see ch. 1 for warnings, notes, disclaimer
Warriors + Chapter 114
entry by: Dr. Thomas R. Batoosingh
Winner Memorial Veterans Hospital
Private Notes re: Subject TB
Contrary to all expectations, my own as well as those of his friends,
TB has continued his sessions with me, recently requesting that we meet
twice weekly, by vid phone. His husband knows, but he has chosen not to
tell his other two friends, close as they are to him. It is perhaps fortunate
that both DM and HY have discontinued therapy with me for the time being.
My objectivity was becoming severely strained. I must admit to missing
them both; another sign that it was time for me to give up their treatment.
Objectivity seems to go out the window whenever I deal with them.
With T it is much easier. He has neither D's neediness and charm, nor
H's straightforward manner and determination. T is often terse, defensive,
and at times surly. Yet he never misses an appointment, and remains on
line for the full duration of each session, when it would be very easy
to hang up.
Of the three GB's I have treated, I continue to believe that he is by
far the most severely damaged, even more so than DM. The years of sexual
abuse alone would be sufficient to create the kind of emotional scars
he carries. Add to that the inadvertent death of his first "family" at
his own hands, and it's a wonder he's even alive, let alone functional.
The killing of his friends remains unresolved and requires continued work.
I had been prepared to label him a sexual compulsive, or sex addict, but
it has become clear to me, through weeks of torturous (for him) admissions
that he does not really fit the pattern. Assuming he has been honest with
me, at no point has he been driven to engage in sexual acts by any inner,
psychological compulsion. With the mercenaries, he was raped at least
once (his first sexual experience), and then simply accepted it as his
lot to be used by the adults around him. The fact that they gave him the
right to decline, and offered payment of various sorts gives him some
sense of choice, and one I would not take away from him. I have, instead
tried to impress on him that they were in the wrong to treat him in that
manner, and that it was not his fault in any way. He says little to all
this so far, and I'm really not certain what he thinks, aside from maintaining
that it was his own choice.
So what to make of him now? He is somewhat obsessive in his need for sexual
contact. It seems to be the form of human interaction he is the most comfortable
with, and comforted by. Yet it remains important to him to 1) feel in
control of the situation and 2) have some positive feeling toward his
partner(s). His tendency toward polyamory seems to be rooted in his early
experiences with the first group of mercenaries who adopted him. He was
well treated by them, loved, and cared for in an appropriate manner, but
the examples of "family" presented were unconventional. Nevertheless,
he imprinted on them and feels that is what he lost at their deaths. Severely
stunted emotionally, he unconsciously harkens back to that time as he
attempts to deal with his present life.
Conflicting with this model is his genuine love for his husband, Q. Their
bond is incredibly strong, and, in this physician's opinion, a life saving
emotional attachment for both of them, similar to the bond shared by HY
and DM. The fifth member of their wartime team, CW, seems to have formed
a similar bond with a fellow soldier, and a stranger one, in that they
were enemies at one time. What a unique group they are.
As H and D prepare to marry and form what they have both described as
a monogamous union, I have watched TB struggle harder than ever with his
own nature. At times I fear that the conflict between his genuine love
for them and his ingrained need to be sexual with those he cares for will
tear him apart. At those rare moments when he is capable of directly examining
this conflict, his self-esteem, fragile at the best of times, crumbles
completely. I have found it necessary to include Q in recent sessions,
for emotional support. Only when Q is present does T let his guard down
with me enough to cry, and when he does, it is like a great storm breaking,
and pitiful to witness. Equally astonishing is the fact that he is capable
of putting such outbursts behind him in a matter of an hour, and perform
the most dangerous of acts that same evening at his Circus, with the very
people who are the source of his pain.
Today he confided that he will be alone with HY the week before the wedding,
to help him prepare a reception, while Q is with DM. I have advised against
putting himself in such a painful position, but he is strangely calm about
it, and Q seems convinced that it is a reasonable course of action. Armed
with what affirmations and advice I can give him, he seems bent on entering
the emotional lion's den.
I have been invited to the wedding, and am breaking my own rule in accepting.
If I am honest with myself, it is partly out of curiosity, partly affection
for those boys, and in greater part, to be on hand should any emotional
meltdowns occur. I find myself wondering more than once lately if I should
be looking into another line of work?
[chap. 113] [chap. 115]
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