By Nazarri Blue
Warnings: Very foul language and an unfavorable view of putting characters
on a pedestal.
I am a parentless child of poverty,
homelessness, and war. My scars run deep and have forever decided my life.
No fancy words can glamorize or paint a pretty picture of what has happened
Like my fellow pilots, a "normal" life for me is nothing but
a wasted fantasy that I will not indulge in. It is just something that
others want to push on us to make them feel better about their own reality.
Well, that is just too fucking bad. Our experiences are not here for anyone
to piece together some piece of cute fluff that totally contradicts what
we truly are.
What we went through is beyond most people's comprehension and no one
else can truly understand. No one, no matter how well meaning his or her
intentions might be. I am sorry if this upsets your sensibilities or twisted
sense of romance, but that is the way it is. I will make no apologies
Duo put down his pen and looked over the paper that contained his written
thoughts. He frowned at his words and wondered silently if he really as
angry as it sounded. But he was and he knew it. He had found that writing
down his feelings helped him to express himself in a non-violent way.
But violence is what he needed. He was truly pissed-off this time.
Pushing himself away from the dingy gray metal desk, Duo made he way to
the small window that looked out from his office into the salvage yard.
It wasn't much, but it was his. At least it was honest hard work. A little
dirt and grease never hurts anyone. And even if he would never truly be
one of the "normal" everyday folk, he got to come in contact
It was better than hanging around wealthy snobs. Duo didn't really think
that much of people like that, his experiences with the rich and powerful
were not positive. Among many other things, he could pin Solo's death
on them. Greed and self-centered goals was the only thing that they knew.
Quatre had been the only exception that he had ever met. He knew that
Quatre was a true human; he had serious doubts about the others that he
Duo was grateful for what he had. He worked hard for it. It also gave
him a chance to work out his frustrations. Life and war was all that he
had ever known. He constantly struggled with his own daemons, just like
his fellow pilots did. They would never be normal or have normal life;
it wasn't possible. Not after all the killing that they had done, unspeakable
training methods that they were subjected to, or the horrors of backstabbing
politics. The betrayal and stupidity didn't help either.
But some assholes would never let them be.
So when he saw the horrid articles written about he and his fellow pilots
in a strange set of articles based on a "Where Are They Now..."
theme, he was absolutely sick to his stomach.
The anger surged again and he felt himself loosing control.
He grabbed to stupid magazine from the table, twisting it is his hands
as his fury grew.
He ran out into the middle of his salvage yard. The night lighting cooled
his skin, but not his temper. Duo threw the paper to the ground and viciously
pressed his booted heel into it. For good measure, he spit on it. That
did nothing for him.
Furiously, he grabbed a large hunk of metal scrap, one that he would have
never been able to pick up on his own under normal circumstances. He threw
it across the yard with superhuman ease. "People Suck!" He screamed
at the top of his lungs.
That helped, but it wasn't enough. What could possibly make up for the
way the he, Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei were bastardized at every
turn? He wanted to hurt something; he needed a physical release.
Duo tensed every muscle in his body, before screaming at the top of his
lungs. "Leave us alone!"
He reached for another piece of metal, but he stopped cold when he saw
movement out of the corner of his eye. He recognized the movement immediately
as being Heero's.
Duo turned to face his long time partner; they hadn't seen each other
in a few months. But Heero hadn't changed; he even wore the same old spandex
and tank top. This comforted Duo is a strange way. He cocked his head
to the side, "What brings you here?"
Heero shrugged lightly and took a small step forward. "I could feel
Duo swallowed hard. He looked down at his feet, feeling bad about unintentionally
drawing Heero into his emotional needs. "You've always been a good
"Just returning the favor."
"Its not a favor, Heero. It is a sacred honor between the five of
us. Especially between you and I."
Heero nodded his understanding and sat on the ground. "You want to
talk about it?" He purposefully gave Duo lots of room in case he
needed to fling metal again.
"There isn't much to talk about, it just pisses me off, you know?
They can fucking lie about us all they want and they will never be stopped.
They can just keep on doing it because it sells! We sell! It's just another
form of prostitution. Let's sell the Gundam pilots, their lives, and their
dignity. They don't give a fucking damn about us!"
Heero said nothing, but nodded in agreement.
"Did you see what they hinted about her and me? Don't they know that
she practically spit on me? I risked my life to save her precious ass
and she showed nothing but contempt! Oh yes, that was a fine thank you!
She can afford everything but basic manners. She does not even lower herself
to speak to me! Makes it impossible for even friendship much less something
more! What is wrong with people?"
"I'm sorry, Duo. No one ever said that life was fair. They obviously
don't know anything about either of you."
"Well, Heero, they don't treat you much better. They don't fucking
care! Not about the truth anyways!"
Duo grabbed the offending documents and thrust them roughly in Heero's
direction. Spit rolled off of the glossy pages. Heero did not reach for
"Do you see these articles that are written about her? You would
think that her shit doesn't stink. Or that she actually saved the world,
not you! Do they even know her? Have they ever spoken to her?"
Heero snorted at that. "No, that's what her spin-doctors are for.
They do everything they can to control how she is seen. The masses are
bullied into believing that she is this perfect princess that we should
"Perfect my ass! Why is it a bastardization to say that she is anything
less than perfect? Why do we have to pretend that she isn't messed up!
Especially since we are bastardized and treated so cruelly? But no, we
can't say such things because it sheds a negative light on her. A fucking
double standard, that is what it is!"
Duo looked down at the spit-covered publication, fury rose like bile in
his throat. It wasn't right. It just wasn't. What gave anyone the right
to be so callous toward them?
His body shook from the absolute anger the coursed through him. Like an
exploding bomb, Duo put all of his weight into his swing and flung the
magazine as far as he could into the darkness. "Fuck you!" he
screamed at the uncaring universe.
"Why do you do this to yourself?" Heero asked only being vaguely
curious. He was more interested in getting Duo to think rather than react.
"How can you take this so calmly?" Duo swiftly countered with
"We cannot control what these people write about us. Getting worked
up over it doesn't help."
Duo threw his hands into the air with disgust. "For the love of God,
Heero! They have Trowa dating the woman that we know to be his sister!
That is so beyond gross! Quatre prancing around with that sword-wielding
Amazon that tried to kill him! Twice! He's a nice guy and all, but he
isn't an idiot! And did you know that our honorable wife-mourning Wufei
is a ladies man? He's out playing women for fools every night!"
"Well, its more interesting than the truth." Heero shrugged.
"But it is all lies, Heero! Why can't they deal with the facts? Why
is that so hard? Without thought or care, it is insinuated that I might
be romantically involved with the last person in the universe who would
want anything to do with me! Or what about this Hilde nonsense! Last time
I asked her for a steak, I ended up with one in my lap, hot off the griddle!
Can we say issues? Or how about that crap about you being a prince falling
from the sky? What kind of shit is that?"
"The kind of shit that sells."
Heero had a point; it was appealing on a very juvenile level. But this
was about life, not childish fantasies and that was the difference. Duo
could not just let go of these things so easily.
"I hate what they do to us!" he fumed. "And I hate that
they don't care what they do to us! After all that we did, we still don't
seem to warrant the respect or dignity that we have rightfully earned."
Duo looked down at his feet. He felt so dirty and unclean. "I don't
like how this feels and I don't like seeing my friends abused this way
For a moment, they Duo stood there in silence. His stillness gripped Heero's
With a war cry that shattered the night, Duo grabbed another large chunk
of metal and tossed it into a mess of wires and broken equipment. Sparks
flew high into the air; electricity crackled all around.
Duo paid no mind to this as he reached for something even bigger, something
that would release the anger and strain.
But he suddenly found that he could not move; a pair of strong arms immobilized
him from behind. Duo screamed with pent up rage, he needed release. He
was well aware of Heero's incredible strength. But as he fought against
the idea of being held, there was such an immense sense of comfort in
it. Duo struggled slightly, but soon realized that his efforts were futile.
He sagged back into Heero's firm body, allowing himself to be pinned to
the firmness behind him. Exhausted from his struggles, he found that he
could no longer fight.
"Don't hurt yourself, not over the likes of them. They aren't worth
it." Heero's voice was incredibly soothing to him.
Anger rushed from Duo's body, leaving a sense of sanity in its wake. He
wanted to be held, he was safe and secure, and the world couldn't hurt
him any longer. Not while Heero held him.
They stayed like that for a long time, Duo in Heero's arms, watching the
stars travel across the sky. Neither one finding a reason or want to move.
For them, it was a simple moment of peace, a moment to speak from the
Two fucked-up people against a fucked-up world.
Duo let his head fall back onto Heero's shoulder, his voice soft and calm.
"I am so tired ... of being hated ... of being scorned ... of having
to fight for every ounce of dignity. Why the subtle anger toward us? We
fought for their peace, why isn't that enough?"
"What they write and say appeals to the lowest common denominator."
"True. But is it really such a horrid thing that Trowa and Quatre
truly love each other? That the depth of their love knows no bounds? Or
that Wufei loved his wife and mourns his loss. That he finds solace in
books instead of fucking around? Or that me and you ..." Duo let
the words die on his lips, realizing that he was speaking and not thinking.
"That our souls are entwined as one in an indestructible bond of
immortal love." Heero whispered softly into Duo's ear.
Duo turned within Heero's embrace, coming to face him. Heero was so genuine
and honest, his feelings reflected in the light of his eyes. Duo sighed
heavily and looked down at the ground between them. "That was lovely
Heero, really. But see, my story doesn't get to have a happily ever after
because I am not good enough for the hero of the world. I am a male, poor
with no name and that makes me unworthy. The hero is not supposed to love
me, he is supposed to love the princess, that is the way fairytales work.
The girl gets the guy."
"Idiocy." Heero snorted with disgust. "If I wanted the
princess, I would have stayed with her."
Duo looked back up at Heero, sincere love and hope illuminating from the
depths of his soul. "So Heero, since you were so near and felt my
pain, does that mean that you stay close to me?"
Heero smiled gently and turned Duo to face where he had jumped the fence.
Overlooking the scrap yard was a window, it was open and apparently from
where Heero jumped.
Duo laughed out loud. "You mean you have a place that overlooks my
"I watch over you." Heero's admission could barely be heard
in the still of the night.
With a questioning look, Duo turned to Heero and asked, "Is there
something you want to talk about, Heero?"
Heero shook his head no, looking slightly uncomfortable and a bit vulnerable.
This amused Duo to no end. "Ah, I see. Well Heero, why didn't you
say anything to me?"
He shrugged. "I didn't know if you needed me."
Turning very serious, Duo walked back over to Heero and put his arms over
his shoulders. "I need you Heero, please stay ..."
He nodded, but Duo knew that Heero didn't fully understand the request.
"No Heero ... I mean please stay with me ... tonight."
Heero's eyes widened as he realized what Duo was actually saying. Without
another word, Duo took Heero's hand. Walking backwards while not breaking
eye contact, Duo pulled the man that he loved into his home and his bed.
Hehe ... That's right! No lemon! Bahahhahahahahahahahaha!
So I am a bitch, sue me!
[back to Nazarri Blue's fic]