by Bronze Tigress and Cassima

The Closet

CASSIMA: LOL Their issues are rather more pressing than the gender of their lover, aren't they? Hehe...
WUFEI: Okay, look, I can deal with the destruction of everyone I've ever known, Duo, but in the name of all that is holy, I won't date you because you're a man!
DUO: And you're a man, too! Yuck! It's too bad we're otherwise such a perfect match in every way.
WUFEI: Yes, but my inner demons think homosexuality is icky.
DUO: Oh, well. I'm off to mope about Sister Helen!
WUFEI: Cheerio!
CASSIMA: heheheh
BRONZE: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah, right... Cheerio, my ass... ;) *still snickering* Evil! Evil you are! :)
CASSIMA: Moi? *twiddles thumbs, ignoring Hotmail name*
WUFEI: I was speaking of the breakfast cereal.
DUO: I like Cheerios! They're so... happy!
CASSIMA: Almost gay, wouldn't you think?
DUO: I... uh... hey!
WUFEI: Word traps... *eye twitches* Evil onnas!
DUO: He means that in a way that does not in any way imply that he likes dick. I mean, dick other than his own. I mean -
WUFEI: *claps a hand over Duo's mouth* I think you've done quite enough talking for now.
BRONZE: *giggle* Look, guys, there's this nice little closet over there, you can just go hide in there nice and privately and, ah... talk this whole thing over between yourselves, and don't come out till you've gotten it all... figured out, okay?
DUO: Hey! No! aaaack... *as he's dragged away* Stop! Wufei! You don't know what you're doing...
WUFEI: No? *easing up on the braid some*
DUO: No, see, 'cause if we go in there, sooner or later we have to come out again, see?
WUFEI: Explain yourself, Maxwell...
DUO: Um, you see, it... the phrase... I ain't coming out of that closet, Wu! Not for you! I mean...
WUFEI: *eyes narrowing* Don't you want to figure this out so this irrational urge to "have relations" will disappear?
DUO: *blink, blink* Urge?
WUFEI: ...Not that I'm feeling anything.
DUO: Me neither.
WUFEI: Good. I'm glad that's settled.
DUO: Me, too. *long pause* Are you telling me I'm not desirable?
WUFEI: That's not what I said, Maxwell!
DUO: I'll have you know that I'm very desirable!
WUFEI: Good. I desire to discuss this in private. *drags him off towards the closet*
DUO: NO, NOT THE CLOSET!! IT'S A TRAP!
WUFEI: So you say. Are you telling me that taking you into the bedroom to discuss this is preferable? In case you failed to notice, Maxwell, those are authors over there, and I am not discussing a private matter like this in front of them, lest they create something out of it. To get anywhere else we have to go past them...
DUO: But, Wufe-ei...
WUFEI: Hm...? *still hauling*
DUO: If we go in there, sooner or later we have to come out again.
WUFEI: And your point would be?
DUO: Err... Hey, stop already wouldja? Waaaugh!!! *digging in heels*
WUFEI: Maxwell!
DUO: *heels scrambling to dig into the tiled floor* ...the bedroom is more innocent.
WUFEI: You've lost your mind. *opens the door and tries to drag Duo in*
DUO: *clawing at the door frame* You're not listening to me, Wufei! I'm not going in, and that's doing us both a favor!
WUFEI: I will not discuss this with you in front of them. *pointed look at suddenly innocently whistling authors*
DUO: *glances at Wufei* AHH! You're already in!
WUFEI: Yes, and I feel no different. Now, stop clowning around, Maxwell, and--
DUO: NO! *attaches himself, leech-like, to the door frame*
WUFEI: *prying him off finger by finger* YES!
DUO: You don't know what you're-
WUFEI: *finally gets Duo's last finger from where it was locked* Take it like a man, Maxwell.
DUO: *wailing as Wufei closes the door* BUT I'M NOT GAYYYYYY!!
CASSIMA: Heh, heh. Not yet...
BRONZE: *snickers*

**muffled scuffling sounds from the closet**
WUFEI: ...rm... I, Maxwell...
DUO: BUT WUFE-EI!!!
WUFEI: ................Now, really, Duo.........
DUO: *wails*
WUFEI: ...............talking about........
DUO: ............................
WUFEI: WHAT!!???
DUO: ............................
WUFEI: ..........................&&&&&!!!
DUO: Wait!! Wufei! Don't
WUFEI: ...
DUO: ....?
WUFEI: ...

BRONZE: hmm... wonder if we can get a microphone under there so we can hear better? ;)
CASSIMA: Microphone? ::perk:: This sounds like a job for SuperSecret!Cassima!
HEERO: I didn't know such a thing existed.
SS!CASSIMA: Quiet, human. With the power of my super speed and extra-stealthiness, I will slither, like a small, creepy crawly thing that BT will kindly not squish, thank you very much.
BRONZE: Of course not!
CASSIMA: *beams* Thank you!
SS!CASSIMA: and with great care and expedience, I, while dripping with charisma, will--
HEERO: Just use my surveillance equipment.
CASSIMA: *facevault* But... but... Super Secret Stealthiness... and, and the whoosh! *makes pathetic flapping motions*
HEERO: Just stop now. *leaves, muttering about insane women*
CASSIMA: I heard that, Heero Yuy! You'll get yours! ...oo, shiny toys...
BRONZE: snickers (bye, Heero!)
CASSIMA: *grumble, grumble*
BRONZE: There, there... it's all right, we can just... stealth the nice shiny equipment up to the closet door, right? ;)
CASSIMA: *sniffle* You're so kind to pamper my delusions. Superstealth-on! *tiptoes over to the door, places the equipment, tiptoes back* ...somehow, less than satisfying...
BRONZE: *sigh* True.

DUO: ........to me, Wu-man. You're not looking so hot.
WUFEI: You're insane, Maxwell. You think that leaving this closet will induce me to sleep with you?
DUO: Technically, just being in the closet is dangerous. Leaving is just...
WUFEI: *sounding uncertain* I don't believe you.
DUO: If I see your hand going for that doorknob again, I swear I'll let loose the Shinigami.
WUFEI: So, we are now stuck in a closet together.
DUO: Aiyup. Good going, Fei-kun.
WUFEI: And we cannot leave, lest we be branded lovers?!
DUO: Aiyup.
WUFEI: And you did not explain this while we were still outside why?
DUO: Ah...
WUFEI: Oh, that's reassuring.
DUO: Like you were gonna stop and listen to me anyway!
WUFEI: Tche'. Whose boot is this I'm sitting on, anyway?
DUO: Dunno... So, got any more bright ideas?
WUFEI: Maxwell. You do realize that, at some point, we will have to leave this closet.
DUO: Nuh, uh! No way!
WUFEI: Little things like food, water, missions...
DUO: Fuck...
WUFEI: That too...
DUO: WHAT???
WUFEI: Bodily functions...
DUO: Ah, Wufei...
WUFEI: Yes?
DUO: Don't scare me like that... Not all of the English swear words mean the same thing...

BRONZE: Y'know, Cassima, they could be in there for a while, at this rate...
CASSIMA: *sigh* You reckon we could speed things up somehow?
BRONZE: Well, we could always flood them out or something, but that could get kinda messy... Or drop the temperature in there so they'd have to huddle together, y'know - do you remember if we left the winter coats in there or put them somewhere else for storage? 'Cause that won't work unless we stored 'em... Or... we could find out if they've got a joint mission... They'd have to come out of there for that, wouldn't they?
CASSIMA: Yeah, but then they'd just go blow things up to get rid of the sexual tension... *eyebrow raises* But they'd be out of closet... with each other... both of them... but they'd be on a mission, and not ready to have wild sex. ...dilemma...
BRONZE: *nods* we could... I dunno, send them off to investigate some small enclosed space somewhere...
CASSIMA: Could we make the closet smaller? I don't remember if we put the coats in storage... I don't, usually, just 'cause the temperature tends to vary with little respect to the season. Plus, do you really want to give the boys hypothermia?
BRONZE: Hmm... No, I guess not. Besides, if they have to stay in there for another 9 minutes or so... we won't need to do anything else, will we?
CASSIMA: Nine more minutes? I can wait nine minutes. ^_^ But then, the ceiling begins to fall. Inch by inch... ::cough:: But we'll retract the spikes. We wouldn't want it to be a ceiling of death.
BRONZE: *nods* Yes, we'd better do that, I think. (There's spikes? That's some closet...)
CASSIMA: It used to be the place where you put in the password to that secret lab thing we had? You remember? But then it got all funky-smelling, so we stored our lifetime supply of those really bad baked beans we won in there and walled up the door? ...and so I turned the little password-room-of-death thingie into a closet. I mean, we were just throwing our coats on the couch all the time...
BRONZE: Ah! Well, that explains it then. The, uh, password thingie got disconnected, right? I mean, not that they could go anywhere but into the room of beans, but...
CASSIMA: The password thingie? I don't even know if we still have it... well, I'm sure it got walled up with the beans. *pause* Those were really, really bad beans.
BRONZE: *nodnod* That's why we don't want them to accidentally activate the password thingy... I think the beans are probably pretty lethal by now...
CASSIMA: I think the beans were pretty lethal before. I don't know that they can get any worse. *pause* I possibly just said words of doom.

WUFEI: So what do you intend to do?
DUO: Die here. In this very spot.
WUFEI: There has to be a way to--what if we destroy the closet around us?
DUO: That could--hey, what are you doing?
WUFEI: I'm looking for structural weaknesses.
DUO: Um, Wu, that's my leg.
WUFEI: Is there a light in this closet?
DUO: Still my leg, Wu.
WUFEI: Thank you, Maxwell. Stop acting like I'm molesting you.
DUO: Do I have to draw a line down the middle of this closet?
WUFEI: I think you're taking this closet thing a little too far, don't you?
DUO: Don't you get it, Wufei? If we leave here, we're going to have sex! With each other! Several times! Probably in several different positions! Over an extended--
WUFEI: Okay, I get the picture, Duo!
DUO: Don't call me by my first name! You never call me by my first name!
WUFEI: Oh, so now I'm the one who's too informal?
DUO: Yes!
WUFEI: Maxwell, listen to me: I do not want to have sex with you.
DUO: ...You don't?
WUFEI: IT'S A GOOD THING!
DUO: Don't yell at me! I know that!
WUFEI: Fine. Go ahead, reject me.
DUO: Wu?
WUFEI: I said, fine, Duo. Just... leave me alone.
DUO: ... Oh... kay then.

**oppressive silence**
**sounds of Duo (presumably) flopping down onto the floor**
**more silence**

DUO: So, Wu, what's a cute guy like you doing in a closet like this?
WUFEI: *startled* What?!
DUO: Just trying to start a conversation, that's all. No need to take my head off...
WUFEI: You don't think I'm cute?
DUO: Wu!
WUFEI: Never mind. It's your own fault for not speaking up earlier.
DUO: MY fault? You're the one who was so eager to drag me in here in the first place...
WUFEI: Hah! You would have dragged me into the bedroom otherwise!
DUO: At least we could have been more comfortable in there! *flop*
WUFEI: Duo? That's not one of the boots you're leaning your head on...
DUO: ...it's not.
WUFEI: No.
DUO: *pause* Right, then. I'm just going to sit back up, slowly.
WUFEI: Good.
DUO: Okay, I'm sitting. Now I'm moving farther away. I'm up against the opposite wall now.
WUFEI: Good.
DUO: And now we're going to discuss WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?
WUFEI: I don't know! It just kind of...
DUO: Right! Right, we're healthy young men. It's hormones.
WUFEI: Hormones.
DUO: Happens all the time.
WUFEI: Yes.
DUO: For no particular reason.
WUFEI: No reason.
DUO: I mean, doesn't the average teenage boy think about sex every nine seconds? It's perfectly logical that--that--would happen. I mean, we've been in here for more than nine seconds.
WUFEI: *faintly* Right.
DUO: Fei? Fei-kun? Don't weird out on me now! Retain your heterosexuality! Remember the women! *desperately* Remember the women!
WUFEI: What does a woman look like?
DUO: I can't remember!
WUFEI: It's just panic. We're just panicked, that's why we can't get a grip.
DUO: A grip...
WUFEI: I mean--hey! A woman! I remember Relena!
DUO: Yes, Relena!
WUFEI: Annoying little ...I think my nine seconds are up.
DUO: I'm staying over here.
WUFEI: Good.

**long pause**

DUO: I'm bored.
WUFEI: What would you like me to do?
DUO: I can think of a few things...

**authors wait for it...K wait for it...K wait for it... K**
BRONZE: ...Kor not!

WUFEI: Fine, then, you do that... I'm just going to lie down here while I'm waiting...
DUO: Uh... Wufei...?
WUFEI: Allow me to guess - that's not a boot I'm lying on, and your nine seconds are up?
DUO: Uh, yeah. Right on both counts.
WUFEI: And we're going to stay in this closet how much longer, exactly?
DUO: Um, Wufei?
WUFEI: Yes, Duo?
DUO: Aren't you going to get up, Wufei?
WUFEI: Got that covered already.
DUO: WuFEI!
WUFEI: What? My nine seconds are up. And your lap is comfortable. And there seems to be very little point in trading positions again. If I wanted to do sit-ups I'd be in the exercise room, not a closet, and it would be my feet in your lap, not the back of my head.
DUO: Uh, Wufei...
WUFEI: Hmm?
DUO: Uh... um...
WUFEI: The alternative seems to be Relena. I do not approve of her...
DUO: ...Relena. Ugh.
WUFEI: Yes.

CASSIMA: ...Hey, do you think Heero has a night-vision spy camera hidden in
the closet?
BRONZE: Hmm... probably only hooked up to his laptop, if so... :S
CASSIMA: Hey, do you think Hemlock-san would let us borrow it?
HEERO: DON'T TOUCH MY LAPTOP!
CASSIMA: I just want spy camera pictures!
HEERO: Why would I put a spy camera in a closet?
CASSIMA: You're asking me?
BRONZE: *snickers* What, you don't want to know what happens in the closet? What if people were plotting in there?
HEERO: Hn. *walks off to search for camera parts*
CASSIMA: *high-five's Bronze* You da man! Um, feline. Um.
BRONZE: *heh* Heero's not paranoid, no! Why do you ask? *giggle* Just gotta know where his buttons are. ;)
CASSIMA: When I take over the world, you can be Heero's Chief Button-Pusher. ^_^ I like how you think.
*Relena appears in the doorway, looking curious and rather steamed*
BRONZE: er... *heh* No, no, Relena, she didn't mean it like THAT...
*backing away quickly*
CASSIMA: Relena, no touching BT. ...And I meant that both in a sexual and non-sexual way! Ew!
BRONZE: EWWW!!! Oh, thanks for that thought...
*Relena looks at the authors, and then decides that leaving now would be a good idea*
CASSIMA: Just doing my best to clear the air. *salute*
BRONZE: heh

WUFEI: ...what are you doing?
DUO: You have nice hair.
Wufei: I had nice hair. Now it's all messy.
DUO: What kind of shampoo do you use?
WUFEI: I just use whatever Quatre has whenever we meet up.
DUO: Really? I shoulda thought of that.
WUFEI: Mm... scratch a little lower, please.
DUO: ...but, Wu? Isn't stealing dishonorable?
WUFEI: These are difficult times. And Quatre doesn't mind.
DUO: ...hey, you think he and Tro were ever... in a closet together?
WUFEI: *snort* That'd be rich.
DUO: Rich. Yeah.

**Long pause**

BRONZE: So, how long do you think they'll be in there for? 'Cause if they're gonna be a while, we should order them some pizza or something...
CASSIMA: *sigh* Theyˇ¦re a watched pot; Duo's withholding the action. What do you like on your pizza?
BRONZE: hmm... pepperoni, mushrooms... anything that hasn't been pickled first...
CASSIMA: ...okay. Does a deep-dish spinach and bell peppers pizza pie sound okay? At the rate they're going, we'll have enough time to make it from scratch before anything good happens.
BRONZE: No kidding! Spinach & peppers sounds good. Are we going to make some for them too? All that... discussing they're going to be doing in there has to be making them hungry, right?
CASSIMA: Yes, we can lure them out with promises of pizza! Brilliant!
Okay, we'll get... um, do you know what they like on their pizza?
BRONZE: Um, no... we could always ask them, I suppose...
CASSIMA: *wringing her hands* But I just hate to interrupt them... I mean, what if they're in the middle of something that doesn't make a lot of noise but is potentially beneficial to coming out of the closet in a non-literal sense? I mean, they could be... they could be... brushing their hair. Or something. Plus, with the head in the lap, and the... *makes meaningless hand gestures* It could be bad. *pause* I'm just going to make what we like, and they can eat it if they like.
BRONZE: *nods* Sounds eminently sensible... Maybe we'd better put two in, though - growing boys and all... ;) (Not to mention, maybe we can coax Trowa into eating something, too!)
CASSIMA: Right, right... why, is Trowa anorexic? Does he need to be coaxed? *worried look* I'll make three pizzas. ...but, I don't want him to be bulimic...
BRONZE: No, no... he just... needs to eat more. High metabolism. Runs around too much. Skinny thang. ;) (Me too - I used to just about disappear if you turned me sideways at that age; if he were a girl, Trowa would ought to be a good 15lb heavier than he is for his height, and, uh... he's a boy, so it oughta be more than that... Hence, feed him already!)
CASSIMA: Alright, but you told me to. **due to the magic of the internet, the pizza bakes in record time** Trowa! I made pizza!
TROWA: *turns green* Not hungry.
CASSIMA: *crossly* Hey, BT supervised. It's not even black.
TROWA: Did you remember to bake it?
CASSIMA: *checks for heat coming off the pizza* Yes.
TROWA: ...and you swear you didn't make it on your own?
CASSIMA: Look, do you want it or not?
TROWA: Swear.
CASSIMA: Fine, yes, I swear Bronze helped. I made three. You have to take at least one.
TROWA: *eyes the pizza* Looks safe.
CASSIMA: I'm always kind to you in fics!
TROWA: Yeah, yeah... *takes a pizza and begins to eat, if a bit reluctantly*
BRONZE: *pops head in* Oh, good! You got some of that... Need a drink?
TROWA: *chews* *swallows* Mm, yeah. Please?
BRONZE: 'Kay. Why don't you take that over to the table and sit down, hmm? We've got the time...
TROWA: *around mouthful* mmmfnn...
BRONZE: *quietly sneaks out so as not to disturb the feeding Trowa*
CASSIMA: *sneaks out after Bronze* Geez, you blow up a kitchen once--
TROWA: *from the kitchen* Three times.
CASSIMA: ...three times, and there's just no forgiveness from some people! I'm telling you, it was all the stove! ...okay, and the microwave, but that was different.
BRONZE: um, yeah... if you say so...
CASSIMA: ^_^ See, I knew you'd see things my way. *sunny smile*
QUATRE: Give it up. No one believes you.
CASSIMA: *facevault* Ouch.
BRONZE: Oi, Quatre, play nice now, hmm?
CASSIMA: *leers* Yeah, Q, play--ow!
QUATRE: Don't you think you've said enough?
CASSIMA: No. *cough* Yes.
QUATRE: *sunny smile* I think we're going to be good friends.
CASSIMA: *narrows eyes* Sadistic little Zero-system castoff...
QUATRE: Hm?
CASSIMA: Nothing, just eating my foot. See? Yummy.
BRONZE: Um... Quatre. Pizza?
QUATRE: Really? *beams*
BRONZE: Yeah. Kitchen... Go now, before Trowa gets it all...
QUATRE: Eeep! *scuttles off*

**pause**

QUATRE: :*skids to stop* Before Trowa gets it all? *shakes head* Authors these days, can't keep their characters straight... Got to have meant Duo... *jogs away towards kitchen*
CASSIMA: *beams* Thanks, BT! *pause* Um, since Duo and 'Fei are almost done in the closet, do you think we have enough pizza for Trowa AND Duo, AND Wufei, AND Q? Or is it just hopeless?
QUATRE: *from the kitchen* You ate how many pizzas?
TROWA: ...
QUATRE: *audible blinking* You've got to be kidding.
CASSIMA: Ohboy.
BRONZE: Um... I don't think anyone better go in there right now... Q's gonna be so mad when he finds out Trowa hid the rest of the pizza in the oven...

**more silence from the closet**

DUO: This reminds me of the time we were trapped in the Oz prison together, and then they cut off the air. I thought I was going to die. Do you think we'll get out of here alive?
WUFEI: It's only a closet.
DUO: Only a closet? Only a closet?!
WUFEI: We could just turn the handle--
DUO: No! No, no, no, and again no! Weren't you listening earlier?
WUFEI: *sigh* I don't want to die in a closet, Duo.
DUO: We're not going to die, man! That's crazy, defeatist talk!
WUFEI: Maybe we should just give in to the inevitable!
DUO: *sound of a slap* Get a hold of yourself, man!
WUFEI: ...I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
DUO: It's getting to you. My god, this closet is contaminating us! We're doomed! Next, we'll be getting these tendencies, and then I'll have a hankering to buy a man-purse and drool over really expensive shoes, and then I'll have a lisp!
WUFEI: ...what are you talking about?
DUO: You know, wearing pink frills, getting all limp-wristed and swishy and... hey, where're you... I thought you weren't going to get up?
WUFEI: I'm getting out of the way before you get to the part about lipstick. That stuff tastes horrible, and I'm so not kissing you if you're going to put that on...
DUO: ...
WUFEI: Come on, Duo, do you seriously think being in a closet will cause you to start raiding Relena's wardrobe and makeup table? You'd look better in studded leather and biker chains, anyway.
DUO: *faintly* Oh, well. That's better then...
WUFEI: I cannot imagine you wearing pink, and if I must be stuck in a closet with you, you could at least retain your masculinity.
DUO: *suspiciously* You're not telling me you're planning to start wearing Quatre's shirts, now, are you?
WUFEI: Maxwell! Kisama!
DUO: Wha? *pause* *sniff* Wu... That hurt.
WUFEI: I'm sorry; I shouldn't be swearing at you. I'm just... a little tense, what with being stuck in here.
DUO: No, you called me 'Maxwell' again...
WUFEI: Oh. No, I am not planning on raiding Quatre's closet. Nothing in there would fit me, in the first place.
DUO: True; wouldn't fit over your shoulders, they're too wide, and you've got such nice muscles too...
WUFEI: *ahem* Now that we have the wardrobe issue settled?
DUO: Were you really gonna kiss me?
WUFEI: Obviously, this closet is getting to me worse than I thought. Get a grip, Duo. First pink frills, then kissing. What's next?
DUO: Wufei?
WUFEI: What now?!
DUO: ...That thing your hand is on?
WUFEI: ...It isn't a boot, is it?
DUO: No, it's not.
WUFEI: *exaggerated casualness* Well, then, I'll just be moving my hand, then, won't I.
DUO: *faintly* Thank you.
WUFEI: *cough* Um, removing it, that is.
DUO: *still faintly* Thank you.

**long pause**

DUO: What happened to us? *begins pounding on the door* I can't take this any longer! I can feel you turning off the air, you sadistic bitches!
WUFEI: Calm yourself, Duo! Duo!
DUO: Wufei, I can't take it...
WUFEI: We entered this closet of my own volition, and now we need to accept the consequences! They may have put the closet here, and opened the door, and made it look very inviting, and ribbed us until we ran in and shut the door... but I was the one that pulled you in kicking and screaming. If you're going to blame anyone, it should be me.
DUO: Damn it, Wufei...
WUFEI: I apologize, Duo. I got us into this mess, and I have no idea how to get us out. ...without outting us.

**long pause**

DUO: Wufei? I don't think you should worry about it so much. I mean, I think I was in the closet long before we - got in the closet.
WUFEI: That's the closet talking.
DUO: Maybe.
WUFEI: Maybe? What do you mean, "maybe"?
DUO: Nothing, Wu, just...
WUFEI: Well, were you or weren't you?
DUO: ...
WUFEI: Duo? Talk to me, Duo...
DUO: *mumblemumble*
WUFEI: A little louder, please?
DUO: Could you repeat the question?
WUFEI: *sigh* Were you, or were you not, 'in the closet' before you came in here with me?
DUO: Uh, Wu? We haven't come yet...
WUFEI: I'll get to that. Now, quit avoiding the question, Duo.
DUO: Well... promise you won't kill me.
WUFEI: I thought dealing death was your specialty, oh Shinigami?
DUO: Promise, Wufei, or I'm not telling.
WUFEI: All right; I won't kill you. Will that do?
DUO: Yes.
WUFEI: Hmm? I might have to do something a little less lethal if you don't answer the question, Duo.
DUO: I did, Wu, I did...
WUFEI: Oh. *pause* You were. I see...
DUO: I'm sorry!
WUFEI: Hush...
DUO: But only a little!
WUFEI: Duo -
DUO: I mean, there was an itty, bitty, really kinda pitiful and insignificant closet, but I thought I'd boarded it up and caulked it shut, and I tried to warn you, I said it was a bad idea, but no, you wouldn't have anything of it, and why can't you just listen when I tell you something's a bad idea, 'cause it's not like I'm just making it up and I know I said I didn't have a closet and oh, God, please don't kill me -
WUFEI: Hush.

**long pause**

DUO: Thank you for not killing me.
WUFEI: I keep my promises. Besides, it would be rather hypocritical to
kill you for your previous closeted status, not to mention messy.
DUO: ...oh. You jerk.
WUFEI: Ow! What was that for?
DUO: You made me think you thought it was disgusting!
WUFEI: You did the same thing!
DUO: Yeah, I did.
WUFEI: *makes a strange noise*
DUO: What was that, 'Fei? Oh, you say that's not a boot?
WUFEI: *strangled but affectionately* ...bastard.
DUO: See? It has laces... Well, a bow, anyway...
WUFEI: *more strange noises*
DUO: And... what have we here...?
WUFEI: What we're going to have here is a mess, Duo.
DUO: *too-innocently* Oh? really? And how would that happen?
WUFEI: Duo, you talk entirely too much. Why don't you put that mouth to better use?
DUO: Oh, blow me, Wu.
WUFEI: All in good time, Duo.
DUO: Oh, well, then...
WUFEI: *strangled groan*
DUO: *oddly distorted chuckle*
WUFEI: *heavy breathing*
DUO: *strange humming*
WUFEI: *more strangled noises*
DUO: ...
WUFEI: *heavy breathing* D...
DUO: ...
WUFEI: *strange whimper*
DUO: Hm?
WUFEI: D-Duo...
DUO: *more oddly distorted chuckling*
WUFEI: ...
DUO: So, how 'bout them Yankees?
WUFEI: Get over here, you bastard.
DUO: Oh...

**long pause marked by small indeterminate breathing and uffing and slithering sounds**

WUFEI: Ah, Duo? Maybe if you shifted over that way a little...
DUO: Here?
WUFEI: hhhaaa! Ah, yesss... yes, just like that...
DUO: heheh You liked that, did you?
WUFEI: Except for the part where I keep hitting my head on something...
DUO: Isn't me!
WUFEI: Stupid boots... Cˇ¦mere, you.
DUO: Waah! Hmmm.....

**a shorter pause, interspersed with rhythmic scrabbling noises**

DUO: Gah! My back! ...what's this umbrella doing in here?
WUFEI: ...perhaps the closet isn't the best place for this type of liaison.
DUO: Not the best place? *low growl* This is a hell of a time for second thoughts, Wu.
WUFEI: *gulp* Thoughts? Me?
DUO: *slurpy wet noise* You were thinking?
WUFEI: Uhhmmm! *thump* Gah...
DUO: This is hardly the time to change locales... I mean, we're already all...

BRONZE: Well, they might wanna find someplace more comfortable than a closet floor with assorted boots on it... ;)
CASSIMA: Okay, the lure will be pizza and a bed... Ah, but how to propose the lure...
BRONZE: Bang on the door? Offer to not look? Appeal to Wufei's sense of honour?
CASSIMA: ...How could we appeal to Wu's sense of honor? That's sounding like the best option at the moment.
BRONZE: *ponders*
CASSIMA: "Hey, Wu, it's more honorable to boink Duo in a bed than a closet. Plus we'll throw in a free pizza"?
BRONZE: Hmm... how bout something more along the lines of being polite enough to make sure Duo is comfortable?
CASSIMA: Okay, "Hey, Wu, be polite and boink Duo in a bed where it's more comfortable. Plus, we'll throw in a free pizza"? ...What if he says "screw comfortable!" and Duo says, "no, screw me," and they just stay in there? Maybe we should offer hot fudge, too.
BRONZE: *nods* but only after the pizza - they'll need to keep their strength up if they're going to be playing with their dessert... };)
CASSIMA: *g* So, when do we try to entice them out of there with the food?
BRONZE: Um... after they finish their, ah... appetizers in there? don't want to interrupt such a critical bonding moment, after all...
CASSIMA: *giggle* Well, since you insist.
BRONZE: *nodnod* It would be rude to interrupt them now, don't you think?
CASSIMA: Well, certainly disadvantageous, after all the work we did to put them in there for this very purpose to begin with.
BRONZE: *nodding*

WUFEI: *panting*
DUO: ...oh, do that again with... Mm...
WUFEI: *more panting*
DUO: *small, muffled whining noise*
WUFEI: *chuckling* Liked that, did you? *shuffling noises*
DUO: Uh, h... Oh! *more panting*

**muffled, rhythmic panting, whining, and slurping noises**

DUO: *panting* ooh, god, Wufe---EIIII!
WUFEI: *small choking/coughing noise* ...I win...
DUO: *affectionately* Bastard... *slurping noise*

CASSIMA: *pitiful glance towards the kitchen* I can't believe they insulted my cooking.
BRONZE: Well... I would be kinda worried about eating if I thought it were possible my food were about to explode in my face... er... then again... but, no, this is the kitchen, not the closet... ;)
TROWA: *cough*
BRONZE: You okay in there, pumpkin?
TROWA: The front closet?
CASSIMA: Yeah.
TROWA: The one that used to lead to the beans?
CASSIMA: Yeah.
TROWA: The one with the scratch on the door?
CASSIMA: We only have one, Tro.
TROWA: ...my favorite coat's in that closet. I don't want to know anything.
BRONZE: Um, well, if it's any consolation? I don't think they're anywhere near the coats, Tro... *hides snicker* Just as long as those aren't your boots in there...
TROWA: *pales* Oh, my good boots...
CASSIMA: Are you a praying man?
TROWA: I want my own closet.
CASSIMA: *cough*
TROWA: ...I didn't mean it like that.
CASSIMA: I know.
TROWA: *narrows his eyes* Ri-ight... Well, look at the time...
BRONZE: Well, they didn't have any sharp or pointy objects on them when they went in there *cough* (orwe'dhaveheardmorescreamingthanthat) *cough*... And, y'know, they're probably just about done with their, ah... discussion, so...
CASSIMA: *lifts an eyebrow* You don't think there were any "pointy objects" in there?
TROWA: *eyeing the door that BT and Cassima are blocking*
BRONZE: Well... if there were any "pointy objects" in there, they weren't sharp ones? *wicked grin*
CASSIMA: Heh, no, not sharp. Pretty blunt, actually. ^_^
BRONZE: heehee!

**more slurping noises**

WUFEI: umph! aaa..arooo...
Duo: *chuckle*
WUFEI: Eh! *panting*
DUO: You have wonderful ears.
WUFEI: D-Duo... *loud sigh* *panting*
DUO: Better?
WUFEI: ...I was wrong. You win.
DUO: *playfully* Now, now, I think we're both winners.
WUFEI: That was utterly tacky. C'mere.
DUO: *soft humming noise*
WUFEI: ...Duo?
DUO: Yeah?
WUFEI: What happens when we leave the closet?
DUO: What do you mean?
WUFEI: I mean, when we leave, do we go out and buy matching underwear?
DUO: ...Matching underwear?
WUFEI: That's not what I meant. What I meant was, are we going to do... couple-things together?
DUO: Kinda hard to do 'em separately, Wu.
WUFEI: You know what I mean!
DUO: Did you want to?
WUFEI: Well, not the underwear thing...
DUO: *phew* That's a relief, Wu-baby, 'cause... mmmph...
WUFEI: *chuckles* Do you see why I wondered?
DUO: Hmm. So you do want to...?
WUFEI: I guess what I meant was - how much of this *flapping noises* *thump* *growl* stupid walls...
DUO: Kiss it better?
WUFEI: *chuckles* *pause* I meant, how much of... of what just happened was because we were stuck in this closet together, and how much of it was, you know...
DUO: Hmm?
WUFEI: How much of it was about me?
DUO: I wouldn't have been in here if it weren't for you, you know...
WUFEI: Look, I already apologized for that, Duo.
DUO: And you still didn't explain why you felt you had to drag me in here with you, either...
WUFEI: Duo? Just answer the question already, hmm?
DUO: Already did, 'Fei, already did...
WUFEI: ...What was the question again?
DUO: Wufei!
WUFEI: *laughing* I can't think when you...
DUO: Good. No more thinking for you.
WUFEI: But...
DUO: Wufei. You have a very large brain. Often, I admire it. Right now, however...
WUFEI: But you said you're in here because... oh.
DUO: *chuckle* You're cute when you're cute, I'll give you that much.
WUFEI: Yes. Well.
DUO: You never did explain why my well-proportioned ass got dragged in here after you.
WUFEI: *quietly* Because when I'm with you, I don't feel so alone anymore.
DUO: Ah.

**contented silence**
**small rustling and shifting noises**
**purring sounds**
**contented sigh**
**short silence**

WUFEI: *chuckle* Duo, this is a whole new side to you.
DUO: Nah, I've always had it.
WUFEI: I've never had the chance to properly examine it before...
DUO: ...it's awfully dark in here, isn't it?

**silence**
**more silence**

BRONZE: ...I think they're just about done in there, don't you think?
CASSIMA: Stick a fork in 'em. They're done. *giggles* Wufei went "arooo"...
BRONZE: *heh* So he did...
CASSIMA: It's not over 'till the Wu howls like a dog?
BRONZE: *laughs* Something like that...
CASSIMA: *pouts* Wish we had video feed so we could check and make sure...
BRONZE: You wanna bang on the door or shall I?
CASSIMA: You can have the honors. *gracious gesture towards the closet*
BRONZE: Alrighty then. *rubs paws* *knock knock knock* Gentlemen? There is pizza available in the kitchen, whenever you should choose to avail yourselves of it - but it is going to get cold if you don't come out soon - and I am to inform you that the bed in the bedroom is completely free of boots, umbrellas, and other lumpy objects...

DUO: Oooh! Pizza?
WUFEI: Duo! Wait! You're not... I'm not... *thump* Ouch! Stupid... what is this thing anyway? I can't tell in the dark...
DUO: What, this, Wu-kun?
WUFEI: Eep! No, not... *whimper* Duo! Not that, this thing over here...
DUO: Dunno... Oh, wait, it's my... Um. *patting noises* Is there another one of those around there, Fei?
WUFEI: Let me look... And if you should happen to find my belt...
DUO: Belt? Is this your belt?
WUFEI: Who else would have a belt like that?
DUO: Well -
WUFEI: Who's currently in a closet with you, trying to sort his clothes from the ones that have been stored here.
DUO: Ah, since you put it that way... hold still.
WUFEI: Duo, I thought you wanted to eat...
DUO: I do! *bursts out of the closet* Okay, where's the pizza?
WUFEI: *frozen in the light, half-dressed and a bit disheveled*
BRONZE: *coughs* Ah, Duo? If you're going to go eat, you, ah, might want to give 'Fei there at least one of those shirts, no?
DUO: *pauses* Ah... *looks down at himself, blanches, and jumps back into the closet* 'Scuse me! *slams door behind himself*

**assorted rustling noises**

WUFEI: Baka... give me that, already...
DUO: Sorry!
WUFEI: And now what do you think they're going to be writing? You've been out and then came back in here again...
DUO: Ah... I couldn't just leave you in here by yourself, could I?
WUFEI: Not as long as I had your pants on, no, I suppose not.
DUO: I thought they felt kinda funny. Which overshirt was yours again?
WUFEI: We can sort those out in the light, no? Just let me... Duo, where's my elastic?
DUO: Oh, this? Here, let me...
WUFEI: What are you... oh... ooohhhhhhhhhhh...........
DUO: *heh* Liked that huh? Come on, pizza's getting cold. *opens door, a little more sedately, and attempts to look nonchalant while walking out*
WUFEI: *pats Duo's butt* Come on, less attitude more walking... I'm hungry, too, now...
DUO: *eeps* Walking, walking...
CASSIMA: Wufei?
WUFEI: *suddenly guarded* What?
CASSIMA: ...will you put on Duo's pants again?
WUFEI: Woman!
CASSIMA: *whining* But they looked so much better on you...
WUFEI: *grunt*
CASSIMA: ...we could take a vote...
DUO: Hands off, ladies...
BRONZE: But...
DUO: Yes, exactly. Hands off the butt, there. Eyes, too.
BRONZE: Oh, now, come on.
DUO: *looks over sharply*
CASSIMA: We're not allowed to look?? That's... that's just not right!
BRONZE: Do we have to remind you who got you in there in the first place?
DUO: *blinks*
WUFEI: Um, no. Did someone say something about food? I find myself... strangely hungry...
DUO: *whispering* WuFEI! Careful!
WUFEI: *whispering back* What? They saw you walking out in the wrong set of pants, Duo. Bad enough that we have both had to come out of there, now - with all that you say it implies...
DUO: *whispering* Oh, and now you doubt me?
WUFEI: *getting very close to Duo's ear* Are you really that upset with me now?
DUO: *small voice* Um... guess not. *regular voice* Pizza, kitchen, right?
BRONZE: If Trowa hasn't eaten it all...
DUO: *yelps and scurries off*
WUFEI: *yelps and is dragged off*
CASSIMA: *sigh* We should have done this sooner.

Epilogue

CASSIMA: Just came up with a positively baaaaaad title: "Closet Full of Boots". *ducks flying vegetables*
BRONZE: *smirk* um... no, somehow, I don't think so...
CASSIMA: *g* "The Boot-i-full Closet"?
BRONZE: hmm... "Conversations in a Closet" or, maybe "Don't Throw Me Into That Closet!" (a la B'rer Rabbit, perhaps?) Although I'm not sure this part is exactly a conversation... ;)
CASSIMA: "Closet Talk"? I'd go for "Don't Throw" (though it is kinda long for a title) before I'd go for "Conversations", if just because "conversations" implies more than one, and so far, they've only gone in once. *g*
BRONZE: er, well, yeah... too bad "In and Out"'s been taken... }:)
CASSIMA: *snerk* Yeah, that would've been a good one... Hm... "When Closets Attack!"
BRONZE: *choke* It didn't quite happen like that, did it? Ah! How 'bout, "No, Not the Closet!"?
CASSIMA: "Closet: Both Noun and Verb"? ...*g* "No, Not the Closet!" is okay, except only partially fitting. ...of course, we could always just go with the simple, "The Closet"...
BRONZE: *grins* I like that...
CASSIMA: Simple is always best, ne? *g*
BRONZE: *nodnod*

(end)

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