Now where was I? Oh yeah,
pretty much the same position I'm in now. After gaping at Heero's ruggedly
beautiful body, he moved to lay on top of me. I eagerly made room for
him between my legs, anxious to feel his weight pressed down on top of
me, skin sliding against skin. He held himself above me, not touching,
simply looking. I squirmed under his gaze, yearning to touch him, for
him to touch me. But he didn't.
"Heero," I whined, reaching out to him. He grabbed my hands and pulled
us both up into a sitting position, him on his knees between my legs.
He reached behind me and grabbed my braid, bringing it to the front. He
moved to take off the band that held my braid together but I grabbed his
hand, stopping him.
He looked back up at me. "Please."
I held Heero's hand still on my braid, suddenly afraid. I'd never let
my hair down in front of anyone. I didn't even like people touching it.
I once snapped a guy's wrist for grabbing it. But Heero's expression was
so… soft, so caring. I'd have moved heaven and earth for him at that moment.
Letting him unbraid my hair seemed like a trivial thing. I removed my
hand. He slipped the elastic band off and shook my hair out until it cascaded
over my shoulders in silky waves…
What? So I take great pride in my hair. So sue me.
He laid me back down and stretched out over me. That first touch of skin
against skin was nothing short of electrifying. I could feel his cock
pulsing next to my own erection. I bucked my hips, moaning his name in
an effort to get him inside me. I was burning from the inside out. I felt
empty. I needed him to fill me up, make me… whole.
But he didn't move. Not at first anyway. He held my hips down with his
own and trapped my hands above my head. I struggled. I didn't like being
"No, Duo," he said in that low, soft bedroom voice I'd eventually get
to know really well. "No one's ever taken the time to love you. You've
never let them. I'm going to show you."
"Why?" I asked, trembling as though afraid of the answer.
"You're in danger of losing yourself behind the mask you wear," he explained.
"You hide behind your words and your self-destructive actions."
"Hey, I'm not the one with the predisposition for self-destructing," I
said, annoyed that we were actually having a conversation while he was
lying naked on top of me. I tried to thrust against him but he was stronger
"Listen to me, Duo. I've been watching you. You keep your emotions - your
true emotions - bottled up inside of you. Pretty soon the pressure will
become so great that it will destroy you. I don't want to see that happen."
"What's it to you?" I snapped, turning my head. "We're soldiers. We're
expendable. So what if I destroy myself? No one would miss me. I'm just
a street kid from L2. I'm worthless…"
He silenced me with a kiss. "Not you. Never you," he said after he drew
back. He kissed my neck, the hollow of my throat. "I'm going to show you
that you aren't worthless, that you can be loved, that it's okay to let
go of your mask."
I was confused. "You mean you aren't going to fuck me?"
"No." He moved his hips at last, causing me to gasp. "I'm going to make
love to you."
"What's the difference?"
"I'll show you."
And he did. He explored my body with hands and mouth, leaving no nook
or cranny untouched or untasted. For a long, very long time he simply
touched me, learning my body's responses. I writhed beneath him, trying
to urge him on, to go faster, to fuck me already. But he wouldn't. He
wouldn't let me touch myself either. He threatened to tie my hands to
the headboard if I did. And since I don't do the bondage thing, I bit
my lip and obeyed.
I thought I would finally be allowed release when he took me into his
mouth, but no. He knew all the tricks to keep me hovering just on the
edge of release without pushing me over. I've often wondered where he
learned those tricks. Surely it couldn't have been part of his training?
He's never told me. Then again, I've never asked. Contrary to popular
belief, I don't pry into people's personal lives. I'll take whatever they
want to tell me, but I don't ask questions.
By the time he lifted my legs over his shoulders, I was almost delirious
with need. The world had condensed to just the two of us. Had he been
an OZ official, I would have spilled all my secrets just to get him to
go ahead and fuck me. I couldn't put together a cohesive sentence. All
I could manage were monosyllabic words and Heero's name. I had the vague
impression of Heero smearing something cool and slippery over my entrance,
though where he got the lube I still don't know. I didn't have any. I
rarely used it. I liked it rough.
But with Heero it was pure gentleness. The boy had killed hundreds of
people, some with his bare hands, but he touched me as though I was made
of glass. I could feel the tip of his cock at my entrance. I tried to
thrust down onto him, but he drew back. He had his fingers buried in my
hair and his mouth was plundering my own, our tongues moving in a lazy
I wanted him inside me, needed him to fill me, split me in two. I cursed,
I whimpered, I called him names, I even begged. But he held himself just
out of my reach. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I don't
cry, but that's how frustrated I was.
"Please," I pleaded one more time, eyes begging for him to complete our
"Please what?" he asked, nudging my entrance again.
"Aaahh… just ram your dick inside of me and fuck me!" I half-screamed,
crazy with desire.
"No, Duo. I will not fuck you."
"But…" I began, suddenly fearful he would end it.
"I won't fuck you. I will make love to you - if you ask."
I choked down a sob. I wasn't sure I could do it. "Please. Please m… m…
make l…l…" I swallowed and tried again. "Please, Heero. Make l…" Tears
began creeping out of my eyes. I couldn't say it.
Heero brushed aside a tear with his thumb, and looked down at me for a
long moment. "Forgive me," he said at last, just when I thought he was
going to pull away. "Perhaps I expected too much from you this first time.
It is enough for now that you allow me to show you."
He pushed inside of me with one slow, steady motion. I threw my head back.
I think I closed my eyes. I know I screamed. Even though I had already
been fucked once that night, I was still tight. It felt as though Heero
was tearing me in two, yet there was no pain, only pure sensation. He
pressed on and on until at last he was fully sheathed inside of me.
And then he stopped.
I cried out in frustration. Heero was inside of me, filling me. I felt
complete, whole, and I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted Heero to
move, wanted him to fuck me over and over, to use me like everyone else
in my life had. I couldn't stand this feeling gnawing at my heart. Why
was he doing this? Why was he making me feel so loved, so… cherished?
I didn't want to be loved, didn't deserve to be cherished. I was nothing,
a nobody from L2. And Heero was…
Heero was everything.
Suddenly I was angry. He had no right making me feel that way. Was he
toying with me? Fucking with me? I may let people fuck me, but no one
fucks with me. I went a little crazy then, struggling beneath him.
I pushed at his shoulders to try and get him off me. I screamed at him,
called him some more names. I raked my fingernails across his back. I
think I drew blood. I insulted his manhood and his parentage. I kicked
at him, hit him. But none of that even phased him. He remained the stoic
Perfect fucking Soldier through it all, still buried deep inside of me.
He held himself still while I raged, holding my body down with his own.
He didn't even blink when I hit him in the face. I find that ironic now,
that the next morning we both sported matching bruises. He let me rant
and rave below him, not saying a word, until I collapsed against the mattress
in exhaustion, tears finally streaming down my face. He bent his head
to kiss away the tears before claiming my mouth.
And then… he moved.
With that first thrust, I knew I was in trouble. The stroke was slow and
deliberate. I could feel every inch of him as he withdrew, then plunged
back inside. My body responded on instinct. My back arched; I cried out.
He moved in long, even strokes, so careful not to hurt me.
I'd never been taken like that. Not once in my pathetic fifteen years
had anyone moved that slowly inside of me. My mind couldn't handle it.
It all but shut down, too overwhelmed by what Heero was doing to me.
I let him do what he wanted with me. I didn't have the will to fight him
anymore. I was dimly aware of begging, at least until my brain couldn't
form words anymore. I pleaded with him to go faster, harder, to end it.
But he wouldn't. Again and again he filled me, hitting my sweet spot every
once and a while to keep me close, to make me scream. And scream I did,
long and loud as he worked me. I'm surprised we didn't wake any of our
Hours passed, or at least it seemed like they did though I have no conscious
memory of ever looking at a clock. The first rays of dawn were peeking
in through the blinds towards the end. I'm amazed I even remember that
much, my mind and body reduced to a quivering mass of jello at that point.
I think I was crying again. I could hear myself sobbing. By then I had
lost my sight - the world had devolved. There was no form or substance.
Only colors and light and the feel of Heero moving inside me. Heero whispered
into my ear, though I couldn't make out what he was saying. I was lost,
yet in his arms I was found at the same time.
He thrust into me again. I whimpered. I felt his hand move between our
bodies, felt him wrap his fingers around my dick… and that was it. The
feel of his hand around me was the breaking point. I opened my mouth but
no sound came out. My eyes were open wide, yet I could see nothing. I
came harder and longer than I ever had before. Wave upon wave of pure
electrical pleasure crashed over me, threatening to drag me down. I squeezed
Heero from within as I came, my muscles spasming with the intensity of
my climax. I heard him cry my name as I felt his release. Feeling him
fill me with his burning hot seed caused me to climax again. I came twice
within seconds of each other! That had never happened to me before - and
it has never happened since, something to which I am really grateful.
The force of my second climax was too powerful. As Heero collapsed on
top of me, I promptly passed out.
A voice is calling to me from a distance. "Duo? Duo?"
I open my eyes slowly. It's getting hard to see. Hell, it's getting hard
to think. I open my eyes all the way to see Heero gazing down at me.
"Are you with me, Duo?" he asks, still thrusting steadily.
"Uh-huh," I mumble, barely hearing him. I turn my head to the side, too
numb to do much else. He bends down to bite gently at my throat. I like
it when he marks me, but he does it so softly that it always fades within
Lazily I move my eyes to the clock. Fuck. We've been at this for four
hours now. He's been inside of me for more than an hour I think. I'm not
sure. Thinking isn't high on my list of priorities at the moment. My last
thought before I lose my grip on reality again is that I'm glad we don't
have class tomorrow. It'll be dawn again before he's done.
The pink and gold rays of dawn streaming through the cracks in the blinds
was the first thing I saw when I woke up after that first night together.
I blinked, a little confused as to where I was and what had happened.
Then I felt an arm around my waist. Heero was spooned up behind me, holding
me close. I went absolutely still. I had never woken up next to anyone
before. Whenever I had been with someone in the past, one of us had always
left immediately after we were through.
Heero had stayed.
He must have sensed I was conscious again. He squeezed me and kissed the
back of my neck. "Awake now, koi?"
Koi. Love. I burst into tears, silently damning him for making me this
way. He rolled me onto my back and raised on up one elbow to look down
"What's wrong, Duo?"
"Why?" I sobbed, not understanding at all what he was doing to me.
"Because I love you."
His answer was so immediate, so final, I could only gape at him. My eyes
were open so wide I'm sure I looked ridiculous. "Wh…what? Why?"
"How could I not?" For the first time, he looked uncomfortable. "I know
you think I have all the answers, but for once, I don't. I can't explain
it. All I know is I love you. I have for a while, and nothing you do can
make me stop."
I choked back a sob, then moved, trying to get out of the bed. He grabbed
me around my waist and pulled me back down against him.
"Shh, Duo. I didn't mean to upset you."
"Well you did, you bastard," I cried, still trying to get away. "You have
no right to love me!"
I collapsed against him, crying. Fucking shit. I hadn't cried since the
church… Now Heero had me sobbing like a little girl with three little
"You can't love me," I sobbed. "I can't let you."
"Why?" Damn, but he was always a persistent son of a bitch.
"You just fucking can't! You're better off without me. Please, please
don't love me."
"Tell me why."
"Because," I hiccuped, "because you'll die too."
I sucked in my breath. I couldn't believe I had just said that.
I'd never admitted it to myself, yet I knew it was true. I was Shinigami.
Anyone who loved me died. I couldn't let Heero love me. He'd die too.
And I… and I… I swallowed. I couldn't even think it. I wasn't ready to
He tightened his arms around me. "I can't promise you I won't die," he
said. I made a little sound of protest, but he placed a finger over my
mouth to silence me. "We're soldiers fighting a war. Death is always a
possibility. But even if I do get killed in battle, it won't be because
I love you. It will be because I screwed up or someone got lucky. I'll
go to my death happy with the knowledge I found someone to love in this
hell of a life."
"I love you, Duo Maxwell. I should have said it sooner, but I was afraid."
I stared at him. Heero? Afraid? "But then I saw what you were doing to
yourself and decided to confront my fears. I had to let you know how I
felt before you destroyed yourself. I had to save you. I love you."
I let him hold me, stroke my hair. I lay in his arms, too scared to say
anything. I think he knew I couldn't answer him. And he seemed content
to just be there with me. My mind was racing, but somehow, being held
by Heero, even with all he had just said to me, I managed to fall asleep.
And for once, I didn't have nightmares.
The next day he didn't say anything about his admission or about sleeping
with me. We went about our daily routine, made plans on how to tackle
our current mission, the usual. The silence was killing me. But at the
same time I was glad we weren't talking about it. I didn't think I could,
not yet. But he could have at least said something.
He could have at least kissed me good morning.
As the day wore on, I grew increasingly angry. He was deliberately ignoring
me. Had he said all those pretty words just to get into my pants? He needn't
have bothered. I would have let him fuck me. His nonchalant attitude hurt.
By the time night fell again, he hadn't said more than a handful of words
to me. I got dressed up and went out again, this time making sure Heero
saw me leave. He had hurt me, and I wanted to do the same to him.
I went back to the nightclub I had visited the night before. But as soon
as I walked in, I knew it wasn't the same. The music didn't excite me,
the drinks did nothing but make me more depressed. Several really gorgeous
men hit on me, but for some strange reason I turned them all down. I was
pissed. Heero had ruined it for me.
I stormed back to the dorms, ready to give my partner hell for what I
felt was destroying my life. I couldn't think straight anymore. I couldn't
get Heero out of my mind. I'd always been able to hide from my past. But
I found I couldn't run from the memories of the previous night, couldn't
hide from what Heero was doing to me.
He was waiting for me again. I expected him to be angry, but he was quietly
sitting on his bed waiting for me to return. I stormed into the room and
stood in front of him, looking down at him angrily.
"Welcome home," he said simply, standing up to face me.
I moved forward and pounded on his shoulders with my fists. "You bastard!"
I cried. I could feel tears forming in my eyes again. "What have you done
"I've done nothing but love you," he replied, grabbing my wrists to draw
I made a strangled sound in the back of my throat. "No! You're messing
with my head. I can't think. God, you're making me crazy!" I sobbed and
half-collapsed against him, resting my forehead on Heero's shoulder. "You
can't do this," I continued weakly. "You can't just make me feel something
I don't want to feel. You can't love me. Please don't love me."
He reached up and tilted my head backwards. "You ask the one thing I cannot
do." He bent his head and kissed me, swallowing the low cry of denial
I let out as I realized my words were futile. He pulled back and wiped
away my tears with one hand as he pulled me to his bed with the other.
"I love you, Duo. And I'm going to keep showing you how to love back until
you understand that I am sincere and that nothing you do will ever make
me stop loving you."
He toppled me onto the bed then and began a repeat of the previous night's
performance. Again I fought with him the whole night as if trying to goad
him into acting like all the other faceless men I'd had in my life. If
he did, then I would know he was lying and that he really didn't love
And if he didn't love me… maybe then he would be safe.
But as you can imagine, he didn't. He made lo… damn, I still can't say
it. He moved over me all night long, bringing me to the same glorious
heights as the night before. When it was at last finally over, he wrapped
me in his arms and drew up the covers. He whispered into my ear that he
loved me, then tucked my head under his chin and closed his eyes.
I lay awake for a long time after, troubled that I felt so safe in his
arms. And I knew in that moment my life had been changed forever.
We were at that school for another month. During that time I tested him
in every way possible, pushed him past breaking points that any other
normal man would have long since crumbled at. I was rude to him, I hit
him… I even cheated on him. Only once - that little plan backfired on
me. I spent the day afterwards throwing up and begging for Heero to forgive
me. I'd only wanted to hurt him, to see if he could be driven away. But
he was right. Nothing I could do would make him angry at me. All he did
was get this sad look on his face and open his arms to me.
We didn't have sex every night. Jesus, we'd have been zombies every morning
if we had. He only had sex with me when I'd had a particularly nasty day
towards him, as if he was trying to reinforce his love to me.
Gradually I stopped a lot of my erratic and destructive behavior. Not
all of it of course. I'm still too unsure about Heero to get rid of all
my bad habits. I still push him, but not nearly as badly as before. He's
so unbelievably patient with me. I'm still coming to terms with all these
new feelings I have. I don't like them, but Heero is there every step
of the way to help me understand them. Others see him as cold and distant,
but Heero is the most emotional person I know…
"Koi," he whispers into my ear. "Come back to me, koi."
"Heero," I murmur, licking my suddenly dry lips. He places his mouth on
mine and - oh God! I gasp as he adjusts his thrusting again, allowing
him access to my mouth. He slips his tongue inside, moistening my lips
for me. He drinks of me long and deep before moving downward. He takes
a little time to play his tongue around my nipples before moving lower.
I clench the bed sheets in my hands as I arch my body into his touch.
I know what's coming next. My body tenses in anticipation. My torment
is about to end.
He shifts our bodies so that he is now kneeling on the bed, my lower body
resting on his knees. He still moves with an inexorable slowness inside
me as he bends his body almost in half to take the tip of my cock into
Heero's very bendy that way too.
I let out a low, keening wail as he suckles me. He hits my sweet spot
at the same moment. My body shakes. The white hot coiling sensation that
had been steadily building in my lower body for hours is suddenly released
as I spend myself into Heero's waiting mouth. Thousands of colored lights
dance before my eyes, but through it all I can see Heero's eyes staring
down at me with such tenderness and love. I clench around him, determined
to make him soar with me.
He throws his head back, eyes squeezed tightly shut as he screams my name.
I feel him release his seed inside of me. I squeeze him again from within
as I shudder from the force of his orgasm. Over and over he floods me
until at last he drops like a stone on top of me, completely spent.
We lay there for I don't know how long until he gathers enough energy
to move to the side, pulling out of me carefully. He's always so careful
not to hurt me. He wraps me in his long arms, pulling me close. I tremble.
I know what he's going to say.
"I love you, Duo."
"I… I know," I reply, trying again to keep the tears at bay. He kisses
my forehead and settles back, knowing better than to expect any other
reply. Damnit, why does he do that? Why doesn't he demand a reply from
me? Why is he so accepting of the fact that I cannot say I love him back?
It's enough to make me cry. It's enough to make me love him as well.
I snuggle up next to him. I can't say it yet. I still have a lot of shit
to work through. But he has vowed to be there with me every step of the
way. Someday… someday maybe I'll be able to love him back. And I think
he knows this. That's why he's content to simply be able to love me now
and hold me in his arms at night. And I'll let him. He's changing me,
little by little. And I've decided that's not a bad thing, even if I am
still terrified of him dying on me.
He's so warm. I can hear his heart beating underneath my ear. I feel safer
in his arms than I ever have before. I know I'll fall asleep soon. And
I know that the nightmares will stay away. I'm scared, but in his arms,
nothing can touch me. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm cherished.
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