Author: pyrzm
see ch. 1 for warnings, notes, disclaimer

Summary: 06x05. Toys and games. Secrets and regret.

Broken Warriors + Chapter 107
Tangled

As much as Zechs wanted to make love to Wufei again, worry still nagged at him, and something else. During the ride home from the hospital he formulated one excuse after another to put him off, but as soon as they arrived at the house Wufei drew Zechs into their bedroom and curled up on the bed with him, snuggling into his arms. He said nothing, but the silent question begged an answer.

"Very well," Zechs sighed. "Take your clothes off, love."

"I---um, there's something I need to do first," Wufei muttered, and disappeared into the bathroom. A moment later the shower came on and ran for some time. Zechs could hear Wufei moving around in there, the sound of cabinets being opened and closed, and the occasional muttered expletive.

Zechs had discovered half a dozen packaged enemas in a cabinet a few days earlier. He tried to imagine his modest, inhibited and very private lover asking Tomas or one of the other household staff to purchase such things for him. Zechs would have told Wufei he didn't require such measures if the boy had only asked. Then again, anything that made Wufei feel more secure or more in control could only help, he supposed.

Zechs went to his dresser and took out the smallest of the plugs Wufei had given him for Christmas and the lube. This plug was purple, slender, a bit smaller than Zechs's middle finger, and gently tapered for insertion, with a slight bulge in the middle and a flared base to hold it in place.

He had to admire Wufei's determination. Their first attempt at penetration had been Wufei's doing, too, and an utter debacle. If Wufei had been some cadet at the Academy, Zechs would have dropped him cold after that for his own good. He absently brushed a hand across the front of his soft wool trousers, which was only half-heartedly tented out at the moment. Being "hung like a Clydesdale", as Duo put it, might make Zechs the envy of most men, and the object of fantasy for others, but the reality had its drawbacks.

Fortunately he'd never been particularly attracted to smaller boys as some of his friends at the Academy had been, preferring lovers who matched him both in age and size. He and Masa Nakamura had been a perfect match that way. Sex with the handsome Japanese youth had been wild and rough and uncomplicated, and cemented their friendship in bed and out. Even after all this time, he felt some of the old heat rise, remembering those nights. Masa had been one of the few people he regretted leaving behind when Treize had driven him away.

When he'd risen to Academy instructor he hadn't been above seducing cadets, but he'd still taken size into consideration when planning his conquests. Even when pursuing reluctant prey, his aim was always mutual pleasure, not domination or pain. Cruising in bars like the one in Le Fleur, he had good instincts for choosing partners who were up to the challenge. The few times he'd found his would be-fuck toy too tight, he backed off, unwilling to cause even a stranger that kind of pain. Watching Wufei hurt himself that first time had been the antithesis of erotic.

His second time with Wufei had been better, it was true, but even with all Zechs's skillful preparation, penetration had not been easy, though they'd both enjoyed it. Zechs smiled, recalling the boy's wanton wildness, and the silken tightness of his virgin ass around Zechs's shaft. It had been intoxicating, but not because of the challenge or the pain, or even Wufei's passion. It had been the first time he'd found that kind of release with someone he genuinely loved.

Standing here now, however, still waiting for Wufei to come out of the bathroom, he couldn't help dwelling on the inevitable aftermath. Wufei had bled and been in considerable pain the next day.

And before Zechs could make amends and help him, he'd gone and gotten himself shot!

Zechs slowly relaxed fists he didn't remember clenching. Pacing again, he dug deeper, trying to sort out the growing tension in his gut. The doctor had said this was safe, and Wufei certainly wanted it. //What the fuck am I so worried about?//

Reverting to an inner calm that had served him well in battle, he reviewed the facts. The first time Wufei forced the issue---took control and did it badly. The second time he blind-sided Zechs again, and Zechs had been too rough.

//And this time?// He glanced at the bathroom door. //This time it's his choice, too, and he used the doctor against me to force the issue, even though I'm---//

What? //Not ready?// His heart was pounding in a way that spoke of more than lust and a headache was swelling to life behind his eyes. Looking down, he saw that his hands were shaking. His cock hung limp and disinterested against his thigh. Going to the night table, he shook a couple of painkillers from the bottle there and downed them dry.

//You got yourself shot, Wufei. You scared me then worse than I've ever been scared, and now you're pushing too hard again.//

Catching sight of himself in the mirror over the fireplace, Zechs halted, shocked. That was not the look of a lover.

He managed to calm himself by the time Wufei emerged from the bathroom. He was naked except for a towel around his waist and glistening from the shower. Regen had made the surgical scars on his chest disappear, leaving smooth, slightly lighter skin where they'd been. Zechs was glad of that; any reminder of what they'd been through, how close he'd come to losing this beautiful young man, made his own heart hurt.

Wufei's long, shining hair was still pulled back and his cheeks were flushed. At Zechs's nod, he lowered his eyes, let the towel drop, then positioned himself on hands and knees on the bed, legs slightly spread, ass presented. Zechs saw the blush darken, and the way he squeezed his eyes shut.

"Relax, love," Zechs murmured. "We don't have to do this if you're not up to it."

"I am ready. Please, proceed."

//Still relentless,// Zechs thought, resigned. It was certainly an alluring sight, Wufei's current pose, the image of submission apart from the fact that it was completely at his will that they were doing this now.

Zechs applied lubricant liberally to the purple plug and knelt behind Wufei to slick his tight, pink little hole. It was warm against his finger and flexed a little as he smoothed the cool gel around. His balls hung between his thighs like ripe plums, tight and silken and hairless. It occurred to Zechs that this was the first time he'd seen Wufei displayed like this in daylight. Before the shooting, they'd made love only at night, by candle or firelight, and it had been only toward the end that Wufei had permitted any sort of rimming or penetration. The memory of this slender golden body dressed in stockings and silken brassier in this very room stirred his cock, and the way he'd all but attacked Zechs in New Orleans, but he also noticed how much weight Wufei had lost since the shooting. He was still sleek and beautiful, but his backbone and ribs showed more clearly under muscle. Kneeling close, Zechs kissed his way up his lover's spine to the back of Wufei's neck, then nuzzled one delicate ear until Wufei shivered against him and hissed, "Please, just---do it?"

"You're treating this like some sort of training exercise, Wufei." Reaching between those slender thighs, he found Wufei's penis limp and shrunken. "It's not terribly romantic."

"A means to an end," came the whispered reply.

"I want to give you more than that, my love." Zechs stroked his back and hips, and slipped a lubed finger inside to prepare his tight channel. Wufei relaxed and let him in. He was so hot inside, the walls of his rectum smooth and slippery under his finger. Zechs caught his breath and pressed deeper, giving his prostate a gentle rub.

"Ah!" Wufei arched and shivered under his touch.

"That's better." Zechs tickled his prostate a little more, until Wufei was panting and his cock was stiff. In control of the situation at last, he parted Wufei's cheeks wider and pressed the tip of the plug to his opening. The loosened ring of puckered pink flesh accepted the implement. Zechs twisted it a little, making Wufei hiss and bite his finger, and pressed it home until the sphincter closed snugly around the base, stroking his lover's cock with his other hand.

"Very good." He rewarded Wufei with kisses and teasing nips all over his bottom until Wufei let out a very uncharacteristic sound that might have been a strangled giggle and collapsed on the bed, burying his face in the pillow and humping Zechs's hand shamelessly.

"How does it feel?" Zechs laughed.

"Like I have a finger up my---you know," came the muffled reply.

"Want it out?"

"No. But---how long until we go to the larger ones?"

"You're very impatient, mei," Zechs chided, releasing Wufei's weeping erection and withdrawing his hand. "One might even say headstrong."

Wufei lifted his head and regarded him seriously. "I was taught to meet challenges without flinching."

Zechs gave the exposed base of the plug another turn and grinned as Wufei caught his breath. "Unflinching, eh?" He did it again, just to show him who was in charge.

Wufei gasped. "You startled me, that's all. This is no challenge at all. Put in the next one."

"Hmm. That sounded rather like an order." Zechs gave him a light, playful smack on the buttocks, jarring the plug and making Wufei yelp into the pillow. "I'm beginning to think you might have been a bit spoiled as a child. Weren't you ever spanked?"

"Certainly not!" The bit of face Zechs could see between hair and pillow was scarlet now.

"Hmm, never too late," Zechs teased, giving him another light swat.

"Please, Zechs, put in the other one?" Wufei whined through gritted teeth, and it was clear now that he was still caught between arousal and embarrassment as he pushed up onto his hands and knees again, his flagging erection heavy between his thighs and showing a dewy drop of clear fluid at the tip.

Zechs leaned in and licked it away, drawing a very satisfying moan from his lover. "Very well." Zechs carefully extracted the small plug and replaced it with the next largest. This one was blue, a few inches longer, and an inch and a half wide at its largest point. Wufei had broken out in a sweat by the time Zechs had it properly seated. "Are you all right?" he asked, taking Wufei's cock in his hand again. It had gone limp.

Wufei lowered himself slowly back to the coverlet and wiggled his hips a little. "Yes. It's---um-- This will be of more use than the last."

"Good. Get your clothes back on, then, and let's take a walk."

Wufei gave him a look of disbelief, but Zechs stood and extended his hand. "Come on, don't dawdle. I fancy a game of chess."

It was very hard not to laugh at the hesitant way Wufei moved as he collected his discarded clothing and dressed. The loose silk pants and long shirt he'd come home in effectively hid any sign of the plug, but could not disguise the gingerly way he walked as they left the bedroom and made their way through the house to the library. Once there, Zechs gallantly placed an extra cushion in Wufei's usual chair, then kept him sitting there for five straight games. To his credit, Wufei won the last two.

+

It was not comfortable sitting on a plug, and Wufei could tell that Zechs was enjoying his discomfort. Wufei proudly refused to admit it and kept the damn thing in through supper and a walk to the frozen koi pond and back. By bedtime, however, he was cursing both his own stubbornness and Quatre for ever showing him that catalog, but had to admit that the plug was doing its job. He definitely felt different inside.

Zechs took pity on him and they went to bed quite early. He was very tired, in spite of his improvement since the cardioversion treatment and change of meds. Zechs removed the plug and drew a hot bath for them in the large sunken tub, then held Wufei and massaged his backside as they soaked together.

"Sore, mei?"

"A bit," Wufei admitted.

Zechs kissed the side of Wufei's neck and bit him gently just above the shoulder, sending a jolt of pleasure through him that made his nipples go hard and tingly. "Thank you for admitting it. You deserve a reward." With that, he turned Wufei so he was floating on his back across Zechs's lap and took his stiffening cock in his mouth, pleasuring him with lips and tongue while he kneaded Wufei's bottom with strong fingers and rubbed the ridge behind his balls with a thumb. Just as it had that night at the New Orleans hotel, the lingering pain in Wufei's ass transformed to heat and pleasure and he came in minutes, gasping in ecstasy. As soon as he recovered his wits he made Zechs sit up on the edge of the tub and knelt between his legs, returning the favor with enthusiasm that soon had Zechs gripping his head and growling with lust. Wufei wrapped an arm around his lover's muscular waist and took his cock down his throat, swallowing and humming to drive him over the edge as he played with and tugged on his balls. Zechs came with a guttural snarl, fingers tangled painfully in Wufei's hair.

"Ah Christ!" he gasped as Wufei swallowed his thick salty cum. "You never--- never cease to amaze, 05."

"05?" Giddy with sex, Wufei gazed adoringly up at him. "So was that a fantasy of yours, back in the war? Having a 'Gundam boy' suck you off?"

He was looking Zechs in the eye, and saw the sudden stricken look there, as clearly as he felt the sudden tension in his lover's body. "What is it, Zechs? What did I--- Oh." Wufei went still and cold all over, the taste of Zechs's passion still strong on his tongue. "Who was it?"

Zechs closed his eyes for a moment, looking as if he were in pain. "Not here. Not like this." He stood and pulled Wufei from the tub, wrapping them both in large bath sheets. When they were both dry and in their robes Zechs settled them on the couch in front of the fire and poured a tall scotch for them both.

Wufei sat at one end, curled up with his back pressed to the armrest. Feeling like he was caught in a nightmare, he sipped at the fiery liquid, disliking the taste but welcoming the instant numbing warmth of it. The few feet of cushions that separated them felt very far, and he was torn between needing to feel Zechs's heat and strength and wanting to punch him.

"Was it Yuy?" he asked, surprised at how calmly the question came out.

"No, Barton."

"Barton!" For some reason, that didn't make any sense. "And you never said anything. We stayed at their house! And that game at the hospital! Oh god! Does Quatre know?"

"Yes, he does, has for years, apparently, but you know how he is. Please, Wufei, let me explain." Zechs took a long sip and rubbed a hand over his face. Wufei's heart sank lower, but he took another swallow and clutched his glass in both hands, steeling himself for the worst.

"It was after I'd been driven out of OZ. I took refuge at the Barclay base in Antarctica. I was lost, Wufei. Treize had turned his back on me, I was a hunted man, and I'd gone renegade, reconstructing Yuy's Gundam at my own expense. At my request Noin brought him to me, for a duel. I was seeking my own death, and thought he could give it to me. Somehow Barton tagged along. I wondered if he and Yuy were involved; I knew at a glance that Barton was gay, and he read me just as easily. We're two of a kind, or at least we were back then."

"How---how did it happen? Did you---" Semen and scotch were threatening to climb back up his throat now. Images from those nights at the Le Fleur club suddenly came back to make him feel even worse. "Did you fuck him?"

"No! It was just mutual blow jobs between soldiers."

Wufei took another gulp of scotch. "Just?"

"I know it may be hard for you to understand. You lived a very different life than he and I did. But you know what I was like, before---before you. I've never lied to you, and I'm not now."

"Yes, I know that, but---" But before it had only been strangers, and Wufei been able to handle that. But this? This was different.

"It was late at night," Zechs went on. "We were cold and lonely and both thought we'd be dead tomorrow. It was just---physical, that's all. Comfort of the body. They left the following day and I didn't think I'd ever see him again. When I did, times had changed and we didn't repeat the act. It really didn't matter, Wufei. It was just a quick bit of comfort, like hundreds of others I'd shared with anyone available. There was never anything between us."

Wufei stared into his glass. "And Quatre doesn't mind?"

"Apparently not. He brought the subject up when you and I visited. He was checking me out, making certain my intentions toward you were honorable. For what it's worth, he gave me his blessing. And you saw how at ease he was during the spin-the-bottle game."

Wufei felt himself blushing again. "So they all know. Were they all looking at us and thinking---"

"No, Heero and Duo don't, and it's none of their business."

"I see. I suppose it's naive to ask why you haven't told me this before."

"I didn't know what to do. I've never been in this position before, Wufei. I saw how meeting Nakamura bothered you, and I understood." He paused, shaking his head sadly. "When you first came here, I never imagined I'd fall in love with you. And I had no idea that you were still friends with them. As time went on you drew me into that circle and I saw how important you all are to each other. I didn't want to lie to you but I also didn't want to do anything to damage your relationship with any of them. And I didn't want to lose you, of course. But I don't want to lie to you, either. I've never lied to you, my love. Do you wish I had?"

Wufei took another sip of scotch and considered this. At last he shook his head. "No. But please be honest with me now. Do you wish I were more like Trowa? Experienced, and---so free?"

Zechs leaned forward and captured his hand. "He wasn't free, Wufei. He'd been treated like a whore far too young and had no idea how else to act. He's made an amazing life for himself, a good life, but when I look in his eyes I still see a sad, damaged boy. I would never wish that on you. And I've already told you many times how very selfish I am, to be so glad to be your first real lover. But more than that, you are the only person, apart from Treize, that I have ever loved, and that's the truth." He gave Wufei a sad, imploring smile.

Wufei felt numb now, and it wasn't because of the alcohol. "Could you leave me for a while? I need time to take this in."

"Of course. I'll be in the library." Zechs rose and went out quickly, closing the door softly behind him.

Wufei sat a moment longer, stunned. Then he set the glass on the floor and rearranged himself on the couch, legs folded, back straight, hands relaxed on his knees, half lidded eyes fixed on the flickering light of the fire.

+

The lights were off and the servants had let the library fire go out, assuming he and Wufei had retired for the night. Content with darkness, Zechs dropped into his armchair and sank his head into his hands. The wind had risen outside, blowing gritty snow against the windows behind the heavy velvet drapes. The hollow, desolate sound echoed his own soul perfectly. For the first time in months, Eliot's verse came back to haunt him-- // rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar// Yes, that's how his heart felt right now.

How could he expect Wufei to understand, much less forgive? He should have told him sooner, that first night the boy had confessed his feelings for him. Zechs knew by then how honorable and inexperienced he was. But no, he'd told himself it didn't matter, that it would never matter. He'd lied to himself, if not Wufei, to convince himself that he was worthy of such a man. What a fool he'd been, to think he could outrun his past and reach for such a future.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been there when the door opened and softly closed again. He could hear Wufei's breathing, but hadn't the strength to look at him, to risk reading his expression in the darkness. But he heard the soft whispered of bare feet and silk, first to the book cases, and then to his chair, and so was not taken completely off guard when warm hands closed over his, and he felt a kiss pressed to the top of his bowed head.

"Wufei!" he sat up, blinking in sudden light as Wufei turned on the small lamp on the table next to his chair. He was smiling, and held a leather bound volume in one hand. With the other he gently pushed Zechs back in the chair, then sat down on his lap, his body warm and relaxed and naked under the thin rich fabric. After a moment's hesitation, Zechs put his arms around his waist and Wufei leaned easily against his shoulder as he began thumbing through the book. Finding his place at last, he looked up again and smiled again. "We began our courtship with poetry. It seems the best language now. I found this a while ago, but never got the chance to share it with you. So, Swinburne, nineteenth century British, from "Atalanta in Calydon."

"For winter's rains and ruins are over,
And all the seasons of snows and sins;
The days dividing lover and lover,
The light that loses, the night that wins;
And time remembered is grief forgotten,
And frosts are slain and flowers begotten,
And in green underwood and cover
Blossom by blossom the spring begins."


He closed the book and laid it aside, then took Zechs's face between his hands. "I don't know if that's clear enough, so let me add this: I have no claim on your past, or you on mine, such as it is. It would be illogical to blame you for something that happened before we even knew each other. But all that we have been has made us who we are now, and who I am now is someone who cannot imagine being without you. I have experienced that, and quite frankly, it was not pleasant. So, say something?"

Zechs stared up into those beautiful dark eyes and managed a broken little laugh. "I'm at a loss, except that I love you, and I always will. No poetry, just the truth, from the bottom of my heart."

Wufei leaned in and kissed him deeply. "That's all I need or want, my love. Will you take me to bed now, and finish what we started?"

"What we---?"

"Make love to me, Zechs. With your body. No more---toys." He wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Forgive me. It was a bad idea. All I want is you."

The last of Zechs's fear and doubt fell away as he rose with Wufei in his arms and carried him back to their bedroom. He laughed outright at what he found there. The lights were off, the bed was turned down, and every candle in the room was lit, washing the scene in a warm sensuous glow. Two thick clean towels lay on Zechs's pillow, and the large bottle of lube.

He laid Wufei down on his side of the wide bed and watched as the boy undid the tie of his robe and pushed it aside to bare his body to Zechs's hungry gaze. With the same sensual grace, he spread his legs and pulled the tie from his hair, letting it fan across the pillow, then held his arms out for Zechs. "Love me, Zechs."

Zechs let his own robe fall and climbed onto the bed, poised above his little love, holding himself up with his arms. "You are the last, the only one I take to my bed, Wufei."

Wufei pressed a finger to his lips, silencing him, then follow the finger with his lips. After a long kiss, he smiled and pulled Zechs down on top of him.

Still careful not to press too hard on his lover's smaller, still fragile body, Zechs lost himself in kisses and caresses until they were rolling around the bed together, kissing and fondling each other all over, building the heat and passion. When Zechs tried to move down and take Wufei's erection between his lips again, however, Wufei caught him and pressed the bottle of lube into his hand. "Please?"

"You're not too sore?"

"No. I want you---inside." Suddenly shy again, he turned over and raised his hips. His cheek was pressed to the pillow, but his eyes never left Zechs's. "I've been researching. It's-it's supposed to be easier this way."

"Yes." Zechs would have preferred to have him face to face, but knew that until Wufei was more broken in, this was the best way. So he kissed him again, then kissed his way down his slender back to lick his balls and lap his way up to the reddened, winking little opening. For all his modesty, Wufei loved to be rimmed and Zechs took his time, making a banquet of his lover's firm golden buttocks, probing his hole until it was soft and slick and pulsing with need. Only then did he reach for the lube and the towels Wufei had so considerately provided. Spreading one between Wufei's spread knees to protect the sheets, he coated his aching erection and Wufei's, then worked one, then two, then three fingers into Wufei's upturned ass until he was as open as could be expected.

"It'll be better if I do this quickly, I think," he panted.

"I trust you," Wufei murmured back.

Zechs took his cock in hand and guided the swollen red tip to Wufei's opening. He saw Wufei's fingers lock onto the sides of the pillow as he sank in with one steady thrust. He paused, feeling the slick muscles of Wufei's passage flex and relax to accept the invasion. When he saw those clenched fingers ease their grip, he began a slow, shallow thrusting, and heard Wufei gasp, then whine, then moan as the flaring edges of Zechs's glans massaged the sensitive, hidden bump of his prostate.

"Oh, Zechs!" Without warning, he pushed up on his arms and began thrusting back with a slow rhythm that perfectly complimented Zechs's own motion.

"Wufei! Wufei! Wufei!" The beloved name spilled from his lips like a prayer, a mantra of pleasure. "Nothing has ever compared to this, my beautiful---sweet--- lovely---Wufei!"

"It feels so good!" Wufei wailed, and reared back more, so that he was sitting in Zech's lap, riding up and down on his cock.

Zechs took Wufei's oiled cock on one hand, and fondled his silky balls with the other, and Wufei wailed his pleasure and panted his name, begging for more. Lost as he was in his own rising ecstasy, Zech was careful to control his thrusts, unwilling to cause him pain.

"Yes! So good! Don't stop!" Wufei sobbed.

Zechs kissed his cheek, lapping his tears, and increased the rhythm of his hand on his lover's cock. The flesh was so hard against his palm, and hot, so hot!

Suddenly Wufei's breath went ragged and his whole body began to shake. "Zechs! Zechs! O god Zechs I'm going to---to---"

"Come for me, mei!" Zechs gasped, feeling his own climax building to inexorable completion. "Come with me!"

They came together, shuddering and mingling their cries as Wufei's white ejaculate shot into the air to coat his belly and chest and Zechs's pumping hand, and Zechs came hot and hard and deep in the secret recesses of his lover's elegant, sweat-slicked body.

With a last wild cry Wufei went limp against him. Zechs had enough presence of mind to swipe the soiled towel aside as he lowered him to the sheets. Collapsing beside him, he pulled Wufei into his arms and held him as he laughed and gasped and cuddled against his chest. Still panting himself, Zechs found the other towel and used it to clean them both as best he could, then gave up and just lay there, reveling in the after glow. "I love you, Wufei. And I owe you a poem, don't I? It's from that book of Japanese poetry you left behind that day. I forget the poet, but it reminded me of you." He combed his fingers through Wufei's tousled hair, winding the strands around his fingers.

"A thousand strands of glistening deep black
hair in tangles,
tangles, all intertangled
like my dreams of you."


Wufei chuckled and caught a strand of Zech's long pale hair where it lay across his lover's chest, and wound it together with a lock of his own.

"'This morning I will not_ comb my hair._
It has lain_ pillowed on the hand of my lover.'"


"A lovely sentiment, but perhaps impractical," Zechs whispered, kissing the mingled strands.

"Then I'll tell you one that came to me while you waited in the library. It's from the same book, by the poet Izumi Shikibu."

"My black hair tangled
As my own tangled thoughts,
I lie here alone,
Dreaming of one who has gone,
Who stroked my hair till it shone."


He brought Zechs's hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly. "And I knew I could never bear to be alone again, having known your touch, and your love. The past is past, Zechs, and the future can't be known. We only have today and today I am happy, because of you. Nothing else matters. So no more worries, or secrets, or doubts? No more regrets. We've had enough of all that, haven't we?"

"Yes, we have. We live in the present, together."

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