sap and lemon within. The characters are not mine, except
in my twisted little dreams. C&C is appreciated!!
Know Who I Want... + Part 1
about my lovers…feeling the smooth texture of their skin beneath my hands
as I ghost my fingers up one hard-muscled chest and down another…swirling
my tongue over tight, aroused nipples…I hear their breath come in shorter
and shorter gasps…hear a soft moan tear from one of their throats…
And then the damn bed is jarred and I wake up. Damn it! I almost moan
myself, refusing to open my eyes, wanting to go back into that dream,
continue hearing those erotic noises…
Hey. I am still hearing those erotic noises.
It's hard, but I manage to keep myself from grinning like an idiot. I
force myself to continue breathing slowly and deeply, and very slowly
open my eyes, just the barest slit.
I didn't need to worry about interrupting them. They aren't paying any
attention to me.
Still, I continue to feign sleep. It isn't often that I get to observe
this - usually I'm part of the action.
Not that I'm complaining about that! But Heero and Trowa…well, Heero and
Trowa have issues.
Heero is a lot more secure with me than he is with Trowa. He still carries
a lot of guilt over what could have been. When we thought Trowa had been
killed, and had gone to his death feeling rejected and betrayed by us…well,
let's just say it wasn't a happy time for anyone. It certainly affected
me…but I'm a lot better at letting go than Heero is. Kind of strange,
since I was the one raised Catholic. And this may sound shallow, but I
never felt as guilty about it as Heero did. Not that I didn't feel guilty!
I did, and when Trowa left me, I had to bear that burden. But Heero…well,
Heero raises guilt to an art form. Heero feels guilt very deeply, and
has a horrible time getting rid of it. Remember the Noventa fiasco? I
rest my case.
Heero thought - and still thinks - that he seduced me that first night.
Puh-leeze. He was about seventeen sheets to the wind, had only ever been
with Relena, making him…well, let's be nice and say a novice, and…c'mon,
we're talking me here. I'm not exactly the type to be swept willy-nilly
off my feet. I was having sex before Heero knew that his dong had more
than one function.
But Heero believed - and still believes, despite everything that's happened
since - that he single-handedly destroyed what Trowa and I had, and it
was only salvaged through sheer luck. I think that Heero still believes
that he was forgiven too easily - that Trowa accepted his apology and
granted his love too readily. In his own little mind, Heero is certain
that he didn't have to suffer enough for his guilt to be truly expiated.
So, despite the full year that has elapsed since the end of the war, Heero
has still not recovered himself - he's still a little tentative, a little
unsure, not quite the Heero Yuy we all know and love. Not yet.
And Trowa…Sometimes I worry that we - 'fess up, Maxwell - that I
rushed Trowa a little too fast. I mean, at the beginning, when we were
still in space, he had to be rushed. Trowa is more stubborn than you can
possibly imagine. If I'd left him considerately alone, given him time
to think and sort out and ponder he'd have decided that our relationship
had always been fraudulent, that Heero and I were lying to him and ourselves
when we assured him that we wanted him too, and - most damaging - would
have decided that he himself was irreparably soiled, and unfit of receiving
love from anyone. We would have lost him, then, forever. He would have
left, and there would have been no getting him back, even if I'd tried
my whole life. Which I would have.
So, in order to save him from a life of stoic loneliness and to save myself
from going slowly mad from chasing bonehead boy around the universe, I
had to push him to admit his feelings and accept ours.
But once we got to our island paradise, where we stayed a full year courtesy
of the Winner heir… Well, I continued being pushy. I did what I honestly
thought I had to - I made him be near us, made him open up and talk to
us and accept us. He didn't want to, and God how he fought it…He was downright
mean more than once, which was something I'd never seen from Trowa before.
But it was a stage he had to go through - he had to let his anger out,
and he had to lash out at us first, because we were there and available
and safe. But it hurt him to feel it - and it hurt me to make him feel
it. But he had to know that whatever happened - whatever he did or said
or told us - we would never, ever leave him.
Once he got past that stage, he acceded to my demands - like he always
has. Thinking about it, over the course of our entire relationship, even
before it all blew up in our faces, Trowa has almost never refused me
anything. It worries me a little. I don't want to fall back in those old
patterns of dominant and submissive. And I'm not talking about sex, here
- he was on top plenty of times. But I wanted - and want - him to know
that it's safe to argue with me, safe to disagree, to demand his way once
in a while…and I'm still not sure that he - or Heero for that matter -
really believes that.
I guess even a year together isn't really enough time to completely work
through and solve every issue, even though it seems like it should be.
Impatient? Who, me? It just seems to me that if it only takes nine months
to create an entire person - which is an event which our happy little
threesome is fortunately safe from - a year should be plenty of time to
fix a couple people.
But I know it's not. It took us all more than twenty years to develop
our doubts and uncertainties; they won't go away in twelve short months.
It's just hard for me to be so constantly on guard - to watch for all
the nuances, weigh the possibilities of every decision and remark and
action…I keep worrying that I'll screw up and the consequences…well, the
consequences would be awful.
Case in point. Almost four months ago, Trowa announced he was ready and
had sex with us. And I was thrilled. It was - and is, and has been - wonderful.
But was he really ready, or was he pushing himself to please us?
It had been six months since we arrived on the island, eight months since
he had escaped from Barton, and everything I'd read pointed toward that
being within average parameters for victims of sexual abuse to resume
normal sexual activity. But Trowa's never been average. But is he above-average,
which would have indicated that he was and even had been ready, or were
his circumstances coupled with his background more severe than average,
indicating he really needed more time? So did we do him harm by accepting
his evaluation at face value and sleeping with him? Was he testing us,
and did we violate a trust? Or, if I had expressed my doubts, would he
have taken it as a rejection and cut himself off from us, again and forever?
It doesn't really make me feel any better to realize that the correct
answer is probably: all of the above.
So, anyway, to sum all this up: Heero and Trowa have issues. These issues
have made them kind of unsure with each other. It's gotten a lot better,
but still manifests itself most obviously in bed. Not that it's probably
obvious to them. But I've noticed that neither of them really initiates
sex with the other. If I guide them to each other - subtly, without seeming
to be doing so - they are more than willing to be with each other. Willing,
ready, enthusiastic, anxious…you get my point. But almost never will Heero
approach Trowa, or vice versa.
This morning seems to be a decided exception to that rule, though. Maybe
coming home is a good thing.
Yes, we've left our island. As wonderful as it was, as magical and private
and healing a place as it had become for us, we couldn't stay there forever.
One of Quatre's rare messages came through, and indicated that we are
needed in Sanc. The restructuring of the Preventers is not going that
well, and the heroes of the Gundam Wars, the Eve Wars, and the latest
little debacle which I don't know the name of yet, would be handy in helping
to sort out the problem.
I would say let them all go to hell in a handbasket - actually, I'd probably
say something stronger - but when they did guess who'd have to go fetch
them back? Besides, I kind of got the impression that Quatre and Wu are
getting a little worn down doing hero/diplomat/voice of reason duty by
Plus, there's the wee itty bitty matter of Heero's divorce to be handled.
So, we're back. To the luxury apartment Quatre rented for us. We're going
to have to do something about that - we can't live off the Q-man indefinitely.
But, for the moment… We're all…‘best friends' doesn't begin to describe
what we all are to each other. In a very real way, everything each of
us owns belongs to all of us. We'd give anything - including our lives
- for any of the others. When looked at that way, mooching a few months'
rent from one of the richest men alive doesn't seem like a big deal.
So here we are, in a lovely apartment one mile from Preventer Headquarters,
right next door to the apartment Quatre keeps as a cozy little luuuuv
nest where he can sneak off and be with the Wu-ster. Last night was our
first night here. Quatre transported the huge bed that we'd had on the
island here for us - and don't ask me how he managed to get it here, fully
made and assembled, before we arrived. Hundreds of trillions of credits
can accomplish a lot, I guess.
Anyway. We're here, together, in our bed…and it seems that Heero and Tro
didn't feel like sleeping in.
The sounds that first incorporated themselves into my dream seem to be
coming mainly from Trowa. He's lying on his back, his eyes tightly closed
and his hands fisted in the sheets. Heero is lying braced on one elbow
on his side farthest away from me, slowly trailing kisses down the column
of his neck, while his hand lightly brushes patterns over his chest and
torso, working slowly further down.
I stare, fascinated, as Heero gently nips the skin at the exact point
where Trowa's neck meets his shoulder. Trowa moans loudly, bending his
head to the side to give Heero better access. Trowa has some of the world's
weirdest erogenous zones.
Heero's breath suddenly lets out in a sharp hiss. I grin, giving up all
pretext of pretending to be asleep. They aren't focused on me. Trowa's
gotten into the game, and Heero moans as Trowa's long fingers slide delicately
but firmly up and over his arousal.
With a low groan of passion, Heero moves abruptly between Trowa's legs,
separating them in one smooth motion. Heero prepares Trowa quickly but
gently, the fingers of one hand soothingly stroking the slight swell of
one hip as he does so. Trowa moans louder, thrusting up toward Heero.
Heero bites his lip as he positions himself at Trowa's entrance, and takes
a firm grip on the other man's hips. He stops, though, before moving inside
"Trowa, look at me," he gasps.
Trowa slowly, almost painfully, forces his eyes open. I lick my lips as
I stare back and forth between them, noting the identical passion in the
deep blue eyes and the green. I am the luckiest person in the world for
a number of reasons, but how incredible is it that both the guys
I am with have such amazing eyes?
"Tell me…what you want…" Heero manages.
Trowa bites his lower lip, his hips lifting, trying to take Heero inside
him. "I want you, Heero," he whispers. "Please."
This is a little ritual we've adopted - trying to ensure that Trowa always
feels that he has control, that he isn't being forced into anything…To
keep him from feeling singled out and different, Heero and I ask each
other for permission too, and I have found it - the giving and surrendering
and taking of control - to be an incredible turn-on, from both sides.
Plus, it prolongs that last moment of anticipation just long enough so
that when it finally comes…
Heero and Trowa both cry out together as Heero surges slowly forward.
I watch them, my own breath growing shorter and shorter at the erotic
sight before me. Their bodies are so different - Heero is shorter but
wider, more compact and powerful-looking, his skin darkened by the sun.
Trowa's pale body is taller, leaner. His strength is obvious in the muscles
that are clearly visible across his chest and arms, but he is so flexible
you almost disregard them. Going to bed with an acrobat is definitely
a life-changing experience.
I watch them move faster and faster, until finally Trowa's body convulses
and he comes, shouting Heero's name. Heero joins him an instant later,
arching his neck and growling as he spills himself inside Trowa.
He always growls. It's so cute.
And he would so kill me if I told him it was ‘cute.'
Heero groans softly, gently pressing his lips to Trowa's as he collapses
to his side, reaching out and clasping Trowa's hand within his own.
Collapses to his side. The sight saddens me even as I smile at the contented
picture they make. You can't fall on Trowa anymore, can't cover
him with your body, feel your weight press him down into the bed, show
him that you're real and concrete and not going anywhere. Trowa gets spooked
if anyone looms over him too long, tenses up, obviously has to force himself
I hate it. Even at the most intimate of moments - while making love to
someone he loves deeply or in the tender time after the act - Trowa is
not entirely free. I hate that fucking bastard Barton. I wish I hadn't
had to kill him so quickly. I'd have liked to let each of those wounds
bleed a little while, let him feel himself dying and know that…
I force the thought away. That wouldn't have helped Trowa anyway. No use
dwelling over it now, especially since…
"So, you're awake."
Heero's voice is dry, making the words more of a statement than a question,
but there's an amused gleam deep in his eyes as he looks at me.
"I could hardly sleep through that," I reply, smirking at them.
Trowa turns his head slowly and gives me a small smile. I grin back, like
always - I love it when he smiles. He's been doing it more frequently
lately, and that more than anything else has given me the confidence to
believe that I'm doing the right thing.
"I'm surprised you didn't participate," he murmurs.
I wink at him. "I was…savoring the view."
"I see," Heero replies, his eyes flickering to my own neglected arousal.
Trowa glances at him, then back at me. Slowly, his shoulders visibly tensing,
he rolls on his side, his back to Heero, and motions toward me.
I crawl toward him, suppressing the frown that threatens. He's pushing
himself again. I know he is, but…
He glances over his shoulder and nudges Heero with his hip until the other
man presses against him, his chest against Trowa's back.
"Tro…" I begin hesitantly. He's still very leery when it comes to his
back. I don't want him to force himself to do something he isn't ready
"Shhh…" he orders. As I move closer he puts his hands on my shoulders,
turning me so that my back is to him. He pulls me into the curve of his
body, and I sigh happily. I can't make him move. It was his idea. All
I can do is enjoy this closeness…
Just as I'm moving into comfy mode, one of Trowa's long, slim legs hooks
over mine, and pulls it back. His hand, and then Heero's hand too, move
over my stomach, down….down between my legs…I groan at the dual onslaught,
and soon I'm not worrying about anything at all…
[part 2] [back to