Author: Caroline
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: 1x2
Warnings!: LEMON!! angst, OOCness (for me anyway), semi-bastardized Duo, POV, lots o' bad language, not exactly PWP Extra Special
Warning!!: This fic changes verb tense. I know that switching verb tense in the middle of a story can be extremely annoying, but I did it anyway. You'll see why. ^_^;;
Spoilers: none
Comments: please
Disclaimers: someone outbid me on eBay for them so I don't own them. *le sigh*


He moves inside me so slowly. I lay on my back, watching him watch me from above. His eyes catch mine as he moves again. I claw at his arms, trying, urging him to move faster. But he doesn't. He won't. Again he moves, slow and steady, stoking the fire but not building it. Not yet. My head falls back. I close my eyes. I groan, even whimper. I can do nothing but feel.

I don't like it like this. I really don't. I'm not used to it. Fast and rough, that's what I want. That's what I need. But no matter how hard I beg, no matter how hard I cry, scream, curse… he won't listen to me. He ignores my words, giving me a sad kind of smile, and moves even slower.

He changes his angle slightly, hitting that spot deep inside that makes me see stars. I scream, clenching around him. He won't do it again. Never twice in a row. Never at set intervals. He does it, I suspect, to keep me from falling asleep in the middle - not that I ever would. Or maybe he does it to remind me he is in control, he sets the pace. I have no say in the matter. I yell at him to go faster, harder. He kisses me instead.

It's frustrating, this feeling of helplessness. You'd think I'd be used to it now. He's been this way ever since I seduced him into my bed. Or perhaps he seduced me. I'm still not too clear on that. I wanted him from the moment I laid eyes on him. But he was always so cold and aloof. I figured I'd have to resort to dirty tricks to get him into bed. Turns out it only took one 'trick'.

He nuzzles my neck, still moving as steady as a piston. I let my mind wander. I have to. If I concentrate on this slow, pleasurable torture he is putting me through, I will go mad. I have to keep my mind off it, have to stay sane or risk losing myself in him. And he knows it.

God but he is a sadistic bastard.

He continues pumping, bringing lips and hands into play every so often to tease my ultra-sensitive skin. I moan - I can't help not to - and he loves it. My body starts to tremble. I must take my mind off the pleasure he's making me feel. It would be so easy to drown in it otherwise…

As with every other time he's been inside of me, my mind turns to the past. Sex has always been a part of my life. Growing up on the streets of L2, you either got used to it or you became a soulless, mindless victim.

I refuse to be a victim.

When I was young - younger than I am now - sex was taken from me by force. I could have wound up like so many street kids - abused, broken, helpless. But I didn't. I guess I was made of sterner stuff. Whatever it was, I survived. I adapted.

I learned to like it.

It was the only way to keep your mind intact. Learn to like it, become good at it… so good that they didn't have a chance to hurt you. Fast, hard, and rough - get it over with quickly and maybe you didn't have to think about what you were doing too much. Give them the best fuck of their lives and perhaps they would forget about smacking you around - or worse. There are far worse things that could be done to you than a little beating. But if you got them off fast enough, they usually didn't have the energy to try those things on you.

I learned that lesson early on. I also learned that if you didn't want to end up a victim, you'd better damn well learn to enjoy it. Because then… if you liked it… then it didn't hurt so much.

Aaaaa, fuck! He hits that spot again. The world turns white for a moment as a jolt of pure pleasure washes through me. The here and now comes into focus once more and I find him smirking down at me.

"I was losing you," he says softly, surging into my body again. I grit my teeth.

"Please," I beg, lifting a leg to rub the sole of my foot across the smooth, creamy flesh of his perfectly round ass. I'm bendy that way. "Goddammit, Heero! Harder! I need it harder!"

He shakes his head as I knew he would and continues to piston slowly in… and out… in… and out… in… and out… Fuck! One of these days he really will drive me mad.

He almost succeeded the first time.

We were at one of the many schools we've hidden at in our tenure as 'terrorists'. God, how I hated being in those schools. Sure, the classes were interesting enough, but afterwards… it was just so boring. And you try being a horny teenager - excuse me, a gay horny teenager - stuck in a dorm room with one of the most magnificent specimens of the male species longer than a couple of hours and not go nuts. Anyone who could do that should be nominated for sainthood. And I am no saint. I had to get out, enjoy myself, live - if only for a little while.

Whenever I'm assigned to a new town for any length of time, I make it my priority to stake out my target, possible escape routes, and the local night life scene. And not always necessarily in that order. This time was no different. I got dressed up in the tightest, most revealing outfit I owned and still be legal to walk down the street. I waited until Heero was asleep, then snuck out the window.

I won't bore you with all the details of where I went or who I did. Suffice to say I wound up at one of those seedy clubs with an even seedier back room. I danced. I partied. I had too much to drink. You know how it is when you're young. I met some random guy on the dance floor and followed him into the back room. My body was aching from raw need at that point. I needed to feel. I needed someone - anyone - to fuck me. And I didn't care who.

He shoved me against the wall face first, fumbling with my pants, yanking them down to my knees. He unfastened his own jeans and popped his dick out. Bending me slightly, he rammed into my body without any preliminaries or preparation. It hurt.

It hurt so good.

He rode me hard and fast, bruising my hips as he clutched them, thrusting in and out so deeply I had to brace myself against the wall. He moved so fast I barely had time to feel him. My body was pressed against the cold wall. I could hear my own screams as he fucked me harder and faster and…

"Goddammit Heero, why can't you move faster?"

"No," he answers me softly. I hadn't been aware I'd said that out loud. "You need to learn."

Heero Yuy and his fucking lessons.

Heh. Fucking lessons. I made a funny.

Where was I? Oh yeah, at the - ah, God! - club. I really will kill Heero one of these days, I swear.

The guy came inside of me finally. I had already reached my own climax long before - quick and sweet remember? The guy pulled out and I pulled my clothes back into place, ready to go back out to the dance floor and find another 'partner'. But Mr. Nameless apparently had other ideas. I'd misread him, a dangerous thing in my profession. I had thought he was just another faceless fuck, but he seemed to think I belonged to him now.

I don't belong to anyone.

He tagged me all night, watching my every move. When I started to flirt with some other guy, he yanked me away and began dragging me to the door. I yelled at him. He hit me.

I don't like being hit. Especially on my face. Most especially by some drunk, angry bastard who smelled of cheap beer and cigarette smoke. I clobbered him, breaking his jaw with one punch, sending him flying unconscious to the floor. I left shortly thereafter, not wanting to stick around in case someone called the cops. Damnit. And the night was still young. But suddenly, I felt tired. Very tired and angry with myself. I knew what I was doing to myself, going to these clubs. I knew it but I didn't want to face it. I was slowly killing myself. But I couldn't stop… no matter how much I might have wanted to.

I walked back to the school with a bruised face and an overburdened soul. All I wanted to do was get back to my room, crawl between my sheets, and dream of never having been born. But fate denied me even that small request.

Heero was waiting for me.

He nearly startled me out of my skin. He turned on the light just as I was climbing back in the window. I was so surprised I tripped on the window sill and fell flat on my ass. As I rubbed my tender and probably bruised posterior, I sensed a figure standing above me. Looking up, I saw Heero staring down at me with an unreadable expression on his face. What a sight I must have made - sprawled on the floor, clothes askew and rumpled, hair disheveled, reeking of smoke and sex. There was no way I was going to get out of this one. I scowled at him, silently daring him to tell me off for sneaking out past curfew and possibly endangering the mission.

He didn't. Instead he knelt down in front of me and reached out a hand to cup my cheek, gently running the pad of his thumb over the bruise forming on my face. He looked at me with such sad eyes and said only one word.


"Because I was fucking bored, Yuy," I snapped. "And don't start with me about compromising the mission. I was careful. Real careful. I just wanted to have a little fun, okay?"

Boy, I can be hostile when I'm cranky.

I expected Heero to give me a lecture on blowing my cover. People think he never talks much. Man, is that ever a misconception. It's not that he doesn't talk much, it's just that he doesn't talk often. There's a big difference. When he does talk - let me tell you it can be pretty unpleasant. I've been subjected to several of his lectures about responsibility. It wasn't pretty. I was fully expecting another one.

I really should learn to expect the unexpected.

"Baka," he said almost tenderly. What? Heero tender? "I meant why do you let them use you like this?"

I blinked. I didn't know what to say. Someone call Rome. A miracle had just occurred. Ladies and gentlemen, Duo Maxwell had just been rendered speechless.

Shocking, I know.

I stared at him, gaping like a large-mouth bass. Of all the things he could have said, that was not what I would ever have imagined. He knew. He fucking knew what I did when I snuck out after lights out. Had he followed me or just deduced it from my behavior? Did it matter? He knew.

Sad eyes waited patiently for an answer. Sad eyes, but not pity eyes. I jerked my head away from his touch, not wanting to see him looking at me with those sad eyes.

"I… I don't think it is any of your business, Yuy," I stammered, trying to ignore his close proximity. Even when preparing to get reamed (and not in a good way), I was still aware of how very close he was. I caught whiff of his scent which sent my head reeling. I took in a deep breath and tried to ignore how very near to me he was. It was easier said than done. I'd been trying to get this close to Heero for a while, and now suddenly, here he was and it wasn't on my terms.

"Why do you let them use you then toss you away like that?" he asked again, moving even closer.

I stiffened, again not in the good way. "I don't see why you care," I spat.

His hand came up again and pulled my head around so I was forced to look at him.

"I care." His thumb brushed over my lips which parted at the unexpected move. His face moved closer. I trembled. "No one has ever taught you love have they?"

"Once," I whispered, so surprised by the question I answered without thinking. "Once, a long time ago. But I wasn't strong enough to hold onto them."

His eyes looked at me in understanding. Time seemed to stand still for a moment, a hundred years… I had no idea how long.

He kissed me then. The move startled me so much I stopped breathing. The kiss was anything but chaste, but it was so slow, so deliberate, so gentle that my head swam with the sensation of his lips on mine. I was sure I was dreaming. I had hit my head when I fell in the window and now I was dreaming. That's what it was. Nope, it couldn't be real. Heero couldn't be kissing me.

He drew away and I swear my soul cried out at the loss. He slipped his arms around my body, cradling me close. "I was once told to follow my emotions," he said. "For a while I tried to fight it. But I couldn't, not forever. Not after I'd met you."

"H… Heero?" I stuttered, my head still reeling from the taste of him, musky and sweet. "What… why… what are you saying?"

"I want to help you follow your emotions, Duo."

I snorted at that. "I have no problem following my emotions in case you've forgotten," I said, gesturing at the window I'd just climbed into.

Heero shook his head. "No. You are hiding from them, as did I. You just wear a different mask than I do to hide them." He buried his fingers into my hair which was coming loose from its braid. "I want to show you how it's supposed to be, Duo. I want to show you love."

"L…love?" I choked.

"I've been watching you. It's the one thing you need most of all." He kissed me again. I felt dizzy as all the blood in my body rushed… elsewhere. He drew back to look into my eyes. "Will you let me show you?"

I hesitated. Can you believe that? Me - poster child for gratuitous, anonymous sex actually hesitated. I had been trying to get Heero into my bed for months, and now he was asking me into his and I fucking hesitated.

I was scared.

Scared - scared of what he wanted, scared of what I might become if I let him. But his eyes, his brilliant cobalt eyes told me not to be afraid, to trust him. I swallowed once and nodded.


Most of that evening is still a hazy blur. I think all the raw emotion I experienced that night fried a few of my brain cells. I remember Heero helping me stand and moving me over near the bed. Still standing, he slowly undressed me, taking time to caress and kiss every inch of skin as it was bared. I had no idea how long he took just to get my clothes off. By the time the last piece had been removed I was already dizzy with pleasure. I do know that by the time he finished undressing me, if it'd been anyone else, I'd have already been fucked and would have had my clothes back on - if I'd even taken the time to remove them in the first place. I usually don't get fully naked with a guy if I don't have to. I usually don't do a lot of things with a guy if I didn't have to. Heero made me forget all my "usually"s.

My head spinning with desire, I found myself lying on my back on one of the beds - I forget whose - staring up at Heero. Somewhere along the line his clothes had magically vanished. Through hazy eyes I looked at his body and gaped. I remember how I'd wondered for a moment if the theory of spandex space was actually true. There was no way he'd managed to hide something that size in that skin tight material he always wore. But there it was - and it was glorious. I could actually feel my whole body salivating. Heero was big - not freakishly so… I had seen a few of those in my time - but he was pleasantly better than average. My body had tightened immediately, wanting nothing more than for him to drive that big piece of meat into my body and…

Nnnnngh! Shit shit shit! My memories fade as my body rocks with a pure white jolt of pleasure. The present crashes over me as Heero hits my prostate three times in succession, something he's never done before. Sadistic bastard! I'm panting, I know I am. I can hear myself.

Heero isn't even breathing hard. I know he's exerting himself, both our bodies are covered in a fine sheen of sweat. He's smirking down at me, hips rocking against mine in his endless, steady rhythm. I swear to God he finds joy in tormenting me.

"You were drifting again," he says before taking one of my nipples into his mouth.

The sensation goes straight to my groin, one place in which I don't need any more stimulation. It's not enough to make me come but it's enough to drive me just a little more insane. Heero knows how to play my body well. He's always known. Damn him.

I bury my fingers in his hair, one of the few things he allows me to do with my hands. As long as I don't try to touch myself or try to make him move faster, I can do whatever I want with my hands. I wish that he would just give up his superhuman control for just one goddamn minute and pound me into the mattress like I want him too. But no. He won't. He didn't give in the first time, or the time after that or the time after that… and I have no reason to believe he'd do it now.

With Heero's mouth occupied, playing my body like a finely tuned violin - Jesus, I've turned into a fucking poet - I allow myself to sink back into my memories, knowing that we still have a long time until he'll finally let us come.