Notes: Ah, here comes
the angst. In a bushel barrel basket :P More lemon as well, of course...
Marking it Down to Learning + Chapter 5
The Darkness Closing in
Heero leaned back in his chair, not bothering to hide the scowl that crossed
For one, he hated meetings. Once, he hadn't minded them - he'd accepted
them as he'd accepted everything else in his life. If he was supposed to
be at a meeting, he was at a meeting. That's just the way it was.
But after the war, especially after he'd moved in with the other pilots,
he'd made an astounding revelation - he didn't always have to follow
orders. Even if he did follow orders, he didn't have to like
it. He didn't even have to pretend to like it.
The day that these revelations had dawned on him had been the most freeing
day of his life. It was better than flying Wing, better than hearing that
peace had been declared, better than finding that the Bartons were well
and truly defeated.
All of those wonderful moments had, in the end, proved fraudulent.
When he flew Wing, however free he had felt he was, he wasn't, really. He
was just following someone else's orders, fighting a war that was essentially
someone else's fight. As committed as he'd been to his cause, Heero hadn't
realized until years later that the people actually in the field were rarely
those who had instigated or stood to benefit from a war.
Zechs and Treize had been notable exceptions from that rule. But even they
weren't as personally involved or responsible as they had liked to think
they were. They'd been run by the old men of Romefeller, just as he and
the other pilots had been run by the scientists.
The end to the Gundam wars, he'd thought, would bring peace to everyone,
and freedom to him. The scientists were dead, and there was noone left to
hold his leash. He wouldn't have to fight again.
But, of course, he had. The Bartons had stepped into the ring, and once
again he'd been called to battle.
And again, he'd been sure that that would be the end. Finally, he
was free; finally, he could live his life knowing that he would never have
to kill again.
It hadn't worked out that way. He'd killed many times since the end of that
war. On "official Preventer business," of course... but it was
still killing. He didn't very much like it... but at least he could acknowledge
now that he didn't like it. He didn't have to pretend to be impervious to
So, that was about as free as he got. Being able to be visibly pissed off
when he had to do things he didn't like.
That thought deepened his scowl.
He glanced around the table, scowling impartially at the other people gathered
around the table.
Preventer brass. What a useless group of people.
His mood darkened as he stared at the collection of upper agents and administrators,
all doing their best to look and sound important, and, for the most part,
failing miserably. The best that could be said for them was that they usually
stayed out of his way.
Most of them had been career military, until suddenly there wasn't much
need for the huge standing armies that had been constructed over the course
of the last decades. Because of that background, they tended to run the
Preventers as though it were a battalion - Heero just knew that deep inside
they were longing to build a barracks and send uppity agents into the kitchens
to peel potatoes.
Some of them, he had to admit, actually knew what the hell they were doing.
But they were mostly the younger ones, or the ones who didn't have the contacts
or the pull to get into the upper positions. Heero foresaw a day a decade
or so down the road when the Preventers would actually be an astute, well-run
force. But that day certainly wasn't here yet.
But, as much as they might hassle other agents, he and the other former
pilots were usually left pretty much to their own devices. They were respected
as fellow soldiers, and so the officials either pretty much ignored them
or made grasping sycophants of themselves. A spiteful few went out of their
way to make life difficult for the "Gundam Heroes," but most of
them had... well, they'd gotten that out of their systems by now.
Une was really the best of the bunch, if that demonstrated how useless the
rest of them were. The woman was perpetually unhinged. She hid it better
now that Treize was no longer around to push her buttons, but she wasn't
quite right in the head.
Heero was forced to concede, however, that her inability to perceive reality
as it actually was made her a very good administrator. He would have had
no problem working with her if she hadn't made it her private mission to
mold the former Gundam pilots into model agents.
He'd been a model soldier for years. He didn't have any interest in being
But Une couldn't seem to grasp that simple fact. Or, if she did, she refused
to accept it. She pushed and pushed, nudged, nagged, made caustic comments
and did everything she could to pull the five lovers apart on assignments.
She always stopped just short of going too far, and part of Heero almost
looked forward to the day that she finally stepped over the line and they
would be able to loudly and ostentatiously resign from the force.
He wasn't sure exactly what he would do if he ever left the Preventers.
He never really thought of it because... well, just because. But he was
sure he'd find something, and it wasn't as though they had to worry about
money. Quatre had enough to support them all.
It should bother him, living off Quatre. Even though they all made separate
salaries, by and large he, Duo, Wufei and Trowa contributed very little
toward their own day-to-day living expenses. He always meant to sit down
and work out a budget with the Arab, but when he tried, the blond usually
ended up... distracting him, somehow, and they never got around to it.
Heero's scowl lightened, and a small grin touched his lips as he allowed
his gaze to drift to his... roommates. Quatre was talking, gesturing at
maps on the wall to make some point. Wufei was shuffling through a pile
of documents, and Trowa leaned forward, his brow furrowed and an intent
look on his face as he followed the argument with his eyes, obviously just
waiting for the right moment to insert his own opinion. Duo lounged in his
chair, looking for all the world as bored as Heero was.
Duo. Heero stared at the braided man, watching his slight movements as he
leaned back in the chair, pulled his braid over his shoulder and played
with the end, glanced up at the clock on the conference room wall.
Heero gave Duo a lot of the credit for showing him a new way to live. He'd
been so lost after the war. He'd thought it would be so... good to finally
be free of orders, but when he had... he didn't know what to do. He wasn't
sure how to handle it. He'd drifted for a long time, unsatisfied, bored,
with a nervous feeling that he was doing something wrong. He hadn't
known what, or how to fix it, but he'd known that things just... weren't
right. After a year or two, Duo had contacted him, and suggested that he
move back to Sanc to join the Preventers.
He'd jumped at the suggestion, glad to have something, anything, to do with
It had taken a long time for him to realize the... arrangement that the
other pilots had come to. He hadn't realized anything was going on between
any of them until they'd all moved in together.
Even then, it had taken him a while to pick up the fact that something had
happened between his four... friends. It wasn't until he'd heard some comments
around headquarters, and noticed a few interactions between them, thought
through a few joking remarks that he realized that they were all... together.
He'd been amazed.
Then he'd been furious.
Heero wasn't sure that he'd ever been that angry at other people in his
life. He'd been angry at himself and his own mistakes lots of times, and
he'd been irritated with people, or abstractly angry about their actions...
but he didn't know that he'd ever been that pissed at anyone before.
What the fuck were they thinking? Why had they set that sort of arrangement
up, and not invited him?
He'd stewed about it for several days, avoiding them, snapping at people
at work. He'd even called in sick two days in a row - two of only three
days of work he'd missed in the three years he'd worked for the Preventers
- just so that he could stay home and be angry at them.
Finally, he'd worked himself up enough to stamp over to Quatre's, and demand
of them why'd they'd never invited him to be part of the group.
He'd expected excuses, explanations, apologies.
He hadn't expected Duo to pull him into the apartment, slam him against
the door, and shove his tongue down his throat.
He certainly hadn't expected them to take turns fucking him and letting
him fuck them the entire night and into the morning.
That next morning was the third day of work he'd missed in the three years.
He hadn't had much experience with sex at that point, and what little he'd
had hadn't been very enjoyable. Not unpleasant, just not... anything good
enough to convince him that sex was all that special.
He'd found out that night how wrong he was.
Duo had been the first one to take him. He'd never been touched like the
American had touched him that night - inside and out, with fingers and lips
and tongue, gently and roughly, tender kisses alternating with deliciously
The first time the American had taken him had been the most incredible experience
of his life. Heero shifted in his chair, feeling himself harden at the memory
of staring up into those violet eyes as Duo slowly slid his whole burning
length inside him. It had been the most amazing sensation he'd ever felt.
Even now, though he'd experienced the same sensation many times, with all
four of the former pilots, the wonder of it still astonished him every time.
The only experience that equaled it was when he took them. He shuddered
slightly, hardening further, his eyes still roaming over Duo, the meeting
forgotten. In the years he'd spent in training with J, the scientist had
emphasized again and again that sex was nothing but a biological urge that
was best suppressed. He, Heero, wasn't there to reproduce the species -
the other fools in the world had that well in hand. And reproduction, J
lectured, was the only reason for sex - all the other hype attached to it
was just that - hype, intended to romanticize an act that was, at its best,
bestial and messy. He existed for a higher purpose that that.
For years, he'd obediently submitted to that doctrine.
But J had been wrong - so wrong. That first time with Duo had taught him
that. Sex was for pleasure - pure, electrifying pleasure. Nothing Heero
had ever experienced brought him the same feeling that joining himself with
another person did. Feeling that hot tightness around him, squeezing him,
holding him, yielding to him, welcoming him... it was indescribable.
The first time he'd really felt the power of that experience was with Duo.
He continued to stare at the braided pilot, but Duo didn't feel his gaze,
and kept fidgeting in his chair. The first time had been with Duo. If Duo
hadn't given him that, he'd never know...
Once he'd realized what he'd been missing all his life, he was eager to
make up for lost time. He'd spent more than twenty years without it - he'd
be damned if he was wasting any more time. Plus, the others had been together
for months - they had a jump on him that he needed to compensate for.
Heero knew dimly that sometimes his appetite for sex eclipsed that of the
others. Sometimes they teased him about it, but he usually paid them back
for that by fucking them until they were wrapping their legs around him
and begging for more. It always surprised him when he had to remind them
of what they themselves had shown him - that sex was wonderful, amazing,
uplifting... He wanted to feel what they brought him every moment of the
day. But sometimes, they themselves forgot what they had taught him, they
fell prey to the traps they'd freed him from. They put the unimportant minutia
of life ahead of what was important - pleasure, happiness, freedom.
He felt free when he was with them. He knew that in life he really wasn't
free, and he rebelled against that. But with them, in their home, in bed,
in them, he was. Every time they yielded to him, or took him, or
touched him, or let him touch them, they affirmed that. He was free.
He wasn't following anyone's orders, only his desires.
"... don't you agree, Heero?"
He jerked his gaze away from Duo as the irritated tone in Une's voice finally
penetrated his consciousness.
"Agree with what?" he demanded, his own voice surly, annoyed at
having his reverie interrupted.
Une sighed theatrically, glancing wearily around the table as though searching
for recognition of her patience at putting up with inattentive subordinates.
"Don't you agree that the best plan is to wait a bit before sending
more operatives into the field?" she repeated meaningfully.
Damn. Maybe he should have been paying attention.
He glanced at Quatre, and saw that the blond's turquoise eyes were narrowed
in irritation. He glanced away, then swayed slightly in his seat as a wave
of anger and denial seemed to barrel into his chest from Quatre's direction.
He scowled. Quatre wasn't as subtle as he'd once been. Noone ever discussed
Quatre's odd power, but it was one of those things that everybody knew about
anyway. Once or twice, when some small argument or disagreement had broken
out among them, the blond had let loose, swamping each of them with the
other's heightened emotions.
All that anger and frustration swirling around... it had been one hell of
But somehow he doubted that Quatre was trying to excite him at the moment.
"No, I don't agree," he snapped. Immediately, Quatre let up on
his mental pressure, and Heero grinned foolishly as a wave of pleasure and
approval replaced the irritation that had been building up around him.
Now it was Une's turn to scowl. "Why?" she demanded. "We
need more information before... "
"You can't pussyfoot around this kind of thing," Heero insisted
flatly. "It's not a game. If you dabble, you arouse suspicion."
"Thank you!" Quatre inserted acerbically, smirking triumphantly
at Une. "My point exactly! If you keep moving operatives in and out
of the field, you create a steady stream of unknowns in environments where
faces change slowly and gradually. By doing that, you... "
Heero tuned out. Everyone knew that Quatre would win in the end - he usually
did if he really put his mind to it. The only times he hadn't were when
the rest of them didn't agree with his point-of-view, and so didn't give
him their support. The blond was usually right on the mark in terms of what
strategy the Preventers ought to adopt, but his corporate background, for
all that it helped him look at problems from different angles and make decisions
with utter ruthlessness, sometimes hindered him. He tended to think of things
in terms of material profit and loss, and lose track of the fact that it
didn't really matter so much if an investigation used an excessive amount
of resources, as long as it was successful.
Bored with the meeting once again, Heero turned his attention back to his
perusal of his lovers. He felt himself grow hotter as he watched Trowa.
His green eyes were intent, and he was busy taking notes, jotting down suggestions
as Quatre tossed them out, sometimes taking note of comments by Une as well.
The Japanese man's blue gaze moved hotly over Trowa's long body, his mind's
eye seeing him as he had been last night - stretched out on the bed, arms
bound over his head, legs splayed and tied down, exposed cock hard and straining,
those incredible eyes covered by a blindfold and his mouth open, panting,
moaning, begging him for release.
Heero loved that - he loved tying a lover down, receiving license to hold
and touch and taste and take him as he wanted, knowing that he had control
of that person's desire and pleasure, and that he could grant, deny and
direct it however he wanted. Trowa would play that game with him more than
anyone else would - the green-eyed man loved being tied down as much as
Heero loved tying him down, loved surrendering his body to someone else.
Faced with such eager cooperation, Heero found it very hard to control himself
when they played that way - he would take Trowa and the others again and
again and still be ready and eager for more. Last night's session had gone
on so long that none of them had gotten more than a few hours' sleep, and
this morning Trowa's movements had a noticeable stiffness to them.
Heero dropped his hand down the side of his chair and clenched his fists
- the memory of Trowa's taut, glistening body was making him breathe heavily
and tighten with desire and anticipation, and he didn't really want every
imbecile at this meeting to realize that he was concentrating more on the
thought of fucking Trowa than on the meeting. Not that he particularly cared
what any of them thought of him, he just really didn't feel like getting
bitched at by Une.
He moved his gaze back to Duo, noting with appreciation how the shorter
man's casual posture served to show off the graceful lines of his physique.
Duo wasn't tall, but he never really appeared to be that short, either.
His structure was slender and almost delicate looking - deceptively so -
but that really just added to his overall air of sleekness. Everything about
him was proportioned so well, was so lithe and toned, that it was really
only when you were standing right next to him that you realized that he
was actually fairly short.
Heero continued to stare at Duo, his ponderings on Duo's physical appearance
again leading him to thoughts about sex with the violet-eyed man - the memory
of Duo's skin against his, the taste of his mouth, the touch of his hands...
Suddenly, Duo glanced up, his gaze meeting Heero's heated one. They stared
at each other for a moment, then Duo's mouth curved in a slow smile. He
looked away, staring blankly at the opposite wall for a few minutes, then
got out of his chair and left the table. He moved unobtrusively to the door
of the room, and casually let himself out. The others looked up from their
discussion as he moved, but didn't pause, continuing with their arguments
Heero scowled at the door Duo had just exited through, feeling somehow dismissed.
Duo had obviously known what he was thinking, but hadn't even bothered to
stay and flirt a little.
A moment later Heero started slightly, startled, as the small device in
his shirt pocket suddenly started vibrating. He pulled out the wireless
communicator and scowled - who could be messaging him? Everyone who usually
harassed him was here in the meeting.
He scowled at the small screen as words scrolled through and off the view
He was hard pressed from grinning widely at it. That would have given the
game away, though.
He hit the button again, and the message scrawled past for a second time.
Conference room 247. Be
there, or miss out.
Heero forced himself to scowl at the small piece of electronic equipment
as though annoyed by the message. He hit another button, deleting it, and
pushed back his chair, purposely letting it scrape loudly across the floor.
Everyone glanced at him, and Une opened her mouth as though to ask him a
question, but he scowled so ferociously as he got up and stamped toward
the door that noone actually asked him anything.
He closed the door behind him and hurried down the corridor to the specified
room, finally letting the grin he'd been repressing spread across his face.
They didn't usually do it at work. They didn't have many rules in their
lives, but that was one that they'd all tacitly agreed on. They didn't much
care about keeping Une happy, but they could concede that Preventers Headquarters
wasn't really the best place for free love.
But there were exceptions to every rule.
And God, how he loved that.
He finally reached room 247, and jerked the door open. The room was empty
except for a long table, a few battered chairs, and Duo, sitting on the
edge of the table, his legs swinging aimlessly in the air.
Heero stared at him for a moment through narrowed eyes, then stepped into
the room, closing the door behind them.
For a time, neither of them moved. They remained still, staring steadily
at each other, each savoring the knowledge of what was going to happen.
The anticipation heightened, and within a few minutes Heero could almost
feel the tension suspended between them, drawing them toward each other
and holding them apart at the same time.
Heero surrendered first, and moved like lightning over the short distance
separating them, crushing Duo to him and kissing him almost savagely.
The shorter man kissed him back eagerly, his hands tearing at Heero's shirt,
loosening his tie, barely restraining himself from ripping the buttons off
in his urgency. When he'd finally gotten the shirt open, he ran his hands
over Heero's chest, his palms stroking long circles over the hard, flat
Heero growled, undoing Duo's shirt in turn, lowering his head to suck on
the flesh of the other man's neck, biting down on the tender skin as his
arms wrapped around his lover, pressing him hard against his own body.
Duo groaned, his hands moving lower to undo Heero's belt, to unbutton his
pants and yank them down as far as he could reach.
Heero arrested his movement, pulling a small tube out of his pocket and
setting it beside Duo on the table before shoving his pants the rest of
the way down his legs, not bothering to kick off his shoes, leaving the
material pooled around his calves. He kissed Duo again, his tongue aggressively
taking possession of the other man's mouth as he roughly pulled Duo's pants
apart. He pulled the slacks down, lifting Duo slightly off the table to
yank them all the way down. They tangled over his shoes and Heero growled,
pulling on them hard, pulling Duo's shoes off his feet as he finally managed
to rid him of the offending material.
His hands moved to cradle the American's hips again, the fronts of his own
thighs digging into the edge of the table as he pressed his hard length
against Duo's. He felt the other man's strong legs wrap around his waist,
pulling them even closer together, and he groaned aloud. He fumbled on the
table for the little tube, pulling his mouth away from Duo's and cursing
as he dropped the cap on the floor. He pulled Duo closer toward him, so
that the other man was barely seated on the table, and moved his hand between
Duo's parted legs, reaching beneath the trembling erection and the soft
skin beneath, to prod at his opening.
Duo let his breath out in a hiss, and his hands scrabbled at Heero's back
through the thin fabric of the shirt that he still wore.
"God! Heero!" Duo gasped. "Do it! Fuck me right here! Fuck
Heero felt himself swell even more at the words, and he hastily rubbed some
of the lubricant over his own throbbing length. He held Duo's hips tightly
in his hands, and without further preamble, shoved his entire length into
the American's tight heat with one sudden thrust.
Duo moaned, his hands moving down to cup Heero's bare buttocks, squeezing
them, pulling them slightly apart, pulling him tighter against his own body.
Heero swore, and began to pound into the American in earnest, his neck tightly
set and his face locked into a grimace as he moved faster, harder, Duo's
rough caresses and cries of encouragement spurring him further and further
Caught up as he was in his own passion, he didn't hear the door open.
He heard the shocked gasp, though, and the man's voice raised loudly in
"Jesus Christ!" he cried, his voice sounding pained. Heero stiffened,
stopping as he recognized the voice as belonging to Hillis, one of the agents
Duo was friendly with.
"Christ!" Hillis shouted again. "Hang out a red light or
something!" There was amusement in his voice this time, and the door
hastily slammed closed as the agent precipitously retreated.
Duo chucked hoarsely. "Nah - I've put those days behind me!" he
shouted, loudly enough for the other man to hear through the door.
Heero's eyes were clenched tightly closed as he fought for control. It wasn't
the first time they'd been caught doing it in a public place, but it was
the first time they'd been discovered by someone that they knew. He was
surprised - and annoyed - to find that he was more than a little embarrassed
He opened his eyes to find Duo grinning at him, and became even more annoyed
as he realized that, unlike him, the American wasn't embarrassed at all.
He scowled, and focused the annoyance that he was feeling on the only target
available to him at the moment.
"Why do you say things like that?" he snapped at Duo.
Duo frowned, obviously surprised by the ire in his lover's voice. "Like
what?" he ventured, his brow furrowing with honest bewilderment.
Heero scowled. "In the middle of this case, when someone catches us
fucking on the table, you make prostitution jokes?" he demanded, his
voice heavy with incredulous condemnation.
Duo stared at him, the expression on his face growing slowly more uncertain.
"You make comments like that all the time," Heero noted brusquely.
"Why do you say things like that in the first place?"
"Things... like what?" Duo asked slowly. Heero stared at him,
his eyes narrowed, noticing the sudden tension in the other man's shoulders.
That annoyed him even more.
"Things like that your red light days are over," he snapped. "Do
you think that's funny?"
"Well, I guess not... " Duo began dubiously.
"Then why say it?" Heero demanded angrily. He was aware that he
was being a jerk. It wasn't Duo's fault that they'd gotten caught, and it
wasn't like Hillis was going to report them or anything. He just... didn't
like feeling embarrassed. It reminded him of what he'd been like before,
and he didn't like it.
"Well... because they are," Duo said slowly.
Heero stared at him. That was not at all the response he'd been expecting,
and it staggered him. "What?" he finally managed, inadequately.
Duo shrugged, looking away. "The red light days are done," he
"What red light days?" Heero pressed.
"My red light days," Duo said lightly.
"You... " Heero shook his head, trying to process this sudden
influx of new information. He stared at his lover like he'd never seen him
before. "You mean you were... you... "
Duo glanced up at him, staring into his eyes. He could only hold the gaze
for a moment, though, and he looked away. "I did a little whoring,
once upon a time," he said with forced lightness, but Heero could hear
the tension in his tone. "But like I said, those days are done. It's
just the four of you now," Duo began, sidling closer to Heero again,
his hands sliding back down Heero's bare back.
Heero stepped away, his abruptly softened length sliding out of Duo's body
as he moved away from the other man's touch.
Duo stared down at Heero's suddenly flaccid penis, then his gaze jerked
back up to Heero's face, his eyes bright with a strange, frenetic light.
"Heero, what are you... "
"When?" Heero demanded flatly. He had to know when. If it had
happened after the war, doing those years when they were all lost and aimless,
that was one thing. But if it had been before... God, it couldn't
have been before...
"After... I left the orphanage," Duo told him slowly, his features
"After... " Heero could hardly speak for the sick feeling rising
in his stomach. They never spoke much about their pasts, but Duo had mentioned
the orphanage a time or two. He'd left it when he was eight.
Duo had had to... to sell himself when he was eight years
old? Heero stared at the other man, horrified. What kind of sick person
forced themselves on an eight-year-old? A child that age wasn't capable
of giving consent, and for an adult to refuse to help a hungry child without
getting the use of his body in return...
"That's sick," Heero blurted out, barely realizing that he was
speaking aloud. It was sick, it was depraved, and it horrified him to know
that Duo had experienced that, that the most giving person he knew had been
used that way.
A strange expression flickered across Duo's face, before Heero could properly
register what it was. The other man stared at him, his eyes unusually wide
in a pale face. "Heero, I had no money... nothing to eat," Duo
began defensively, but Heero couldn't even follow what he was saying. He
shook his head sharply from side to side, trying to clear it, and Duo faltered,
the flow of words ceasing.
"That's... " Heero trailed off, unable to continue. "You
never told me that," he said flatly. And I never asked! his
mind screamed in accusation.
He was... an asshole. He had taken Duo... taken him like all those
nameless others had... used him for his own pleasure.
He stepped back, moving away from Duo. The American reached out and grabbed
his arm, trying to tug him back toward him.
"Heero, don't!" Duo demanded in a low voice. "Let me explain...
"Don't... just... don't," Heero managed, pulling away from Duo's
touch. He couldn't bear to hear an explanation, it was too sudden... he
couldn't bear to know...
The image of Dacia and Michel flashed across his mind. He'd been trying
to avoid thinking about them, because it made him so... angry. They were
so helpless, so unable to defend themselves - the thought that someone had
taken advantage of it and used it so cruelly made him so angry he could
hardly stand it.
And that had happened to Duo too?
He couldn't stand it, couldn't bear it... couldn't stomach it. His body
reacted physically, bile rising in his throat as he thought of a small Duo,
trapped under a much bigger man, helpless to stop the violation of his own
Heero found that he was shaking his head from side to side wildly, trying
to deny the truth of what he'd heard.
"Heero!" Duo lowered himself off the table, moving toward him.
He reached toward Heero, and the other man shrank back. He couldn't let
Duo touch him, try to comfort him after he had failed the American so badly.
Duo stared at him, his outstretched hand trembling in the air between them
before it fell heavily at his side.
Heero shook his head again, yanking his pants back up and fastening them
with trembling fingers.
"Heero, please," Duo whispered, his voice hoarse. "Just
listen to me. Let me explain... "
"No!" Heero half-shouted. "God, Duo, don't... I don't
want to hear... I can't stand... " His face twisted with the horror
still screaming inside him, and he turned away from his lover. He yanked
open the door and practically ran down the corridor, ignoring Duo's cry
He'd failed Duo. He... God! He couldn't process it, couldn't bear
it... This wasn't part of what they all had... it wasn't supposed
to have happened, wasn't supposed to be! This one added element,
and his own helplessness to control it or make it better, altered his entire
perception of everything that he'd thought he had under such careful command.
He didn't - he hadn't known anything about that, that secret that
Duo had borne alone because it didn't belong in the pretty picture of their
lives. He didn't know, he hadn't helped, he had no control...
He had no control... as he fled away from the man he'd failed so badly,
that thought pounded again and again through his mind, and he felt all the
locks, the bars, the prisons, the strictures that he'd thought he'd escaped
from closing in inexorably around him again.
And Heero fled from them.
[part 4] [part 6]
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