Author: Jupiter Strahan
Pairings: a teensy bit of 1+2+1
Rating: G
Warnings: shonen ai? not really. More humor and sillyness than anything.
Disclaimer: *sings* It's so sublime, but the boys ain't mine, go climb a pine, my aching spine!
Dedication: To Katalyst, who is a female bishounen. Oh Dear. Also to whoever made the quiz that inspired this fic.

They're Watching

"Hey Heero, will you answer some questions for me?" Duo's voice carried through the safehouse to where Heero sat in the kitchen.

"Why." It sounded more like a statement than a question.

"Just to satisfy an idle interest."

"Fine."

Duo grinned and turned back to the laptop. It was Heero's, actually, and if Heero knew he was using it, the bones his fingers would likely be ground into dust before Heero would forgive him. "What do you do, first thing in the morning?"

Heero scowled. What kind of question is that? Duo ought to know, he'd noticed the long-haired boy's eyes on him whenever they were together, including when he got up in the morning. "I stretch, complete a light workout, then prepare a nutri--"

Duo cut him off. "Okay, yeah, I get it. You squeeze in a quick 5,000 sit-ups before breakfast." He clicked. "Next question: Describe the object of your affection." He knew what the answer would be, but he couldn't help but hope he was wrong.

Heero blinked. Object of his affection? Would that be the person he cared for most? Could he possibly admit it? Of course not. His eye twitched unhappily. "Affection is a weakness that cannot be afforded if it would endanger the mission."

Duo sighed. He'd known. Click. "What's your best subject in school?"

"I'm completely educated in every subject that is taught at the schools."

"And every other subject too, right?"

"Ones pertaining to our missions, yes."

"So, Math, Chemistry, Physics, Thermonuclear weapons--"

Heero gave an impatient sigh. "Yes, Duo."

"Oh, whoops, I forgot! Thermonuclear weapons are extracurricular!" He smacked his forehead loudly in mock embarrassment. "All right, now if a person tripped you in the hallway, what would you do?"

"Duo," his voice was was strained, "what is the point of this?"

"Come on, just a few more."

He conceded. "I wouldn't trip. I'd probably step over his foot and snap the fool's ankle in the process."

Duo winced. "Ooh, harsh man. Not that they wouldn't deserve it, but I bet it wouldn't feel to nice. Remind me to stop trying to trip you."

"Duo."

"Okay, next! It's lunchtime: What are you eating?" Duo paused. "Wait, no, nevermind. I already know - a perfectly balanced meal consisting of all the major food groups, am I right?"

Heero nodded, which Duo had no way of seeing from the other side of the building.

"What school societies are you a part of?"

"We're not even at a school right now."

"What about at that last one we were at?"

"The computer club, so that I would fit in better with normal students. However, the teacher knew very little about computers."

Duo laughed. "Yeah, that teacher was an idiot! I bet he couldn't hack an enemy mainframe if his life depended on it!"

Heero glared in Duo's general direction. He may not be very socially apt, but he could tell when Duo was making fun of him.

"And if you found out the teacher was going to hold a surprise quiz the next day, you wouldn't care 'cause we'd be outta there by then anyway, right?"

Heero grunted. It was true.

"What will you be when you're older?"

"Statistically, Dead."

Duo frowned. "Heero, I though we talked about this! You're not going to die unless you let yourself, or self destruct or something stupid like that."

"I said statistically."

Duo snorted again. "Okay, fine. Your house is on fire. What do you save?"

He thought for a moment. "Nothing. I wouldn't keep any personal possessions in my base of operations."

"So where do you keep them?"

"In my Gundam, of course. That's the only constant I have."

"Well what about me? If the safehouse were on fire, and I couldn't get out, would you save me?"

"You're not a possession, Duo."

"Would you?"

Heero paused. "Of course."

Duo grinned. "Thanks. I feel all squishy inside, now."

Heero blinked. Squishy? Was that a good thing?

"Okay, last question: What is your signature scene?"

"What?"

"Okay, how do people remember you best?"

"I kill anyone who sees me."

"You haven't killed me."

"That's different. I wouldn't kill you unless you wanted it."

"What makes you think I'd want to die?"

Heero smiled slightly, unseen. "Precisely."

More clicking ensued. Suddenly Duo grinned, "Hey Heero, they know you're a pilot."

Heero snapped alert. "What?!"

"Come here!"

Heero launched himself into the back room, and saw Duo pointing to the glowing screen of his laptop. On the screen was a picture of a young man in a flightsuit, saluting the camera. In the background part of his gundam was visible. The text above read " 'I am the mission.' You are a gundam pilot!"

Duo watched as Heero's eyes went wide, trying to contain his laughter at Heero's reaction.

Heero continued to read. "You might be a sub-category of bishounen, but this hardly matters since you don't notice anything that didn't feature in the last edition of Guns'n'Ammo magazine. You have been trained since an unfeasibly early age to be a machine of death and destruction." His panic had extinguished itself by the time he'd reached halfway, but was sparked again as he read the last line. "If you've noticed an annoying girl following you around and repeatedly getting into danger and requiring rescue recently, run like hell - she's probably your love interest..."

Duo chuckled. "They've been watchin' you man... They know Relena's out hunting for your sexy self."

Heero shuddered at the name. "God, I hope not."

Duo pointed out the first line. "I don't know, it seems they're pretty accurate about everything, even mine."

Heero glanced at the other boy. "Yours?"

"Yeah." He clicked a few times, bringing up another page. "According to my results, I'm 'mmmm.... fangirly'." He smirked and read on. "You're a bishounen. You're male, but people often mistake you for the other option. You're unfeasibly thin and pretty and always have perfect hair, often surrounded by sparkles/sakura/roses. You almost certainly have a tragic backstory which involves one or more of your parents, and are liable to have a Tragic Destiny™. You were almost certainly invented by a female mangaka, are worshipped by a female audience, and your life is characterised by periods of extreme pain and angst. Sucks to be you."

Heero blinked. "Wow." He looked over his shoulder. "I think you're right."

"Huh?"

"I think they're watching us. I don't know who they are... but..." He shuddered again. "Relena will die before she ends up as my love interest."

+

Owari!
JupiStrahan

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