Part 9 (cont)
"I want you, Duo."
I know, I know, my body nodded to him...
"No," he murmured in my ear, as if I'd said it aloud. "Not just the sex..."
That's all I know! the sorry part of me wanted to cry. That's what I'm
good at - what I understand. If we move beyond that - what fucking success
do I have with relationships?
"The sex has distracted us, hasn't it? But it's a disturbance beyond that..."
"Is that how you see me?" I laughed, lightly. Trying for that insouciant
air, that I normally do so well. "I'm disturbing as well?"
He laughed out loud, and I was shocked with how harsh it sounded. His
chest shook against mine - his hands tightened on me, in case I drew away.
"I have no control here, Duo! But I've always been used to being in control;
I've always been the one people deferred to. It's what I do - it's what
"I'm adrift, Duo! I have been for as long as I've known you. The ropes
slipped their knots that very first time, though I'd never have admitted
it. That first time, when the danger was no longer entirely mine ... I
couldn't put it into words - I don't do that. That's what I kept saying
to myself. But I was consumed with the need I had, to have you again.
To hold you - to fuck you - just to see you again. I saw you with
your friends, and not with me - I saw you laugh, and walk away, and argue
with me, and touch me where I didn't ask -"
I couldn't recognise the Heero I knew. Or - let's face it - thought I
knew. Strange, intimate words were tumbling out of him, and into my ear
and my neck, but the breath was warm, so it must be real, mustn't it?
The hands on my waist were the ones that had lifted me on and off the
kitchen table. The lips that blossomed at my cheek were the ones that
had kissed me, and teased at my nipples under the sheets in the dark...
It was Heero - and it wasn't. And my whole body welcomed it.
The low voice thrilled as always - but it was less than entirely steady.
"You've taught me many things, Duo. Whether you meant to or not - and
whether I was willing to learn or not. I'm learning to be angry - to be
desperate. To be unsure...To question myself. To open my mouth
to talk, not just to demand..." He sighed. "It's my turn to say what I
want, yes? I want you." His lips whispered over my forehead, and
I felt my face turning up to him. "I want your body - I want to be inside
you. Every night. I want your hair loose and spread over my skin. I want
your hands teasing at my thighs; I want your generous mouth over my cock,
He was almost kissing me; almost. There was a millimetre of hot, charged
breath between our mouths. I wanted him so badly that my heart had stopped
and was tapping its watch, waiting for connection.
"When I eat, I want you. When I walk, I want you. When I smile, when I
dress, when I wash - I want you. When I breathe..."
"Shit..." I gasped. "When you learn to talk, you talk, y'know?"
He ignored me. Or rather - he kissed me. Just with his lips; firm, moist,
plump lips, that pressed his need into mine, and breathed his desire through
I kissed back - I took it further. I pressed my tongue to the sides of
his mouth; I lapped at him until he opened his lips, and I slid in. Who
was in control now? No-fucking-one, I sighed to myself. He tasted of tension
and anger and sweet, sweet lust, but underneath it all he tasted of Heero.
Pure man. Pure proud, arrogant, newly-lyrical man.
"What does it mean, Duo?" he murmured. His tongue responded; he thrust
into my mouth, and his fingers tightened fiercely on my arms. I felt the
stirring hardness in his groin, through the soft cloth of the sweats.
Christ, those were the days, eh? "Tell me what you really think of all
I drew back, licking at the delicious taste of his saliva that lingered
on my tongue. I trailed a hand on his chest - I couldn't resist the touch
of that warm flesh any more. He shivered.
"It's the best thing I've ever had, Heero."
"And maybe the worst as well..."
He looked startled. "Isn't that what we've been saying? It needn't be.
We can just do what we want -"
I smiled a little. "I can't do impulse any more, Heero. Look where it's
"You - did -"
"Yeah." I sounded rueful. "Damn, it was great! But now I'm fucked, in
all senses of the word. It'll take me months to get over it again." It
was, 'praps, an attempt at a joke. 'Praps I meant it.
He was tension personified again - I felt his body straighten, and his
hands lift off me. "Why do you need to?"
He didn't understand, of course. "What do you think, Heero? Don't you
see where we are this morning? There's a dead boy in the next room, and
a psychotic maniac out there, looking to destroy both you and your livelihood.
You're a man with a life and a persona I never knew existed - and I'm
just fucking worn out with turning it all over in my head, and
finding I'm not what I thought, either. You think we can just roll back
into bed, and things are gonna trip along the same way as ever?"
"What do you want, then?" he asked again. With more than a note of frustration.
"Do you want me to abandon it all? Do you want to take it all to the cops
and bring it all down around me, and see me -"
"What?" My voice was gentle, and it asked him to finish his thought. His
face screwed up with confusion.
"I won't ask that," I said. I put my fingers to his face, and traced the
worry line across his forehead. His hair brushed my skin - his breath
huffed against my wrist.
His face changed, then. He seemed to draw himself up, and the cool mask
slipped efficiently back over his features. He was, again, the Heero Yuy
I had met that first time - the man who had nodded to me, oh so slightly,
and lifted a glass in invitation. The man who owned the place. Who owned
a lot of things. But not me.
And he knew it.
"You said you wanted to get out of this life, Duo. Perhaps I do, too."
I gaped. But he wasn't looking for my agreement, or even my sympathy.
He was just stating his case.
"I want the chance to be different. Now I've met you. Isn't that what
you wanted for yourself?"
"I - " I blathered. "I - yes, I guess so. "
"I want out, Duo."
God, it sounded so simple, the words oozing from his mouth! Heero was
a man who'd rarely been refused anything in his life. A man whose confidence
and personal charisma might well make anything happen.
"Heero - I said I won't ask that. And do you think it'd be that easy?
How would you do it? To become Mr Ordinary, like me...Would you drop it
all? Bankrupt yourself? Sell your businesses? Let Shad take over? I don't
see that happening, somehow... and there's still the little matter of
Kai's death, and our own little contribution in the bedroom. There are
too many things coming out in the open now - way beyond just us."
"Yeah. Shad. He mustn't be left free, Heero. The killing's got to stop
- there's got to be some end to this."
"Yes, I know. And you, Duo?"
"You said it - there's more to this than just us, isn't there? This whole
night - the crazed child... the reminders of your own previous life..."
"Yeah," I sighed. "There's a hell of a lot more to this than just
"You won't ask me to change... not even when I want to be with you..."
I hushed him, with my fingers on his lips. Damn, they were rich
"I want to be with you as well. But I got things to do - to sort out."
He stared at me. There was the ripple of something on the heavy flesh
of his mouth; my fingers stroked it away.
"So what will you do, Heero?"
He swallowed - I felt the soft vibration in his throat. "I think that's
up to you, now, isn't it?"
To me? But I knew what he meant.
"Ahh, Duo...Come here..." It was his pleading voice again, and I just
knew I wasn't gonna be refusing that...He was moving back towards
me. I was leaning towards him. He held out a hand, and I raised
mine to match it.
"What do you want?" he whispered, yet again.
"What are you offering?" I murmured. I let a smile slide across my face.
He smiled as well, then, and shrugged. "According to you, I have nothing
to offer you, Duo."
Ahh... "No, that's not true," I replied. My fingers spread slightly, and
reached for his; five fingertips touched five others, and pressed gently
together. It was an electric feeling - the current ran swiftly and shockingly
through my veins. Our fingers slid slowly down, and interlocked. His palm
was slightly sweaty.
"You have so much to offer - and so much that I want. That I need,"
"But I can't take you up on it."
I went back into the bedroom, and stared at the mess.
At the boy lying bleeding on the floor. I stared at the wound for a long
time, and knew that the flow had stopped, and the glistening had started
to coagulate into a dark, maroon stain.
It reminded me of Wufei.
I knew now that it wasn't my fault that Wufei died. He was still dead,
of course - and the pain still wrenched at me. But some of the terrible
guilt had eased. I'd been part of the world that had killed him - but
it hadn't been my hand that had harmed him. It hadn't been my order that
had sent Baz to kill him; it hadn't been my negligence that had led him
to that spot, that night.
His words were still clear to me; his cool wisdom - his unassuming friendship.
His desire to help others; and not in some insincere, sanctimonious way.
His steady belief that I could be better.
And I knew so clearly now, what my way should be.
I came back into the lounge, and Heero was still standing. But he looked
steady on his feet now. Actually, he looked damn gorgeous, as ever. He'd
slipped a thin tee-shirt on, of some satin fabric; dark blue. He looked
respectably dressed, and yet I could see the movement of muscles under
the cloth - the hint of erect nipples, that made him look erotically half-naked.
He'd run a hand through his hair, and the dark locks curled back over
his ears. He displayed a casual elegance that I'd never seen anyone else
do so well.
I knew who he was, now. I knew some of what he'd done. I knew less of
lots of other things. I knew I'd told him how I felt about him - and he'd
returned the compliment. I didn't think he was gonna lie to me so much
Part of me didn't mind either way. I had my truth. And, anyway - what
did it matter now?
I drew a deep breath, but I wasn't afraid. Just needed to bring things
back under control. "I must call the cops now, Heero."
A flash in those eyes. He'd obviously been thinking things through as
well, while I was out of the room. "Yes. I know that."
"I have things I gotta tell 'em..."
He inclined his head, in that way he had. The curls behind his ears slipped
out to caress his face. His eyes were hooded.
"And if I tell 'em about Kai - and Shad, and Baz...which I will...well,
there's no way, Heero, that it won't come back on you. We both know that,
don't we? Even if the murders can be pinned to poor, stupid Baz. Even
if they catch Shad - especially if they catch Shad. I can't see
him going down without dragging everyone else with him. Even me, perhaps..."
Damn man, I thought. Now is not the time to return to monosyllabic
"Is that what you want, Duo?"
This was so fucking difficult... "I want to tell them. I want to get myself
clear, at last. But - I don't want you as part of it." Was that selfish
of me? Was that even possible?
"So, Heero - like I said - what'll you do?"
He pursed his lips. I leaned, involuntarily, towards them. He looked like
he'd been making decisions as well.
"Give me a couple of hours. Just two. Before you call. To allow me to
"The gun?" I asked.
He shook his head. "It's not registered anywhere."
The answering smile was slight, but it was there. "It's not in my name.
It wouldn't be traced back to me."
I laughed lightly. "You're a non-person, aren't you, Heero?"
He was silent. The chill spread slowly across my body.
"You're gonna run, aren't you? You're gonna go away, so they won't find
His eyes met mine, and the dark chasms were hiding both fear and decision.
"There are too many things that would drag me into it, Duo. If you open
even one of those avenues with the police, it will rebound on me and mine.
I would resist it - I would make a case for my own personal innocence,
and I'd win it, perhaps. But I can't afford to be gathered up in it all
now. Shad is still loose, and can do too much damage - and the businesses
here are too vulnerable. With Kai's death, there'll be confusion and lost
direction; someone of the family needs to hang on to what we can. But
we're all vulnerable - and dangerously so. This family has enemies
inside and outside the law. I need to work on salvaging what I can - but
not from here. I would take my turn as the scapegoat."
"Your work here - your life -"
He shrugged, very lightly. Though I knew he wasn't really careless of
it all. "It must be left for a while. There's no other choice. There are
some people I can trust - I'll make what arangements I can."
"Will there be anything left to come back to -?"
His eyes flashed. "I don't want to tell you anything about that, Duo.
Do you understand?"
Yeah, I did. He didn't want me to know anything that might incriminate
me. Or 'praps he just meant that there wasn't gonna be anything left for
him to return to. Or 'praps he wasn't gonna return...
"They'll come after you -"
"The police?" He shook his head slightly. "I don't think so. Or not for
long. There's not enough I can give them, to make it worth the resources.
They want Kai, and his organisation - and they want the murderers. They'll
have that. You'll make sure of that. And if they do come after me - well,
I won't be easy to find."
"If they can't find you, Heero - neither will I. Will I?"
He stared at me. "No, you won't."
"Come with me, Duo."
He stepped forward, and although I tensed, I let him take hold of me again.
"Come with me."
I mean - people describe some of the defining moments of their life as
the hardest thing they've ever faced, don't they? The most painful decision
they've ever made; the most heart-wrenching choice they've ever taken.
I mean - it's just shit, really, isn't it? To be in that position...
And I was.
His hands, tight on me. His knee, brushing mine. The whole smell of him;
the remembered taste.
"I must stay here."
It seemed very easy now, to explain. To put into words; the way that I
was gonna be now.
"It's my promise, Heero, y'see. My promise to myself and to Wufei." A
promise bound by a wound.
"I'm gonna accept the past. And then lose it! I'm moving on - but properly
this time. I'll accept the great friends that I have - treasure 'em. Let
them help me with all those issues - all my baggage. Accept -"
I met his eyes. "Accept relationships, if they come along.
"I wanted to live up to what he wanted - what Wufei thought I was capable
of. What I deserved. But I've been taking the line of least resistance
for years - constantly pitching below standard; doing only enough to get
by. So as not to be noticed.
"My past was always with me - that's where I thought I belonged.
I couldn't see anyone could ever forget it. I couldn't seem to forget
"So that's how I'm gonna be now!" My voice was jarringly bright in the
silent room. "I'm gonna make my own choices, and ask myself exactly what
I want - and I'll live it properly. Set the slate clean. Build up some
respect for the guy I'm waking up with each morning. Start again with
some more realistic goals. And they'll be mine; and they'll be honest.
"And my choice is to stay here. To do what needs to be done to stop this
mess before it gets worse. You know that, though, don't you?"
He stood like a statue. Only the hitch of his breath, and the pulse in
his throat showed me that he was listening.
"it's - it's partly to do with you, Heero, y'know? Meeting you
- finding you. And that's what makes it so bad. So fucking bad...
"I want this new me, Heero." My voice had raised. "But I don't - Heero,
I don't wanna do this for what it does to us."
When he spoke, the sound rippled round me like I was in some kinda deprivation
tank; I could barely make out coherent words. I hadn't realised how tightly
I was holding on to my senses.
"I won't lie to you anymore, Duo."
"Sure, I know..."
He was trying to tell me something again, with his eyes; I could only
see misery, and it was depressing me beyond anything else. Shit,
I thought I might cry or something - that'd be a great start to a better
"So - maybe I'll stay here with you."
"No!" I almost shouted, which startled us both. What would they do to
him? Where would he end up then? "I don't want that for you -!"
Our eyes musta looked the same anguish; the same realisation. It just
wasn't an option.
"No, of course not..." he whispered.
"Good." I sounded shaky, even on the single word.
"But - I would; do you know that -?"
"Yeah. I know..."
It was a coupla minutes later. The talking was sort of drying up. There
wasn't much more to be said, was there? Well - nothing that would make
anything any more cheerful.
Heero appeared back in the lounge - he'd been to the bedroom to pack a
"You OK with this, Duo?"
"With letting you get away?" I laughed, like it was a great big, daring
joke. "Yeah - I'm OK with it. There'll be enough from me to keep 'em occupied
without the aiding and abetting as well...I mean, it's not like I'm Mr
K himself, is it?"
We stared at each other. We'd cleared up a lot of stuff between us, hadn't
we? I didn't blame him for anything done in his cousin's name; he didn't
despise me for coming to him from out the gutter. We just had all this
Yeah, I thought; it was heavy, and it was complex, but if we didn't move
on, it was gonna bury us both.
This was the best way to come clean. To start afresh.
"I - don't want to get away, Duo. From you..."
"Yeah... I know."
He dropped the bag and came over to me. I thought I should probably run
- really fast, and in the opposite direction, but I didn't. I didn't want
to. He took hold of me, shifting his body against me, and I felt his hand
brush against my cheek.
"I must call them, Heero."
"Sure." His voice was like silk; it was like a hot shower on a cold day;
it was pure, unadulterated pleasure. "Just give me a little time, OK?"
He kissed me again, then. He reached an arm around my back, and tugged
harder at my waist, and I folded into him like melted chocolate. We were
warm, and the taste of him was poignantly sweet. His mouth was firm and
demanding, and I was happy to surrender to it. I wrapped my arms round
his neck, and traced the pattern of his hair at the nape; remembering
it within my fingerprints. His hand slid up and down my hair, wrapping
strands around the fingers, and tugging almost playfully, directing my
mouth against his whenever it tried to shift away elsewhere. Our tongues
were very fierce - very hungry.
I touched the soft silky top, and slid my hand up underneath. He felt
rich and exotic, and the flesh wrinkled gently under my touch. My fingers
travelled round to his back, and then down to his waist. I caressed gently
along the waistband - he'd changed into casual pants, and they hugged
him around his hips. I felt him draw in his breath; felt him press his
body closer to mine, so that I had to wriggle to rest my swelling cock
against the side of his, rather than full on.
"No?" he murmured. His hips moved so slightly that only I would have realised
what they were asking. I moved back, adjusting myself to the side again.
He smiled. "Sure..."
He did his own investigation; his own memory game. He ran his lips down
my neck until I thought I had no more blood left in my body except the
amount that was engorged in my groin area. He traced the profile of my
face; he ran hands down my sides and hips, and would have run them round
to ass and my inner thighs if I hadn't stopped him. A man can only stand
so much sensory ecstasy -
"I won't see you again, Duo. Touch you."
"Argue with me..." I whispered. Lame fucking joke.
"No," he agreed. "That neither."
He pulled away from me abruptly - we were both suffering from flushed
faces, and painfully aroused cocks. He slung the bag over his shoulder,
and we both made our way to the door to leave. I wouldn't call the police
from here. I didn't know what Heero was gonna do in the way of 'arrangements',
but we both needed to leave this place far behind.
At the door, he paused. He turned to me and placed a single finger on
my mouth. He ran it gently from one side to the other. When it lingered
there a little longer, I slipped my tongue out to moisten my lips, and
I kissed the tip of it.
And then he left, striding up the corridor to take the lift, and to go
fuck knows where.
I can't tell you where I went for those two hours, because I can't remember.
I think I probably gave Heero much longer. But as the sun was getting
stronger, and the morning was turning out its joggers and early rising
workaholics, I found myself walking in the park. I paused by a public
phone kiosk. Must be time, I thought.
Time to turn into Mr Honest Citizen.
I called my apartment first, and I can't describe the relief when it was
Trow who answered. I mean, I'm mad about that blond guy as well, but Trow...
he's something else, isn't he?
"You OK, Duo?" He never asked where - who - what -
"No," I said, quickly. "But I'm not hurt. Trow -"
"Will you call that friend in Vice - set up a meeting for me?"
I heard his sharp breath. Then he let it out again. I just knew that he
knew - or at the least, he empathised. "Sure. Soon as you like. If that's
what you want."
"Yeah, it is. And T -"
I tried not to sound too pathetic. "Will ya come and pick me up?"
I told him where I was, and he was there in minutes. The guy would see
me now, he said. If I was up to it. He looked at my bleak eyes and my
white face, and his expression said that, personally, he didn't think
I was. But I had him drive me down to the station.
Bless him, he waited until I was done, sat quietly in an outside office.
Called his work, and squared it with them to take time off. Then he watched
me through the window, as I talked. As I shifted awkwardly on my chair
- raised my voice a coupla times. And when he thought they'd had enough
of me, and he knew they weren't gonna hold me, he walked straight into
the office where I was and collected me.
And took me home.
I had no regrets about the whole thing, y'know.
Just a huge, fucking pain in my chest where I used to have something that
pumped blood round my body.
I'd told the police lotsa things, of course. Well, almost. I gave 'em
names, and information about Kai's organisation, and plenty of detail
on Shad. I saw guys through the partitions at headquarters, scrambling
into jackets, and loading guns, and barking down telephones. It was most
amusing to see 'em leaping into action like that, on my say so.
I didn't tell 'em anything about the previous night at Heero's apartment.
Somehow I didn't think it would add much. Well - that was my expert
opinion. When they probed into Kai's world, and Shad's murky little cesspit,
there'd be plenty to lead back to Heero - if they wanted to follow that
up as well. Let 'em work a bit for that.
They found Baz's body within the hour - it was rolled in mud and refuse,
and wedged down behind the dumpsters at the back of the local hamburger
joint. No evidence left of where he might have actually died. Caused all
sortsa Health and Safety issues for a month or more. That made me smile
a bit - just a bit. After the rats had been round him, there was still
enough left to give good DNA samples 'n all; last I heard, he was being
fitted up against four murders across state, including Wufei's and Kai's,
and they were still counting.
The greater shock came when they found Shad. Two days later. He was staked
out in one of the kids' playgrounds. Literally staked - with ropes around
his wrists and ankles, tied to the equipment. There'd been an anonymous
tip-off to the police, so's no little kid would go bounding in there the
next day and be the first to find him. I thought that very considerate.
He'd been gagged and suffocated, and then stabbed - many, many
times. By many different hands, it seemed. Adult hands - and little, kids'
hands. Lots of cuts - deep, shallow; hard; weak. Musta taken place over
hours, in all. Lots of kids had motive for that. I wondered if they'd
all travelled from Kai's city - or whether they'd sent their welcome proxies
to do the job. That musta taken some serious 'arrangement', I thought.
That nice girl Anna at the police library told me that the force piled
into Kai's empire like it was a day out at the beach - full of enthusiasm
and zeal and packed lunches. Trowa's contact told him that there was no
particular evidence that led back to this city, though they'd be investigating
the family connection; especially since Shad had been found here. Had
been operating here. I wished 'em luck with that. Not.
The Yuy empire seemed to fold back into itself, without fuss. There were
no stories of major commercial crashes; no high-profile arrests. A coupla
businesses that had never been secure, nor entirely honest, had closed
down; Club Underground was under new management. The stories about Mr
Y had fizzled to nothing more than street fiction.
Like I said; I told the police lotsa things.
I told T and Q everything else.
Sudden impulses seemed a long way away. A very long way away.
[part 8] [back] [epilogue]
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