Author: Mair
Pairings: Gee.......... 1+2? *smirks* One of these day's I'll have to try something else.
Genre: Drama?
Warnings: Refrences to violence.
Rating: PG?
Feedback: Craved and adored, give me anything and get me as a wifey!
Disclaimer: If I owned it I'd be a hell of a lot richer than I am now. Go sue someone with money. I have nothing.

I won't

To say that I don't feel is to lie. I feel so much that it hurts. I just can't show it.

When I saved Relena durring OZ's attack on the school, that was the first time in years I'd acted on my emotions. I hated it. She represented a risk to the mission, a weak spot to be comprimised. She knew my name and what I looked like. I should have let her die. Instead, I couldn't. Her actions earlier stopped that possibility.

When we met, you shot me twice when I would have shot to kill. One should never let an enemy live. Those two shots started a crack, one I couldn't even see. Then she protected me from you, her actions widening the crack you started. Even after her presumptions at the dance, I felt that crack inside and I couldn't let her die. I couldn't kill her.

Every time I saw you, that crack widened through some sort of foolishness on your part.

The day I self destructed. That day I felt the crack and I remembered Odin Lowe's words. How he more or less told me to always act on emotion. When J's command came down I saw how my own emotions and his order were identical. It was the one thing that would save those I found precious.

I didn't know you were precious then, just special.

When I finally awoke and Trowa asked about it, I told him. I told him what I'd been taught. I didn't expect Catherine to interfere. I can't believe I'm letting myself even entertain these thoughts now. My own sense of honor led me on that globe trotting escapade for Noventa's family. Looking back I still believe it was the right thing to do even if J did have, as you would say, "issues" with it.

I didn't want to admit the deeper reason for my stint to Europe. I didn't want to know what you thought of my self destruction. I didn't want to know if I caused you pain. I'm a soldier, pain doesn't matter to me but your pain would.

Duo... You call yourself the god of death and yet you are my angel of life. To cause you pain, it would be like I cut off my own hand. I wouldn't be able to ignore you because I don't fully understand you. I need to know you and yet that means the crack will widen in me. I won't have my control as tight as it needs to be.

I can't concentrate on this now. This hurts. I can't let it hurt. Duo, you are in OZ's hands. Leaving you alive puts all of us in danger. You, like Relena, know too much. But you, you know us. Even as I break into this base, I need to remind myself that you are a liability. Not human. Just information.

The wounded figure I see isn't you. It's not you... Duo. I can't...

"Can you use a gun?" I ask.

I can't kill my life. I won't.

... Always act on your emotions.

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