"What war-crimes tribunal?"

"Precisely."

"Oh, she so can't hold your war record over your head!"

"I thought that was pretty ironic too, coming from her, but there you go. Until Relena gets tired of chasing me, I'm just going to have to stick it."

Heero dodged out of sight as two people, a man and women in business suits, circled the building looking around. Duo had wondered if the pressure had made the perfect soldier paranoid, but he was starting to reconsider. They did look like they were searching for someone.

"So you have to leave your lover-"

"She's not my lover!"

"O-kaaay, you have to get Relena to give up on you. That shouldn't be hard." Considering you're as friendly as a scorpion and about ten times as deadly. "Did you talk to her about it?"

"Duo, do you even know the meaning of the word ‘obsession'? I know it's got more than two syllables, but-"

"Hey, be nice now, I'm trying to help!"

"Help?" Heero was walking swiftly down the crowded streets. People moved out of the way ­or sometimes dived for the street or into dumpsters- at the sight of his scowl. Duo was following, dodging the people who'd let his friend pass, as well as parked cars, traffic signs, mailboxes, hydrants and occasionally the gutter, trying to keep level with Heero.

"You can't help, Duo. No one can help."

"We could have at least tried, if you told us what the problem was! Everybody thinks you two are an item! They think it's sweet the way you two are always together!" Heero winced. "Quatre mentioned you looked a bit peaky and might be having girl troubles, that's why I wondered if you were really having a fairy-tale romance. I didn't imagine I'd wander into a stalker horror flick when I came here though! So I gather you talked to her?"

"I talked to her, I talked to her friends, I talked to her foster mother ­she feels very sorry for me by the way- I tried everything." 

"Well did you try writing her a letter?"

"A letter? I told her to her face I want nothing to do with her, why would-"

"A letter makes you sound colder, less defensive, and it's harder to work your own interpretation into it when it's there in front of your face, instead of in one ear and out the other."

"I wrote her an e-mail."

"Hmm, let me guess. I'll kill you?"

"Yeah, except that one bounced off the security program I'd installed on her e-mail server to scan for death threats. So I sent a second, longer one."

"Which said?"

"'Leave me alone, or else'."

"Yeeees. Ok, what about the green-eyed monster?"

"Her eyes are blue."

"I meant, how about telling her you already have a girlfriend?"

"She knows every inch of my life, she wouldn't buy it."

"How about pickin' up a little fling then, nothing serious but-"

"Baka! I already have two crazy women after me, I don't need-"

"Whoa, two?!"

"Yes, that secretary at HQ, Carol, Karin, something."

"How do you know-"

"She comes by ten times a day asking me if I want coffee!"

"Maybe she just wants to know if you want coffee."

"I don't DRINK coffee. And yes I have told her that!"

"What after-shave do you use?"

"Why, is this some other kind of plan?"

"No, no reason... Ok, what is Relena most scared of?"

"Not me, that's for certain."

"Scandal! She likes her little image of queen of the world."

"So?"

"So make a big scene in some public place!"

"I don't like making a display of myself!"

"Yeah but I'm starting to think you like Relena a whole lot less."

"... A big scene, like... breaking a table in a restaurant with my fists?"

"(Sigh.) Yeah, I guess that might work. You can throw in a lot of yelling too."

"There certainly was a lot of yelling, though I didn't stick around for it."

"Wh-what?"

"Restaurant. Political rally. Ran out of chairs."

"... and so you broke a table?" Damn, his temper has not improved!

"She tried to sit on my lap. I swear Duo that if that smile actually reaches your lips, I'll break your spine as easily as that goddamn table."

"OK, time for the big guns. Lemme see. I know it's a bit extreme, but... "

Sharp glance.

"Well, you could tell her you're, erm, now remember, this is just a ruse, so don't kill me, but maybe you can tell her you're gay?"

"I am gay."

Bo-ong.

Heero turned back with a snarl and a glare at a recumbent Duo, and then he glanced at the Stop sign still vibrating under the shock of the full frontal tackle the braided man had involuntarily subjected it to.

"Wh-wh-"

"Look where you're going, baka! We need to keep moving! She'll be circling the streets around the building by now."

"Bu-but-you-"

"Yes I told her that too, and she said that love shouldn't be a matter of gender. I told her in my case it was, and she said that I was a bigot and she would help me get past that."

"Man... you er you really are-"

"Any other bright ideas? That won't get me a sentence for first degree?"

"So are you seeing someone?"

"I don't think that would work; if I rub her nose in my relationship that would just make her jealous as well as obsessed-"

"... so you ARE seeing someone-"

"-and I refuse to subject anybody to that kind of stress."

"So you're NOT seeing someone."

"How can I see someone when I can't go anywhere without running into her or one of her people? I spend my time ducking behind cover instead of making acquaintances! And I refuse to get interested in anyone I work with. I've got enough problems. Any other bright ideas?"

"... I'm sorry my head is still spinning... You tried a restraining order?"

"I wanted to. But Une buried that before it could fly, because of the scandal."

"Erm... fake your death?"

Glare.

"OK too extreme. Did you try sleeping with her?"

Duo slammed into a rigid, well-muscled back as Heero screeched to a halt.

"What??"

"Well you know, some girls, they call it romance but really when you get down to it they lose interest after the high point is reached and-"

Old stony-face actually looked nauseous. "... maybe I could fake my death... we have a witness relocation program... "

"Let's not panic yet. Have you tried developing a habit she finds repulsive?"

"Like, for instance, being a terrorist?" Heero started walking again, his scowl acting like a cattle-prod to the people on the streets who were foolish enough to get in his way.

"... OK yeah. Well actually, no, you see, that's something she thinks she can ‘save' you from, in her romantic little mind."

"Her demented little mind."

"Maybe if you stopped taking a shower for a few weeks-"

"It wouldn't work."

"I'm almost afraid to ask how you know."

"I ran into her just as I was coming back from my last undercover mission. My clothes were in tatters, I hadn't washed for a week, hadn't slept in three days, hadn't eaten in two, and I'd just slogged through a sewer."

"... What did she say?"

"That she understood why I neglected myself, that it was obvious I didn't take care of myself when she wasn't around, that she would take care of me from now on. And that she'd got Une to agree to no longer let me take undercover missions."

"... I'm surprised you didn't clock her one."

"I did."

"And?"

"She forgave me."

"I've known tattoos that were easier to shake off."

"Hn."

Duo looked at his friend as they dodged down an alley, across a street and into a small park.

"Right, well, time for the Extreme Measure I guess."

Heero finally slowed and glanced around suspiciously. No one was around. He relaxed a fraction and leaned back against a planter. He didn't have much hope for Duo's extreme measure, despite the capitalization, but he was willing to listen. It was nice to see him again. Just listening to Duo somehow lifted his spirits, though this wouldn't be visible on the perfect soldier's face.

He'd... missed the baka. He would have liked to visit him on L2, especially after he'd heard that he was only employed by Hilde and not-... but that would have been complicated, since Relena would have followed him and... He sighed.

"So what's the extreme- sorry, Extreme Measure?"

Duo was uncharacteristically serious, eyes resolute, jaw firm, shoulders squared. He looked like he'd been handed a particularly arduous mission, one that would cost him both physically and mentally. Heero felt a touch of sudden anxiety.

"First, you're gonna promise me not to kill me for any part of this plan."

"Erm-"

"Promise?"

"Very well." How could it be worse than what he was going through with Relena on a daily basis?

On the face of it, it certainly was. Heero found himself flexing his hand on his gun at several points during Duo's explanation.

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