see ch. 1 for warnings, notes, disclaimer
Summary: It's never easy, even with love.
Warriors + Chapter 104
Trowa was a good actor, but
he couldn't hide his true feelings from Quatre for long. Quatre hardly
needed his empathic skills to pick up on the undercurrent of worry that
had plagued his husband since Heero had carried Duo off to bed that afternoon.
It persisted through the evening, mingled with the usual good feelings
as they all danced and drank together, but the moment Heero and Duo left
for the hotel, Quatre saw some of the light go out of Trowa's eyes.
They danced a few more times, and then Quatre kissed him and whispered,
"Let's go home."
Later, as they soaked together in the tub, with Quatre's plastic wrapped
ankle hanging over the side, he decided it was time to break the silence.
"Are you still jealous, Trowa?" he asked, leaning back against Trowa's
Long arms tightened around him. "I don't know. I don't think so." He went
quiet for a long moment, resting his chin on Quatre's shoulder, then sighed.
"We've been over this before."
"Define 'this'." Quatre already had an idea, but he wanted Trowa to vocalize
it for himself.
"Us. Them. Who we are together."
"It's not settled for you, love. I can feel it." Quatre spoke calmly,
but he felt pain around his heart. He had thought it was settled, or at
least hoped it was, that night in Tokyo. He thought Trowa had reached
some sort of peace. But he hadn't and it hurt more than Quatre wanted
to admit. "You can't have everyone, you know."
"I know. I don't want-"
Quatre turned as best he could and looked into those green eyes. Confusion
seemed to be the dominant emotion there, mixed with the old familiar shame.
"Please Trowa, don't make me dig for it. What are you feeling?"
Trowa shook his head slowly. "It feels--It feels like they're going to
leave us. That Duo is going to take Heero away."
"Like he did during the war?"
Trowa shrugged. "It's not just the sex, corazon." He scrubbed a hand across
his face, leaving a trail of false tears. "I never had a family, just
temporary groups that always break up. The mercenaries, the circus--"
"You haven't lost Cathy, Trowa. She's still your sister. She still loves
you. And the decision to break up that circus was yours, remember? You
wanted to strike out on your own."
"I hoped she'd come with me."
It was the first time that Trowa had admitted that out loud. He'd tried
so hard to convince her, but Cathy had her own ideas, her own plans and
they didn't fit with Trowa's dark vision.
"But she still loves you, Trowa, whether she's here with you or not. That's
what family really means. Believe me, I know."
Trowa gave him a sad smile. "I'm sorry, meli. It's cruel of me, insensitive--whining
like this with all you've been through."
Quatre caught his face between his hands and made Trowa look at him. "Don't
say that! I know what you mean, and I can feel your fear and your pain.
I love having them with us, too, but maybe that's not the best thing for
them. That's what loving someone really means, Trowa. Wanting what's best
"I'm selfish," Trowa whispered, turning away.
"Wounded," Quatre countered, kissing him, then couldn't help adding, "I
just wish that I was enough for you, the way Heero is for Duo."
Real tears mingled with the false ones. "You are!"
"No, I'm not, or we wouldn't be having this conversation again." Quatre
levered himself up out of the tub and hobbled over to the stack of towels
on the counter. He expected Trowa to follow, but he just sat there in
the cooling water, face in his hands. Blinking back tears of his own,
Quatre limped to the bedroom and stood staring at the wide bed there.
/Why can't this be easy?/ he thought desperately. /It seems so good most
of the time but underneath, there's always trouble! Trowa and Duo--they're
never at peace long. They just can't let things be what they are. If it
was just Heero and me---"
He stopped, shocked at the disloyal thought. The evening had started off
so well, and now he was miserable again. That bed looked far too big and
lonely now. If he lay down there, he'd smell the others.
Instead, he limped to the guest room and burrowed between the clean sheets
alone. These only smelled of fresh air and the lavender spray Marie used
on the linens. He turned off the light and curled up in a tight, unhappy
ball, clutching an extra pillow to his chest with his face turned to the
At last he heard soft footsteps in the hall as Trowa left the bathroom
and went to their room. A moment later, he heard him come out and make
his way unerringly to the guest room. He paused in the doorway, broadcasting
heartache. Quatre said nothing, just waited, and after a moment he heard
him move away again.
He hadn't expected that. He'd expected Trowa to come to him and apologize
and cry and make love to him until everything was all better again, at
least on the surface! Tears welled up under his tightly closed eyelids
and leaked out to soak the pillowcase. He was so lost in misery that he
didn't know Trowa had come back until he felt him slip into bed with him
and spoon in behind him.
Quatre let out a choked sob and turned in his arms, burying his face against
Trowa's bare chest. Strong hands stroked his hair and back.
"You are enough for me, meli. If they died or went away forever I'd be
sad, but I'd go on. If I lost you, I couldn't. When we were on L-4, when
they took you away to the courtroom and wouldn't let me come, that's all
I could think about. What if I never saw you again? I couldn't go on.
Life wouldn't hold any meaning, any flavor, without you to share it. I've
been talking to Dr. Batoosingh about this a little in our sessions. It's
hard, but I'm trying. I think maybe this isn't about you or Heero or Duo
or all of us together. It's about me and what happened---before."
"The mercenaries who first adopted you."
"Yes. I think maybe, deep down, I don't think I deserve people who love
me, because of what I did."
"That wasn't your fault. You were just a kid and those spies used you."
"Doesn't matter, meli. I still killed them, those people who loved me
and sometimes, if I make myself think about it, I wonder if God hasn't
given me you and the others as some sort of trick, so he can pull the
rug out from under me again, to punish me."
"You don't believe in God, Trowa, except when you need to be punished."
A sigh was his only answer. Quatre pressed his hand to Trowa's heart.
"Let me read you, Tro."
Quatre silently opened his mind wide, willing himself to connect with
Trowa's thoughts and feelings. There was pain, plenty of pain, but underneath
it his love for Quatre still burned bright as ever, despite the guilt
and bad memories. So did his love for Heero and Duo, but it was different,
though still intense.
It was like his own feelings for them: friendship and affection mixed
with sexual attraction. His thoughts strayed back to L-4. He'd been scared,
especially when they separated him from Trowa. The minute Trowa had shown
up on that motorcycle, he'd been OK again. He'd been glad when Heero and
Duo showed up, but he already felt safe, because Trowa was with him. Taking
a deep breath, he whispered all that to his husband, and felt the pain
let go of him a little.
"So I don't want us to have this fight anymore. Never again," he finished,
running his fingers through Trowa's bangs. "No more doubt. No more second
guessing. I know how you feel about me, Trowa, and believe me, I feel
just the same for you. And I love the others like you do, too. I wouldn't
mind having sex with them again either, because it doesn't change anything.
Even if that never happens again, though, even if they go off on their
own, Trowa, they still love us. You must have faith in that."
"Will you keep reminding me?" Trowa murmured, touching Quatre's cheek.
"As often as it takes, my darling."
Too exhausted and overwrought for love making, they kissed and caressed
for a long time and fell asleep in each other's arms.
They woke late the next morning to find Heero and Duo sitting on the edge
of the bed, eyeing them with concern. They were both dressed in last night's
clothes, still flushed from the wind and smelling of sex and hotel soap.
For some reason, Heero wasn't wearing a shirt under his biker jacket.
"What're you doing in here?" asked Duo.
Trowa shot Quatre a questioning look as he sat up against the headboard.
"I guess we just needed a change," Quatre answered for him.
Heero regarded them quietly for a moment, then reached out and touched
Trowa's cheek. "You've both been crying. What's wrong?"
Caught in that quiet gaze, Quatre found himself pouring it all out while
Trowa's hand stole over to clasp his.
"Oh, man!" Duo climbed on the bed between them and put an arm around both,
hugging them tightly.
Heero settled next to Trowa and took his hand. "Duo and I have been having
similar thoughts. It's not easy, figuring all this out. Maybe that's why
people stick to pairs. Even so, we love you both very much. And we are
family, no matter how we sort this out. Do you want us to move out?"
"No!" Quatre and Trowa answered at once and without hesitation.
"All right then. Duo, do you want to move out?"
Duo gave Quatre another squeeze. "No, but I think I'd like for Heero and
I to sleep in our own room for now, at least some of the time. I just--"
He paused, chewing at his lower lip. "I just want to feel like it's a
decision when we do."
"What about this?" Trowa offered. "You sleep in your room during the week,
and with us on the weekends."
Heero nodded. "That's good for a start. I say we try it for two weeks
and then discuss it again then."
Quatre could feel Trowa's relief as keenly as his own, and Duo's, too.
There was no sense of rejection in any of this. The others clearly wanted
to be with them, and felt the same need for some sense of order or boundaries.
It would do for now.
And it worked. Quatre and Trowa stayed in the master bedroom and Heero
and Duo moved down the hall to what had been a second, disused guestroom
for privacy. The need to hear each other having sex seemed to have passed.
They still cuddled in front of the TV at night and worked closely through
the day. Duo and Quatre were as affectionate with the others as ever.
Heero made an effort to pull Trowa aside often for reassuring kisses and
caresses, and the new act involved a lot of physical contact.
It was not sexual, and it was. Trowa felt the heat between them, and carried
the sweet, lingering memory of Heero's cock inside his body, but those
feelings no longer had the raw energy of obsession. If anything, the separation
at night made such activities sweeter, and by the time the first weekend
rolled around, going to bed together felt like a reunion. They didn't
have sex together, but "messed around", as Duo put it, without guilt or
pressure and fell asleep in a contented sprawl of arms and legs.
Trowa pondered all this as he and Quatre showered together the next morning,
but couldn't find the right words.
"It keeps everything special," Quatre told him.
"Yes, that's it." Trowa smiled and pressed him back against the tile wall
of the shower, belly to belly, erection to erection. "I like special."
[chap. 103] [chap. 105]
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