A Gundam Wing Production of Snow White + Act 1

Author: Dacia
Category: parody, yaoi, lemon
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: extreme fluff, self-insertion
Disclaimer: I do not own GW. Duh.
Notes: What can I say? I had to do it.
Feedback: cries, weeps, *begs* for C/C

This is dedicated to Poe *sob*, who I barely knew and yet still miss terribly, to Aya Takeyama at Kanjistep (for help with my Japanese!), and to Artemis -- my honey bunny and lemon pusher.

{ } -- designates actions and stage directions
[ ] -- author's comments

A not so long time ago in a city near you ...

The sun sets on a crowd of people waiting to enter the city's gaudiest, if not largest, theatre. Intrigued, you move closer. The sign, you notice with a heartbeat that's tripping its way merrily to the very crown of your head, reads "A GW production of Snow White -- no one under 18 admitted". Being a confirmed GW addict (Hello. My name is *insert name here* and I'm a Gundam Wing-aholic), not to mention a closet Snow White fan, you pay the ridiculous price of $2.13 for a ticket, do your very best to look over 18, and join the throng as it slowly makes its way into the darkened venue ...

Cast:

Stage manager -- Dacia
Stage hand -- Howard
Narrator -- Quatre Rebarbe Winner
Snow White -- Duo Maxwell
Prince Charming -- Zechs Marquise
Evil Queen -- Dorothy
Magic Mirror -- Treize Kushrenada
Huntsman -- Heero Yuy
Dwarfs:
Tro-chan -- Trowa Barton
Wu-chan -- Chang Wufei
Lu-chan -- Lucrezia Noin
Po-chan -- Sally Po
Ty-chan -- Tyler Desjardins, aka Artemis
Audience members:
Poe
Lyssira

+

(Backstage)

Dacia: {Peers out through curtains, noting with some satisfaction that the small hall is packed.}

Wufei: {At her side, makes a startling discovery.} Where are all the children?

Dacia: Children?!

Wufei: We are enacting Snow White, are we not? To my knowledge, this is a children's story.

Dacia: [Chuckles in disbelief.} Take another look, Wu.

Wufei: {Looks again -- begins to sputter.} They're all hentai! How could you! I only agreed to do this because I thought you would be honorable this time!!

Dacia: Take a pill, little dragon. Look -- there's Treize. {Smiles as Wu takes off in the direction she had pointed faster than you could say 'knife'.} Sometimes it's just so easy.

Duo: Ummm, Dacia?

Dacia: {Looks to Duo and tries very, very hard not to chuckle.} Yes?

Duo: About this costume ...

Dacia: Don't look at me. *Innocent eyes* Quatre picked out all the costumes.

Duo: Quatre?!!

Dacia: With Heero's help.

Duo: Meep!

Dacia: You look fine. {Licks lips in appreciation.} [Heh, heh.] Now, get your cute little Snow White self on stage. {Checks watch.} Yo, Howard! We all set up for act 1?

Howard: You better believe it. {Leverages final piece of the set into place wondering all the while if he really *needed* to have used Gundanium.}

Dacia: Then let's hit it!

[ Act 1, Scene 1 ]

Red plush velvet curtains rise on a very shiny and, if truth be know, virtually indestructible facsimile of a stereotypical castle complete with studied buttresses and standards of a golden lion rampant in a field of green. A spotlight brightens the left corner of the stage where Quatre, dressed in an outfit that would do justice to any merry man, sits on a high stool.

Quatre: {Picks up stylized version of a story book and begins to “read” without further ado.} Once upon a time, in a land very different than our own, there lived a beautiful princess named Snow White. Snow White's mother had been a surpassingly lovely and kind woman who's only dream had been to have a child with skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood, and hair as black as night. True to the mercurial nature of fairy tale lands, she was granted her wish at the cost of her own life. {Wipes tear from eye.}

Audience: Awww

Quatre: In time, the good King remarried. He took as his bride a woman whose beauty outshone the stars but paled in comparison with her vanity. The Queen brought with her many possessions which she had placed in a high tower where no one but herself ever set foot. Prized most of all was her magic mirror which could say nothing but the truth. {Lights come up on stage.}

Dorothy: {Seen sitting in a small room surrounded by sparkling jewels. She is ravishing, although her eyebrows had proven to be particularly unruly this evening. On the wall behind her is an ornate mirror.} Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who in this land is the fairest of all?

Treize: {Appears in mirror attired in little more than a smile. Luckily, or not (depending on your point of view), the mirror's edge cuts him off mid-sternum.} Thou, o Queen, are the fairest of all. {He winks and disappears.}

Dorothy: {Looks wonderfully pleased. Smiles. Hopes like hell she's setting the right mood.}

(in audience)

Poe: I thought I heard somewhere that Relena was supposed to play the Queen.

Lyssira: She'd never work with Dacia again! Not after Rapunzel!

(on stage)

Quatre: As the years passed, Snow White grew to be more and more beautiful. By the time she was 15, she was not only lovelier than the day and the night, but far more lovely than the Queen as well. {Yet again directs attention to stage where, through a window, Duo is seen. His costume is definitely recognizable as Snow White's, although in a trashy lingerie kind of way. Heero's influence is seen in the white knee socks and patent leather mary janes.}

Audience: {Appreciative catcalls and whistles, one or two sympathetic blushes.}

Duo: *Grumbling* Someone's gonna pay for this. {His grin, however, never falters since he realizes that, however much he might have balked at this whole idea, he looked *damned* good.}

Quatre: Then, one day ...

Dorothy: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who in this land is the fairest of all?

Treize: *Snorts* Sorry to disappoint you, dear, but that sweet thing over there's got it all over you! {Growls in Duo's general direction.}

Dorothy: {Sudden understanding dawns -- Treize meant it.} What do you mean?! How could you possibly think that that ... little boy is more beautiful that I am?!

Treize: What can I say? It's a hormonal thing. {Disappears.}

Dorothy: Well, we'll just see about that. Huntsman! Huntsman!!! {Realizing that she was still sitting in the tower into which no one but she ever set foot, she hurries out to the courtyard.} HUNTSMAN!!!!

Heero: {Enters, stage right, attired in a medieval dream of a costume consisting of black leggings, black thigh high boots *rowr*, and a dark green doublet (natch). They hadn't been able to make him wear the hat.} Hn.

Dorothy: I've got a job for you, Huntsman. {Her eyes gleam wickedly.} I want you to take Duo --

Dacia: {Offstage.} Snow white!

Dorothy: {Glares to stage manager.} I want you to take *Snow White* into the forest and kill her. I want her dead. Not gone, not seriously injured, not even imprisoned in a thin marble tower with no doors or stairs. Dead. And bring me her lung and liver as a token. {She pauses.} Lung and liver? Why in the world would I want her lung and liver? Bring me back ... her hair.

Heero: Ninmu ryoukai.

Dorothy: {Exits stage left in a veritable huff.}

Duo: {Comes down from high room.} Ohayo, Huntsman. {Standing, it is now quite apparent that Duo's puffed skirt is all but indecently short.} How you doin'? {said ala Joey of 'Friends'.}

Heero: {Tries unsuccessfully to prevent a small smile from escaping.} Baka. The Queen, your stepmother, wonders if I might accompany you into the forest today.

Duo: And here I didn't think she liked me! That sounds like a wonderful idea. We can have a picnic! {Takes Heero's hand and pulls him into the castle.}

Quatre: The Huntsman was a loyal man, although at times he was perhaps too keen on completing missions. True to his warrior heritage, he had killed before in the service of his lord and would do so again if the need arose. He had, however, no liking for the new Queen. His disapproval of her in addition to his growing fascination with the bouncing ray of sunlight that pulled him into the castle led him to decide that this time, just maybe, he might not fulfill his mission after all.

Lights dim. Curtain falls.

[ End Act 1, Scene 1 ]

(Backstage)

Dacia: That went great!

Howard: If you say so. {Presses button on set. It transforms into the backdrop for the next scene.} Damn. I'm just too good.

Quatre: {Rushing in.} How as I? Was I good? Do you think they liked me?

Trowa: {Shocking everyone since no one had noticed him standing in the shadows.} How could they not like you, little flower.

Quatre: *blushes*

Wufei: {Still getting over Duo's costume.}

Treize: What's with Dorothy?

Dacia: Might have had something to do with your small departure from the script.

Treize: {Chuckles as only he can, strangely belying the fact that he really is wearing nothing but a smile.}

Dacia: Noises off!

Quatre: What?! So soon?! {Tears himself away from Trowa's compelling gaze only with some great effort.} I'm not ready!! {Dashes off in general direction of the stage.}

[ Act 1, Scene 2 ]

Curtain rises on a very shiny reproduction of a lush forest. Center is a comfortably sized clearing through which Snow White and the Huntsman currently stroll.

Quatre: And so the Huntsman led the unsuspecting Snow White deep into the forest ...

Heero: What .. is ... in ... this ... basket?!

Duo: {Looks to his companion who is barely visible behind a truly huge hamper filled to the brim with what can only be described as lots and lots and lots of food.} Just a light snack. Are you complaining, you big strong man you? No worries -- we're here.

Heero: {Drops [... scrounges around for another word for basket, only coming up with ...] pannier on the ground.} Hn.

Duo: {Spreads out blanket.} Sit, sit, sit! Eat, eat, eat! {Takes a seat himself and proceeds to stuff himself with strawberries.} I grew these in my own garden. The secret is to make sure they have a lot of sunshine. That's what makes them taste so sweet.

Heero: {Looking at anything but Duo since, as we all know, there's nothing quite as seductive as a kawaii Shinigami eating strawberries.} So desu ne.

Duo: {Looks quizzically at the stoic hunter.} Not much of a talker, are ya. That's ok. You look kind of nervous. Haven't you ever been on a picnic?

Heero: {Thinks for a minute, I mean, really thinks.} Iie, watashi wa pikunikku ni ichidomo itta koto ga arimasen.

Duo: {Stops eating.} Nani?

Hero: No. {He repeats it quietly in English for those of us who don't parlez the nihongo (speak Japanese).} I've never been on a picnic.

Duo: Hee-chan!

Quatre: *Sob*

Dacia: {Offstage.} *Groan*

Duo: {Crawls over to sit in Heero's lap.} Koi -- why didn't you ever tell me?

Heero: Picnics are unnecessary. Soldiers do not go on picnics. {He says this in a low voice, full of pathos, Greek sister of angst.}

Duo: But, watashi no kokoro, now you've got me. Pretty soon we'll have you doing all those things that soldiers “never” do.

Heero: {Small smile as Duo kisses him on the nose.}

Dacia: {Offstage. Now that the crisis is over, begins to peg Heero with flying rubber bands. She's a horrific shot, but eventually beans him.}

Heero: {Resumes as if the previous had not happened.} The Queen, your stepmother, is jealous of your beauty. She ordered me to take you deep into the forest, to kill you, and to bring back your hair as a token.

Duo: {Pops up like a jack rabbit.} MY hair?! MY HAIR?! Why that conniving, self-serving, twisted little eyebrow freak!

Heero: {Quite enjoying himself by now, both pathos and angst long forgotten. He stands and crosses to Duo.} But I find I do not have it in my heart to destroy you. Flee into the forest, Snow White. Run far and run long for you may never again return home. It would surely mean your death.

Duo: Are you kidding?! RUN?! I'm going back there right this minute and give that little b -- {Rubs side where Heero has none too gently elbowed him.} -- oops, I mean, yes. That's a good idea. Heh, heh. You're not as dumb as you look. I'll go ahead and do that. {Exits stage right.}

Quatre: {Still getting over Heero's tragic revelation.} *Sniff* And so the Huntsman did not fulfill his duty. The loveliness of the princess had struck him to his very soul and he could not help but save her. Instead of Snow White's hair, he brought back a piece of the silken night sky to the jealous Queen.

Lights dim. Curtain falls.

[ End Act 1, Scene 2 -- Intermission ]

(Backstage)

Dacia: {Still groaning.}

Wufei: {Still getting over a publicly unclothed Treize.}

Quatre: {Sobbing into Heero's arms.} It's so sad!

Duo: {Stalks by without a word, searching for Dorothy.}

Trowa: {Not being able to hold in any longer despite what it might do to his image, bursts into laughter.}

Tyler: I'm here! I'm here! Sorry I'm late! I got my hair stuck in the washing machine! Did I miss anything? {Glomps Dacia.}

Dacia: *Snorts*. Not a thing, my little cherry blossom. Go get changed into your costume. The dwarves are on next.

Howard: {Presses yet another button on the set. Forest changes into dwarves' house, except for one small section on the right which morphs into a castle buttress.} What the --

(in audience)

Poe: I wonder if Treize was really naked.

Lyssira: I like Dorothy. She's fun!

Poe: I mean, could you imagine? Naked Treize ...

Lyssira: She's even more fun than Relena.

Poe: Treize ... naked ...

[Act 2] [back to Dacia's fic]