Based on a plot bunny from Dacia
1+2, 3x4, 5xS
Angst, Sap, Romance; Not a song fic but that's where Dacia's idea came
Heero loves Duo but he doesn't know it. Duo doesn't love Heero but he
wants to be loved.
Operated Boy +
It was Monday. Work was boringly
endless and endlessly boring, not that I was working. It was raining.
I had paperwork that was breeding in my in-box. All my clothes were dirty.
I needed to go to the grocery store. And the man I loved and wanted to
spend the rest of my life with had left me for some guy he met at a party.
A party I'd thrown so my friends could all meet my new perfect guy. My
personal life was in the toilet, again. The day was worse than bad. Did
I mention I was depressed? I didn't want to think about it. I stared across
my desk at Heero.
I was watching Heero and thinking about his life because it beat hell
out of thinking about my life. Heero's life is much different from mine
(read better). Heero is in charge of his life, in control. Heero doesn't
need other people, doesn't let anyone in. Heero isn't looking for love.
He never takes risks, never opens himself up, never gets his heart ripped
out and stomped flat. Ouch. I don't think Heero knows what being in love
is; I don't think he's ever even considered it.
Heero is my partner, and my friend. He's working away at some Preventer
thing, tapping away on his laptop. Heero looks up and smiles at me. He
calls me his best friend. And Heero is certainly the best friend I have.
I'm not sure I'm such a good friend to Heero but I've never hurt him and
never would. Heero's never hurt me, either. It's the people I fall in
love with that hurt me. The ones that should love me back but they never
do, not really. If they did, they wouldn't hurt me, right? If you love
someone you don't leave them, that's what I think love is, a forever kind
Heero is looking at me and I can read the expression on his face. We've
been friends for a long time. We've been partners since we both joined
the Preventers after the war ended. Heero always knows when something
is bothering me, when something is wrong. But he won't ask, he'll just
look at me with that patient face until I spill my guts. He'll listen
and say, 'hn' in a comforting tone that means, 'you deserve better, Duo.'
And he's right, I do. Don't I deserve to be happy? To be loved, cherished,
cared for? To have someone of my own to love, to cherish, to care for?
It's too bad I can't fall for someone like Heero. Someone solid, honest,
and a bit predictable, at least to me. Someone who treats people right,
Heero is never cruel for the sake of cruelty. I think Heero would make
someone very happy. Heero's handsome, he's kind, he's loyal...that makes
him sound like a Labrador Retriever which isn't what I meant. He's just
not my type. I don't even know if he likes guys that way. I don't know
if he likes anyone that way. I'm not sure what Heero's type is, I'm not
sure Heero knows.
Heero and Relena were a couple after the war, or everyone thought they
were. It turned out it was mainly because Relena took advantage of Heero's
friendship and sense of duty. Relena was in love with the idea of Heero.
She didn't really know him. If she had she wouldn't have made that fatal
mistake. If Relena had been willing to include me in her attempt to marry
Heero it might have worked. But when she tried to make Heero go to Sanq,
to leave the Preventers and me behind, Heero balked. I was his best friend
he said, we were partners and he couldn't leave me behind. So Relena and
Heero were over, just like that. Relena doesn't like me very much.
Yeah, that's a little obsessive for friendship. But Heero is like that.
He was willing to marry Relena out of friendship. But that wasn't enough
for Ms. Peacecraft, she wanted it all, but Heero wasn't willing to abandon
me. He's that kind of friend. And as much as I want Heero to be happy
I'm glad he wasn't really in love with Relena. I'm glad he's still here
as my friend and partner. I think Heero's happy to be here, too. But I
really wish Heero could find someone to love.
Since Relena there have been others. Heero never refers to them as more
than friends. Eventually their desire for more than friendship makes them
move on or move into the 'just friends' list. Sometimes I wonder if Heero's
war experiences and his upbringing have made him a bit, well, socially
retarded. That's probably not a fair description. He likes people, he
enjoys going out, he seems to like physical contact although I'm not sure
just how far he's interested in going. But hugs, friendly kisses are okay,
and maybe more, maybe not. I'm a touchy feelie kind of guy and Heero's
okay with that. But it's not the kind of thing we discuss. I'm not even
sure if he likes guys or girls. He's not uncomfortable with me liking
guys but we don't get too personal. If I say too much about my boyfriends,
my lovers, Heero gets a real blank expression and I know he doesn't want
to hear about it.
Maybe emotionally stunted is the descriptive phase I'm looking for. Heero's
emotional range is different. It's like he's not quite alive to all the
possibilities. He can be happy and he gets sad but I don't think he ever
experiences things like joy or despair. I'm living my life at either end
of that spectrum, all too often at the despair end. Maybe Heero's lucky.
Some days I don't think the pain is worth it.
So I'm pretending to work and watching Heero, who's now watching me back.
When it's time to go home and I'm dragging my feet cause I can't face
my empty apartment Heero asks me if I want to grab a bite to eat. And
why not? It's not like I have anything else to do, and sooner or later
I'm going to have to tell Heero that the latest love-of-my-life has left
me for someone else. Someone they'd been seeing for a month or so before
I found out. Someone I introduced them too. The irony of it is not lost
We pick up take away because I don't really want to go out. I already
know that the evening is going to be emotional; I'd rather do that at
home. We finish eating, we're making small talk, and Heero brews coffee,
we take it in to the living room and sit side by side on the sofa. Heero
puts his hand on my shoulder and fixes me with that 'Look' that says,
'spill it' and I do. By the time I finish telling Heero the latest chapter
of My Love Life Sucks and So Do I, and he's handed me tissues and awkwardly
patted my shoulder, it's late. I'm still at Heero's place because I just
can't face mine. Can't face the evidence of another failure.
Heero puts fresh sheets on the bed in the guest room, which he refers
to as 'your room, Duo' and makes me hot chocolate and looks like there's
nothing he'd rather be doing than consoling me, again. This isn't the
first time Heero's picked up pieces of Duo Maxwell and stuck them back
together. I wish I could be sure it will be the last time. Heero is telling
me that I'm welcome to stay with him as long as I want to and talking
about things we could do this weekend and generally being a really good
friend. Heero knows I was looking forward to the long weekend with that
bastard who's now my ex.
"You know I'm here for you, Duo." Heero tells me, and it makes me feel
better to hear it. I wrap my arms around him in a hug and he lets me.
Heero is a really great guy. Maybe someday he'll fall in love. I know
when he does he won't screw up like I have. Heero will fall in love with
someone who can appreciate him, someone who'll love him back. I think
I almost feel a bit jealous at the thought. I let go of Heero and smile.
I'm finishing the hot chocolate Heero made for me and thinking about Heero
falling in love and having someone that's more important to him than me
when I realize he's asking me a question.
"So is that what you want to do, Duo?" Heero is staring at me, expectantly.
I try to gather my wits about me and all I can do is grunt.
"Do you want to go to the exhibit at the museum or go camping?" Heero
asks patiently, reminding me that we are making plans for the weekend.
I know Heero wants to do neither but has chosen both of them just because
I like them. I'm saved from telling Heero that I really just want to crawl
into a bottle and never come out by the ring of the vidphone. I could
never tell Heero that, he'd get the sad look on his face and I'd feel
like a heel.
Quatre and Trowa are smiling out of the vidscreen. Tro's arm is draped
over Quatre's shoulders and they look...happy...and in love. I'm pleased
for them, I love them both but it makes my heart hurt. I'm glad for them,
honest, but to see what they have and know I'm never going to share that
with anyone, well, it hurts. A lot. And suddenly the realization that
I'm really never going to find that and I don't even want to try again
flattens me like a Gundam. I can't breath. I can hear Quatre's voice and
hope he didn't feel that.
"Duo?" Quatre is calling my name and has a frown on his face. I stick
my smile back on my face and pay attention.
"Sure Q that sounds good." I say. Now Heero is frowning at me and Quatre
has a puzzled look. I wonder what it would be like to wake up to someone
every morning, to hear 'I love you' last thing every night.
I must have zoned out again because when I next notice Quatre is interrupting
Heero's list of our plans for the weekend. "But you can go camping next
weekend. Wufei and Sally won't be able to get away again before the wedding.
Please come. You want to, don't you, Duo?" Quatre's eyes are large and
pleading, Trowa has that expression that says 'what Q wants, Q gets, or
I'll hurt you.' Even Heero looks at me, handing the decision off to me.
'Great, gee thanks guys,' an opportunity to spend my few days off with
the two sappiest couples this side of Mars. But I can't refuse Q much
of anything, even when he's not backed up by Trowa's menacing smile. I
know Heero wants to go and see the guys. Sap doesn't affect our Heero.
"Sure, Quat, I'd love to. It will be great to see everyone." I don't lie
but for my friends I can stretch the truth.
He smiles with genuine pleasure and adds, "If you want to bring someone,
Duo?" Quatre's invitation trails off and I see his eyes flick to Heero's
face. Heero's expression is suddenly blank.
"Thanks, Q. It'll just be me and Heero. Unless Heero wants to bring someone?"
Now Heero and Quatre both look...odd.
The moment passes, ...Quatre smiles, Trowa smiles, I check Heero's face
and he has what passes for a smile on his face. Great, everyone's happy,
everyone but me. I resign myself to a weekend in True Love Hell. After
Quatre and Heero exchange information and plan the details (something
to which I pay no attention) and have both signed off, Heero turns and
looks at me.
"You didn't have to go, Quatre would understand." He says quietly.
"Hey, it's okay. I didn't want to give Trowa any reason to hunt me down
and hurt me." And I smile, more to convince myself than Heero. Quatre
would understand all too well and that would be worse.
"Hn," says Heero. He doesn't call me baka anymore, at least not out loud,
but sometimes I can tell he's thinking it. Like right now.
"I'm tired, Heero. I'm going to turn in." I stand, stretch, and yawn.
"Goodnight, Duo. If you need anything?" Heero turns and reaches for his
"Sure Heero, thanks." And I go to bed, alone.
I can't sleep. I lie there in the dark 'guest room' and think about my
life. All the hopes I had after we survived the war. Hope for a real life,
a decent job, one that doesn't involve killing people, friends, and being
loved and in love.
I hadn't done so badly, up to a point. My Preventer's job is good, sometimes
dangerous, but I suspect Heero and I both need that. Sometimes I do have
to kill people but only if they are trying to kill me or someone else.
I have good friends, even a Best Friend. I have a place of my own, all
by myself now. And that thought derailed my Pollyanna moment.
Down the hall the water in the bathroom was running. Heero had finished
on the computer and was getting ready for bed. I pictured him brushing
his teeth, washing his face, running his fingers through his hair. He
has a comb, I'm just not sure he uses it. I hear the door open and Heero
walks softly down the hall, past my door. I know he's stopped and is just
"Heero?" I call out.
"Goodnight, Duo. Go to sleep."
And eventually I do.
It's Thursday, Heero and I are working hard, right through lunch all week
so we can take Friday off and have a four day weekend. We can get away
with this because Heero, the perfect warrior is also the perfect Preventer.
When Heero Yuy asks for time off Lady Une is not going to say 'no.' And
of course if Heero takes a day off, so do I. We're a package deal. Besides,
Heero doesn't trust anyone other than himself to cover me.
I'm looking forward to four days away, even if it means I'll be subjected
to my friends in love. You know how people in love are. It's not enough
that they are in love, they want everyone else to share the joy. I'd like
to, I really would. Quatre will ask what happened with the bastard and
ooze empathy, he'll offer me advise and tell me about some great guy that
he's invited to a party and he can't wait to introduce us. Trowa will
tell me to be patient. WuFei and Sally will smile and say the perfect
person is out there. I used to believe it. But I don't anymore. I think
I don't believe in true love for Duo anymore. I don't think my happily
ever after is out there. But I don't want to be alone.
Our bags are packed, the reservations are made. We catch the early morning
flight. Quatre offered to send a private plane but Heero overruled him.
We board on time, take our seats, and Heero pulls out his laptop. I wake
up when the pilot announces we are about to land. I realize I've been
sleeping with my head on Heero's shoulder. I mumble an apology. Heero
just grins at me.... grin.... a word not many people associate with Heero
Yuy. I probably drooled on Heero's shoulder, he probably kept still the
whole time so I could rest, and he grins at me. Rashid meets us at the
luggage carrousel and drives us to Quatre's place.
Quatre is at his office taking care of Winner Enterprises. Trowa meets
us in the entryway, hugs us both, and invites us for a late breakfast.
Someone scurries away with our bags and we follow Trowa out onto a covered
deck where food is being set out. Life is good at the Barton-Winner house.
Trowa fills us in on how they are, what they've been doing. He and Heero
start to discuss something and I drift off thinking how it would be to
have someone like Trowa in my life. I don't want Trowa but I want someone
who cares about me the way Trowa cares about Quatre. Trowa loves Quatre,
he watches out for him, and he needs him like he needs air to breathe.
I want that. I want someone who's always there for me. The way Heero is
always my friend, always there for me. Heero. Time slows down and the
world sort of tilts on its axis. Heero.
"Duo, is that okay with you?" Trowa's voice jerks me back to reality.
"Sure, okay, that'll be great." I smile and then notice the smirks on
Heero's and Trowa's faces. "Sorry, I wasn't listening, I guess. What did
I just agree to?" I ask with more than a little trepidation.
"You just agreed that you'd be happy to be Sally's maid of honor and that
you'd look good in pink." The smirks intensified and they outright laughed
when I scowled.
"What were you thinking about Duo?" Heero was looking at me, a little
worried I think.
"Nothing Heero, I'm just tired. Think I'm going to have a nap before we
meet Quatre." And I left them to their discussion. I needed to think.
Quatre's place is really nice. That's like saying Quatre has a little
money. He's stinkin' rich. I'm lying in a huge bed, staring at the high
ceiling; light is streaming in the windows. I love Earth. I love real
sunlight, and seeing the night sky. I'm stalling now. Color me confused.
While I was watching Trowa and contemplating his relationship with Quatre
something clicked for me, something about Heero. Something about relationships,
about our relationship.
Trowa supports Quatre by just being there, he never criticizes but he
does tell Quatre what he thinks, he makes sure Quatre gets enough rest,
and that he eats regularly, that he takes a break and does fun stuff.
He's a rock for Quatre, always, and it makes Trowa happy to take care
of Quatre, to be that support he needs, to be there for him. The way Heero
is for me. Trowa loves Quatre. Does Heero love me? I feel that wobble
I mean, I know Heero loves me, but is he in love with me, the way Trowa
is in love with Quatre, the way WuFei loves Sally, the way I want someone
to be in love with me? Does Heero even realize that he's in love with
me? I don't think so. Heero may not understand love but he's honest about
what he feels. I think it might disturb Heero to realize he's in love
with his best friend, hell, it disturbs me a bit, okay a lot. And yet....
it feels good to know that someone feels that way about me. I'm so tired
of getting hurt, tired of rejection, tired of being on the outside looking
in. What would it be like if Heero accepted that he loved me and we were
a couple. I played that fantasy in my mind for a while. Heero really focused
on me, on making me happy, on loving me. I've been in relationships that
were based on less.
If Heero were really in love with me, if we were a couple, would it be
so wrong? I would never hurt Heero, after all I do love him, and lots
of relationships are based on less than friendship. I'd be good to Heero
and Heero would love me. Maybe that's enough? I drift off to sleep thinking
happy thoughts for a change. I dream about being loved, about strong arms
holding me, warm mouth kissing mine. It's a good dream.
Heero comes into my room to wake me up; Quatre is with him. They are discussing
dinner and going out and Heero is telling Quatre that I don't really like
French food and they decide on Italian. How sweet is that? Heero is always
thinking about me. Quatre climbs onto the bed to wrap his arms around
me and tell me how glad he is that we've come. Heero stands by the bed
and looks pleased. I pat the empty spot on my other side and he looks
alternately confused and then sort of happy. He carefully moves up from
the end of the bed and kind of spoons up behind me. Quatre giggles, reaches
across me and pats Heero. We lay there comfortable and content until Trowa
comes to tell us that Quatre needs to eat something and that tea is being
served on the deck. He pulls Quatre up off the bed and Heero makes to
move away. I turn and give Heero a hug and thank him for bringing me,
for taking care of me, for being my friend. I look in Heero's eyes and
see...love. And god help me, I like it, I like it a lot.
The rest of the day goes smoothly. I am more than a little confused by
my discovery. Heero is in love with me. I can't help but wonder for how
long. Surely not during the war, although even then he tolerated things
from me that he wouldn't have from anyone else. I mean, I shot him, twice,
and he didn't kill me. He rescued me from an OZ prison when by rights
he should have killed me. Looking back I see lots of incidences that in
light of my belief that Heero is in love with me, make a strange sort
of sense. Heero thinks of Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei as dear friends. He'd
lay down his life for Relena, even now. But he doesn't live his life for
them. Why hadn't I noticed before?
Instead of self-destructing after the war he'd lived. I'd asked him to
come back to me and he had, despite his training. Was that love? I was
beginning to thing so. I wonder what this means. I don't love Heero as
anything other than my friend. But I can't help but think about what kind
of lover Heero would make. First of all, he's beautiful. Men and women
all think so, always have. It's that killer glare and the complete lack
of interest that keeps all but the most determined away. I think about
Heero's body, sleek, hard, well muscled but not bulky. I think about his
dark blue eyes staring into mine, how his mouth quirks up just a bit at
the corners when he's amused, how his lips are full and wonder how they'd
feel on mine.
I wonder if Heero ever thinks about me that way. Does he think about anyone
that way? I already know that Heero cares about me and takes good care
of me. I wonder if the only reason he joined the Preventer's was to watch
out for me. I wonder what Heero will think when he realizes he's in love
with me. How am I going to get him to face up to it?
I'm almost...almost...ashamed of what I'm thinking. But if Heero really
does love me, and I think he does. Would it be wrong to let him, to give
myself to him in exchange for that love? It's not like I'm planning on
using him, not really. I'd be good to Heero, I'd be his, and he'd be mine.
Someone who needed and wanted me. I do need Heero, I do want him, and
I do love him, I'm just not in love with him. So it wouldn't be a lie
to say "I love you, Heero." Not really. And I'd make Heero happy. I promise
I will, and I never break my promise, not even to myself.
I spend the rest of the weekend feeling much better. I go out of my way
to be nice to Heero, not that it's hard to be nice to Heero. I don't argue
when he tries to do things for me. I ask his opinion. I do things that
I know he likes. When we go dancing I sit at the table with him and don't
dance with any of the strangers that try to entice me out on the floor.
I let my knee rest against Heero's under the table. I catch him looking
at me when he thinks I'm watching Quatre and Trowa on the dance floor,
he looks a little confused but happy.
Quatre spends a lot of time just looking at us beaming. I'm guessing he's
known about Heero's feelings for me for a long time and now he knows I've
figured it out too. Quatre likes all his friends to be happy. I hope he
doesn't ask me if I'm in love with Heero. I don't lie and it's tough to
fool Quatre, hard to avoid telling him the truth. He knows me too well.
But I can honestly say Monday when we leave for the airport that I'm very
glad we came. Heero looks glad too, and on the way home I drop my head
on his shoulder and sleep contentedly.
During the week I think about what I should do next. I start looking at
advertisements for new apartments. Heero wants to know what's wrong with
my old one and I tell him, truthfully, that it has lots of bad memories.
I tell him I'm thinking of getting a roommate. He knows I don't like living
alone. He says exactly what I hoped he would. He offers to share his apartment
with me, after all, he says, the extra room has always been mine. I wonder
if that's why he got a two-bedroom apartment in the first place? I spend
my evenings packing my stuff and over the weekend Heero helps me move
in to his, no, our apartment. For the first time in a long time coming
home is a good thing. Heero smiles a lot. We're both happy, it can't be
wrong, can it?
[part 2] [back to BleedToBlue's