Author: FancyFigures
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, wish I did, just enjoy writing about 'em for free etc
Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4, 4x5
Category: AU, humour
Warnings: Yaoi, lemon
Spoilers: None
Notes: The troubles between Heero and Duo are not in the script - though the whole cast are on hand to help out. But it may take a cameo performance from another character to reveal the final twist of the plot!

Feedback: If you liked it, PLEASE let me know!

Written for Gundam Wing Diaries Contest 'The Art of Using Sex Toys'.

Many thanks to everyone who contributed ideas for this one, especially Stephanie, Jessica and Hubby - and they were the only ones who knew what they were helping me write *smirk*!

That's Entertainment!

It was late afternoon, and four young men were clustered round the door to the trailer. It was tightly closed. They all looked hesitant; none of them seemed about to go in.

The one at the front of the group was tall, dark-haired, and seemed rather intense. He was dressed in jeans and tee shirt, and was very good-looking, though there was currently a confused expression on his face. Beside him was a slim, handsome blond dressed in pseudo-military gear - at least, that's what the cloth headband and the camouflage pants suggested. The blond wore nothing else, and the pants were ripped rather artistically at the back to show the glistening skin of his pert, nude buttocks. On the other side was a strongly-built Chinese man, with very striking good looks, a well-developed six-pack, and some unusual mock-metal guards strapped around his thighs and calves. He wore a brief, dark grey thong, a strange headpiece that covered one eye, and also nothing else.

At the back of them all stood a slender brunette, fully dressed, holding a clipboard that said 'Trowa Barton, Director. Movies from WrinkleTheSheets Productions'. His whole attitude was one of barely suppressed impatience.

"So is Duo in there?" he said.

"Sounds like he's jerking off!" said Quatre, the inquisitive blond, leaning in towards the trailer as if he were listening through the wall. Which he was.

"On his own?" Heero, the dark-haired man, sounded shocked. "He's got me for that!"

"Perhaps it's just indigestion," said Quatre, his ear still pressed shamelessly to the side of the trailer. "Shall I check he's OK -?" He raised a fisted hand to knock on the door.

"Don't!" shouted Heero and the Chinese man, Wufei, in perfect unison.

"Listen to the background sound," said Trowa, his head tilted towards the trailer. He was known for his pragmatism. "It's like a strange, sucking noise..."

"What -?" said Quatre, curiously. "You mean like he's sucking another guy's cock -?"

Wufei jabbed Quatre swiftly and painfully in the ribs, nodding his head in the direction of Heero's shocked face. "No - not like that at all. We don't know what it's like -"

"Could be like something going underwater," suggested Trowa, less than helpfully. "I directed that movie about the sea the other month -"

"Pleasure Island?" offered Quatre, helpfully. "Loved the eye patch..."

Wufei grinned. "And the morning wood -"

"- en leg," finished Quatre, with a smirk. The two of them winked at each other.

"No, the other one..." mused Trowa.

"Free Willies?" suggested Wufei.

The two costume-clad men exchanged rueful glances.

"Nearly drowned in that one," snapped Wufei. "Leaping up for that bloody beach ball -"

"Nearly lost your balls, honey," murmured Quatre. "That dive was rather more of a belly-flop!"

"The whole thing didn't work so well in the public baths," said Trowa, rather mournfully. "Couldn't get the right ocean effects -"

"The bubbles from Wufei's farts were pretty oceanic," sneered Quatre.

"And your Little Spermaid impression so failed to impress -" snapped back the dark-haired man, responding to the same mood.

"Needed the goggles on to keep out the glare of your ego -" hissed Quatre

"Needed the dildo to take the place of your shrivelled cock -!"

"It was damned cold that morning!" wailed Quatre.

Trowa sighed. The two of 'em bickered like this all the time. Perfect actors on camera - a pair of raging egos off.

"Is anyone offering any sensible advice here?" came Heero's rather plaintive cry.


"I can hear a humming noise now," said Trowa. He looked hopefully at his watch.

"Like singing? Does he sing?" said Quatre, hopefully. "We could do a re-run of Seven Pumps for Seven Peckers..."

"No, like something mechanical -"

"It's a new sex toy!" cried Quatre, gleefully. "Now I remember, a parcel came for him the other day - he wouldn't open it in front of me -"

"That's because you're a nosy little creep," hissed Wufei.

Heero still looked confused. "New toy? But we've tried them all. Together. When the samples come through, we always take a look together -"

Quatre snickered. "Just a look? I doubt that! What about the Vibrating Pleasure Probe?"

"Tried it."

"The Good Vibrations Waterproof G-Swirl?" said Trowa.

Heero nodded.

"The Robo Suck 2?" asked Wufei, interested now, despite himself.

"Did it."

"The Robo Suck 3 that giggles?" asked Quatre.

"That was my Christmas present!" complained Wufei.

"That one did me!" snickered Trowa. Quatre glared at him.

"Done them all," said Heero, thoughtfully. He didn't notice his companions' smirks. "Even that special Cock-n-Balls Erection Maker offer last month of Buy One, get Six Free..."

"Ohh! Ohh!! Seven!!!" sighed Quatre. "I was a perfect Ernst Blow-Well in that movie, wasn't I, Trowa?"

"Did all of them..." Heero said, rather wistfully. "Several times."

"So did I," grumbled Wufei. "Twelve Horny Men, if I remember rightly."

"Seen that, done that, got the tee shirt -" sniggered Quatre.

"Got the sore ass," grumbled Wufei.

"Isn't it always your ass!" hissed Quatre, unsympathetically.

Heero sighed loudly, but no-one was listening to him.

Quatre's eyes sparkled, and he looked sideways at Trowa. Rather coyly. "The giggling Robo Suck 3 sounds good, lover..."

Trowa grimaced. "For God's sake, not now, Quatre -!"

Wufei sighed, theatrically. "I'll lend it to you later. Try not to wear out the batteries - and keep the volume turned down. I'm in the trailer behind you two this week, and I need my rest - I have a mature public to please."

"And that cute boy from Catering..." muttered Quatre.

"I can't see what Duo would want to try out without me," said Heero, rather loudly.


The others exchanged looks - rolled their eyes. They were fond of Heero, but they didn't have the energy to waste worrying about anyone else's sexlife at the moment.

"Sometimes a guy just wants to be alone with his own feelings, Heero," said Quatre, sweetly. "With his own toys - his own fantasies -"

"His own fingers," muttered Trowa. It earned him another furious glare from Quatre.

"Relax, Heero," said Wufei, cheerfully. "You two are made for each other - dammit, we all know there's nothing doing with anyone else. You only do scenes where you fuck each other, don't you?"

"A match made in Hollywood," sighed Quatre. "Swingin' in the Rain", as I remember -"

"You're always at it like rabbits -" continued Wufei.

"Who Poked Roger Rabbit?" reminisced Quatre.

"You did," sneered Wufei, turning on him. "In scenes 7,8 and 26! I should report you to the ASPCA."

"But honey," grinned Quatre. "The fluffy ears were so adorable -!"

Trowa put a hand on Heero's arm. He had an hour or so's filming still due from today's daylight - else Sperminator II wouldn't be in the public's rental stores by the end of the month. He couldn't afford any of his actors to be anything less than their best.

"Ease up on Duo, OK? You're great together. Ever since that day I caught you both making out behind the refreshment trolley at the edge of the Spurtacocks crowd scene, and offered you jobs in the cast -"

"He couldn't believe you'd do it in such a public place," grinned Quatre.

"So many times," sighed Trowa.

"And so bloody noisily!" growled Wufei. "I can't be expected to perform with that racket going on, rattling all the damned sandwiches. I've never had to do a second take of the chariot scene before in my life!"

"I looked damned good in that toga," sighed Quatre, eyes misting over with the memory.

"Looked better out of it..." murmured Trowa.

Quatre continued, blithely, "I enjoyed the whole movie. Blood, guts, swords and shields -"

"Lube, rubs, probes and sheaths, more like!"" grinned Wufei. "All the latest latex...I was a damned fine Centurion!"

"Couldn't afford a hundred guys," sighed Trowa. "The budget, y'know..."

Quatre grimaced. "And then there was the horse shit, of course."

"It was damned realistic!" said Trowa, eager to remember his artistic successes.

"It stank," said Quatre.

"So did your auto-cueing," hissed Wufei. Quatre stuck out a flexible, extraordinarily long, and much-admired tongue at him.

"I don't know what I should do," said Heero.

They all looked round like they'd just remembered he was there.

"It'll be all right, Heero," said Trowa. "You're not the only one in the relationship, you know."

"What do you mean?" asked Heero, brow furrowed.

Trowa sighed - he was losing patience with the whole lot of 'em. Bloody actors! Nothing but angst and melodrama! "If you're wondering what Duo's up to, why don't you just ask him?"


Heero was glad to see the back of them, really, friends though they were. He needed some time alone, to think things out.

He was upset. He was embarrassed. More than that, he was a bit scared.

Wasn't Duo happy with him? Wasn't he satisfied? They'd been together for a long time now; perhaps he was bored of their sex life. Perhaps he'd found something - or someone - else to excite him.

Heero didn't like to ask him outright, like Trowa had suggested.

He didn't want to know the answer, did he?


Duo bustled round their trailer, carrying mugs and plates and just generally clearing up.

"Do you want a hot drink, Heero? Oh, sorry - I forgot you don't like 'em. I'll make you a juice..." He was a bit concerned at Heero's mood this evening - he seemed rather quiet.

He was a bit less concerned when Heero caught out at him as he passed, running a hand up the inside of his thigh. "Do you want to try something new tonight, Duo?" he murmured. Duo paused, china rattling in his hands, and his body shivered with anticipation.

"Something new?" he breathed. "Like a new position?"

"I - yes, sure," said Heero. "Though I can't think of anything at the moment..."

He thought that Duo's shoulders slumped, but he wasn't sure. He heard him let out a breath, and then he turned in Heero's grasp and kissed him, thoroughly.

"Me neither! Can't think of any position we haven't tried, professionally or personally!" he said, cheerfully. "You gettin' bored of me, lover?"

"Of course not!" protested Heero. How could that ever be? Duo was a bright, lively light in his life - Duo was an amazing, exciting gift for him, every morning that he woke up beside him. He loved every word that came out of Duo's mouth - loved every movement of the slim, athletic body. Duo was his best friend, his dearest companion, and he could never imagine living without him. Duo was also an astonishingly good and generous and uninhibited lover...

Heero thought he was blushing. He'd never quite managed to stop that, when he thought of Duo in an erotic way.

Duo put the crockery down carefully, pushed him back down on to the bench, and sat on his lap. His legs were warm and tight around Heero's thighs; his chest pressed comfortingly at Heero's own. He started ticking the memories off on his fingers.

"Sooo...positions, right? In bed - obvious. Out of bed - also obvious. But also half out of bed; head alone in bed; feet alone in bed. One leg up - both legs up. Against the wall - over the sink - across the chair. Hanging from the door - up the stairs - standing on my head -"

"You fell over -" reminded Heero.

"Yeah, right!" grinned Duo. "Your pubic hair tickled my butt, and your smelly feet made me lose concentration!"

Heero flushed hotly. "Hey, they weren't -!"

"Joke, love," murmured Duo. Heero was impossibly cute when he blushed like that - he did it whenever Duo talked dirty. It just encouraged Duo to do it again and again...!

Heero was strong and loyal and very bright, and Duo had been thrilled when he agreed to them becoming lovers. Agreed very eagerly...! In fact, his mouth had been round Duo's cock within the minute, and that was when they'd still been driving back home. They'd been inseparable ever since. Duo had never been so content - never felt so close to someone. He adored Heero - he'd do anything for Heero. Had, in fact, done a tremendous lot already...

The memories made him feel rather hot, himself.


He ghosted his lips at the lobe of Heero's ear. "What about a new place, then?"

Heero flushed even more. A smile teased at the corners of his mouth.

"In the trailer - outside of the trailer..." mused Duo. "In the elevator..."

"Old news," murmured Heero. "Too many stories about that already."

"In the car park -"

"Floors 2,3 and 5," sighed Heero. He felt a warm ripple inside his pants.

"In the pool - in the showers -"

"Men's and women's..." The memory of the rushed activity and the enforced silence and the overwhelming threat of a horde of young girls bursting into the cubicle -

"In the changing rooms - I had to buy that pair of jeans I was trying on after you came all over them!"

"On the ironing board -"

"In the photo booth -" Duo winced at an uncomfortable memory.

"Yeah," grumbled Heero. "The spiral seat..."

"The back of the coach -"

"In that dumpster truck - in Quatre's car -" Heero was joining in. His lap was getting very warm, and Duo's wriggling buttocks didn't help any.

"On Wufei's motorbike," hissed Duo.

"And the skateboard," groaned Heero. "I still have the scars on my elbows."

Duo smirked. He let his hands drop to Heero's lap, and he started to fondle his lover's swelling cock. The material of Heero's pants strained with frustration; a damp patch threatened to appear.

"On Trowa's chair - behind the Ancient Rome scenery..."

"In Quatre's trailer," whispered Heero. He was desperately aroused now.

Duo snickered. "Yeah... that was the best, wasn't it? Sneaking in through the door and hiding between the cooker and the bench seat, having to keep out of sight of the kitchen window..."

"While Quatre and Trowa were in the bunk in the next compartment -"

Heero groaned again. It had been one of the most exciting times of all! The erotic thrill of slipping hands into Duo's shorts and fondling his cock; the frustration of both of them biting their lip to stay silent. The background sound of those cute little hiccups that Quatre made, as he got more and more aroused. It was his sexual signature in all his movies.

"Wriggling your body between my thighs..." Duo breathed hotly into his ear now. "Pushing my shorts down. Lifting my leg up over your arms and wedging me on to your hips -"

The sound of Trowa's grunts and Quatre's whimpering as Trowa prepared his ass...

"Unzipping your jeans - trying not to make any noise and disturb the other guys. Rubbing your hard cock up and down my belly, all wet and slippery with pre-cum and throbbing hard -"

Trying to keep their footing against the enthusiastic rocking of the trailer, as Trowa thrust into Quatre...

"Guiding your hot, wet cock into me -"

The moans from Trowa as he came fiercely inside the blond, and Quatre's low, unscripted growls of encouragement, urging him on to empty himself inside him -

"You wanna try the trailer game again?" whispered Duo, mischievously. He just managed to put his hands out in time to catch himself as Heero rolled him off his lap and on to the floor. Zips rasped; cloth ripped; greedy tongues clashed. Duo's pants were round his knees when Heero flipped him face down, and hauled his hips up to his groin. Heero's own cock was hot and thick and insistent; it demanded payback for the teasing!

"Later then, maybe -? " Duo gasped, and spread his ass most willingly.

Their trailer rocked enthusiastically for quite some time after that.


The four young men were outside Heero's trailer again. It was the next day.

"But he never locks the door!" said Heero, his voice a little petulant.

"We know that," grumbled Wufei. "That's why, when it's ajar, we can all hear you banging him over the table -"

"- bed -"

" - fridge -"

"- from as far away as the refreshment trailer," added Quatre.

"Morning, noon and night," completed Trowa.

"Not every morning," muttered Heero. "And these damned trailers are made of nothing thicker than cardboard -"

"So how come we can't hear clearly what he's saying tonight?" asked Quatre, curiously. Heero stared at him - the blond was dressed only in a scrap of loincloth that left nothing to the imagination; he seemed to have left his thong behind in his own wardrobe. He had stripes of paint on his face; a couple of feathers twisted provocatively in his hair. He also had his ear pressed against the side of the trailer again.

"What the hell are you today?" asked Heero.

"Lust of the Mohicans," Quatre shrugged, apologetically.

Wufei snickered something about wanting to show him his tomahawk.

"Get away from the trailer," warned Heero. "I'll deal with this later myself!"


Duo was finishing a long and involved game of solitaire that only he seemed to know the rules of. He lay on his stomach on the bunk, legs bent up in the air behind him, tapping his heels occasionally on his pert little ass. He was still dressed in jodhpurs - they'd been filming a background scene for Sex and Shagability - but had thrown everything else off. Heero gazed with pure delight for a while.

Then he swallowed - hard.

"Look, Duo - I have to say something, OK?"

Duo turned his head to the side and looked up at Heero. He wondered why his face was so red, and his voice so strangled. He put down the banana he'd been eating while he played cards. "OK - sure. What's up?"

"Is there something you'd like me to do, Duo?"

"You mean - like the laundry?" Duo looked puzzled.

"No!" Heero almost yelled. The trailer shook a little. "I mean sexually! Is there something you'd like specifically? Something you're not getting?"

Duo rolled over and sat up. He stared at his lover for a moment.

"What's this about, Heero? Why the sudden concern? The unselfish gestures?"

"What? You mean I'm usually selfish? That I'm not concerned for you?"

Duo pursed his lips, stubbornly not replying to that. "I'm happy with everything we do. You know that. I don't want someone else."

"But you want something else!"

"Who says?"

"I say! Don't you?"

"So you say. What do I want, then?"

"I don't know, do I, that's why I'm bloody asking -!"

Things deteriorated rapidly after that.

They parted on angry terms - not that there was anywhere to part to. Heero lay on the bunk alone, listening to Trowa's trailer creak away beside theirs, and cursing his sharp temper.

Duo sat curled up on the bench seat in the kitchen, eating chocolate and whooping his own ass at poker. And cursing Heero's sharp temper.


Heero thought a lot about Duo's strange behaviour - at his suspicion when Heero had offered to consider whatever he thought was lacking in their relationship. His assessment of Heero's sensitivity had been rather cruel.

He was always concerned for Duo's pleasure and well-being, wasn't he?

Always made sure he caressed him well...
...let him have full use of all the toys...
...prepared him well...
...made sure he came every time.

What the hell more did he want?

Heero tried to feel angry and aggrieved.

He just felt miserable.


"Where's Duo, then?" asked Trowa. "For God's sake, I need you both on the bloodlust set for Van Cockring!"

"He's reading the script in his trailer," said Heero. His voice was rather quiet. "He won't talk to me."

"Don't care about that, so long as he spreads 'em on cue for you!" growled Trowa. He'd had a bad night. Quatre had been up until the small hours, attempting the method school of acting on his heroic role as the vampire hunter. Trowa had been unsympathetic when the blond talked about motivation and back-story, though he enjoyed the practical neck-biting practice. They'd finished the night on fairly bad terms as well. It happened.

Heero scowled back.

Trowa reached over to Heero to give what he hoped was an encouraging pat on the back. He prided himself on a variety of management skills. "You're still worried about what he's been up to, I know. Just be a bit more subtle, OK?"

"What do you mean? How?"

"Look for clues! Like in my detective series - Come Quietly -"

"Remember The Case of the Vanishing Family Jewels," grinned Quatre.

"Reminds me of my sore ass again," moaned Wufei.

"I was a spectacular Inspector Sphincter in that," sighed Quatre, remembering glories past.

"All right, Mr DeMille, I'm ready for my blow-job now," whined Wufei, in a fairly good impression of the ageing Gloria Swanson doing an impression of Quatre. Quatre swiped out at him and missed.

"Like I need my two leading actors with bloody noses!" groaned Trowa. "Get back on set or there's gonna be nothing blowing for anyone*!"


Heero thought Duo was keeping secrets.

Duo thought Heero was acting like a jealous, distrustful prick.

Apart from that, things were fine.

Heero had taken Trowa's advice and searched the trailer. Like - how many places could you hide something in a shared home? He'd found nothing but the usual assortment of sex toys and bondage equipment that they always travelled with.

It had been a strangely poignant, yet exciting time. A bit like looking through the family album, he thought. He'd found the Beaded Anal Vibe a comfort to run through his fingers; the Ball Slapping Vibro Pouch had brought back many happy memories. Duo still kept Heero's Bend Over Bondage Beginners Kit under the bunk - and when he found their matching Mould a Willy kits, he found the tears pricking the corners of his eyes.

When Duo came back to the trailer with an armful of new scripts and a mouth filled with doughnut, Heero was sitting on the bunk rather mournfully, with a half-empty jar of Penis Balm Orgasm Booster in his hand. He didn't even give Duo a chance to wipe the sugar from his mouth. He jumped him there and then, and for quite some time their arguments were forgotten.


"Duo still not talking to you?" Quatre had an irritatingly smug look on his face. He had a crossbow slung over his shoulder and one of his trademark hats. The brief leather shorts were the only other item of costume.

"We're fine," mumbled Heero. He was slouched over one of the set chairs. He'd left the trailer before breakfast, just to get away from the icy tension. The sex had been brilliant - of course it had! - but the next day had dawned as gloomy as ever.

"You've annoyed him!" announced Quatre.

"Embarrassed him, more like," said Wufei, coming over to join them. He and Quatre exchanged looks. "OK - so maybe not Duo."

"Not the man who rode bareback in Prick and Perversion -" said Quatre.

"Who followed strict instructions in You only Come Twice -" said Wufei.

"Unlike you," smirked Quatre. He was sharing several scenes with Wufei today - he was looking forward to showing the arrogant actor that he wasn't the uke wimp he thought. "Couldn't stop you on Cumming 2 Fast, 2 Furious, thrashing away on top of that poor street racer!" He slipped into a frighteningly accurate impression of Wufei's 'stage' voice. "Oh please let me pimp your ride, boy! Let me pass this torque wrench between your strong, demolition-derby-driving legs -!"

"Were you improvising on my script, Wufei?" asked Trowa, sternly. Neither of them had heard him approach, and Wufei jumped.

"Wufei Chang - the Great Balls of China!" Quatre scoffed.

"So-called because I'm hung like a Mandarin -" began Wufei, launching into his resume.

"And spurts like a squashed Satsuma!" snickered Quatre.

"That's a foul rumour!" snarled Wufei. "Put about by my jealous rivals!"

"Goddamn the pair of you!" groaned Trowa. "Get Duo out here and into that bloody cloak!"


Heero had had another key cut. He couldn't believe he was doing this, sneaking in on his dearest love. Well, there wasn't much dearest love at the moment between them! They fucked as enthusiastically as ever, but in the non-conjoined time they argued and sneered and generally sniped at each other.

He knew that there were still periods of time when Duo went missing - when he locked the door of the trailer - when the disturbing noises could be heard.

Duo hadn't volunteered any explanation to Heero. Heero would be damned before he asked.

Nor had Heero sought anyone's advice about tonight's adventure. He was acting on his own instincts. Involving everyone else had just been confusing, hadn't it? This was between him and Duo - he had to sort this out between them, once and for all. He could take whatever disappointment came his way, so long as he knew the truth.

Yeah, right... he thought, wondering whether Duo would want to leave before or after their filming schedule finished, and shocked at the pain he felt in his chest. Like that's true.

He pushed the door just a slight way ajar. It was early evening - there were no lights on in the trailer. He felt damned guilty. But he'd never had any reason to doubt Duo before, had he? They'd never kept secrets before; they shared every lust, every desire; every sordid, seedy fantasy -

He stepped silently into the darkened compartment and peered round, his eyes adjusting to the half-light.

He couldn't think straight for a minute.

He saw Duo, stark naked and knelt on all fours on their bunk. He was leaning forward, clutching something underneath him - his pale, tight ass shone in the dim light of the outside lamps, and there was a thin sheen of sweat on his buttocks. Heero couldn't count the times he'd gazed lovingly - and longingly - at those buttocks, as he'd slipped most satisfyingly into Duo's hole.

Duo's hips were moving backwards and forwards - in a rather familiar thrusting motion. Heero couldn't make out what he was actually doing - but whatever the shape was under his belly, it was rippling along with him, jerking with every move of his body; making a soft, suckling noise alongside Duo's own heavy breathing. There was a gentle background hum, like something charging up. He knew that Duo probably hadn't heard him enter - he was too engrossed in what he was doing.

What was he doing?

Duo moved a little, and Heero could finally see everything on the bed properly.

Then Duo's mouth opened too, and there was no doubt at all as to what he was doing.

"Ahhh - so tight -" he groaned. "Gonna come so hard in your tight ass, Heero -!"

Heero stared at Duo's straining body; at his moist mouth. His tongue stuck out a little, like it did when he was very aroused.

He stared at the shiny, latex doll impaled under Duo's body, legs flapping either side of Duo's bucking hips, sucking his desperate, thrusting cock into its shiny, man-made orifice.

He stared even more closely at the shape of the doll - at the slim, dark-coloured limbs; at the masculine shape of legs and butt; at the shock of thick, unruly, darkly artificial hair on its head.

As Duo groaned particularly loudly, and started to shudder with his imminent climax, Heero opened his mouth and wailed.


They sat together on the bed. Things had calmed down now. Duo had pulled on a tee shirt, and kicked the pump under the bunk out of sight. The rather limp doll had been relegated to his other side, where Heero was trying to avoid looking at it - though it had a strange fascination for him. It was still rather sticky from Duo's accident, when Heero had surprised him just as he was coming.

"I never knew you wanted to be seme," Heero said. He sounded a little bewildered.

"I never said," Duo replied. He didn't seem to want to meet Heero's eyes.

"I never asked, though!" groaned Heero. "How did I miss it? We always talk about what we want - what we'd like -"

"I thought you didn't like it - that you'd be upset. I'm always happy to be uke." Duo's smile was a little twisted.

"Trowa never casts us as anything else..." said Heero, thoughtfully.

"Trowa knows jackshit about what we're really like on our own!" said Duo, forcefully.

He looked up now, and they smiled at each other.

"All these positions..." said Heero.

"And places..." sighed Duo.

"And toys..." Heero spoke slowly and carefully. "But we always end up with me inside you."

"It's great, Heero," protested his lover.

"But so are other things."

Duo tried to see Heero's expression in the dim light. "You mean you'd try it?"

"I - well, I don't know - we're due back on set later tonight -"

He risked a glance at Duo's face and saw the misery there. He had no excuse, really, except nerves. And all he'd ever wanted to do was please Duo.

"Trowa can wait," he said, keeping the tremor out of his voice. "It's only an orgy scene, and Wufei's enlisted most of the catering team to offer their services for that." He put a hand out and rested it on Duo's naked thigh.

They moved together almost hesitantly - like a first time. They kissed, and Heero felt the flame of desire flash through him as strong as ever. At least Duo wasn't tired of him; wasn't going to leave him. At least Duo hadn't been unfaithful to him...

Duo's hand stroked softly at his ass, teasing the seam of his jeans down the crack of his buttocks. He knew the excited tremble of his lover's hand - very well. He had to admit that there was an answering shiver in his own groin.

"Show me, Duo," he whispered. "Show me what you want!"


"Where's Heero and Duo?" yelled Trowa. "How the hell am I meant to make The Four Muffkateers with two of 'em missing? Time's money, you know!"

"Troubles back at the ranch," said Quatre, eyes rolling back towards Heero's trailer. "Little Hump on the Prairie it ain't! I haven't seen 'em for an hour or so - but they were arguing again for most of the day."

"I thought they'd made up," growled Trowa. "I've rescheduled this orgy scene twice this week already! Dammit, we'll have to shoot the later scenes now, instead. You know how I feel about continuity! Quatre - get your doublet and hose off and spread 'em for your King!"

"I thought I did that last night," smirked Quatre, softly.

Trowa didn't even blush. He wasn't a professional for nothing! "I'm your Director now, keep your tush on the job and your sword in its scabbard until I tell you to draw the damned thing!"

"Ego, ego..." muttered Wufei, adjusting a rather shabbily constructed crown on top of his outrageously curly wig.

Trowa leant towards Quatre, and his tone dropped a little. "Then maybe I'll give you some royal jelly tonight... you always look very cute in feathers..."

Quatre swept his Royalist courtier's hat off in mock obeisance. Imagined doing that later dressed in only his thong -

"Don't you love him when he's doing his directing?" hissed Wufei in his other ear. He was peering down at Quatre's groin. "Looks like your non-Guild member thinks so too!"

"Uh-huh," grinned the blond. "A crown looks good on you too, sweetie!"


They'd done it twice - Heero had asked for them to go again. From the look in his eye, he might have been getting addicted. Duo scrambled out of bed to get a drink - he wondered if they still had one of those high-energy cans in the fridge; he thought he might need it tonight.

When he tottered back to bed, half-erect cock twitching happily between his legs, Heero was glaring at the doll. It had been left at the bottom of the bunk - it was almost totally deflated now, and Heero was reading the name on the manufacturer's marking.

"Did it have to have a name?" he hissed.

Duo flushed. "I - they asked me to specify the name I wanted. Along with the skin type - and the hair colour. It's a very expensive model, Heero -"

"Am I meant to be flattered?" he growled.

"I thought you might be," replied Duo. He couldn't help the grin that was spreading across his face. "Horny Heero - I thought it was pretty accurate!"

He quoted, straight-faced, from the catalogue. "This classy and very sexy doll features a classically moulded face with a realistic sucking mouth controlled by hand pump bulb, and a macho figure, complete with tight multi-speed vibrating anus. Horny Heero is a boy that simply loves to please, and has all the accessories to deliver the goods..."

Heero stared at him - then he opened the small window over the bunk, picked up the doll, and hurled the whole thing outside.

"Cost me last week's wages -" grumbled Duo.

"Gonna get a far better investment in here," sighed Heero, patting the mattress beside him. Duo scooted up on to the bed, and was pulled down into another embrace.

"Though it did have a cute ass..." mumbled Heero, through Duo's possessive kisses.

Duo grinned into his neck, where he was currently sucking a satisfactorily large mark. "Almost as good as the real thing, eh? Roll over, Yuy, and let me have another look. Gotta do a quality check on all your accessories -"

More laughing and gasping, and Duo's tongue sliding into crevices where it'd never been before.

Heero groaned as he was prepared for invasion again. "So where were you hiding - it?"

Now Duo laughed aloud. "You've been nosing around, haven't you? Trying to find out what I've been doing! I hid it in the teapot - you never have a hot drink. It folds up to quite a useful and discreetly compact size, just ready to await my every whim -"

"Like I am?" hissed Heero.

"Jealous of a doll, Heero?" smirked Duo. He was enjoying seeing this needy side of his lover. His cock was making a fully committed attempt now at a return to erection. It was all due to the sight of Heero's scowl and his long, lean, sweaty limbs, and the delicious promise of those very limbs spread wide, and his ass tilted up towards Duo's shaft, begging for it to take him -

Heero was protesting he was no such thing as jealous, it was only a lump of latex, and then he was protesting that Duo hadn't given him enough time to recover and his ass was sore, and then he was protesting that Duo wasn't close enough; wasn't stretching his thighs wide enough apart; wasn't kissing him enough; wasn't fucking him hard enough -!

The protests died away in the face of the ecstatic cries from both of them.


Quatre, Trowa and Wufei met by Trowa's trailer, though their attention was riveted towards the other nearby trailer. It had been rocking for half an hour or so. There'd been shrieks, and laughing, and then some loud, urgent shouts.

"They made up again?" asked Trowa. "Am I going to get this movie schedule finished this side of Christmas?"

"I can't find the giggling Robo Suck 3," grumbled Wufei. "Have those sex maniacs taken it again?"

Quatre and Trowa exchanged a knowing look.

"I don't think they're in the market for orgasm enhancement at the moment," said Trowa. There'd been enough graphic yells from the trailer for them all to share in Duo's extensive exploration of Heero's ass, whether they were interested or not. And Heero obviously had his mind on his own personal epiphany this night.

"What have you got there?" asked Wufei, staring at Quatre.

"An early Christmas gift," smirked Quatre. "Remember Santa Claus is Cumming to Town?" He produced the latex doll from under his arm.

"But that looks like -"

"Uh-huh," said Quatre, smugly. "You see, there's the small matter of payback for that time they sneaked secretly into my trailer and fucked away happily - and noisily as always - while I was in the middle of a script conference with Trowa..."

Wufei snickered. He met Quatre's stare - and they grinned at each other like the conspirators they were.


Heero knelt up on his bunk and peered out of the small window. The night was dark, but with the lights from the other trailers he could see Quatre waving at him. He opened the window, and then Quatre held up the doll and smirked. Wufei appeared at his side.

"Looks just like you, Heero!" he called.

"No it fucking doesn't!" Heero snapped back.

"The Thin Man..." said Wufei, pinching the deflated legs between his fingers.

"The Laddie Vanishes -" snickered Quatre, poking at the sticky folds of latex with glee.

"Farewell My Rubbery?" smirked Wufei, and then the two of them were laughing loudly, overwhelmed by their own schoolboy wit.

Heero sighed, resigned to their ways. Why was he always the butt of the jokes, not Duo? Hadn't it been Duo that had bought it? Duo that had caused all this mystery and hilarity? Not that he hadn't learned to take most of the banter by now. Lust for Duo had a way of sweeping away all inhibitions.

Duo stirred behind him and sleepily stroked at his thighs. "Come back here, Horny Heero," he mumbled. "My own personal Action Man..."

Heero smiled. Nothing mattered when he had Duo.

Nothing at all.

Last he saw, as he closed the window, was Quatre hopping across the field towards Trowa's trailer, laughing and waving the doll like a trophy flag above his head.

Last he heard, as he sank back down to fold himself over and under his lover, was Quatre's loud and eager cry.

"Trowa - Mister Director! Got room in the script for a Fifth Muffketeer?"


[back to Fancy Figures' fic]