Angst, sap and lemon within.  The characters are not mine, except in my twisted little dreams.  C&C is appreciated!!

by: Shoori

I Know Who I Want... + Part 1

I'm dreaming…dreaming about my lovers…feeling the smooth texture of their skin beneath my hands as I ghost my fingers up one hard-muscled chest and down another…swirling my tongue over tight, aroused nipples…I hear their breath come in shorter and shorter gasps…hear a soft moan tear from one of their throats…

And then the damn bed is jarred and I wake up. Damn it! I almost moan myself, refusing to open my eyes, wanting to go back into that dream, continue hearing those erotic noises…

Hey. I am still hearing those erotic noises.

It's hard, but I manage to keep myself from grinning like an idiot. I force myself to continue breathing slowly and deeply, and very slowly open my eyes, just the barest slit.

I didn't need to worry about interrupting them. They aren't paying any attention to me.

Still, I continue to feign sleep. It isn't often that I get to observe this - usually I'm part of the action.

Not that I'm complaining about that! But Heero and Trowa…well, Heero and Trowa have issues.

Heero is a lot more secure with me than he is with Trowa. He still carries a lot of guilt over what could have been. When we thought Trowa had been killed, and had gone to his death feeling rejected and betrayed by us…well, let's just say it wasn't a happy time for anyone. It certainly affected me…but I'm a lot better at letting go than Heero is. Kind of strange, since I was the one raised Catholic. And this may sound shallow, but I never felt as guilty about it as Heero did. Not that I didn't feel guilty! I did, and when Trowa left me, I had to bear that burden. But Heero…well, Heero raises guilt to an art form. Heero feels guilt very deeply, and has a horrible time getting rid of it. Remember the Noventa fiasco? I rest my case.

Heero thought - and still thinks - that he seduced me that first night. Puh-leeze. He was about seventeen sheets to the wind, had only ever been with Relena, making him…well, let's be nice and say a novice, and…c'mon, we're talking me here. I'm not exactly the type to be swept willy-nilly off my feet. I was having sex before Heero knew that his dong had more than one function.

But Heero believed - and still believes, despite everything that's happened since - that he single-handedly destroyed what Trowa and I had, and it was only salvaged through sheer luck. I think that Heero still believes that he was forgiven too easily - that Trowa accepted his apology and granted his love too readily. In his own little mind, Heero is certain that he didn't have to suffer enough for his guilt to be truly expiated.

So, despite the full year that has elapsed since the end of the war, Heero has still not recovered himself - he's still a little tentative, a little unsure, not quite the Heero Yuy we all know and love. Not yet.

And Trowa…Sometimes I worry that we - 'fess up, Maxwell - that I rushed Trowa a little too fast. I mean, at the beginning, when we were still in space, he had to be rushed. Trowa is more stubborn than you can possibly imagine. If I'd left him considerately alone, given him time to think and sort out and ponder he'd have decided that our relationship had always been fraudulent, that Heero and I were lying to him and ourselves when we assured him that we wanted him too, and - most damaging - would have decided that he himself was irreparably soiled, and unfit of receiving love from anyone. We would have lost him, then, forever. He would have left, and there would have been no getting him back, even if I'd tried my whole life. Which I would have.

So, in order to save him from a life of stoic loneliness and to save myself from going slowly mad from chasing bonehead boy around the universe, I had to push him to admit his feelings and accept ours.

But once we got to our island paradise, where we stayed a full year courtesy of the Winner heir… Well, I continued being pushy. I did what I honestly thought I had to - I made him be near us, made him open up and talk to us and accept us. He didn't want to, and God how he fought it…He was downright mean more than once, which was something I'd never seen from Trowa before. But it was a stage he had to go through - he had to let his anger out, and he had to lash out at us first, because we were there and available and safe. But it hurt him to feel it - and it hurt me to make him feel it. But he had to know that whatever happened - whatever he did or said or told us - we would never, ever leave him.

Once he got past that stage, he acceded to my demands - like he always has. Thinking about it, over the course of our entire relationship, even before it all blew up in our faces, Trowa has almost never refused me anything. It worries me a little. I don't want to fall back in those old patterns of dominant and submissive. And I'm not talking about sex, here - he was on top plenty of times. But I wanted - and want - him to know that it's safe to argue with me, safe to disagree, to demand his way once in a while…and I'm still not sure that he - or Heero for that matter - really believes that.

I guess even a year together isn't really enough time to completely work through and solve every issue, even though it seems like it should be. Impatient? Who, me? It just seems to me that if it only takes nine months to create an entire person - which is an event which our happy little threesome is fortunately safe from - a year should be plenty of time to fix a couple people.

But I know it's not. It took us all more than twenty years to develop our doubts and uncertainties; they won't go away in twelve short months. It's just hard for me to be so constantly on guard - to watch for all the nuances, weigh the possibilities of every decision and remark and action…I keep worrying that I'll screw up and the consequences…well, the consequences would be awful.

Case in point. Almost four months ago, Trowa announced he was ready and had sex with us. And I was thrilled. It was - and is, and has been - wonderful. But was he really ready, or was he pushing himself to please us? It had been six months since we arrived on the island, eight months since he had escaped from Barton, and everything I'd read pointed toward that being within average parameters for victims of sexual abuse to resume normal sexual activity. But Trowa's never been average. But is he above-average, which would have indicated that he was and even had been ready, or were his circumstances coupled with his background more severe than average, indicating he really needed more time? So did we do him harm by accepting his evaluation at face value and sleeping with him? Was he testing us, and did we violate a trust? Or, if I had expressed my doubts, would he have taken it as a rejection and cut himself off from us, again and forever?

It doesn't really make me feel any better to realize that the correct answer is probably: all of the above.

So, anyway, to sum all this up: Heero and Trowa have issues. These issues have made them kind of unsure with each other. It's gotten a lot better, but still manifests itself most obviously in bed. Not that it's probably obvious to them. But I've noticed that neither of them really initiates sex with the other. If I guide them to each other - subtly, without seeming to be doing so - they are more than willing to be with each other. Willing, ready, enthusiastic, anxious…you get my point. But almost never will Heero approach Trowa, or vice versa.

This morning seems to be a decided exception to that rule, though. Maybe coming home is a good thing.

Yes, we've left our island. As wonderful as it was, as magical and private and healing a place as it had become for us, we couldn't stay there forever. One of Quatre's rare messages came through, and indicated that we are needed in Sanc. The restructuring of the Preventers is not going that well, and the heroes of the Gundam Wars, the Eve Wars, and the latest little debacle which I don't know the name of yet, would be handy in helping to sort out the problem.

I would say let them all go to hell in a handbasket - actually, I'd probably say something stronger - but when they did guess who'd have to go fetch them back? Besides, I kind of got the impression that Quatre and Wu are getting a little worn down doing hero/diplomat/voice of reason duty by themselves.

Plus, there's the wee itty bitty matter of Heero's divorce to be handled.

So, we're back. To the luxury apartment Quatre rented for us. We're going to have to do something about that - we can't live off the Q-man indefinitely. But, for the moment… We're all…‘best friends' doesn't begin to describe what we all are to each other. In a very real way, everything each of us owns belongs to all of us. We'd give anything - including our lives - for any of the others. When looked at that way, mooching a few months' rent from one of the richest men alive doesn't seem like a big deal.

So here we are, in a lovely apartment one mile from Preventer Headquarters, right next door to the apartment Quatre keeps as a cozy little luuuuv nest where he can sneak off and be with the Wu-ster. Last night was our first night here. Quatre transported the huge bed that we'd had on the island here for us - and don't ask me how he managed to get it here, fully made and assembled, before we arrived. Hundreds of trillions of credits can accomplish a lot, I guess.

Anyway. We're here, together, in our bed…and it seems that Heero and Tro didn't feel like sleeping in.

The sounds that first incorporated themselves into my dream seem to be coming mainly from Trowa. He's lying on his back, his eyes tightly closed and his hands fisted in the sheets. Heero is lying braced on one elbow on his side farthest away from me, slowly trailing kisses down the column of his neck, while his hand lightly brushes patterns over his chest and torso, working slowly further down.

I stare, fascinated, as Heero gently nips the skin at the exact point where Trowa's neck meets his shoulder. Trowa moans loudly, bending his head to the side to give Heero better access. Trowa has some of the world's weirdest erogenous zones.

Heero's breath suddenly lets out in a sharp hiss. I grin, giving up all pretext of pretending to be asleep. They aren't focused on me. Trowa's gotten into the game, and Heero moans as Trowa's long fingers slide delicately but firmly up and over his arousal.

With a low groan of passion, Heero moves abruptly between Trowa's legs, separating them in one smooth motion. Heero prepares Trowa quickly but gently, the fingers of one hand soothingly stroking the slight swell of one hip as he does so. Trowa moans louder, thrusting up toward Heero.

Heero bites his lip as he positions himself at Trowa's entrance, and takes a firm grip on the other man's hips. He stops, though, before moving inside him.

"Trowa, look at me," he gasps.

Trowa slowly, almost painfully, forces his eyes open. I lick my lips as I stare back and forth between them, noting the identical passion in the deep blue eyes and the green. I am the luckiest person in the world for a number of reasons, but how incredible is it that both the guys I am with have such amazing eyes?

"Tell me…what you want…" Heero manages.

Trowa bites his lower lip, his hips lifting, trying to take Heero inside him. "I want you, Heero," he whispers. "Please."

This is a little ritual we've adopted - trying to ensure that Trowa always feels that he has control, that he isn't being forced into anything…To keep him from feeling singled out and different, Heero and I ask each other for permission too, and I have found it - the giving and surrendering and taking of control - to be an incredible turn-on, from both sides. Plus, it prolongs that last moment of anticipation just long enough so that when it finally comes…

Heero and Trowa both cry out together as Heero surges slowly forward. I watch them, my own breath growing shorter and shorter at the erotic sight before me. Their bodies are so different - Heero is shorter but wider, more compact and powerful-looking, his skin darkened by the sun. Trowa's pale body is taller, leaner. His strength is obvious in the muscles that are clearly visible across his chest and arms, but he is so flexible you almost disregard them. Going to bed with an acrobat is definitely a life-changing experience.

I watch them move faster and faster, until finally Trowa's body convulses and he comes, shouting Heero's name. Heero joins him an instant later, arching his neck and growling as he spills himself inside Trowa.

He always growls. It's so cute.

And he would so kill me if I told him it was ‘cute.'

Heero groans softly, gently pressing his lips to Trowa's as he collapses to his side, reaching out and clasping Trowa's hand within his own.

Collapses to his side. The sight saddens me even as I smile at the contented picture they make. You can't fall on Trowa anymore, can't cover him with your body, feel your weight press him down into the bed, show him that you're real and concrete and not going anywhere. Trowa gets spooked if anyone looms over him too long, tenses up, obviously has to force himself to continue.

I hate it. Even at the most intimate of moments - while making love to someone he loves deeply or in the tender time after the act - Trowa is not entirely free. I hate that fucking bastard Barton. I wish I hadn't had to kill him so quickly. I'd have liked to let each of those wounds bleed a little while, let him feel himself dying and know that…

I force the thought away. That wouldn't have helped Trowa anyway. No use dwelling over it now, especially since…

"So, you're awake."

Heero's voice is dry, making the words more of a statement than a question, but there's an amused gleam deep in his eyes as he looks at me.

"I could hardly sleep through that," I reply, smirking at them.

Trowa turns his head slowly and gives me a small smile. I grin back, like always - I love it when he smiles. He's been doing it more frequently lately, and that more than anything else has given me the confidence to believe that I'm doing the right thing.

"I'm surprised you didn't participate," he murmurs.

I wink at him. "I was…savoring the view."

"I see," Heero replies, his eyes flickering to my own neglected arousal.

Trowa glances at him, then back at me. Slowly, his shoulders visibly tensing, he rolls on his side, his back to Heero, and motions toward me.

I crawl toward him, suppressing the frown that threatens. He's pushing himself again. I know he is, but…

He glances over his shoulder and nudges Heero with his hip until the other man presses against him, his chest against Trowa's back.

"Tro…" I begin hesitantly. He's still very leery when it comes to his back. I don't want him to force himself to do something he isn't ready to do.

"Shhh…" he orders. As I move closer he puts his hands on my shoulders, turning me so that my back is to him. He pulls me into the curve of his body, and I sigh happily. I can't make him move. It was his idea. All I can do is enjoy this closeness…

Just as I'm moving into comfy mode, one of Trowa's long, slim legs hooks over mine, and pulls it back. His hand, and then Heero's hand too, move over my stomach, down….down between my legs…I groan at the dual onslaught, and soon I'm not worrying about anything at all…

[part 2] [back to Shoori's fic]