By: Lyssira, Syren and Kojin
Note: Not to be taken seriously, of course.

Why Gundam Pilots Should Not Have Children

[1] It's all about the Yaoi...

*The lack of a womb tends to hinder the production of children.

*And who is Wufei going to have children with? The air?


Lady #1: Oh lovely, you want to adopt. Now, where is your wife?
Heero: Right there.
Lady # 1: Oh...ummm..onward!

*Or even if they can adopt...former occupations including: Gundam Pilots.

Lady #2 :Yeah they can save the world but can we entrust children
to these people?

*The child just right for you...

Lady # 1: Katie, don't bite the nice man.
Lady# 2: No, his braid is not a swing, Jimmy.
Child #1: Look at his hair, it's all sharp and pointy.
Child #2: Why is he glaring like that? Did something knock down his  blocks too?
Child #3: He's scahing me.

Quatre: Oh what a lovely child.
Child: #4: I ain't no child, I'm a chirin.

*Or if we find the right surrogate lady...

Dorothy: Quatre, I don't like the way you're raising my baby.
Quatre: You can have it! It's just like you anyway!

Relena: Heeeeeeeero!
Baby #1: Daddy, make mommy stop doing that!"

Hilde: Duo, he may NOT play with your gun.

Trowa: We're going to leave you with aunty Catherine, now.
Baby #2: No...the knives! Not the knives!

[2] There is that whole feeding thing.

*Johnson's carnation? Or shall we breast feed?

Duo: Heero, it's's biting me.

Duo:'s the fake one...c'mon honey, suck it.
Heero: Duo! Not around the baby!

Quatre: She spit it out, Trowa.
Trowa: Why?
Quatre: I don't know.
Trowa: Lemme try it.
Quatre: Eww...
Trowa: Oh, it's cold, Quatre. You're supposed to warm it up.
Quatre: And how would YOU know?
Trowa: I read it in a book.
Quatre: Evil...circus...clown.

Quatre: She spit out again. On me.
Trowa: Let me get that.
Quatre: Kay.
Trowa: Damn, this looks familiar.


Duo: Why Heero, what a lovely shade of...spinach?

Wufei: It threw it at me!
Sally: Babies do that, Wufei.
Wufei: Not MY baby!

Heero: Duo, that's for the baby.
Duo: But here try it. It's good.
Heero: Mmm...better than rations.
Baby#1: Waaaaaaah! Waaaaah!
Duo: Shit! Oh sweetie, Daddy's sorry!
Heero: Yeah you are.

Sally: Here honey, mommy's got your...WUFEI!
Wufei: What's the matter with you onna?
Sally: Wufei, why is our child running away with your sword.."
Wufei: Towards those...sheep?
Sally: Oh dear.

[3] Daddy's good looks?

*Let's see...3x4

Trowa: It's got your beautiful blue eyes.
Quatre: And your grace.
Trowa: And your complexion.
Quatre: And your....bang.

Trowa: Why is it so short?
Quatre: It's only a baby Trowa!
Trowa: Why are you so short?
Quatre: You never said that before!

Doctor #1: My came out with a mask.
Doctor #2: You don't see that everyday...

*And 1x2

Heero: Duo, it tripped over its braid.
Duo: She's got her other Daddy's grace.
Heero: Couch.
Duo: Porch.
Baby#1: Goo...cwadle.

Duo: Look at those eyes!
Heero: Yeah, just like yours. Though they're a little like...Quatre's.
Duo: Really? I hadn't noticed.

Duo; That hair! It'll never untangle.
Heero: Wasn't ever a problem for me.
Duo: No comment.
Heero: What?
Duo: Just cuz your comb is made of gundanium...


Wufei: Injustice!
Sally: What?
Sally: It's WHAT?
Wufei: Blonde.

Baby #3: Waaah! Waaaaaaaaah! WAHHH!
Wufei: Silence baby!
Sally: Her first word. She's yours.

[4] School

*First day

Teacher #1: Oh what does your Daddy do?
G-Child #1: Which one?

Child #2: My daddy was a sea captain.
Child #3: My daddy was a general.
G-Child#1: My daddy killed your daddies.


G-Child #2: Injustice! You cannot give me an A-! That is an A+
Teacher #2: You spelled cat wrong, honey.
G-Child#2: No, you've been spelling it wrong for years! My way is

*Teacher conferences

Teacher #1: Mr. Yuy, your son refused to speak in class the entire  day.
Heero: Hn.

Teacher #1: Your daughter, Mr. Maxwell, is very vocal.
Duo: What do you mean?
Teacher #1: She speaks with much enthusiasm. Maybe you should have  the Yuys over to play?
Duo: You have no idea.
Teacher #1: Pardon?
Duo: Never mind.

G-Child #3: Daddy, she took away my laptop!
Quatre: But my daughter is the heir to the Winner fortune!
Teacher #3: Then she can afford going without it until the end of  the term.

Heero: Why'd they take it sweetie?
G-Child #1: I was hacking into the teacher's bank account.
Heero: What?!!?
G-Child #1: She's a mean lady.
Heero: What did I tell you about hacking?
G-Child #1: That it's bad and I shouldn't do it.
Duo: Now what did your Daddy tell you about it?
G-Child #1: That I should only do it when people aren't looking.
Duo: Then, obviously, you weren't listening to either of us.

*The principal

P: It has been brought to my attention that your children are bringing
weapons to school...
G-Boys: Did they use them?
G-Boys: Okay then.

[5] The teenage years

*The clothing game

G-Teen #1: Daddy, I need new shoes.
Duo: We just bought you a pair.
G-Teen #1: But that was last week. They're out of style.
Duo: Then do what we did.
G-Teen #1: Which is?
Duo: Make them a style.

Heero: You're NOT leaving this house like that!
G-Teen #1: Why not!?!
Heero: Duo!
Duo: I think she looks fine.
Heero: No way!
G-Teen #1: This from the man who wears spandex...

G-Teen #2: Dad, you can't come to parent-night like that.
Quatre: Why not?
G-Teen #2: That shirt is pink. And khaki slacks are out.
Quatre: You didn't say anything to him.
G-Teen #2: He's just cooler than you.

Wufei: No. No child of mine is dressing like a prostitute.
Sally: Wufei!
Wufei: Absolutely not.
Sally: Wufei, it's just a pair of shorts.
Wufei: Too short.
Sally: They're practically down to her knees!
Wufei: In my day girls weren't allowed to wear shorts. They were
respectful and kept themselves clothed.
Sally: Then I'll stay respectfully clothed tonight while you sleep

Duo: Where're my leather pants?
Heero: On our son.
Duo: WHAT?!?!
G-Teen #1: You're just too old to pull that off, Dad.
Duo: Oh fuck that!
Heero: Duo!
Duo: What? He says it all the time.
Heero: God, help me. They're both still teenagers.
Duo: What's that supposed to mean?
Heero: I'll tell you when he leaves.

*The Dating Game

Trowa: Honey, where are you going?
G-Teen #2: Out.
Trowa: Out where?
G-Teen #2: No where.
Trowa: Then you can go no where in your room.

G-Teen #1: I'm leaving!
Duo: Leaving where?
G-Teen #1: On my date?
Duo: With a boy?
G-Teen #1: Yeah dad, I'm not like Aunt Relena and Uncle Dorothy.

Date #1: Hi, I'm here to-
Heero: Who are you?
Date #1: Ummm...*insert guy's name*.
Heero: Driver's license please.
Date #1: Sure...
Heero: Do you drink?
Date #1: No.
Heero: Where are you going?
Date #1: The movies.
Heero: Was anyone in your family ever involved in a felony?
G-Teen #1: DAD!

Wufei: You little hussy, you cannot go out with my son!
Sally: Wufei...
G-Teen #3: DAD!
Wufei: You can do better than that.
Sally: Wufei...
Wufei: What?
Sally: Your son hates you.

G-Teen #1: Daddy what are you doing?
Duo: I tried to stop him, honest.
Heero: Chewing gum, is it? Well I know what you're really after.

G-Teen #1: Dads, I'm pregnant. It was *insert name*
Duo: Shit.
G-Teen #1: Where's Daddy going?.
Duo: I don't know but I have a feeling we'll be settling out of

Quatre: Oh, hi, welcome to the Winner-Barton house.
G-Teen #2: Ok, bye Dad. We can go-
Quatre: Would you like some tea and cookies?
G-Teen #2: Dad we have to-
Trowa: Love, I think you're a bit tense.
Quatre: I'm not tense, Trowa but our baby...
Trowa: Just left.

Date #2: Oh, hi, I'm here to pick up *insert name.*
Duo: Oh good.
Date #2: Cool.
Duo: But remember, I know where you live.
Date #2: Kay.
Duo: And if one hair on her head is harmed or dislocated in any
way, I will hunt you down and blow the-
Heero: Duo!
Duo: What? I was just talking to our new friend.
G-Teen #1: He did it again?

G-Teen #1`: *flips on lights* Daddy, I'm home. I invited *insert
name* in...
Date #3: Hi!
G-Teen #1: Holy-
Duo: *falls off couch* Ooops...umm...Heero, we have company.
Heero: *zips jeans*
G-Teen #1: You guys are so...argh!

Trowa: Wufei!
Wufei: What Barton?
Trowa: Your son, is dating OUR daughter.
Wufei: You're kidding!
G-Teen #2: Our dads know each other. Dude.
Wufei: MY SON? What about YOUR DAUGHTER?

[6] Leaving the nest...

Trowa: She's graduating.
Quatre: I know, our baby's all grown, up Trowa.
Trowa: What are those sparkles?
Quatre: We've been over this. They're tears.
Trowa: Oh right.

Heero: Hn. Mission accomplished.
Duo: *sob* Yeah. And she's so beautiful.

Wufei: *cough* I'm not emotional at all.
Sally: You're in that river again Wufei...the big one. Africa.
Wufei: Not true.
Sally: Liar. That's a tear.
Wufei: There's dust.

Quatre: She's leaving us. She can't. She's only a baby!
"I'm 21, Dad."


[back to Lyssira's fic]