Pairings: 1+2+1, 3+4+3, R+D+R (blink and you'll miss it)
Warnings: Angst. Death? Depends on your definition. Some swearing. POV
and journal entries.
Feedback: Love it, crave it, desire it, feed off of it!
Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING! Sadly.
Myself and I
The first thing I remembered
were people asking me questions. I don't remember answering them... I
just remember the confusion. I didn't know why people would ask me things.
I don't remember... anything.
The doctors are confused now. A nice change, since they've driven me crazy
for the past few months. They can't figure out why, but depending on the
question, I either answer in English or Japanese. Never mind the fact
that I can't either. I don't even realize I do it. They ask me questions
about me and I respond in English, they ask me questions about if I have
any family or loved ones and I respond in Japanese or English. Go figure.
I love it. They can't figure it out.
The weird dreams are getting to me though. Lots of color and flashes.
Hints of people... vague shapes... color of hair... but I can't ever figure
out what they look like. At least I know I'm not blind.
The Doc's said they had to do extensive reconstructive surgery and shit
to my face, including my eyes, because of where they found me. Evidently
some mobile suit crashed into an apartment building. They figure I was
the only survivor, but with all the crispy-fied victims, they don't know
if I was a pilot of one of the 4 suits or if I was a tenant. They just
know I wasn't blind cause I remember color and what people look like.
I'm claiming this as my new birthday. They took the bandages off of my
face today so I can see for the first time in months! To encourage my
memory and stuff they've suggested I keep a journal. This one.
Some rich chick's paid for all my surgery and stuff. Her name's Mariemaia
Barton. Evidently this chick was some snot nosed kid that tried to take
over the world a couple of years back. She had mobile suits and everything.
Well, since her soldiers kinda ended up causing a lot of damage, and she
feels bad about that, any damage caused by the now outlawed suits she
takes care of with a special trust fund. It isn't all her money, she gets
donations and all for it. She knew folks would try to make more suits
or something and decided to take care of the folks that might get hurt.
At least she's cool now. We get along really well.
Funny thing is... everyone seems to hate mobile suits, but... I don't
know. I got hurt by one, indirectly, but I don't hate 'em. It's the pilot
that causes the damage. Someone has to be able to pilot them and not cause
damage. Ok ok, so the suits are built to cause damage but still!
Anyway, they took the bandages off. I'm looking at my face now. I know
it's not right. And not because I don't have any hair. I don't even know
what color that's supposed to be. But my face, it doesn't look... right.
My eyes are blue. I bet, in the right light, they might look purple-ish.
Sunglasses... where did they go. My eyes aren't used to all the light.
Ah, there. All better.
I'm also fish belly white. That's gotta be from being inside this hospital.
Mostly though, it's my nose, cheekbones and jaw that don't look right.
Evidently they did as much surgery as they could with what I had left
but there were some bits of bone missing (I don't want to know how hard
I hit and got buried by the wall that I managed to leave bits of bone
behind) so Mariemaia told the doc's to fill in with what genetic structure
stuff she had in her family background. She feels kinda sorry for me not
having any family any more so she had her families estate adopt me. I'm
her big brother now.
That's weird. I don't think I've ever been anyone's big brother. Mariemaia
told me I'd better pick out a name for myself since I can't remember mine.
I'll get around to it. How much really goes with Barton anyway?
Well... I've decided that I don't like going to the psychiatrist. It doesn't
help that I went feeling awkward to begin with. She took a look at my
journal. She noticed I didn't have anything in here about how I ended
up in the hospital. I showed her my entry that the nurse did, the second
one. She wanted to know more.
So I told her, the rescuers found me buried under a wall a building and
a bit away from the crash site. I was close enough that I could've come
from the original crash site since I was on the outside of the building
but that they weren't sure who I was. Because of my impact with the wall
I'd broken every bone just about on the front side of my body and my clothes
and hair got all burned off. I've seen pictures of how my skin looked.
It wasn't pretty.
She asked how long I'd been in the hospital and I told her. All wonderful
8 months. Have I mentioned yet that I don't like rehab either?
She asked why I didn't have any scars on my face. I reminded her about
the skin grafts and advanced surgical techniques. My skin is barely
mine. They regenerated it and bonded it on. I even showed her the scar
at the base of my throat that went around my neck. They had to basically
clone all the skin on my head just so I could have hair again.
Funny thing is that's the only scar that didn't heal and fade completely.
At least I don't have to tell people, should they notice the very faint
line around my new scalp, that I didn't get plastic surgery or some joke
like that. Even if it is kinda true.
Maybe I'll get a tattoo around my neck to hide the scar. I have enough
of them on the rest of my body. I could hide this one that way. Nah...
I'm just feeling self-conscious again cause she asked about it. Don't
She wants to know if I remember anything. It all is object associated
though. And it's just impressions.
She says the chances of me remembering anything now are slim to none.
I really don't want to think about that.
She asked me if I would be willing to try hypnosis.
I figure why bother. No one came to visit me in the hospital. Then again,
the hospital did a DNA search for me, but had problems with the chemical
burns from the fuel explosions... Nothing uncontaminated to type. And
with the chances of finding a DNA match in this day and age are next to
impossible. What with 13 billion people in the known universe and all.
I wish they'd give me something interesting to read or listen to. Manga!
That would be nifty. Maybe I can convince Mariemaia to bring something
in next time. Ok, so I've only seen her 20 times in the past 6 months
but... it's a possibility.
Mariemaia reminded me about my need for a name. They're getting real tired
of calling me John Doe. It kinda sounds right though. The psych agrees,
course she tends to nod at just about everything I say. Maybe she's not
agreeing. Mariemaia say's a friend of hers once called 'em shrinks.
That sounds more right than John Doe though. For a name for someone, that
So I looked through a Dictionary to find a name. I started at the back.
Figured I'd fine more stuff. I found this word dyad. It means
a pair. I kinda like that. I have a pair of lives. The one I don't remember
and the one I do. It'll work. Dyad Barton. I need a middle name. Dyad
Barton sounds too short. And like someone else. Not as in it doesn't sound
like me, but that it actually sounds like someone else's name kinda.
Dyad... Maximillian Barton. It... it doesn't sound right, but it sounds
more right than just Dyad Barton. Dyad Maximillian Barton.
Mariemaia's laughing at me.
She better have brought the manga's and the music. If she didn't, I think
I'll tickle her unmercifully.
Free at last, I'm free at last! I love Halloween! Day of the dead, I love
it! And I don't love it just for the sugar rush of candy I wasn't supposed
to have! I got released today! After 10 months of being in the hospital
I'm finally free! It was 10 months and 3 days ago that my accident happened
and now I'm going to Mariemaia's country home! She's still corralled by
her guardian who's a big shot in the Preventers so she's letting me use
Hmm... Once I get back on my feet completely, I could join in the fun
with them. Sounds like something I'd get a kick out of.
The house is nifty at least. I've got access to a private beach!
Too bad I'm not allowed to swim in the surf for another 4 months at least.
Damn spinal injuries. Have to stick with the pool. Lady Une gave me the
keys to this place. Had an odd look on her face when she did too. I half
expected a mansion and not this 4 bedroom place near the ocean 5 miles
from the nearest town.
Some of the doorways are a little difficult to navigate with the cane
but it's neat. There are so many colors! No red though, that's the strange
part. I mean, there's some deep wine colors, but nothing that's a vibrant
red. Or rust browns...
Mariemaia gave me some cookbooks and told me that for a couple months
I'd have a housekeeper living here to help me out with meals and everything.
I guess she's still a little frazzled with the microwave incident on the
Lady Une and Mariemaia are gone now. And as I sit here looking out at
the ocean, I can't shake the feeling that this place is somehow familiar.
There's an ache. An uncomfortable feeling that I shouldn't be alone in
a place like this.
The housekeeper's here. Later.
Ok, I know where everything is. This is kinda weird. I haven't made an
effort to know where things are, I just know. Meg, the housekeeper, seems
a little surprised herself. The really weird thing is that sometimes I
see her looking at me oddly. Not often, she's only done it twice... but...
I asked Mariemaia (note to self, shorten her name to M, takes too long
to write) how she got a house here in America on the west coast. She got
really quiet. She said that a friend asked her to take care of it for
him. She didn't talk long after that. I just don't see how someone would
give a place like this up. I haven't found anything personal about this
place, just all the color and the view and the pool. I get the feeling
that someone loved this place and really lived in it. But judging from
M's reaction, I'd say that something happened... Something bad and so
all memories of the happy people were removed so they wouldn't hurt any
I guess this house has another chance just like I do. No more memories,
but willing to make new ones.
Mariemaia called today. She wished me a happy Thanksgiving and told me
she was sorry she wasn't able to get out here to spend it with me.
I told her that was ok. Evidently the friend of hers who told her to take
care of the house is having a hard time with the holidays. Who ever it
is, I don't blame them. Meg offered to stay and keep me company, but I
shoo-ed her off to spend the time with her family. I'm in the mood for
company, but not hers. If that makes any sense. I just want some quiet
gathering. The one that appears in my dreams sometimes. It's a group of
all different people... All the different shades of hair color. I even
see me in there, though my hair never is the same length. Sometimes it's
short, other times it's really really long. My hair is almost chin-length
I never actually want to cut it. It's weird. They trimmed it in the hospital,
but I just kept telling them to let it grow. Maybe that's something from
my past. The shrink says it might be.
I've started drawing. I'm not very good. I've been trying to draw the
sunsets and Meg and my feet, but so far my muscle control isn't good enough
to make them look like what they're supposed to be. The physical therapist
that comes to the house thinks it's a good idea though for me to keep
I just get frustrated. I'm supposed to be better than this!
Mariemaia stopped by today. She said that the friend of hers, one Heero
Yuy by name, was close to committing suicide. Again. That got me mad.
M and I got in a big argument. I mean, here's a guy who hasn't had the
best life (or so I was later told by Meg two days ago) and lost their
love (probably the one who decorated the house) but he has his family
and friends, interchangeable, and his memories! He has a career he can
be proud of, he's respected and loved and cared for and he was about set
to throw it away because he couldn't imagine life continuing without that
It's kinda romantic, but I'd think that if he really loved that person
so much he'd live for them so that when they get reunited in the here-after,
he can tell them that he lived his life for them. That he experienced
life and participated in it so they could too through him.
M didn't think I was being fair and told me I didn't know anything about
She's right, I don't. And I don't know why I feel the way I do but I do!
And how does he know that person was The One anyway? His true
love could be alive somewhere and he wouldn't even know it because he's
too caught up in the past.
After M and Une left, I went out to the pool deck and just looked out
toward the ocean. Meg came out a while later and found me crying. I didn't
even know I was. Crying I mean. I hadn't done that since they changed
the burn dressings in the hospital.
Meg asked Mariemaia if she could stay on. She doesn't want to go back
to running the diner in town and she knows I'd be lonely. I don't want
her to go either. Mariemaia agreed. I sure do love M sometimes.
Did I tell you that she apologized to me for the fight we had after thanksgiving?
I apologized right back. She confirmed my suspicions about the house.
And guess what? She's staying for the rest of the month! Une said she
could stay and so she is! We are gonna have so much fun.
Something happened. I went into town with M on the 3rd and we went looking
for art for the house. My drawing is progressing but it still isn't up
to par really. It's cartoony looking. Anyway, we stopped in at the diner
that Meg's family runs now and I saw a piece of art on the wall. Now,
everything had a price in the place except this piece, never mind that
this piece was one I really liked. Funny thing is, it's just a pair of
hands intertwined. It's a view I saw in my head one night about a week
ago. That's what got me started on drawing hands and giving up feet.
I asked about it and Meg's sister got this sad look on her face. She told
me that it wasn't for sale. I asked her for the story behind it but told
her she didn't have to tell me if she didn't want to. Kay said it was
ok and she told me the story. Apparently it was done by the partner of
Heero Yuy! Duo Maxwell! Apparently he died in the big moble suit thingy
in the city where I was found!
I kinda got sick to my stomach then... Duo Maxwell. The name sounded so
familiar. M musta mentioned him. But... I couldn't help thinking about
my own name. Dyad Maximillian Barton. I feel like I'm walking this guy's
footsteps. The name, drawings he's done, his house, his friends... friend.
It's freaky. I left fairly quickly. M didn't understand but she figured
the house and all kinda freaked me out now so she didn't press it. I don't
think she fully understands though.
I went Christmas shopping today. I finally managed to draw something I'm
proud of so I figured I'd get a frame and frame it for M. I also picked
up a gift certificate for Meg and I decided to get something for the infamous
Heero Yuy. M told me that she told him I was using his house and he didn't
mind. She did pass on the fact that if I messed anything up he said he'd
kill me. She said it with a smile though so it must be a joke. Real funny.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
After an exhausting two hours wandering around, I finally found it. (Maybe
I should use the cane for the next couple of days... nah.) It's a puzzle
box. If you don't move certain parts, you can't get it to open. I'm gonna
put some stuff in the box too. A thank you letter, a key to the house
(Mariemaia said he gave her all the keys to the place), a picture of a
sunset at the house and a candle. I'm not sure about the candle though.
I hope he doesn't take it the wrong way... Maybe I'll put a note in with
See, the thing with the candle is this, it's a reminder that the lighter
of the candle has to act like a light in the world for their departed
ones. It's like saying, hey, I remember you and I promise to never forget
you and to live my life as you would prefer I live it- true to your memory.
It's also symbolic of not being alone in the darkness of life without
his loved one. An obscure invitation to bring memories back to the house...
if he so wished.
Yeah, the candle will go with. Now I just have to pick up a couple other
things for the folks that help me out and say hi and all. And Lady Une.
Maybe some bath stuff... I bet she'd like rose scented stuff.
The shrink'll get candy. I can't wait until I no longer have to do vid-appointments
with her. The phone is only slightly less nasty than in person things
we did at the hospital.
Well, remember how I talked about signing up for the Preventers?
Well, I did, right after Christmas. M thinks this is a bad idea, victim
of a m.s. oops signing up for something that was partially responsible
for the oops in the first place. Never mind that I might actually get
thrown into one for some scavenger mission. Little does she know that
I think it's a fabulous idea.
M loved her present. I did a sketch of her watching the sunset. She said
it was similar to something that Duo once did for her. That weirded me
out. I don't want to think about that.
At any rate, M called me when she got back to Une's place. She gave Heero
and Une their presents from me and they were both surprised by them. Une
opened hers first. She just stared for a while with an odd sort of smile
on her face. Evidently Heero figured out the box fairly quickly, but wasn't
expecting to find the things he did. He just stared. They both sent thank
I really don't understand that concept. Doesn't saying thank you over
the vid work just as well?
The thing that really weirded me out was what M said they both agreed
on. These were presents that Duo'd give. More or less.
Gives me the chills. I can't be Duo 'cause it's impossible. They didn't
find a piece of his gundam any bigger than a pen cap. There was no way
he could've survived. I don't want to think about this.
P.S. At least I don't have to wear the sunglasses most of the time. My
eyes are finally almost completely re-adjusted for normal light and all.
Today was my first day as a Preventer cadet. All that rehab did me some
sort of good. I managed to pass the basic physical exams. Lady Une said
she'd put me on desk work until I got declared good as new from the doctor.
The testing folks said I had a knack for finding holes in stuff though
so they are pairing me with one of the folks who's good at planning basics
but bad at the details.
I find out who my partner is tomorrow.
January 18th I knew I knew that box! Can you believe it? Heero Yuy? Mr.
Almost-sucidal from Thanksgiving and savior of the world happens to be
Dyad Barton's partner? I asked M about it when I got back to the house-
she just said her guardian had a knack for seeing things in people. I
think she pulled strings because of M's feelings.
This guy though... Heero Yuy drop-dead gorgeous. He has amazing hair,
I can't believe he really doesn't do anything to actually make it stick
out like that. It's fashionably messy, probably soft. And his eyes, they're
so intense... but cold, so cold.
It's odd. For someone who seems to have loved someone so intensely, none
of that passion seemed to stick around. He barely talks and never to me.
It's like I'm not there. He'll sketch out a mission, hand it to me, then
take it back when I hand it to him.
He hasn't even said anything about the box or the house... Yet he has
the box on his desk.
I wonder if he's even connected me with the person who gave him that stuff.
Not that I'm looking for a gushing thank you or anything but... I guess
I just want some kind of connection. Yeah, I'm his partner but that was
all Une. I want something because of me... or him. I don't know.
You know something... I'm glad my collar covers up the scar. I've never
been self conscious about it before really... I was for a while once I
got unwrapped but...
I had a bad month. The shrink said it was post traumatic stress syndrome.
I really don't care.
This is what I know. The 1 year anniversary combined with seeing Heero
shoved me over an edge in my mind. The last thing I remember is sitting
at my desk hearing Heero tell someone else to tell me something to do.
Not like it was that unusual... But it still stung. So the next thing
I knew I was in the hospital waking up and that it was February 24th.
It hurt. I can understand if having me as a partner after your last one
died makes you a little hostile. But to go out of your way to ignore them?
To force them to watch as you wallow in sorrow as the 1 year anniversery
of your lovers death comes up on you even as their trying to deal with
their own shit regarding the loss of everything they knew... Even now
I feel the chill go up my arms.
It's a shock to hear from Quatre, the one Heero had been talking to who
later visited me in the hospital to explain things, that I had just fallen
out of my chair, curled up into a fetal position and started crying. He
said that he almost collapsed when he felt the backwash from me. He said
he wasn't even a strong empath, but that his bond with me for some odd
reason was really strong and it felt like I stabbed him.
That does wonders for one's self esteem.
I asked if he could bring me a drawing tablet next time he came to visit.
Somehow, I knew he would. Today, the first thing he did was to hand one
I freaked a couple people out today. See, my hair reaches just past my
chin now and normally I pull it back in a pony tail. I figured I'd try
and sketch myself with long hair. Really long hair. Just to see what it'd
look like. They've been after me to cut it at work. Not like they ever
give Wufei any grief about his.
So I used the mirror in the room and tried it. It didn't come out right
though. I made the cheekbones a little different as well as the nose and
chin. And I put my hair in a braid. I looked a little funny
so I gave myself bangs. I knew I didn't look like that, the picture, but
it looked... right. I showed Quatre when he came next and he just turned
pale. He asked me where I'd gotten a picture of Duo.
See, Heero never lets pictures of Duo stay around where he could see them.
Quatre knows that. Personally, I think it's a stupid, idiotic way of grieving...
Dishonoring their life and memory like that. Gee I sound like Wufei.
Anyway, I told him I'd never seen a picture of him to know if it was.
He took a picture out of his wallet that was a few years old. It was of
Duo and Heero. Made me smile to see a smile on Heero's face. He never
does. Damn he looked good. Well... my smile faded quickly when I looked
at Duo. The sketch I'd done of me was a spitting image of the Duo in the
picture except for the positioning.
I looked up to see him staring at me. He looked kinda amazed and horrified
at the same time. Then he asked if he could borrow the picture.
I told him he could because it wasn't really me that I'd drawn and he
dashed off with my tablet. That kinda pissed me off cause then I didn't
have anything to do. M came by later and was acting weird and asked me
about the picture.
I really wish I hadn't done it now.