distract me from my missions.

Bastard. I know for a fact that Duo jacked off all the time, and he never had any problem with his missions.

But I faithfully followed my orders, and now, the sensations I am feeling are almost enough to knock me unconscious. It's amazing, it's uncontrollable, it's intense enough to drown out the constant screaming in my head for a while.

It's also strangely hollow, but I don't allow myself to think about that.

The emptiness, the craziness...

I am consumed by this heat, this burning need, and I let it wash over me, dragging me under, drowning me in a tidal wave of ecstasy...

Satisfy this hungriness...

I never knew my body could feel like this. I have known very little but pain in my life, at least as far as extremes of sensory input go. I have never known pleasure like this... nothing to even approach it.

Is it... always like this?

Darling... how would it feel?

Relena's nails dig into my skin, drawing blood as she yells my name. I am vaguely surprised no guards come running to check on her.

Paygan probably knows what's happening.

Her eyes slide open again, and I can clearly see that right now, no differences of opinion matter at all to her. I am, for this moment, perfect in her eyes.

If we sleep together
Will you like me better?

I am not sure the same is true for me.

The physical experience is amazing, better than I ever imagined, but...

I remember Duo's particularly harsh critique of one of the films we watched. Having panned it, he then added, in the interests of fairness, "Of course, when you come down to it, shit like this can only be so good. I mean, this stuff is just sex. It's not love."

I never quite understood what he meant by that.

I do now.

But it's too late to take this back.

If we cum together
We'll go down forever

Maybe... in time...

Can you learn to love someone?

Can you learn to love at all, or is it a skill you simply have or don't have, like being double-jointed?

Is there a genetic code for love?

If I can learn... I owe it to her to try.

If we sleep together
Will I like you better?

She lets out an ear-splitting screech and clings to me for a moment, then collapses bonelessly against the mattress, staring up at me as she pants.

"Heero... oh, God, Heero... I love you," she declares rapturously.


Well, I know what is expected here, and I suppose I owe her that, as well.

"Relena... I love you," I echo, wondering at how easily the words slip from my tongue. I can hear the hollowness in my voice that always betrays my lies, but she doesn't.

He would, and I would have to be certain before I said it to him...

Damn it. I can't be thinking things like that when she's staring up at me with teary eyes.

"Oh, Heero... I'm so happy! But... when... when can we... " she trails off, smiling hopefully. I am momentarily trapped in a vision of wet skin again, and answer vaguely the question I assume she is asking: When can we do this again?

"Whenever you like, Relena." I am feeling generous.

Her eyes open wide in shock, and I wonder if I have made an error.

"Oh, Heero," she whispers, "I'll be the best wife ever!"

What the hell?

If we cum together
Prove it now or never...

"Wife?" I ask warily.

She beams up at me, oblivious to my reluctant tone. "Of course, silly! Now that we've... well, you know... we have to get married, of course. But then you knew that! I knew when you asked me to be with you that it was your way of asking me to be with you!" she giggles at her little joke. I am feeling slightly ill.

"Married," I repeat dully. The sense of physical fulfillment I had achieved just moments ago is rapidly deserting me.

If we sleep together...
Nothing satisfies me, baby...

"Yes, married, silly! Oh, you'll look so handsome in your tuxedo... Don't laugh, but I've had it all planned out in my head for the longest time," she gushes happily.

I listen with one ear, a familiar sense of fatalism overtaking me. I walked right into this.

If we sleep together...
I'll wear something pretty, baby...

Relena continues to inform me of her long-standing wedding plans.

I close my eyes and see Duo turning slowly under the rusty showerhead.

He never even knew I was interested. And he certainly never showed any sign of wanting me.

So maybe... maybe I should take what I can get.

If we sleep together...
Give me what I crave now baby...

At least I know the sex will be good. Anything else... well, it will come with time, won't it? It's not like I despise her. Maybe... maybe I could love her...

If we sleep together...
Save the rest for later, baby...

Somewhere deep inside me there is a little voice saying, ‘No. This is not right. Don't let this go any further.'

Duo turns slowly under the steaming spray of water.

I will have to forget that moment. Otherwise, I will never be able to go through with this. And I have to go through with this, I see that now.

So get out of my head, beautiful, wet, smiling boy who never gave me a second glance. Let me be happy with her.

If we sleep together...
You would drive me crazy, baby...

I can be. I know I can do it.

I won't think of him anymore.

I open my eyes, and stare down at her. She is beautiful, in her own way. That will have to be enough.

I will love her.



Mission accepted.

If we sleep together...
I save it all for you my baby...

She settles down finally, and dozes off in my arms. I close my eyes, and he is there again, turning slowly, under the water.

Turning towards me.

If we sleep together...

He finally turns fully towards me and I can see his usual smug little smirk.

But I'm not sure if it's memory or imagination that shows me the barest slits of blue-violet watching me knowingly.

If we sleep together...

Not that it matters now.


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