A Gundam Wing Production of Snow White + Act 2

{ } -- designates actions and stage directions
[ ] -- author's comments

[ Act 2, Scene 1 ]

Curtains rise on a very shiny likeness of a dwarves house, complete with buttress, in the middle of the forest. Snow White stumbles in, stage left.

Quatre: Snow White ran far and long, deep into the dark woods. She ran as the sun set and ran all through the night. At last, as dawn broke, she could run no more. On the verge of exhaustion, she came across a small house set deep into the woods.

Duo: {Holding hands to sides and breathing heavily.} Where the friggin' hell could she be? I ran all over the place back there. I mean -- yeah, I've run hard and long into the forest. {Pauses.} Oh, fuck it. {Collapses to ground.}

Tyler: Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go ... {Sees the collapsed Snow White. Faints from the shock of the view he's getting up Duo's micro-skirt.}

(in audience)

Poe: Hey, it's Artemis!

Lyssira: Where?

Poe: There, there! The dwarf in blue!

Lyssira: Oh my god, it is!

Poe: The lucky little ...

Lyssira: I wonder if he could get us backstage ...

(on stage)

Sally Po: Hey, Ty-chan, what's the ... {Stops in mid sentence as she sees the collapsed Snow White. Grins appreciatively at Duo's costume, which is somehow much shorter now than it had been in the dress rehearsal. She crosses to the princess.} Hello, sleeping beauty.

Howard: {Offstage.} *clang, clang* Damned .. piece ... of ... hell-spawned ... machinery ... {Buttress morphs into a standard of a golden lion rampant in a field of green.}

Duo: {Sitting up.} Hello there, yourself. I'm Snow White. Nice leiderhosen.

Sally Po: *Grimaces* Thanks. It's all the latest rage amongst us dwarves. {Lends a hand to Snow White, helping her to stand.} What's a cute thing like you doing deep in a forest like this?

{Noin, Trowa, and Wufei enter stage right. All are clad in leiderhosen of various hues. Wufei is scowling fiercely. His leiderhosen is pink.}

Wufei: {Menacingly under his breath.} Maxwell...

Duo: *Chibi eyes* I'm a poor defenseless princess. The Queen, my stepmother, has me running for my very life. So jealous is she of my all overpowering beauty --

Dorothy: {Backstage.} Why that little -- {Gets cut off ominously.}

Duo: -- that she would rather that I cease to exist.

Trowa: What?

Duo: She wants to off me.

Trowa: Oh.

Wufei: Tell her to join the club. {His leiderhosen had been white.}

Noin: {Elbowing Wufei not any more gently than Heero had Duo earlier.} Why, how terrible! You must stay here with us. The forest is no place for a princess alone.

Duo: Kansha no kotoba. [Thank the high heavens for Concise English-Japanese dictionaries, ne? That would be 'thanks, expressing gratitude'.] I am so hungry! Running all day and all night really takes it out of you. Don't suppose you've got anything I could nibble on?

Sally Po: Follow us. {Leads all to stage right -- interior of the dwarves' home. Carries Tyler.}

Howard: {Offstage.} *rrrzt rrrzt* Damn ... pilfered ... Gundam ... parts ... {standard of a golden lion rampant in a field of green morphs back into buttress.}

Dacia: {Offstage.} There! Keep it there! That's good!

Howard: {Offstage.} Well, of course it's good.

Quatre: The dwarves took the princess into their home out of the goodness of their hearts. Her joyous ways and loving spirit quickly won over even the most reticent of them, and they soon accepted Snow White as one of their own. Back at the castle, the Huntsman had presented the jealous Queen with the faux locks and the Queen had been greatly pleased. The piece of the night sky, which shone as brilliantly as Snow White's own hair, was kept in the Queen's high chamber where no one but she ever set foot. {Directs attention to castle buttress where the Queen sits at her mirror.}

Dorothy: Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who in this land is the fairest of all?

Treize: Sorry, dear, it's still not you. Snow White may not be present at the court nowadays, but she's still got it goin' on.

Dorothy: *Growl*

Treize: Don't get me wrong. You're pretty good yourself. He's just much, much ... tastier.

Dorothy: {Painfully aware at the change of gender Treize had slipped in.} Tell me. Tell me where Snow White is. {Her words bespoke the wicked cunning behind her blue eyes.}

Treize: Over the hills, where the five dwarves dwell, Snow White is still alive and well.

Dacia: {Offstage.} *blinks* Did he just read from the script?!

Heero: {Offstage.} Hai.

Dacia: {Offstage.} Will miracles never cease?

(in audience)

Poe: I don't know ... he looks pretty naked to me.

(on stage)

Dorothy: Soooo. Snow White thinks she has escaped me, does she? We'll just see about that. {Drags out a stylized evil witches cookbook.} We'll just see ... Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Quatre: And so Snow White lived happily with the dwarves, who had come to love her dearly, all the while not knowing what wickedness the jealous Queen had in store for her. The Queen's jealously had consumed her entirely and she would not rest until Snow White was no more. To this end, she created an evil poison with which to destroy Snow White once and for all.

Dorothy: If you want something done right, do it yourself. Why doesn't anyone understand this? Battles are inevitable and as such demand that they be fought with integrity and honour. This is war. I must be prepared to sacrifice anything for victory. {She is effervescent in her certainty.}

Wufei: Exactly!

Dorothy: I should never have sent the Huntsman. I must see to this myself. But how?

Treize: You've got a problem there. He'll recognize you a mile away. What with those eyebrows and all ...

Dorothy: {Intent on planning evil, she spares no time on a reprisal to this jibe at her expense.} Not necessarily ...

{Scene switches back to the dwarves cottage.}

Duo: This is the life. {Tries unsuccessfully to remove an adoring Ty-chan from his leg.}

Wufei: You could help out a little around here, you know. Aren't you supposed to be cleaning the house? Washing the dishes? Dusting the ceremonial swords? Aren't you supposed to be doing all the woman's work?

Sally Po: {Clobbers Wufei on the head with a handy prop.} Don't mind him. We're just glad you're happy and safe here.

Trowa: Right. That's all that matters. {He looks more picturesquely stoic than ever, even in leiderhosen.}

Noin: We've got to leave for the day, now. Keep an eye out for the Queen, your stepmother. I can't help but think that she hasn't forgotten you.

Duo: Hey! No problem! I can handle the Queen, my stepmother. {Makes fist with one hand and pounds it into the other.} Boy, would I like to handle the Queen, my stepmother.

Sally Po: {Waiting for Tyler to let go of Duo.} So ... we'll be going now.

Tyler: {Refusing to budge, although his hands do continue the motion that has by now brought a slight flush to Snow White's snow white cheeks.}

Noin: {Forcibly manhandling Tyler away. She's stronger than she looks.} Yes. We'll be going. Now.

{Dwarves exit stage right.}

Quatre: Left alone in the dwarves warm home, Snow White forgot that she was deep in the dark forest. She forgot that she had run there to save her life. She forgot her intense terror of the jealous Queen.

Duo: *Snorts* Terror my ass.

Quatre: The jealous Queen, true to her evil nature, had by this time fashioned a disguise of such cunning that even the sweet Snow White would never know that it was she who would be the cause of her ultimate demise.

Dorothy: {Straightens her leiderhosen.} My God! These things chafe like hell? Who picked these things out, anyways? {Pulls her jaunty dwarves hat down over her trademark eyebrows as she sees Snow White.} Pardon me, young miss. Might you perhaps tell me if my friends, the five dwarves, are home today?

Duo: Why, no -- they left earlier this morning. Is there something I might do for you? {Strikes a seductive pose, which pretty much was any pose considering what he was wearing.}

Dorothy: {Oddly enough, doesn't get ruffled at the deliberate attempt to provoke her.} No, no. But there's something I might be able to do for you. You see, I was bringing these freshly baked cookies to my friends. They are not here ... but perhaps you would like some?

Duo: {Eyes lighting up.} Gimme, gimme! I mean, yeah. That'd be nice. I am so hungry. You'd think dwarves didn't know the meaning of the words 'junk' and 'food'. {Eats every last cookie in an awe-inspiringly short amount of time.}

Dorothy: I'm glad you like them, I made them specially for you. {Can't hold back the evil laugh.} Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Duo : Nani?

Dorothy: Just got something caught in my throat. *Cough, cough* Say 'hi' to the dwarves for me! {Exits left, back to the castle.}

Duo: What a nice little dwarf. *Yawn* Whoo! Sleepy. {Falls into deep, deathlike slumber as she rests on a handy tuffet.}

Quatre: When the dwarves came home later that day, it was to find their very own beloved Snow White seemingly asleep in their front yard.

Sally Po: {Smiles fondly.} She must have had a hard day.

Wufei: Must have been all that eating and laying around.

Noin: Let's wake her up.

Tyler: I'll do it! I'll do it! {Rushes over to Snow White's side and proceeds to attempt to wake her up in very interesting ways.}

Sally Po: She's not waking up!

Noin: What's wrong?!

Tyler: Oh my god -- she's dead! {Is overcome by sobs by even the mere thought of Duo being dead.}

Trowa: It must have been the Queen, her stepmother.

Noin: We should never have left her alone!

Wufei: *Shrugs* Well, too late now!

Sally Po: {Clobbers Wu-chan yet again with yet another handy prop.}

Wufei: Injustice!

Noin: Whatever shall we do? I have come to love her so much. I can't bear the thought of not seeing her smiling face every day.

Quatre: And so the dwarves mourned the death of Snow White. Meanwhile, the jealous Queen returned to her tower ...

Dorothy: Mirror, Mir --

Treize: Can't we just skip all that? Yes, yes, you are the fairest in the land. Although even dead Snow White is looking pretty damn good.

Dorothy: But I am the fairest one of all? Say it ... No ifs, ands, or buts.

Treize: No doubt about it. *Grimaces* What I do for good theatre. {Disappears.}

Curtain falls.

[ End Act 2, Scene 1 ]

(Backstage)

Dacia: Will somebody please pry Tyler from Snow White?

Noin: {Again manhandling Tyler.} What should I do with him?

Dacia: {Ponders and decides there's only one thing for it.} Only one thing for it -- we'll have to lose a dwarf.

Tyler: No!

Dacia: Sorry, honey bunny, but Duo needs to be unencumbered for the rest of the play.

Tyler: I'll be good! I promise!

All: {Rolling their eyes}

Tyler: Heh, heh. I guess I wouldn't have believed that one either.

Heero: *Smirks somewhat wickedly* I'll take care of him.

Tyler: {Knees weakening as Heero takes his arm and drags him away.}

Dacia: Has anyone seen Zechs? He's on in the next Act.

Treize: He didn't want anyone to see him before it was time. He wants to make an entrance.

Duo: This could prove to be interesting ...

Howard: {Crossing his fingers, he pushes a button on the set. Set morphs into peaceful dell.} Hell, yes!

Quatre: This is all very tiring. Can I please have some water?

Trowa: {Eye wide with sympathy.} Come with me, my parched petunia.

(Further Backstage)

Tyler: Hey, Hee-chan. Where are you taking me?

Heero: *Patented glare*

Tyler: Meep!

Heero: {Takes Tyler to the back of the Gundanium set. Pushed him up against it.}

Tyler:{ Not sure whether or not he should be fearing for his life or letting his hormones have their way with him, deciding conclusively on the latter. Is a bit apprehensive when Heero pulls out manacles. Don't ask.} Are those for me?! C'mon! You can't just lock me up and leave me here!

Heero: Can't I? {Sets about attaching Tyler to the set, managing to graze Tyler's by now rock hard erection much more often then necessary during the process.}

Tyler: *whimper*

Dacia: {Backstage.} Let's get a move on, people!

Heero: {Runs a finger Tyler teasingly across Tyler's lower lip.} Don't worry. I'll be back for you.

[Act 1] [cont] [back to Dacia's fic]