By: Kojin and Lyssira
Disclaimer: Hell no. If I owned them why would I be writing this?
Warnings: Ummmm...for anyone who's never been exposed to one my `Why GW Pilots..' lists: run. Much character bashing!!!! And spoilers for the series.
Pairings: 1+2, 3+4 implied
Note: If you're taking this (not to mention ME) seriously...don't. Lighten up! Many thanks to Syren for beta-ing!

Why Gundam Pilots Should Not Be Action Figures

[1] Heero

*Talking Dolls

"'s not saying anything. I think it's broken."
"Well what's that noise son?"

"Mommy, it's broken again. It won't stop saying `Relena' Make it stop!"
"Sweetheart, the fan directions say you have to buy the Relena doll and smash it against the wall."

"Gundam Wing Customer service, may I help you?."
"My son's doll keeps talking in the middle of the night."
"The Heero doll? What's it saying?"
"It's talking about the earth and war and peace and it won't stop."
"That's alright ma'am. It'll only do it twice."

*The Self-Destruct Mechanism

"Mommymommymommy, WATCH OUT!"
"What's the matter honey?"
"Mission Accepted."
"I told you, Mommy."

If you leave him alone too long...he self-destructs. Like neopets, except...worse...

"Daddy, it keeps blowing up! And I didn't even tell it to!"

"And on local news. Another child's finger was blown off by a Heero Doll from Gundam Wing. All of these dolls are being recalled."

*Special Features

"It says we have to pay more for a doll in jeans."
"But look at those shorts, mom."
"It's 10 more dollars!"
"Mom, that's indecent exposure. It's worth it."

~Zero System Heero~
"It says here, he tells the future."
"Ok, ask a question."
"Will I pass math?"
Heero: Yes. No. Ask me later. Hn.

~Post Destruction Heero~

Comes with bandages, liquid blood, hospital bed and switchable limbs. Trowa sold separately.

*Actions+Attachments (1)

Comes with gun that doesn't work.
Martial Arts actions.
Unable to kill Relena action.
Unable to kill Duo action.
Unable to kill Zechs action.
Killing harmless pacifists action.
Beach action.
Leans against any surface!!!!

[2] Duo

*Talking Dolls

"Daddy, what's the god of death?"

"Mommy, my dolly said a BAD word."

"Daddy, my dolly keeps talking in cliches." (2)

"What the hell is that noise?"
"It's my Duo doll. He's screaming again."

*The Self-Destruct Mechanism

"Mom!!! It won't blow up!!!"

Malicious Child: *holding Duo doll strapped to rocket* "I'll get you this time."

"Come along! On my journey into HELL!"
"Yeah right. It was cool the first 50 times..."

"Gundam Wing Customer Service, may I help you?"
"Excuse me but the self-detonating mechanism on the Duo doll..."
"Yes, we know. If you would like the Gundam to explode, go buy a Trowa doll. To order, press one. To continue with your stupid, GW-ignorant question, press 2."

*Special Features

~Prison Duo~

Comes with single band aid, changes color in warm water (to bruised and bloodied). Swears excessively. Heero sold separately.

~Zero System Duo~
"Mommy, he's screaming again. He did that when he self- destructed the Gundam."
"Here, let me read the box, honey. Zero System Duo screams and...vibrates? I don't think this a good toy for you...."


Braid with bombs and lockpicks attachment.
Saving Heero action.
Saving Relena Action.
Befriending Quatre action.
Helping doctors action.**
Saving Hilde Action.
Hospital action.

[3] Trowa

*Talking Dolls

"Mommy, this one is definitely broken."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah see..."

"Gundam Wing Customer Service, how may I help you?"
"This Trowa doll is definitely broken! It won't talk."
"If you'll care to read the box, ma'am, you'll notice the talking mechanism only works after self-destruction."

"Hey! Bring your Quatre doll, closer Mikey. NOW he's talking."
"Like Furbies...COOL!"

"Keep the Heero doll *away*. Now, he's laughing and it's scaring my baby sister!"

*The Self-Destruct Mechanism

"Susie, put Catherine doll over there! He won't blow up when she's around!"
"You're making her cry, Mikey!"
"So, she's making *him* cry!"

"Hey mom, I told it to self-detonate but all it's doing is
Twenty minutes later...

"HEY! The Quatre doll stopped him too! Go away Susie!!!"

*Special Features

~Clown Trowa~
Comes with mask, magnetic knives and lion. Catherine sold separately.

"Mommy, he's wearing funny pants."
"Hey! He's blowing away..."

~Amnesia Trowa~
"Mommy, he looks funny."
"He's kinda smiling..."
"But not."
"And he looks stupider than usual..."

~Infiltration Trowa~
Comes with uniform, clever non-Gundam Pilot disguise and has the ability to make Deathscythe self-destruct.

"He looks the same to me..."
"But it's the uniform."


Removable bang.
Comes with flute.
Flipping and spinning action.
Withstanding knife throwing action.
Sparkly tear action.
Saving Quatre Action.
Punching Duo action. (infiltrator mode only)

[4] Quatre

*Talking Dolls

"Daddy, tell it to shut up."

"Maybe we should buy the Gundam."
"My dear Sandrock..."

"Mommy, we're not *that* nice Why does he keep saying we're nice?"
"The people on the Earth are kind..."

*The Self-Destruct Mechanism

"Thank you Sandrock."
"That was totally jipped, man..."

"Susie, just take your dolls away. Especially Trowa!"
"But you just told me to take Quatre away..."
"Now I'm *playing* with the Quatre doll." (3)

*Special Features

~Zero System Quatre~
Caution: May be dangerous to small children.

Father: *trips over Quatre doll*
Quatre: BWAHAHA! I will destroy you all!
Father: My GI Joe never did that...

Child: Daddy, his eye is twitching.

~Desert Quatre~
Comes with walking stick, biblical robe and smoking ruin of jet.


Comes with Violin.
Maguanac dolls sold separately.
Comes with tea set.
Inspiring comrades action.
Space heart action.
Befriending Noin and Relena action.

~Believing in everyone action~
"I'm going to strap YOU to a rocket, Quatre doll."
"Space is such fun."

[5] Wufei

*Talking Dolls

Small Child: *pushes button*

"What the hell was that?!?"
"Just Wufei..."

"Mommy, the doll's insulting me!!!"
"You stupid woman..."
"That's it! This is going back!"

"That's worse than the woman crack! DIE DOLLY!"

Broken Doll: Nataku I was not strong enough....

*The Self-Destruct Mechanism

"Hey, this is even worse than the Duo doll! He doesn't even have a button!"

*Outraged Mother stores into a store* "This is RIDICULOUS. I paid extra for an exploding Wufei doll! I want it to goddamn explode!!!"

"Denounce me, Nataki."
"No denouncing, just exploding!"

*Special Features

~Zero System Wufei~
"Mommy...he's acting normally. What's up with this?"

~Defeated Wufei~
Comes with stationary Nataku, auto-tear ducts and new action phrases! "Why?!? Why wasn't I strong enough?"


Comes with sword.
Karate chop action.
Insulting women action.
Saving rebels action.
Suspended animation action.
Antagonizing rebels action.
Keep away from Treize doll...action

~Motorcycle sold separately~.
"I'll race your Barbie's Beetle against my Wufei!"

[6] Misc.

*Ages Ten + *Under*

There are good reasons why older children, teenagers and college students should not have the dolls.

"Mommy, Kathy keeps taking my Duo and Heero dolls! And Idon't know what she's doing with them."
"*mimicking Duo's voice* Oh Heero...ummm...hi Mom..."

"WHAT are you doing to your sister's doll?"
"You squished her little head in."
"It's an improvement."

*No substitutes

"Mommy, I asked for a Barbie doll (tm)..."
"I know honey, but can't you dress up this doll and do his hair?"
"Mommy, he's wearing SPANDEX. And his hair is funny."

"Honey, shouldn't you dress him up in Ken's clothes?"
"But his hair is pretty and long like Barbie's, not Ken."

"Kathy, put down the Relena doll. And the pins..."

"Daddy, the one with the funny forked eyebrows is hitting on Barbie...." (3)

~Or vice versa

"This is a Ken. Ken doesn't fight! Ken doesn't insult women! Ken doesn't scream injustice! I want a WUFEI!"

~Gundam sold separately....

*GW Friends....

~Treize and Wufei dolls fight each other.
~Zechs and Heero also engage in combat.
~Relena-doll just makes noise.
~Dorothy doll ages 17+ up.
~Crazy scientists may cause trauma to small children. Are most effective purchased as a group.
~Noin doll is useless without Relena or Zechs doll.
~Lady Une: Better than reversible outfit Barbie!

*Special Edition Dolls

~ChChChCHIA!! Now Heero's hair really IS moss green....

~Christmas edition:

It's Jingle Bell rock Wufei! See him swing his hips to the rhythm.
1x2 Forever Ornaments.
Quatre angel plays silent night.
Trowa ornament...just hang him by his bang!!!
Christmas Relena doubles as Queen Relena and Vice Foreign Minister
Relena. Has a tendency to get kidnaped.

~School Edition

Heero doll magically transforms into his Cinq Kingdom outfit!
Basketball Duo and Heero come as a set...we must wonder why...

~My size Gundam

Though, aren't they a little short?

Little Girl: *runs up to Trowa* He's just my-OWWWWW!

*Gundam Costumes

"Mom, this Spandex is chafing."

"I can't move in these jeans."

"Isn't this pink?!?!"

"I get poofy pants."

"I don't wanna wear a wig."
"Mikey stop lassoing your sister with that braid!!!"

*Gundam Safehouse...puts Barbie's Dreamhouse to the test!!!


[back to Lyssira's fic]