Author: Lyssira
Disclaimer: I own nothing. NOTHING! Waiii! ;_;
Warnings: Extreme silliness and pointless-ness. extremely corny
Pairings: heehee...1+2 implied
Note: This is the result of Lyssira's perpetual state of boredom in Spanish 2 (I suck at foreign languages...and not in the good, yaoi associated way). Hopefully you'll find it funnier than el profesor did. ^_^0

Heero Yuy's Guide to Surviving Highschool

# One: They are the enemy.
# Two: Never forget Rule # One
# Three: Extra Hot Salsa gives you indigestion...O.o;;

- 1 Standard Issue handgun
- 1 Standard Issue Beam Cannon
- Standard Issue textbooks
- Standard issue detonation devices
- Standard issue bullets
- 1 Braided Baka (not standard issue but very useful nonetheless)

Heero: These are my policies for surviving Public High School. Not recommended to be tested during real life, though you are welcome to try.

I. Your Peers:
*Look fellow students in the eye. It frightens them.
*Do not draw standard issue handgun unless there is a desperate need. The average high-schooler does not take kindly to an armed peer.
*Beam Canon policy. (See Above)
*Deathglaring cheerleaders, school journalist and SGA officers is pointless due to the unfortunate fact they are immune.
*Aforementioned student body members are also unaffected by the repeated use of the phrase 'Omae o Korosu.'
*Reminder: Every blonde student is NOT out to get you, schedule stalking-recovery sessions with psychiatrist when given an opportunity.

II. Vocabulary:
*Use monosyllables only. Hn, Yes, No, and various four letter expletives are all that's necessary.
*Foreign languages do not include Hn-speak, unfortunately most teachers are not well versed in that dialect.

III. Detonation:
*Since self destruction of locker may be required daily have Lt. Zechs construct several replacements.
*Only self detonate locker after threatening it severely, rerouting the combination and attempting to remove hinges. [1]
*When self detonating locker, step back ten paces, check for clear hallway, then press the button.
*If caught detonating locker claim temporary insanity as result of Zero System (innocent acting classes via Quatre).
*Insert Zero System excerpt in standard Psychology textbook.
*Self detonation in classroom due to poor test score is acceptable.
*Self detonation due to partner's low test score is not.

IV. Wardrobe:

*Standard issue spandex and tanktop are not considered appropriate for High School.
*Replace with jeans and tanktop.
*Apologize to Spandex Deity later on.
*Since the building has a tendency to be freezing in winter and broiling in summer, wardrobe must change accordingly.
*Partner's wardrobe should do the same.

V. Cafeteria Meals:
*Approach cafeteria food with caution. Consider bringing standard issue rations as a substitution.
*If cafeteria food attempts to EAT braided partner or in anyway appears suspicious take appropriate action.

VI. Partner:
*It is considered unacceptable behavior to lock braided partner in storage closets, back stair ways and lockers.
*It is acceptable to gag partner with braid or food or tongue when the situation calls for it.
*"Mission Reviews" with braided partner are not recommended to take place in school restrooms.
*The above IS recommended in empty locker rooms when the other classmates have exited for physical education.
*Standard stance of leaning against a wall is acceptable. Shoving partner against said wall and...reprimanding him is not.

This is your briefing soldier. Good luck.
Concentrate. Lock and load.

Ninmu Ryoukai.


[1] Author has attempted all three...-_-0 Locker is evil...

[back to Lyssira's fic]