Me, Myself and I (cont)


April 3rd

I think they lied when they said memory couldn't come back after 3 months. Wufei took me on a trip. He said it was a mission but I have my doubts about the kind of mission. We went to L2. I had weird dreams the entire time. I also led the way most of the places we went.

It wasn't like things were familiar, as much as they were just things I knew. Like speaking Japanese and English.

Heero was glad to see me go though. Evidently my calling him Yuy-chan had gotten on his nerves a bit much. I only did it for the short bit, as a kind of pay back, after I got out of the hospital between the hospital stay and the trip.

We're now sitting in a control room of this neat "underground" lab. Found it a short while ago, yes on L2. Wufei's online with Trowa telling him what we found. I'm playing with buttons, nothing's labeled and it's my job to find out what this stuff does. So far so good.

Ooh! Nifty! Laser sites! And the button next to it even fire's 'em! Remind me to apologize to Wufei when he figures out that I just blew the rear tire on the jeep.

It's like I've been in this place before. But that it's been a really long time.

People don't move fr
om the colonies to Earth though, maybe I just knew a place like this on Earth.



April 21st

They threw me in the flight simulator today. I wish they'd let someone other than Heero run the program. It really sucked. I mean, I barely knew what I was doing!


Ok, I just got the scores back... Maybe I did know what I was doing.


Quatre just told me that my flying techniques were dead on with Duo Maxwells.

I feel like I'm competing with a ghost to be his replacement. That really sucks.

It's Heero's birthday in a couple of day's. I've been invited to his surprise party. I suppose that means I have to bring a gift. Great, there goes my Friday night.



April 24th

What's going on? I'm confused. Really really confused... I've started carrying this journal with me so I can write things down quickly when I think of them. As if you couldn't tell from some of the previous entries. I'm glad I have it tonight.

It's his birthday party. My gift, he saved for last. I don't know why, but I saw him noticeably do it. I gave him a cd of some old traditional Japanese music and tyko drumming. With that I also gave him a book, "Modern Society", it's about the traditions and customs people follow today and why and what countries those relate to. It's a neat book.

But when he looked up, he looked as though he'd been ripped into. Everyone at the party was silent as well. Then I heard someone mutter a question as Heero practically ran from the room. The answer to the muttered question was that "Duo gave him that book for Christmas before he died."

The other ex-gundam pilots just looked at me as though I'd grown another head. Then Sally came in and pulled them aside. I just heard her ask where Heero was before I took off to this corner of the garden outside. I don't want to go back in there so people can ask me how I could give him something without asking one of the other pilots first what they'd think.

I didn't know! It just felt right! Always go with your emotions and all that right? I will not cry...


Sally found me outside. She seemed a little uneasy about the spot she found me in. I don't want to know why.



May 1st

I just got my journal back. I don't know who took it but it doesn't really matter as long as they don't do it again. If they do I swear I'll drag their sorry ass to death's door myself. This is personal stuff in here.

Heero requested another partner. I'm being shifted to work with Wufei. Sally got bumped to part of the earthbound mars project stuff. She did ask if she could get a DNA sample though before she left. She's coming by in a couple of days to snag it.

M refuses to tell me anything that's going on. I hate this.



May 4th

Sally stopped by to take a DNA sample. Looking back through my journal, I remember now why they couldn't take a sample at the hospital. Though why she's after one now I have no clue. It's not like it'll make a difference.

Wufei is an interesting enough partner. He actually acknowledges my presence, unlike a certain someone I could mention. I still can't believe he requested another partner. If he didn't like my pestering that much he could've just told me to knock it off.

Who'm I kidding. We may not have talked much, but I understood Heero. Wufei, I don't connect as well with. We have arguments over mission planning and execution. Heero and I, for all we did, didn't. Ok, so he never talked to me period.

I ... I think I miss it.




May 10th

I need time off. Now.

I didn't even actually request it from Une. I sent her an email and left. I just got off the phone with Sally...

I don't want to think about this.

I'm on my way back to the beach house. During the week I'd lived in Preventers housing in the city, I can't go back to there. I need the peace and quiet. I need my now weekend house.

My half memories were actually accurate. All the ones I mentioned in here and the ones I didn't. Oh God... I... I'm not competing against a ghost... I'm competing against myself...

Sally say's I'm a 100% match for Duo Maxwell.



Oh... God...


May 12th

My dreams have been flying fast and furious. The Thanksgiving dream... it's allegedly the memory of us all having dinner hear the year Heero and I moved in... The hand's picture, I drew it and when I "died" Heero donated it to my favorite restaurant in town. Me knowing the house, I lived in the damn thing for 3 years on the hacked money from OZ accounts. Starting to draw again, picking up the hobbies of the past few years. Almost remembering L2, I grew up there...

They say the body never forgets the skills it learned. That explains all of the things I tried to do and why I got frustrated when I couldn't do them. I'm not ready for this. I'm not prepared for this. I can't believe this.

I need to stop thinking about this.

D.M. *scratched out B*


May 20th

The phone's rung almost every hour on the hour for the past week. I had to unplug the thing. I think they know I'm here still. I don't want them to know. I have to hide. I'm having more dreams... about Heero. I sent Meg away yesterday. She wasn't happy. She made me promise to eat. I can't. I can't sleep. I'm afraid. I-


June 17th

I passed out after that last entry. I probably would've died at the house except for the fact that Heero came. He found me with a raging fever and clutching what was apparently my favorite pillow. He called to let everyone know where I was and then they all refused to help him. Like Mr. Sensitive really has a bedside manner, lucky me.

Mariemaia told him that if he wanted to ever see if I was truly the one he'd fallen in love with then he'd need to make his peace with me. Which meant learning about me. She hadn't liked the fact that ever since I became his partner he'd been ignoring me. Yes, I do talk to her. She said that I was obviously a different person now with different way's of doing things. Some were the same, but that I was more respectful, quiet, thoughtful and introspective.

I guess Heero told her that I always had been but now I didn't have a mask to hide behind. I was semi-lucid for that conversation. Then I sank into another odd dream/nightmare.

He ended up reading my journal. We had a long talk about it. He was still hurting but starting to finally heal. I'm still confused.

And... angry, I think.



June 25th

Definetly mad. He's in love with the memory of what I was! I don't even look the same! He's treating me weird and I don't know how to react and he keeps expecting me to have some sort of breakthrough!



July 13th

Why won't people leave me alone! Heero's being an overprotective jerk, Une's checking up more than she's ever done in my short remembered life, Mariemaia's acting weird and Quatre insists on ESCORTING Heero and I to MY shrink appointments!

I don't want to go, I likde the hospital shrink tons more than the Preventer one I'm dragged to and the rest are standing back on the edges of things just waiting for some kind of break-through! Even Wufei and Trowa whom I trusted enough to NOT do that!

Two months ago they could've cared less about Dyad Barton, but now I'm some fragile thing too childlike to even be a person! I hate it! I just want them all to go away!

And if they don't, I will.



July 19th

It's amazing how much the body remembers. I couldn't stand it anymore so I'm on the run. I tried breaking into Heero's files and succeeded. Purchased a lap top via the old account info he had listed for me back when I had my memory. Arranged to pick it up at the shuttleport along with my ticket. I stuck a bum on the shuttle instead of me. He wanted to go see the stars. Good thing the ticket is for L4 instead of L2. I hear L4 is a nicer place.

Yesterday I got everything arranged the way I want it on the laptop. Even got all the hacked files from Heero's computer safely hidden away where only I can find them. I love free drop boxes on the net. They can store almost anything until you're ready to upload something.

I've got my hair loose and a hat on. I should be able to blend right on in. Bet they won't expect me to move into a house in town in a couple of weeks. I should have enough facial hair to pull it off by then.

I know part of the reason they never connected me to Duo Maxwell now...

I found a couple audio files buried on his hard drive. My voice sounds different. More precise. I don't have as many ups and downs in my speech any more. Before my voice kinda went everywhere with what I projected, now it doesn't.

Why is this so hard?



August 30th

Even though everyone knows me as John Davidson, I've decided to combine my old name and my new one. M did adopt me... And I am Duo Maxwell... even though I don't remember everything.

Kinda makes me feel like I'm married to Trowa or M or something though. Duo Maxwell-Barton. Same initials, just not quite the same thing. After a bit of fiddling I managed to send M and Lady Une an email. I haven't checked my email since.

These days I just draw what's in my dreams. I've filled one sketchbook in the 2 1/2 weeks I've been here and I'm a third of the way through the second. It's helped me sort out my thoughts.

I'm not ready to face any of the others yet. If they showed up I'd be really pissed and probably try and kill who ever it was. I bet I could do it to. I've come to the conclusion that the others didn't want anything to do with me while I was Dyad Maximillian Barton because I was just a rookie. Gifted, perhaps, but inexperienced and untried and saddled with someone who needed their support for having a partner again. I don't like it, but that's probably the case.

I do recall thinking Lady Une pulled strings.

Strings. I've got quite a few of those to the past. Flipping back through my sketches, I've decided that most of my dreams have been related to my lost bits of memory. A lot of them are about Heero. ...

Ok, maybe all of them about Heero aren't memory. He's still one handsome man!

Still, the dreams where it's been me and the guys and the others... Relena, Noin, Sally, Dorothy, Zechs and co. ...Those feel real. Some of the ones with Heero feel real too but it's like... I don't know what it's like.

I'm not talking about the person in the flush of lust here... I wake up feeling differently from them. It's like how you almost remember having a conversation with someone when you were half-asleep. You kinda remember the conversation when you wake up but you aren't sure if it happened but you think it did cause it seems so real.

Does that make sense?



September 17th

I'm feeling more charitable toward my fellow man so today, my chosen birthday of many moons ago, I have decided to check my email. I love the net.

Except for when one's inbox is flooded because Heero managed to track Mariemaia's email to this account and he's written to try and find out where I am and to threaten me.


M gave me an open invitation to talk, she's glad that I'm safe but wishes I was back with the others.

Heero- now that I read these, most of these aren't actually from him... It's Quatre. He used Heero's email program because it had my addy in it. He's backing off. He understands. He wants me to email him so he can let Heero know I'm ok. He didn't take my disappearance all that well.

At the risk of sounding juvenile, WELL DUH!

Ok, there goes my semi-happy mood. Happy birthday to me, an attempted guilt trip from a pint sized blond HELLION! I swear- Well that's entertaining. I get an email from him via his own email while I'm online. And he's apologizing. He must not have been kidding about that whole empathy strength thing.

I shut down the computer after that bit. Happy birthday to me.

Heero's gonna have to some to me on my terms. Email. He has to communicate with me.



October 4th

Heero actually wrote a calm email. Only took him fifty or so tries. He knows this is the only contact he's going to get but I can't shake the feeling that he's trying to find a way to track me down. Good luck. I've had an entire two months to lay down false lines.

I must say, art work certainly is profitable. Though I do have to say, managing to create false identities good enough to fool people over the net and not knowing how you know what you do, is very disconcerting.

Chatting online with folks does help.



October 19th

The time away from the others has been beneficial. Already things make more sense about me now that I'm able to think about them fully. I saw Heero and Quatre today in town. My hair was tucked up under my hat and I was wearing clothes that are so different than what I'd wear otherwise... He looked terrible.

He's been so careful about what he's written in his emails... I get about one a day. It's like he's deliberately avoiding certain topics. Now I can see why. It makes me uncomfortable.

Heero... loved me. And when I died, the one person who understood him and forced him out of his shell, it was as if I betrayed him somehow. He didn't understand how I could have gotten into that position with the suits. He spent the entire year trying to figure that out and then he got saddled with me. Someone who's eyes and hair were so close to his lost loves, someone who gave gifts along the same lines, someone who had a similar way of doing things, but didn't look like his love. Who he thought wasn't his love because that was impossible. His love was dead. So, in order to protect me and himself, he requested another partner. Then he found out who I was. Then he pissed me off and I left when he did the only thing he could think of to do.

You know that talk we had... I don't think we connected during that discussion.

Knowing this... It doesn't make things any easier. No matter how I might want to give him a hug and to brush his soft hair back from his face, I can't give in about this. If I'm not honest with myself, honest about us (not like there really is at this point), then how can I do things right in the future? I've never lied... I haven't told the whole truth, but the bare minimum, sometimes... but I've never lied. And that is something I was famous for apparently. I guess some things don't change.

At least the emails are helping.



November 15th

I can't believe it. I told him I'd see him. What am I going to do? I think I love him. I think I've fallen in love with Heero via email!

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea... email I mean. He talks more in it but will that change face to face? Who's to say he won't flinch at the sight of who I am now? What if he just feels what he does for me out of obligation? What if he's built up this partially merged construct of who I was and am now?

I just don't know. What am I going to do?

I have to shave the beard off. I can't shave, I'm shaking. Mariemaia! I'll call her!



November 17th

Man I rambled. That previous entry was me without my mind. Well, it's now fill-in-the-blanks time.

After that entry, I called M. Evidently Quatre's kept her posted while they've lived at the house. She told me that Heero kept one or two pictures of us and scanned one of them. She told me he retouched it to look like I do now and then pasted the semi-transparent pic over the old version. He has it on his desk.

M also commended my efforts to hide my trail, but told me that Trowa found me a week ago. She say's he hasn't told anyone but her and Une. I find it hard to believe he'd keep it from Quatre and Wufei. After she calmed me down, we talked for a while and caught up. She was impressed that I managed to sort some of my memories out and offered to send me every last bit of info she had on my past so I would know even more.

Pilot testimonies included.

I don't know if I want to hear/read that.

So after I hung up with M, I was able to shave. My face feels a whole lot lighter now. It really is a good thing I didn't spend much time in the sun. No tanline. Well... kinda... but it's really hard to see.

The next morning was hard though. I woke up nervous. The shower didn't even help much. I decided to dress all in black. It just made me feel more comfortable. I tied my damp hair back in a ponytail at the base of my neck and walked into town. It's really entertaining to see people do a double take. I also don't have any more doubts about being Duo Maxwell Barton (that really sounds weird.), formerly known as Dyad Maximillian Barton, formerly known as Duo Maxwell.

People recognized me as both because of the hair and my current face.

It's kinda odd.

Kay and Meg's reaction at the diner, where Heero strangely waited with his back to the door, were priceless. Dropped dishes and all. My amusement disappeared though as Heero turned around. Would you believe he just stared? I didn't know what he was going to do. Then he got up, walked over and hugged me. Then he apologized. To Dyad. To me. He understood!

I moved in a daze for a while after that. We ended up spending the whole day together and he actually took the time to watch me. Not watch for the me who used to be, or the lost me, but the me that I am now and today!

Heero even walked me back to the house. He cursed when he saw where I stayed. Eventually he glared at me and told me to stop laughing. Then I told him that Trowa'd known for the past week. That's when he decided the glare wasn't working. He tried tickling me to give me a reason to keep laughing. That's when he found out I wasn't ticklish in certain spots any more. He took that kinda personal and got this real determined look on his face and found new spots where I was ticklish.

Note to self. Never challenge Heero Yuy to do anything. He'll do it.

When I couldn't breathe any more, he finally stopped. I guess me falling to the ground and turning purple from the lack of oxygen made him consider that maybe it wasn't the wisest course of action to continue. He sat down beside me on the front step and waited for me to catch my breath. Once I managed that, it almost stopped again when Heero caressed the side of my face.

He stared while his fingers traced my cheekbones and jawline. I could barely feel him; his eyes just held mine. It was like he was trying to re-memorize the way my face went. I don't even know who moved closer. All I remember thinking was "he's gonna kiss me-" over and over again. Then he did. Feather light. I fixed that. Then it got more serious.

He pulled back and apologized again. To Duo err Dyad. He didn't know what to call me.

I didn't either. Earlier I'd decided to go by Duo Maxwell Barton. I can't remember the reasons why though. Why and how I got the name; and I told him that.

Then Heero told me that Duo Maximillian Barton would sound better. Then he asked if I was going to start braiding my hair again.

I shrugged. Then he told me that my braid had been my way of visibly connecting to the past. Heero said that my name was the same kind of thing. He said that I'd kept my braid to remember those at Maxwell Church. If I changed the name, I could keep the braid as my visual reminder.

I asked him then if it served to remind him that I was really the old Duo. I didn't want to be second best to the ghost of my own self. He gave me an odd look and said that I always seemed to be more attached to my hair and that a braid is a logical way to keep long hair from catching on things. Then he told me he had a mild hair fetish and said his revised name for me.

That startled me. It was like he was recognizing me again. It looked like he really did connect now with me and not the past. Hope is an incredible thing. He kissed me again goodnight and asked if he could take me out on another date.

I think I said yes. All I know is that this feels right. Some of the things make me a little nervous, but I don't really care 'cause it's a good kind of nervous.

You know... thinking about this today and writing it all down, if the way he treats me is any indication of how the rest have changed from everything... I think it could be time to go back to work.

Yes, I think it is.

Hello world, this is Duo Maximillian Barton, aka the pilot formerly known as Shinigami, and I'm back!

Duo M. Barton.


[back] [back to Mair's fic]