very (cont)

+

Quatre had not thought it was such a good idea, but when he finally came over to Heero's place and met Duo, he changed his mind. He had never seen Heero so happy and Duo had a glow about him that made him look like a boy made of stained glass.

"You known Heero long?" asked Duo when Heero had gone into the bedroom to answer the phone.

"Seven years."

"You and he were ... lovers, right?"

Quatre nodded. Duo took that in, let it settle. He got up from the sofa and moved to look out the window. Quatre had the feeling that whatever he was seeing was not anywhere near to the real world outside.

"Sometimes, when I'm with him, I feel like I'm going to die. I see flashes of light before my eyes, even when I close them, and my heart beats so fast it's like it'll leap out of my chest. And when he touches me it's like fire."

Quatre remained silent, not daring to break the spell that allowed Duo to talk to him like this.

"I had no idea it would be like this. That first day I saw him, I knew that he was everything I was looking for. It was so weird to suddenly be confronted by the pure physical form of what lived in my dreams. I thought, if I couldn't get him, if I couldn't make him love me, I may as well have died. And now I feel I could die and still be happy, cuz he's mine."

Duo turned back to Quatre. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes seemed to Quatre an unbearable blue.

"I guess I'm telling you this cuz you love him, too. I had to tell someone."

A small smile grew on his lips that just about broke Quatre's heart. He thought he should say something, but for the life of him he couldn't think of what exactly that might be. At that moment, Heero walked back into the room.

"Have fun while I was gone?"

"You have no idea," said Quatre plainly.

+

During the day, when Duo was in school, Heero continued to work on his latest book. He had never worked so well in his life and he knew the cause of all his creative energy was Duo. Just the thought of him sent the blood surging through his veins. The boy was magic, pure and simple.

+

One day, as he came back from his morning workout, he found a young boy, 14 tops, at his door.

"You Heero?"

Heero nodded. The boy looked to him like very fine porcelain. He felt a guilt ridden twinge of desire and was just about to berate himself before he realized that this stranger was the image of Duo as he must have been at this age.

"I'm Solo [1]. Can I come in?"

Heero unlocked his door and gestured for Solo to follow him inside.

"Shouldn't you be at school?"

"Yeah." Solo's grin was infectious and pretty soon Heero found himself grinning, too. "But I had to see you and I didn't want Duo to know."

He sat himself on the sofa and took the glass of orange juice Heero offered him.

"Thanks."

He drained half the glass and held it in his hands like it was all that kept him from darting out the door. Heero couldn't resist reaching across and brushing the bangs out of his eyes.

"You look just like him."

Solo's blue eyes gleamed. "I can see why Duo digs you."

Heero, blushing, pulled his hand back. What am I? A pederast?

"What brings you here?"

"I wanted to know how he was doing. So did mom. He calls, but he won't talk to her. And I can never tell if he means what he says. His voice is like ice."

"I'm sorry for that."

"Don't be. I mean, it was a long time coming, but it was inevitable. If it hadn't been you, it would have been something else. He was always too much of a free spirit for them."

Solo looked around the room, his eyes lighting on a picture of Duo and Heero that sat on the window ledge. A second later, he crossed to it and held it up to study it.

"My god, what have you done to him?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I've never seen him like this." There was an un-childlike sadness that had crept into Solo's voice. "He looks so ... happy. I had no idea how miserable he was at home until just now, looking at this." He sighed. "No, that's not true. I knew. I just didn't want to know."

"Was it so bad for him at home?"

Solo put the picture down and came back to sit next to Heero.

"Yeah, but not bad. Mom and Dad love Duo, they just don't understand him. Dad's career Navy. So is mom. I guess they expected their sons to follow in their footsteps. But Duo never had any intention of entering the military." Solo reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded sheet of paper. "Duo's an artist. I found this in his room, after he'd gone. It ..." Solo struggled to find the words. "I thought it was ... well, something unearthly. I mean, like something that you couldn't find in real life. It made me so sad cuz I figured he could never have it. I guess that's why I was so worried. But now ... well, here."

He handed the paper to Heero who slowly unfolded it. It was a portrait of himself. Duo must have done it while he was sleeping. It was a pencilled sketch, but full of such warmth that Heero could almost feel it radiating off the page. There was a small smile on his lips in the drawing, one of utter and complete contentedness. Was this how Duo saw him? This wasn't merely him, it was a personification of love itself.

"He wasn't drawing something he dreamt of, he was drawing something he'd already found. In you. When I came here today, I don't really know what I expected to find. And then I saw you and I knew everything was OK. I didn't have to worry cuz you were just as beautiful as he drew and the light that you have around you in the drawing is the same light I see in your eyes when you think of him."

Solo shook himself as if realizing what he had said had no place in the mouth of a 14 year old boy. Heero felt an affection for him then -- a nice, clean and entirely platonic affection.

"Listen, Solo. You want to hang out around here today? It's a bit late for you to go to school, and I'm sure Duo would love to see you."

"Yeah," smiled Solo, once more the little boy he seemed. He had a trust in him that pierced Heero straight through. "That'd be cool."

+

When Duo came home that afternoon, it was to find Heero and Solo fighting over the last of the popcorn and watching 'Prince of Darkness'.

Heero laughed, keeping Solo at arms length.

"Back off, you little monster. Didn't your mother teach you to have respect for your elders?"

"My mother's in the Navy," replied Solo. "She taught me to take my elders and stomp 'em."

"Nice." Heero let himself be overcome and surrendered. "Enough. And I thought your brother was a handful."

"Don't kid yourself that I'm not," said Duo.

Heero leaned his head back from where he lay and gave Duo an upside down smile.

"Surprise."

Solo leapt to his feet and ran to Duo.

"Long time, no see, bro. Were you gonna keep away from me forever?"

"Sorry." Duo ruffled his brother's hair. "It just got too heavy. I didn't want to think about it."

"Well, who'd want to with him around." Solo gestured to Heero who was once more vertical. "He's a lot more fun than regimental dinner parties."

"I'll say." Duo's smile verged on something indecent. And then, turning back to Solo, "Can you stay for dinner?"

"I don't know. I should probably get home. I'm gonna be in for it as it as if mom and dad find out I ditched today."

Duo snorted derisively.

"Don't," said Solo. "They love you."

"You expect me to believe that?" Duo plopped himself next to Heero on the sofa and nestled into his arms.

"It's true. They ... they wanna see you."

"Is that so."

"They do. And they want to meet Heero."

"Is that so."

This time it was Heero who spoke. He had no idea how he felt about all this. He couldn't imagine any parents who truly loved their son tossing him out because he was gay. But if they were willing to take the first step, who was he to stand in the way of reconciliation? He knew his next words would be the deciding factor in Duo's choice.

"Maybe it wouldn't be so bad."

Solo cast him a thankful look.

"You serious?" said Duo hesitantly.

Heero knew that Duo missed his folks. Even after how they'd separated, Duo couldn't help but be homesick every now and then.

"It couldn't hurt," continued Heero cautiously. "Even if it's a bust, you'll still have me."

Duo brightened at that, as he did every time he realized Heero pretty much belonged to him at this point.

"Yeah."

He still didn't seem quite sure. He looked younger than ever. Heero could only think, 'My god, what have I done to him.'

"There's no hurry," said Solo quickly, knowing better than to press his luck. "Maybe in a week or two?"

"Yeah," repeated Duo.

He pulled closer to Heero, pressing his face to Heero's chest.

"Maybe you'd better go now," said Heero to Solo.

"Sure. Sure." He stopped at the door to look back at them. "I'll call, OK?"

Heero nodded in response, Duo was oblivious. It seemed an eternity after Solo had gone that Duo finally spoke.

"Hold me."

"I am holding you," said Heero. He had the distinct feeling he was cradling a child in his arms.

"No." Duo pulled at Heero's shirt and yanked it off. "I want to feel your skin. I need to feel your heartbeat next to mine."

When at last they lay together, Heero could feel the wet of the boy's tears on his cheeks.

"You want to talk about it?"

Duo inched himself closer and closer still.

"Later. Right now I just need you to love me."

+

Eventually, Duo drifted off to sleep. Heero was proud of the smile he had put on the boy's face. After all was said and done, they would always have each other and it was that fact more than anything that had placated Duo's frantic need.

Heero could only imagine what was going through Duo's mind. He himself had led an ideal life -- or, as an ex-lover had put it, a wet-dream of a life. He'd never had any problem with his sexuality. Neither had his family. His mother had taken it in stride and his father had accepted it fairly calmly, too. His brother had known all along, probably even before Heero had. They were all proud of him. Hell, he had even brought his boyfriends home to meet them. His straight friends had stuck by him, when it had finally come out at school that he was gay. Heero had always taken it all for granted, but, now that he really thought about it, he realized his life hadn't been ideal but charmed. At college, he had found himself immersed in a sub-culture of young gods, all ripe for the picking. He had edited the campus gay/lesbian newspaper while he majored in creative writing and had sold his first book in his junior year. Nothing big, but it had gotten good reviews. So had his second book. People were starting to know his name and to respect him. He didn't hide his sexuality. He couldn't -- it was what he wrote about. He knew what was going on in the world -- discrimination, AIDS, gay-bashing -- but none of it had ever really touched him. What must it be like to be afraid, to have to hide what you were for your own safety and welfare? He really didn't have a clue, but he was beginning to. Duo was so much a part of him even after the few months they had lived together that he found everything that affected the boy affected him, too. Duo ...

He knew he was all that had kept Duo from breaking down after his parents threw him out. If it hadn't been love, if he had been another type of man, Heero had no doubt that Duo most likely would be dead by now. Sometimes at night, he would wake up to find Duo at the window, staring off into the heavens as if he was searching for something. It was at those times that Duo seemed to him like another creature entirely. The pain he suffered had lent a depth to his blue eyes that made him seem older than his years, even when he acted younger. The sight of him like that, silhouetted against the stars, was almost painful to Heero. It wasn't only for Duo that he would call him back to bed and make love to him. It was also for himself, so he could hold in his arms this fragile creature and reassure himself that he wasn't just a dream that would break apart in his fingers and return to moonlight. When he could feel Duo's hands on his body and could feel him breathing, he became so happy it was frightening. He hadn't told anyone, not even Quatre, how Duo made him feel. When he came, he saw fireworks in his head that had little to do with Duo's physical form. Sex had always been something special to him -- he accepted how incredible it felt, even expected it. No, what made it so shattering was that Duo was his. This beautiful, beautiful body that housed such a pure and loving soul belonged to him.

So now as he held his life in his arms, he could not help but cry and, as he closed his eyes, let his tears fall quietly onto sheets as white as snow.

+

Duo woke him an hour or two later with a steaming mug of hot chocolate.

"Thanks, kid." He smiled, taking a tentative sip. "You wear me out."

"And this is a bad thing?"

Heero cocked his head to one side, watched the grin on Duo's lips.

"It's good to see you've cheered up a bit."

"What can I say?" replied Duo offhandedly. "You are the sunshine of my life."

"Glad to hear it."

He took another sip. The warmth of the hot chocolate dropped right to his stomach, radiating out in waves that made him think he would be cooler if he took his clothes off. If he had been wearing any. He wasn't sure if it was the right time to bring up Solo's visit or not. Duo could be very emotional. One second he was on top of the world, the next he was underneath it. Heero thought that probably was due to his tender age, but when he thought about things like that, it reminded him that he and Duo were worlds apart. Even now only part of him beheld Duo as a lover would. There was another part of him that was a parent. Quatre said this just showed how perverted he really was. Heero had just laughed and agreed. Now, however, he did not laugh. Even though Duo seemed fine, he was afraid that a wrong word on his part would raze him. So he sipped his hot chocolate and allowed Duo to make the first move.

"I never thought they'd do it," said Duo quietly, like he was in the middle of a conversation instead of the beginning of one. "I mean, they were always strict, but I knew they loved me. Even when I didn't show any interest in the military and took art classes instead, they were proud of me. When I told them, it was almost a relief. I didn't like lying to them. I was scared to death they'd catch on. Mom can spot a lie a mile off. I guess the only reason I got away with it so long was because I was so motivated."

He smiled to Heero who didn't even try to hide the adoration in his gaze. It always moved him to think what Duo had given up so that they could be together.

"When dad said that no homosexual was going to live under his roof, I thought he was kidding. If I hadn't had you, I ... I don't know what I would've done. Just for those few moments between my house and yours, I was broken. And then there was you and you put me back together. Better than I'd been before." Duo hopped up off the bed and began to pace. "I don't know how to face them. When I first left, I didn't want to see them ever again. If they had died right then, I wouldn't have cared. But now I miss them. I really do. I'm scared that they'll do something to make me hate them. I don't want to hate them, Heero." He came over to Heero and kissed him hard. "Can we go out tonight? I've got some steam to burn off."

Heero, smiling, kissed him back. "If I were a responsible adult, I'd mention this is a school night."

Duo gave him a disgusted look and rolled his eyes.

"But seeing as I'm so depraved," he continued, running a hand up Duo's thigh as if to prove his point, "I figure it's too late to keep you young and innocent."

Duo did a flip onto the bed.

"God, Heero, I love you."

+

[1] I know -- Solo is supposed to be Duo's older brother, but what the hell else was I supposed to call him? ^_^

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