Warnings: Duo's potty mouth, Duo's jealousy, mild shounen-ai, light angst
Pairings: 1+2, 3+4 (implied)
Authors Note: I just realized that green is a really freaky word...
Arc: Domestic Bliss
DEDICATED TO FAFNIR'S FERRET, WHO ACTUALLY DID TRY TO CRAWL UP MY PANT
LEG WHEN I WAS AT HER HOUSE ONE DAY! ^_^
"Man, Quatre, that really
bites," I sympathized, staring at my friend's worried little face
on the vidphone screen. "Sorry to hear about Fifi."
He sighed, narrow shoulders drooping gracefully. "You have NO idea,
Duo! She's been missing since lunchtime! We're all so worried..."
"All" probably meant just him and Trowa, I reasoned. "Aw,
Q-man, it'll be fine!" I exclaimed cheerfully, adjusting the sleeve
of my tank top as it slid off my shoulder. Actually, it was Heero's tank
top. Stealing clothes from his closet is one of my favorite pastimes,
and he usually doesn't yell at me for "borrowing" his things.
As long as I don't touch the green tank tops. NEVER touch the green tank
"We've been looking for her for a long time now," Quatre fretted,
his voice warbling in a hilarious fashion through the crappy speakers
in my vidphone. It sounded like he was talking underwater.
"Don't worry about it, dude," I consoled, basically repeating
what I had been saying for the last half an hour. "There's only so
many places a freaking weasel can hide, you know."
Quatre's thin blonde eyebrows snapped together cutely, and I resisted
the urge to smile. Quatre is so hilarious when he's acting indignant.
"Fifi is not a weasel, Duo!" he corrected sternly. "She's
a ferret and she's running around my mansion somewhere and we can't find
"So tell Trowa to stop letting his pets loose in the house,"
I said with a shrug. "Last time I went up there, I found a bunny
rabbit chewing on the end of my braid."
"Fifi is NOT Trowa's pet," Quatre told me firmly. "She
belongs to one of my sisters and we're ferret-sitting for a month and
the little bugger keeps getting out of her cage!"
I nearly choked trying to hold my hysterical giggles in. Quatre cracks
me up without end. He and Trowa both, actually. In fact, I could practically
imagine Trowa peering under beds with his rump up in the air, yelling,
"Fifi! Fifi, where are you???" and actually pulling his bangs
out of his face so that he could SEE for a change.
Fortunately, just as I was about to let my laughter come bursting out
of my mouth, I heard a set of keys being inserted into the front door
in the living room. Ah yes, Heero has returned to me! With take-out food,
hopefully, since I was REALLY not in the mood to make another UDD at the
"Well, gotta go, Quatre!" I enthused with a smile. "Heero's
home and I've gotta go bug the crap outta him like I always do. Tell Trowa
I hope he finds his weasel, and oh yeah, don't let Fifi crawl up your
pant leg this time!"
Quatre flushed bright red. "Duo! That-"
"Bye, Q-man! Love ya!" I interrupted, planting a big noisy smooch
on the vidscreen as Quatre practically squawked his indignation. I severed
the connection before my little blond buddy could get on my case about
getting the screen of the vidphone even more smudged than it already was.
Quatre's such a mother hen sometimes...but never fear! I love him anyways!
Bouncing off my bed, barefoot and wearing only a pair of grungy pants
and Heero's tank top, I charged into the living room, stomach already
growling at the mere POSSIBILITY of Heero having food with him.
"Yo! Heero!" I called as I headed down the hallway, stubbing
my toe on the bag that I had sensibly dropped in the middle of the hallway.
Goddamn myself. "I really hope you brought home some chow because
At this point, I stumbled into the living room and froze dead in my tracks,
my mouth falling open like a demented fish.
Heero wasn't the only one in the living room. He had another guy with
him. A really HOT guy. A really hot guy in a Preventers jacket, hands
in the pockets of his snug pants as he looked around our apartment with
a calculating statement on his face. Heero was busy locking up the door,
his laptop tucked underneath one of his arms, just as casual as you please.
Well, I guess I was the only one who was totally blown away by the scene
before me! It wasn't everyday Heero brought other people home with him,
much less guys THIS fine! I'm bisexual, but I've always been attracted
to girls more than guys, though you probably couldn't tell from the way
I'm slobbering over Heero all the time, right? As it stands, Mr. Heero
Yuy has been the first guy in a long time that I've been THIS madly in
love with. I used to have this little crush on Wuffers, but the guy is,
unfortunately, as straight as a fucking arrow. What a pity. A waste of
deep black eyes and a great ass. Not to mention a charming personality.
But I had to admit, this new guy standing right at home in OUR living
room put even Wufei to shame. He was one of those tanned surfer types
with light brown hair shot through with streaks of pure gold. His hair
was rather longish, but not shaggy enough to be called sloppy (like the
mop that passes for Heero's hair). A pair of gorgeous green eyes ringed
by dark lashes roamed over our living room until they finally came to
rest on stupefied ol' me.
His eyes suddenly narrowed as he looked me up and down, lingering distastefully
on everything from my messy bangs to my bare feet, and I received the
impression that Hot Guy didn't like me all that much. He practically had
lightening shooting from his eyes, like in the cartoons, you know?
And I suddenly realized that I didn't like this guy either. Not one fucking
bit. Who cared if he was hot? Just the fact that he was hanging out with
MY Heero made my skin crawl. I narrowed my own eyes and drew myself up
to my entire height of five feet five inches - YES, I'm still a shortie!
Geez, you don't have to rub it in.
"Who are you?" I demanded of Hot Guy, suddenly all too aware
of the fact that I looked like the King of Grunge at the moment, and he
was standing there all prissy and proper looking.
"I'm Heero's partner," he announced snootily, looking down his
nose at me.
WHHAAAT?????!!!!! I knew did NOT just hear him say that!
Heero suddenly walked around Hot Guy, shrugging out of his Preventers
jacket and offering me a "hn" as a sorry-ass excuse for a greeting.
What he should have said was, "Good evening, Duo. Sorry for bringing
this little slut into the apartment. He'll be gone in a few minutes so
that we can spend some real quality time together."
Fat chance of that happening, of course.
"So YOU'RE Heero's partner?" I asked skeptically, not bothering
to hide the sarcasm in my voice. "Funny, since Heero doesn't HAVE
any partners." //Except for me, of course.//
"Well, I'm his CURRENT partner," the hot guy responded, smiling
prettily at me, teeth a blinding shade of white. "And just who might
//I live here, fuckrag.//
"Oh, I'm just some guy!" I said cheerfully, flashing him a nice
big smile of my own, making sure to show all of my shining teeth (and
all the Oreo cookie crumbs I still had caked in them from my little snacktime
"Duo is my roommate," Heero suddenly spoke up, sounding like
he was talking about the goddamn weather, for all the excitement I heard
in his voice. The hot guy suddenly reached out and shook my hand. Hard.
Guess he thought I didn't NEED my fucking fingers. "Finally, I get
to meet the infamous Duo Maxwell!" he exclaimed in this really sickeningly
Infamous?! What the HELL was that supposed to mean?
"My name is Lars," he declared proudly, like he was announcing
something great and exciting.
Lars??? His name was fucking *Lars*??? Now, who the HELL names their kid
Lars?! Lars...makes me think of Mars...cars...
"So you're Heero's roommate? Zechs was telling me so much about you."
...cars on Mars...Lars going to Mars with a bunch of cars...and no Heero!!
Heero stays with ME!!
"He said you were a rather obnoxious individual."
...Lars on Mars with his cars and...what the fuck??!!
"So Zechs said that?" I drawled, folding my arms across his
chest and glaring up at the asshole from behind my wall of bangs. "I
guess I'll just have to have a little chat with him tomorrow then, won't
I?" Oh, and just for the record, Zechs would NEVER call me obnoxious.
He knows better. As loopy as he can get sometimes (trying to blow up the
Earth! What a freak!), the guy actually DOES value his own life, you know.
And good old Lars just shrugged his perfectly formed shoulders, looking
smug and probably thinking that he had me fooled. "Just don't tell
him that you heard it from me, friend. He might get his wife to throw
me out of the Preventers, which would be SUCH a shame, being that I just
found the perfect partner."
I started twitching.
"Heero and I work great together," Lars practically gushed,
staring dreamily over at where Heero was booting up his laptop, pretending
not to be listening in on our conversation.
I had to bite down on my tongue to keep from letting out long string of
cuss words. Who the FUCK did this guy think he was?! He just waltzes into
our apartment, oogling Heero right IN FRONT OF ME without even noticing
that I, Duo Maxwell, the Almighty God of fucking Death, was not only Heero's
REAL partner, but his roommate, his, um, right hand man, and oh yeah,
his BEST FUCKING FRIEND!!! Jesus Christ, I was ready to explode! I wouldn't
have been surprised if there was steam coming out of my ears and my braid
looked like the tail of a pissed-off cat. I just couldn't believe the
sheer NERVE of this guy!
"Come over here, Lars," Heero suddenly ordered, taking a seat
at the kitchen table, eyes trained on his glowing laptop screen.
"Sure thing, Heero," Lars practically chirped, prancing over
to the table and dragging a chair - MY chair - so that he could scoot
up so close to Heero that he was practically sitting in his lap. His green
eyes were intent on the screen of Heero's laptop, but I could practically
HEAR the dirty thoughts running through his mind as he sat there all cozy
with Heero, who didn't look the least bit bothered as he started opening
the word processing program in his laptop, like he didn't have an oversexed
man-slut breathing down his neck.
//Heero!// I wanted to scream. //This guy is totally putting the moves
on you!! Can't you see????//
"Alright!" I suddenly exploded, barely resisting the urge to
throw a huge hissy fit. "Who are you and what are you doing in my
Lars looked at me as if I were a shitstain on his undies. "Like I
TOLD you before, I'm Heero's partner, we worked on a mission together,
and now we're going to write a report so could you please...?" He
glared at me pointedly instead of finishing his sentence.
I suddenly decided I wanted to be obnoxious. "You want me to help
you?" I asked cheerfully, plastering a huge goofy grin on my face.
"Suuuuuuuure, I can help you guys!! Anything for a couple of buddies!
I'm REALLY good at writing reports!"
"Duo," Heero said sharply, whirling around and pinning me with
a dark glare.
I gulped. //Oh shit, here it comes. He's gonna yell at me and I'm gonna
be so embarrassed because he's scolding me like a little kid in front
of Larsy Marsy over there who's looking really fucking SMUG right now
and all I want to do is march over there and slap that look off his pretty
little face and I hope Heero doesn't yell at me `cause that...//
"Is that my tank top?" Heero asked shrewdly, eyes fastened on
my torso area.
I blinked dumbly for a couple of seconds before recovering my wits. "Oh
yeah, it is! Um, sorry about the Oreo cookie stains! I had a little snack
Lars wrinkled his nose and asked Heero in a stage whisper, "You let
him raid your closet?"
"Even if I didn't let him, he'd do it anyways," Heero said disinterestedly
as he turned back to his laptop.
//Way to make me look bad, Heero// I thought grumpily.
"How RUDE," Lars uttered in what was supposed to sound like
a whisper, but I could tell the little fucker really wanted me to hear
what he was saying. And you know what was the worst thing? I couldn't
answer him back because I hadn't officially "heard" what he
said. So I stood there like a dumbass, watching them ignore me for a while.
Then I walked calmly out of the living room, ran into our bedroom, threw
myself onto my messy bed, and screamed angrily into my pillow before pummeling
it with my fists.
Hey, I never said I was good at keeping my temper. And better to scream
and beat up the pillow rather than Lars, right?
I was back in the living room ten minutes later. If curiosity could kill
ex-Gundam pilots, I would be six feet under by now. But I couldn't just
leave those two alone in the living room for such a long period of time!
Who knows what could have happened?
Okay, so I was jealous. Totally green with envy. Bite me. I wasn't about
to lose Heero to some guy named *Lars*. Over my cold, stiff cadaver. 
So I went back to living room. With Da Hoover. Da Hoover is our vacuum
cleaner, and it's REALLY powerful. And really loud, too. That's probably
why I like it so much. Besides, you've got to have respect for a contraption
that can suck up one of Heero's freaky deaky super thick thermal winter
socks without even gagging. Now that's power, baby. (Just make sure you
never get your braid caught in it. Trust me, that's not fun.)
So I dragged Da Hoover as quietly as I could (yeah right) down the hall
and peeked around the corner, not at all happy - nor surprised - with
what I saw. Lars now had one arm resting on the back of Heero's chair
as he leaned in under the guise of trying to get closer to the screen.
What a skank! I've sat next to Heero I don't know how many times when
he's on his laptop, and I KNOW that you don't need to be that close to
see the goddamn screen! My blood was boiling. I couldn't remember the
last time I had been THIS pissed off.
But I put on a mask of happy-go-lucky ignorance as I flounced into the
living room - ignoring the surprised look from Lars; Heero, of course,
had already known I was there - plugged in Da Hoover, and turned the sucker
Did I mention that thing is loud? Seems I had forgotten just how freakin'
noisy it could be. But I started vacuuming the goddamn living room, holding
the cord in one hand like you see all those people doing on the commercials
that go "Hooooooover nobody does it like yoooooouuuuu!" The
thing's actually kind of hard to navigate - it's THAT powerful. But navigate
it I did, even though it felt like I was going to suck the carpet right
off the floor. Though that would have been pretty funny. Especially if
Lars went with it.
Okay, I know I was being obnoxious, but I couldn't help myself. Lars may
have been great at using subtle methods to show me where I wasn't wanted,
but I'm not nearly so eloquent. Unfortunately, though, I have been cursed
with the things called manners, and it would probably be rude just to
tell the guy to get the fuck out of my apartment. So I had to tell him
in a different way...
But, however, my little message was cut short when someone suddenly pulled
the plug on the Da Hoover. The vacuum sputtered and coughed for a second
before dying, silence once again crashing down on the room. I whirled
around to find Heero standing next to the outlet, holding the cord in
his hand. He didn't look like a happy camper.
"It's dangerous to pull things out by the plug," I told him,
leaning casually on Da Hoover and hoping the stupid thing wouldn't collapse
and send me spilling onto the coffee table.
"No more vacuuming," Heero ordered firmly in this I'm-Not-Taking-No-Shit-From-You
tone of voice. "We're working."
Ouch, that one stung. Not "*I'm* working". "*We're* working."
Damn you, Lars.
"Fine," I said with a shrug and an idiotic grin. I abandoned
Da Hoover and started walking into the kitchen. "I guess I'll just
go ahead and make dinner."
And make Lars a nice, poisonous, radioactive, super-duper, up the gag
factor UDD. A UDD to put all other UDDs to shame...
"No," Heero suddenly said, just as I was about to walk up to
the counter and bust out my favorite oven mitts.
I scowled at him, suddenly in a very bad mood. "What the hell do
you mean `no'?" I snapped.
"I'm making dinner," he said firmly, staring hard at me.
I wasn't fazed. "And just what the hell is wrong with the shit I
"It's just that. Shit," Heero told me, being uncharacteristically
Okay, I walked right into that one, but it still hurt. It also efficiently
stole all the words from my mouth.
Heero turned away from me and said to Lars, "Finish up the report
while I make dinner."
"Sure thing," Lars said immediately, shooting me this little
infuriatingly smug glance as he slid into Heero's seat and started clacking
away at the laptop. THE laptop. Heero's laptop. He's never let me touch
the damn thing, and here he was letting Lars put his grubby fingers all
over the keys! For some reason, that hurt the worst of all.
Dinner was composed of tasty Japanese food, Lars' triumphant chatter,
Heero's one word answers, and my stony silence. I was in a crumby mood.
I was feeling so bad that I could barely taste the food that I was slowly
shoveling down my throat. I hadn't felt so bummed in a long time, and
it wasn't something that I was enjoying. I could have been pissed off
at Lars, or Heero...it just didn't matter. What I was feeling really wasn't
So what if he was a skanky man-slut trying to steal my best friend away
Didn't bother me one bit.
Okay, I'll be serious for little while. The real reason I was feeling
bad was because I had had one of those dark epiphanies. Yes, Duo just
used a big word like "epiphany." Get over it. But, really, have
you ever had one of those? Like when you realize that life just isn't
what you wanted it to be and that the ones you care about aren't going
to be around forever? I know it sounds sappy, but, hell, I thought Solo
and I were going to be best buddies until we were old and wrinkly and
crippled...and he's dead as a doornail now. I was also dumb enough to
think that I could live in the Maxwell Church forever. I was even sorta
kinda thinking about changing my views and becoming a priest...and look
what happened. Father Maxwell and Sister Helen burned along with the church.
And here I was living under the delusion that I was the ONLY one attracted
to Heero. I mean, it's obvious that the guy is drop-dead gorgeous. I should
have realized that one day, someone either too kind-hearted or too stupid
wasn't going to be fooled by his forbidding personality and cold eyes.
It had never occurred to me that someone else might fall in love with
him, and he might actually love them back.
Of course, I'm not talking about fucking *Lars* here. I still didn't like
the guy just because he was making passes at Heero, but like I said before,
Lars really didn't have much to do with the funk I was in. It was all
me and my fucked up emotions.
Bluntly put, I was scared. I didn't want to lose Heero to anyone or anything.
I didn't want him to find a new best friend or to forget about his obnoxious
roommate. Sure, I knew it wouldn't be Lars who would take Heero away from
me. But what about the next person? Or the next person? My whole delusional
world seemed so violently unstable all of a sudden. I felt like it was
falling apart around my ears.
I let my eyes drift to Heero then. He was sitting like he normally does
at dinnertime, his eyes trained on his food. I found that I was suddenly
fascinated as he used the chopsticks to lift a piece of chicken to his
mouth. He was graceful, but not overly so. I had never seen him drop anything
in the entire time I'd known him. I watched as he chewed slowly, mechanically,
and I suddenly wondered if he counted how many times he chewed his food.
It seemed like something he would do.
Then I suddenly imagined his figure disappearing. No more mechanical chewing.
No more chicken teriyaki  and rice. No more messy brown hair. No more
deep azure eyes. Just me and my UDDs alone at the kitchen table.
It wasn't a good thing to imagine. In fact, it fucking sucked.
That evening wasn't my turn to wash the dishes. Usually, if I cook, Heero
washes the dishes, and if he cooks, I wash the dishes. And since he had
cooked that night, yeah, I got stuck with dish duty. And not only that,
the pile of dirty plates was twice as tall since last night had been my
night to washes dishes as well, and I had conveniently forgotten all about
my filthy little friends waiting for me in the kitchen sink.
Double dish duty. Joy.
So there I was, staring sullenly into the soapy brownish-gray dishwater
with the nasty liquid all the way up to my goddamn elbows. Heero was saying
goodbye to Lars at the front door, and I could (unfortunately) hear bits
and pieces of their conversation as I worked at fulfilling my daily domestic
duties like a good little roommate. Lars was talking in this sickeningly
cheerful voice, saying that he and Heero should get together and do something
sometime. Heero's answering replies were too low for me to hear, but I
really didn't care. I didn't have any more energy left to be angry at
the way Larsy Marsy the Great Man-slut was gushing over Heero.
I didn't want to be awake anymore, either. Maybe I would finish up the
dishes and just go to bed. No TV tonight; it rots your brain, after all.
Maybe I'd call Quatre and ask if he caught Fifi the Evil Ferret. No, scratch
that idea. Quatre has that uncanny way of noticing when something is wrong
with you. Yeah, I would just take a shower and go to sleep... I heard
Heero slam the front door and click all the locks shut. A second later,
I heard his quiet footfalls as he entered the kitchen, but I couldn't
see him since the sink and the kitchen entrance are directly opposite
to one another. But I didn't care because I wasn't in the mood to look
at his nasty old face at the moment.
"Did you shake Lars' hand?" I suddenly heard myself ask in this
weird dull-sounding voice as I scrubbed a plate clean. "It's polite
to shake peoples' hands when you meet them or say goodbye to them, you
know. Common courtesy and good manners and everything like that."
"I don't shake hands with people," Heero said levelly. "I've
only shaken hands with one person in my entire life. Zechs Merquise."
"Hmph," I grunted. I didn't know that Heero had already shaken
hands with Zechs. Oh well. Sexy Zechsy. Go figure. But I really didn't
give a flying fuck at the moment. All I wanted to do was wash the dishes
and go to bed.
Unfortunately, the ex-Spandex Wonder decided to foil my plans again.
I suddenly felt him come up beside me, but despite my surprise, I was
determined not to look at him. So I kept on washing the dishes until he
- quite unexpectedly - plunged his arm into the soapy water, long fingers
fastening around my right wrist in a gentle grip.
What the hell?
I was too stunned to react as he lifted my right arm out of the water
and wrapped his fingers around my limp hand, bobbing it up and down. It
took me a few Moments of Stupidity to realize that he was shaking my hand,
nasty sludgy water and soap bubbles and everything. Damn, this guy totally
blows my mind sometimes!
I stared dumbly at our intertwined hands before lifting my eyes imploringly
to his. Once again, I had no earthly idea what to say. All I could think
about was how his palm was so warm, and I could feel the calluses underneath
Heero had this odd, affectionate look in his eyes as he gazed at me, a
small smile tugging on the corners of his full mouth. And he said, "I
thought something was wrong when Lars wanted me to shake his hand, and
I realized that I hadn't even shaken the hand of my best friend yet."
Before I could even BEGIN to digest that, Heero suddenly leaned forward
and planted a light, feathery kiss on my brow, near the corner of my eye,
our mutual bangs sorta blending together for a blissful second or two.
Then he released my hand and walked out of the kitchen.
And I was left there standing dumbly with soap dripping from my hand and
the shocks from Heero's kiss still coursing in electric waves through
 Just another way of saying, "Over my dead body" ^_^
 Is this a Japanese dish? I sure hope so... O_O
I just wanted to apologize to anyone who might be named Lars out there.
I actually like that name, but I needed a name for him and I remembered
that Twister's sadistic older brother on Rocket Power was named Lars...
[back to Flamika's fic]