Author: FancyFigures
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, wish I did, just enjoy writing about 'em for free etc
Pairings: 1x2x1
Category: Heero POV, romance, humour
Warnings: Yaoi, lemon
Spoilers: None
Notes: Curiosity may have killed the rabbit, not the cat …
Feedback: If you liked it, PLEASE let me know!

Happy Christmas, Bugs

"What do you mean, it fell open?"

I may have sounded harsh, but then he'd caught me unawares. On the other end of the 'phone, I heard him suck in a sharp breath of dismay.

"The paper was torn … it wasn't very well wrapped."

"I wrapped it," I said, coldly. I shouldn't need to say more. My wrapping of Christmas presents was a military exercise in itself.

He gave a small whimper. "Maybe mice got to it. Maybe the cupboard was damp. Maybe it caught on the stray edge of a nail."

"Maybe you just went nosing around, found a present that was for you, to be given on Christmas Day. That was hidden." I paused for effect. It was very quiet on the line. "Maybe you tried to see inside that hidden, secret present. Tried to see inside it thirteen days in advance of the proper time." Another whimper in my earpiece. "Then the paper tore and you thought you'd pretend it came apart, in the misguided hope that I wouldn't find out what you'd done."

"No… of course not …" It was a pathetic ­ and useless ­ defence.

"You knew that I'd be furious. That I'd want to dismember you slowly with the turkey carving knife."

"Dismember …" The voice was weak.

"String you up with the Christmas lights. Impale you on a wreath of fresh holly."

"Heero," he pleaded. "You're overreacting."

"Duo." My voice was tight. "I daren't leave the house. You behave like a fractious, greedy child at Christmas."

He snapped back, angrily. "For God's sake, of course I don't!"

"What about the chocolate decorations on the tree?"

An ominous silence greeted me.


"They're still there, of course they are, what the hell are you implying ­"


There was an exaggerated sigh. "I'll buy another pack, OK? Sheesh, you are one anally retentive guy with your traditions."

My voice was calm; I forced it to be so. "Every year you do this to me. I try very hard to find you a present that will be a surprise. But you go snooping around, find it, open it, spoil that surprise ­"

"But don't I look delighted on Christmas Day?"

I let out a heavy breath. "You act the part. Badly. You smirk. You are unable to hide the fact you've already joined the chat forums for the game, or looked up the appliance on the net for its recommended application, or read the synopses for the book, or bought the matching accessories for the clothing ­"

"OK." He sounded petulant. "Sheesh. I'm an impatient guy, is all. It's still for me, right? Can't see it matters if I get it a couple days early. And I was going to say how good this looked. How ­" His voice paused. "How excited I was by it."

Curiosity caught at my throat. "You were?"

He sounded ­ strange. A little bemused. Like he swallowed a laugh. "Didn't know you had it in you. You know!"

"No. I don't know. What?"

He sighed this time. "To buy such a thing." There was the slightest crackle on the end of the line, like he was folding crumpled paper back on itself. "It's top of the range, isn't it? Has all the options. Easily and perfectly controllable ­ very responsive."

Despite my disappointment at him finding it, I was pleased that he liked it. "I wanted to get you one. You saw it ages ago in a magazine and admired it."

"I did?"

"Yes, of course. I thought you'd be able to use it wherever you go, whenever you've got spare time. It's portable, yet it has all the capacity you might need."

"Capacity …" he repeated. There was that amusement in his voice again. "Power, maybe."

I shrugged, though of course he couldn't see me. "Whatever you call it. Its advertising talks about empowering the owner."

This time, he laughed aloud. "Yes, it does."

"It's robust," I continued, "because I know you're not the most careful guy with your equipment. Flexible, slim shape ­ easily carried in a pocket or around your neck ­"

" ­ around your neck ­" He sounded like he was gargling.

"The only thing I wasn't sure about was the colour," I said.

"The colour is ­ fine," he replied. It sounded like he had a coughing fit.

"You sure? I could have got it in purple ­"

"It's fine!" he gasped.

"Have you tried it out already?" I asked. "Look, I know I'm annoyed at you, and I still am. But I suppose if you've already opened it, and you want to play with it ­"

He gave a strange kind of yelp. "Heero! Well, OK, I turned it on, you know? Fiddled with a couple of things."

I smiled to myself. That was so Duo.

"But ­ obviously -- I'd like you here before I try it out fully."

I was rather flattered. Maybe he wasn't beyond help after all. "I'll be home tomorrow, but I don't mind if you want to load it up in the meantime and try out some settings."

This time, the yelp was a bit strangled. "Heero …"


"Just one question."

There always was. Duo was notorious for 'when all else fails, read the instructions'.

"I don't think it's very complex, Duo. Plug it in; get comfortable; move the control around for where you want it to be ­"

"Heero! Shut up!" he snapped. Shocked, I did just that.

"I just want to ask you if you're sure you got the right thing?"

I frowned. "Of course."

"There are several modes …"

"Yes." I was running through the marketing blurb in my mind as he spoke.


I paused before I replied. "Escalating? You mean, like in volume?"

There was a snicker on the line. "Well, I guess you could call it that. Not really volume, though. More like ­ intensity."

Intensity? My hand tightened on the 'phone. What did he mean?

"And the pulsing, Heero."

Pulsing? I felt a cold shiver down my back.

"Rotating beads …"


"Duo, what the hell are you talking about?"

"My present. It was a really cute idea, but I'm not sure I'll get the full benefit. I'm wondering where to aim the ears, Heero." He was laughing now, quite loudly.

"Ears? There are no ears on …" My mouth dried, suddenly.

"Heero? You still there?" He'd stopped laughing; sounded almost contrite. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be ungrateful. No ears on ­ what were you saying?"

"On an iPod," I said, faintly.

Everything went quiet, on both ends of the line, for at least a minute.

"Heero …" His voice was very cautious.


"Where did you hide my present?"

"In the laundry basket," I said, miserably. "I thought it was pretty safe there, since you use every place but that for your clothes."

"So what are the presents in the spare room wardrobe?"

"The wardrobe?" I sounded stupid, repeating it like that.

"Uh--huh. That's where I found this. That's where ­"

" -- I hid the stuff for Relena," I finished his sentence. "All her Christmas shopping. She's away until Christmas Eve. She asked me to keep her presents safe and to wrap them for her, she'd collect them when she gets back." My eyes stung. My heart was beating very quickly; I could feel stress racing through my veins. "You didn't."

"I did," he replied. He sounded defensive. "Look, there was no label. It looked an interesting shaped package. I recognised the wrapping as your work. I just assumed …"

"You assumed. Oh God. They're all her purchases, Duo. All her gifts."

He was laughing again, now. "Heero?"

I was shaking my head; imagining her wrath. My embarrassment. Duo's mischief …

"Hurry home, Heero. We'll have to keep this now. We can find some fun uses for it, I'm sure."

"Keep it? What do you mean, fun --?"

"Soon, Heero." His voice was husky now, and I knew the tone. "I'm turning it on now." There was a faint hum in the background. "Hear that?"

I grunted; I couldn't articulate anything else.

"Six levels of non jamming synchronized rows of rotating beads, Heero," he wheedled. There was a sharp gasp, as if he'd touched something on his body. Something that made him give sharp gasps. I knew those places. I liked to touch them too. Liked to watch him touch them.

"Multiple controls for speed, vibration & pulsating action." His voice had a sing--song timbre, like he was reading the back of a packet. "Users control pressure, depth & intensity."

"Intensity?" My voice was hoarse. "Don't do this to me, Duo. I can get a late train. A plane. I can drive home tonight. Just let me get my coat."

"The result is the most intense, satisfying ,earth--shattering, full body orgasm ever experienced," he sighed. His voice was a little jerky, as if he were moving up and down. I loved it when he moved up and down. I was trying to remember where I'd left my car keys.

"An hour, Duo. I can be there in an hour." My throat tightened. My legs felt weak. "Forty five minutes."

"It's truly the ultimate self -- pleasuring device, it says here ­" he was chuckling now, " -- for the lady."

I was wriggling into my jacket, the phone gripped awkwardly between my shoulder and my ear. "But ­" I had to ask. "Who the hell is Relena buying that for?"

Duo laughed, but his voice was fading in and out of range as if he'd lost his grip on the 'phone. "Who cares? Her loss is our gain! I always wanted a pet!"


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