Author: Elyndys
Pairing: 1x2x1
Warnings: Citrus, humour, cross-dressing, but maybe not what you’d expect…
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, but that doesn’t stop me ^_~
Additional disclaimer: I don't know anything about office parties, or even much about offices to be honest, so the plan in my head is entirely made up! ^^;; Hope it makes sense...

This is for Dacia, who I believe had a birthday recently! ^_~ Many happy returns for a wonderful archiver!


“Woah, Maxwell’s getting married!”

I looked up from my work when I heard Matt’s astounded voice. “What?! I didn’t even know he was seeing someone!” I saw Duo come into the office then, smiling in a rather bemused fashion at everyone’s reaction to the news.

“Yeah, we’ve been seeing each other for a while now…”

“So, when’d you pop the question? Have you set a date yet?” Everyone was looking for proof he wasn’t just making it up; for some reason we all saw Duo as the least likely member of the office team to settle down ­ he was so young, and a charmer too; we’d have thought he would want to have a taste of everything he could before he decided what he wanted, because we all knew he’d be able to get any girl he liked.

He shook his head at our questions, chuckling. “We didn’t want a long engagement. We want to get married soon, so the wedding’s in only a month.” As everyone began to talk at him again he held up his hands. “And no, you’re not all coming to the wedding! We’re just having a few friends, we don’t want anything fancy, OK?” He started out of the main office towards his own down the corridor. “But hey, I’ll bring you all a slice of cake!” He disappeared with a wave of his hand.

We all sat looking at each other for a few minutes. “Woah… That was unexpected!”

“I wonder who she is?”

Some of the women were looking pretty pissed off. “He kept that one quiet!”

“Yeah, we never even got a chance!”

The guys laughed. “You’re curious, aren’t you? About who it is who could be better than you?” Matt ducked the ball of paper Su threw at his head. “Kidding, kidding!” He turned back to the males who formed the majority of the workforce. “But of course, you know what a wedding means, don’t you? Stag night!”

The guys laughed and made sounds of leery approval. “Stripper! That’ll test him! See if his girl really is all that!”

“Yeah! He can’t have seen everything at his age… We need to… educate him!”

The girls shook their heads, but I could see they were smiling.

“That’s settled then! We’ll sort something out for the weekend before the wedding. And in the meantime… let’s see how much we can find out about this mystery woman!”


“So, Maxwell, c’mon! You’ve got to tell us about this fiancée of yours!”

Duo seemed amused at the interest everyone was taking. “Why do you want to know?!”

“We’re just curious as to who could get your undivided attention!” Ricky elbowed him with a knowing wink.

Duo gave him an odd look. “Why shouldn’t I be faithful to one person?”

We looked at each other. “Well… young man like you… You know…” We all made vague noises and some fuzzy hand gestures.

Duo looked even more amused. “Well, I hate to disappoint you but I’m happy. Very happy.” He winked at us and made his way out of the room again, to a chorus of whistles and “Get in there!”s.

Every lunch break from the day we heard the news, the guys tried to get Maxwell to spill the beans about his love life. But every day he’d brush them off, giving a sly look or a smug grin. He certainly looked satisfied with his lot in life; we’d often hear him whistling a cheerful tune, or sharing a joke with the cleaners when we were leaving for the evening. The more we tried to wheedle details out of him, the more he seemed to smile and swagger around the office, like he was immensely proud of his secret that he wouldn’t let anyone else share.

“C’mon, man, won’t you even tell us her name?!”

He considered for a while. “Hmm… OK, I guess I can’t deny you that. Heero. My fiancée is called Heero.”

That didn’t satisfy anyone, though. Now we’d got him to give us that much, we tried extra hard to get information out of him.

“What’s she look like, hm? How come you don’t have any pictures of her on your desk?”

He stared at us. “Why do you all care? Have you nothing better to do with your time?! C’mon, out of my office, go do some work, you slackers!”

I guess it was kind of comical how everyone tried so hard to find out about Duo’s girl; but we were intrigued now!

“Y’know, I reckon she’s really plain, or has no fashion sense, or something like that, and Maxwell’s embarrassed to tell us!” This from Matt, who had by now emerged as the ringleader, at lunch about ten days after Duo’s initial announcement.

Duo rolled his eyes and put his tea mug down with a harsh clatter. “Look, you think I can’t pull someone attractive?”

We looked at each other; that was rather unlikely, we had to admit.

He looked smug. “In any case, Heero is gorgeous, and I’m not just saying that.”

“Well why not show us a picture then?!” Matt still sounded sceptical.

Duo snorted. “What, and have you leering at my fiancée? Not a chance, pal. Get your own!”

Matt reddened at that. We laughed ­ it seemed Duo had struck a nerve. Maybe that explained his interest in Duo’s love-life ­ trying to make up for his own lack of one.

Still ­ what did it say about the rest of us? I didn’t give the matter too much thought; I was as caught up as everyone else in the overblown importance we attached to Duo’s upcoming nuptials. Thom from accounts was running a book! You could get odds of three to one that the wedding would be called off: two to one it’d be Duo, and evens that it would be the girl who’d get cold feet…

Duo remained highly amused by the whole affair, and the way it had taken over the office. “Nice to know I play such a big role in your lives!” He threw a friendly arm round Matt’s shoulders.

Matt looked uncomfortable. “Shut up, Maxwell, it just gives us something to think about while we’re all bored at work, that’s all.” He shrugged off Duo’s arm. Duo smirked, but said nothing.

A few days later, though, he was at it again. “Why are you bothering to get married, anyway? You get her up the duff, or something?” He winked and nudged Duo, but he was taken aback by Duo’s uproarious laughter.

“I don’t think so!” He was laughing so much as he left the room that no-one in the office thought to re-ask the original question. What on earth was so funny about that?!

Matt quietened down for a short while after that ­ but before we knew it, it was time for the famed and carefully planned stag night. We’d told Duo it was ‘just a night out with the lads’, but he wasn’t stupid; he knew what it was, but he was easy-going enough. Not so easy-going that he let his guard down, though ­ he was probably (and understandably) wary that he’d end up naked and unconscious on a train to somewhere very far away, if he had more than a few drinks. Luckily for him, though, that wasn’t the plan. Rather, the plan involved us all converging on a bar one evening, having hired it for the purpose, trying (unsuccessfully) to get Duo drunk, until the main event took place.

Said Main Event arrived, dressed in the briefest little waitress outfit I could have ever imagined, to the great appreciation of the gathered crowd of red-blooded males. With the notable exception of one. Duo looked beyond shocked when this girl approached him with her bosom to the fore, though to his credit he did recover quickly… though perhaps not in the way Matt and co. had anticipated. He smiled at her, complimenting her pretty face and lovely eyes; and as the others whistled and cheered at her, he quickly found out her name, bought her a drink and engaged her in a light-hearted conversation about the recent cold weather, and how he hoped she’d got a coat with her or she was going to be freezing on the way home. I think she was pretty shocked too, though she didn’t complain when Duo shoved a handful of notes into her hand and told her not to bother taking any more off, she was wearing little enough as it was… So so much for the stripper. She spent a short while happily chatting with Duo, before leaving, much to the disappointment of our group.

“What kind of stag night is it without a woman with no clothes on?! Man, Duo, what’s the matter with you?! She was really hot!”

“Yeah, you idiot! Once you’re tied to the apron strings you won’t get many more opportunities like that! It’ll all be ‘When will you be home?’ and ‘Don’t be going out with your mates’ and that…”

“You should have taken the chance, man… Your girl couldn’t possibly have tits as perfect as that; she was a professional!”

Duo laughed for a long time at that. “Well, you’re definitely right there, Heero certainly doesn’t have a chest like that!”

By that time we were too drunk to wonder what it was he found so funny.

During the following week, the one leading up to the wedding, all speculation came to a head.

“So, you’re not having any second thoughts?” Ed had placed a bet that Duo would call the wedding off, he couldn’t stand to see Thom the bookmaker taking his money.

Duo grinned. “Nope.”

It was one of the girls who raised another important issue. “All set for your honeymoon then? Where you going to?”

“Rome. I let Heero choose where we went.”

The girls ‘Aww’ed, but the romantic mood was ruined by the ever-helpful Matt. “Well, it’s not like you’ll be leaving the hotel room much anyway, is it?”

Duo rolled his eyes. “Have you got no sense of adventure?”

Matt just leered, until Duo clarified.

“Never heard of al fresco? When in Rome, my friend…” He sauntered back down the corridor, leaving a gaping Matt to be ribbed by the rest of the office.

Before we knew it, it was the end of the week and the day before the wedding. We’d had a little whip-round ­ even Matt had put his hand in his pocket, though he hadn’t contributed nearly as much as the newly-rich Thom ­ and bought Duo a few nice bottles of wine… and, in a characteristic display of bad taste, the largest size variety pack of condoms Matt had been able to find in some dodgy shop. Duo stared at the pack for a few moments before laughing in that way he’d done a few times in the recent past, like he had a little private joke going on… “Heh, there are some lemon and lime flavour. My favourite.”

It was only afterwards we wondered quite what he meant by that.


A fortnight later, and Duo was back, bearing cheap tacky models of famous Roman landmarks for us all, and a set of dirty postcards for Matt. “Thought you’d appreciate them.”

Matt pinned them to his noticeboard eagerly, before pointing out how tanned Duo was.

Duo winked. “Well, I told you we’d be getting out and about. And yes, I know you’re all wondering ­ this tan is all over.”

Su nearly swooned at the mental image, but Matt, for once, approved, clapping Duo on the back. “Congratulations, mate! I take it you had a good one?”

Duo leered back at him. “I had several good ones, every day.”

Matt laughed. “Oh, these newly-weds, eh? So you are a man, after all!”

Duo smirked. “Oh yes. And Heero knows that for certain.”

“Ahhh, I knew you had it in you!” Matt waited a minute for Duo to stop laughing again, before continuing. “So, do we get to meet her now? After all, we’re not gonna try anything now she’s officially Mrs Maxwell, are we?”

Duo considered. “Well, I’ll think about it. I guess some days Heero might pick me up from work; it’ll save me catching the Underground now we’re sharing a car.”

Matt beamed. Success!

And it wasn’t long that we had to wait, either.

“Hey, who’s that woman?” We crowded round the window to get a look when Su pointed out the stranger in the car park.

“I dunno, never seen her before…” None of us had any ideas… until Duo came in.

“What’s going on out there? Not some girl in a bikini for no reason again, is it?”

“No, no,” Matt answered seriously, “but there is a woman out there…”

I saw Duo look for a moment, then he grinned and slapped himself on the forehead. “Of course! I knew there was something I was meant to be doing!” He ran from the main office and reappeared a moment later, pulling on his jacket. “I’ll see you guys later! It’s OK, the boss knows I’m leaving early, I just forgot! Bye!” He hurried out and down the stairs, and we saw him reappear a moment later… just in time to intercept the woman as she was about to enter the building.

“Hey! It’s her!” Matt nearly fell over. “Damn, I wish we’d got to meet her, find out what she sees in him!”

“Yeah, you’ve got to admit she’s pretty tasty!” We were all appreciative, even at this distance, of her slim figure and subtle good looks. She was just a little taller than Duo, we saw as they kissed on the tarmac below us, with short dark hair and a tasteful outfit, not like some of the slappers[1] Matt and co. had for girlfriends, however briefly. She had a short skirt on, yes, but she didn’t look made up, and from her posture and stance she seemed like a confident, self-assured young woman. That, and her expression on seeing Duo… We could see he was grinning like a fool, and she rolled her eyes at him even as they met for another kiss as they walked over to the shiny black car that hadn’t been there five minutes ago.

Matt was sceptical, though, as she got into the driver’s side. “Hm, Maxwell’s taking his life in his hands, letting his wife drive him around, isn’t he?”

Su threw a stapler at his head, but missed.

Matt laughed. “Well, women drivers…” We watched the shiny little car speed deftly out of the car park. “Wouldn’t mind a set of wheels like that though.” He considered. “I bet he gets a lot of use out of the back seat!” He leered. We laughed. “I think I would, if I had a woman like her…” Slowly we dispersed, mystery partially solved… but appetites only whetted.

The next morning the interest was as evident as ever.

“Hey, Maxwell, your old lady’s a bit of alright!” Matt slapped Duo on the back cheerfully.

Duo grinned. “Heh, you’re not far wrong there!” He winked.

“Car’s not bad either. You had her long?”

“Oh, the car’s Heero’s. I got rid of mine when we got married, saves a bit of money.”

Matt looked surprised. “Right, I was surprised you let her loose with it if it was yours!” He laughed heartily, while Duo gave a patient smile. Matt didn’t seem to notice, but carried right on. “Heh, how’s the suspension in the back?” He leered. The office, as one, shook its head at his continuing crassness; Matt just didn’t know when to let it drop…

Duo got Matt right back though. He leered back at him. “Oh, it’s just fine. But it won’t be for long.” He patted Matt on the shoulder and stalked out in that smug way that got Matt so riled up, leaving him looking disappointed; he was clearly still looking for more juice to supplement his own ailing love-life. We jeered at him, and he flipped us off before retreating to his desk.

Mrs Heero Maxwell showed up quite a few times after that, when Duo was working a half-day. Always wearing something tasteful, yet sexy, and always greeting Duo with the same enthusiastic meeting of mouths that made Matt whistle sadly and make a muttered comment about what he thought about ‘going home to that every night’. We were all still hooked on the current romance, as nothing more interesting was forthcoming; so we eagerly awaited every morning when Duo would get in, and Matt would trade low witticisms about the probability of Maxwell offspring (“One Maxwell is enough, eh? What? What’s so funny?”) or Mrs Maxwell’s taste in underwear (“Wouldn’t you like to know, you pervert…”). Duo seemed to have undergone a change: at first, when he first announced his engagement, he had been more cagy, and evaded our questions; but now he was married, he seemed to have grown in confidence about his spouse, and was prepared to go right ahead and join in our speculations on his conjugal activities. Much to our delight.

“Sorry I’m late,” he declared one morning, coming into the office looking a little rumpled, like he’d rushed to get ready. “I was up all night shagging. [2]”

The office had no comeback for that one. Not even Matt. We watched, open-mouthed, as he headed down to his office, tucking his shirt in.

After a few moments, Matt regained his voice somewhat. “Bloo-dy hell, nothing like rubbing our noses in it is there!” He chased off down the corridor. “Maxwell, you old dog! Your missus been keeping you up, eh? Oh! Keeping you up! Yeah! I didn’t even realise I’d said that, man I’m funny…”

Duo chuckled and shut the door to stop him getting any further. Matt came back, undeterred. “Ahh, he is human like the rest of us! I was beginning to wonder. But I can see why he sticks to that wife of his, I certainly can, now I’ve seen her for myself. Man, I’d like to meet her…”

“Yeah, so you can try it on! You must have a death wish, Maxwell’d go mental!” Ed was sceptical.

Matt had to agree there. “Oh, I wouldn’t try nothing, but I’d just like to, y’know, check her out!” He grinned, confident in the knowledge Duo couldn’t actually hear him.

We all had to admit we were all hoping someday Matt would get his confrontation.

And, one day, sure enough…

“Excuse me, which way is Duo Maxwell’s office?”

Matt shot out of his chair so fast it fell over. “Oh, it’s this way, if you’ll follow me…” He led her down the corridor.

By unspoken agreement we all quietly gathered round the office door, listening in.

“So,” Matt was saying, “Mrs Maxwell, right?”

“Yeah.” There was a smile in her tone. Her voice was actually pretty deep, for a woman… She was just as good-looking up close, though; tall, slim, nice rear view, but with a beautiful face as well ­ she didn’t wear too much make-up, as we’d noticed before, but she didn’t need it. Her eyes were naturally captivating, a deep blue… We could all see what attracted Maxwell.

Matt made some blustering small talk before getting to the question he really wanted to ask. “Anyway, what was it that first attracted you to our boy?” He winked at her disarmingly.

She turned to him. “Duo is… a very passionate person.” Her face was straight, but she’d got him just like Duo had all those times. They’d reached Duo’s office, and she went in, leaving him in the corridor.

We sniggered at him as he came back. “Too much information?” She’d certainly smouldered as she’d said that one sentence.

He waved a hand airily. “I finally got to meet her though!”

We shook our heads and laughed. "Wonder what they're doing in there now," I said teasingly.

Matt's eyes widened. "Shit! You don't reckon..." He hesitated a minute, then ran quietly back to Duo's office door, pressing his ear against it carefully.

Curious, we crowded round the main office door, watching Matt's expression to see if he gave any indication of what he was hearing.

He just looked frustrated though. "Can't hear anything," he said, returning, "These doors are too damn thick."

Half an hour later, we tried to discern whether we were right in our assumption, when Mrs Maxwell left the office, sharing a lingering kiss and a slightly saucy smile with her husband.

Duo was wearing a wide grin when Matt, trying to look like he'd merely been passing by, nudged him in a manly way. "Enjoy your lunchbreak, Maxwell?"

"Oh yes. And Heero did too, thanks very much."

Somehow there was just something lascivious about everything Duo said, these days. I wondered idly whether asking the cleaners if there were any suspicious stains in Duo's office would be too much, even for Matt.