Author: Jupiter Strahan
Pairings: a teensy bit of 1+2+1
Warnings: shonen ai? not really. More humor and sillyness than anything.
Disclaimer: *sings* It's so sublime, but the boys ain't mine, go climb
a pine, my aching spine!
Dedication: To Katalyst, who is a female bishounen. Oh Dear. Also to whoever
made the quiz that inspired this fic.
"Hey Heero, will you answer
some questions for me?" Duo's voice carried through the safehouse
to where Heero sat in the kitchen.
"Why." It sounded more like a statement than a question.
"Just to satisfy an idle interest."
Duo grinned and turned back to the laptop. It was Heero's, actually, and
if Heero knew he was using it, the bones his fingers would likely be ground
into dust before Heero would forgive him. "What do you do, first
thing in the morning?"
Heero scowled. What kind of question is that? Duo ought to know, he'd
noticed the long-haired boy's eyes on him whenever they were together,
including when he got up in the morning. "I stretch, complete a light
workout, then prepare a nutri--"
Duo cut him off. "Okay, yeah, I get it. You squeeze in a quick 5,000
sit-ups before breakfast." He clicked. "Next question: Describe
the object of your affection." He knew what the answer would be,
but he couldn't help but hope he was wrong.
Heero blinked. Object of his affection? Would that be the person he cared
for most? Could he possibly admit it? Of course not. His eye twitched
unhappily. "Affection is a weakness that cannot be afforded if it
would endanger the mission."
Duo sighed. He'd known. Click. "What's your best subject in school?"
"I'm completely educated in every subject that is taught at the schools."
"And every other subject too, right?"
"Ones pertaining to our missions, yes."
"So, Math, Chemistry, Physics, Thermonuclear weapons--"
Heero gave an impatient sigh. "Yes, Duo."
"Oh, whoops, I forgot! Thermonuclear weapons are extracurricular!"
He smacked his forehead loudly in mock embarrassment. "All right,
now if a person tripped you in the hallway, what would you do?"
"Duo," his voice was was strained, "what is the point of
"Come on, just a few more."
He conceded. "I wouldn't trip. I'd probably step over his foot and
snap the fool's ankle in the process."
Duo winced. "Ooh, harsh man. Not that they wouldn't deserve it, but
I bet it wouldn't feel to nice. Remind me to stop trying to trip you."
"Okay, next! It's lunchtime: What are you eating?" Duo paused.
"Wait, no, nevermind. I already know - a perfectly balanced meal
consisting of all the major food groups, am I right?"
Heero nodded, which Duo had no way of seeing from the other side of the
"What school societies are you a part of?"
"We're not even at a school right now."
"What about at that last one we were at?"
"The computer club, so that I would fit in better with normal students.
However, the teacher knew very little about computers."
Duo laughed. "Yeah, that teacher was an idiot! I bet he couldn't
hack an enemy mainframe if his life depended on it!"
Heero glared in Duo's general direction. He may not be very socially apt,
but he could tell when Duo was making fun of him.
"And if you found out the teacher was going to hold a surprise quiz
the next day, you wouldn't care 'cause we'd be outta there by then anyway,
Heero grunted. It was true.
"What will you be when you're older?"
Duo frowned. "Heero, I though we talked about this! You're not going
to die unless you let yourself, or self destruct or something stupid like
"I said statistically."
Duo snorted again. "Okay, fine. Your house is on fire. What do you
He thought for a moment. "Nothing. I wouldn't keep any personal possessions
in my base of operations."
"So where do you keep them?"
"In my Gundam, of course. That's the only constant I have."
"Well what about me? If the safehouse were on fire, and I couldn't
get out, would you save me?"
"You're not a possession, Duo."
Heero paused. "Of course."
Duo grinned. "Thanks. I feel all squishy inside, now."
Heero blinked. Squishy? Was that a good thing?
"Okay, last question: What is your signature scene?"
"Okay, how do people remember you best?"
"I kill anyone who sees me."
"You haven't killed me."
"That's different. I wouldn't kill you unless you wanted it."
"What makes you think I'd want to die?"
Heero smiled slightly, unseen. "Precisely."
More clicking ensued. Suddenly Duo grinned, "Hey Heero, they know
you're a pilot."
Heero snapped alert. "What?!"
Heero launched himself into the back room, and saw Duo pointing to the
glowing screen of his laptop. On the screen was a picture of a young man
in a flightsuit, saluting the camera. In the background part of his gundam
was visible. The text above read " 'I am the mission.' You are a
Duo watched as Heero's eyes went wide, trying to contain his laughter
at Heero's reaction.
Heero continued to read. "You might be a sub-category of bishounen,
but this hardly matters since you don't notice anything that didn't feature
in the last edition of Guns'n'Ammo magazine. You have been trained since
an unfeasibly early age to be a machine of death and destruction."
His panic had extinguished itself by the time he'd reached halfway, but
was sparked again as he read the last line. "If you've noticed an
annoying girl following you around and repeatedly getting into danger
and requiring rescue recently, run like hell - she's probably your love
Duo chuckled. "They've been watchin' you man... They know
Relena's out hunting for your sexy self."
Heero shuddered at the name. "God, I hope not."
Duo pointed out the first line. "I don't know, it seems they're pretty
accurate about everything, even mine."
Heero glanced at the other boy. "Yours?"
"Yeah." He clicked a few times, bringing up another page. "According
to my results, I'm 'mmmm.... fangirly'." He smirked and read on.
"You're a bishounen. You're male, but people often mistake you for
the other option. You're unfeasibly thin and pretty and always have perfect
hair, often surrounded by sparkles/sakura/roses. You almost certainly
have a tragic backstory which involves one or more of your parents, and
are liable to have a Tragic Destiny. You were almost certainly invented
by a female mangaka, are worshipped by a female audience, and your life
is characterised by periods of extreme pain and angst. Sucks to be you."
Heero blinked. "Wow." He looked over his shoulder. "I think
"I think they're watching us. I don't know who they are... but..."
He shuddered again. "Relena will die before she ends up as my
to Jupiter Strahan's fic]