Title: Abuse This 11/?
Author: Sita Seraph
Genre: Dark Angst
Pairing: 1x2, 2x2, 3x2, 2x4/4x2, 5x2
Rated: R ­ NC-17
Warning: Willing rape (you´ll get it later on), lemons, swearing, abused/bastardized Duo-chan
Note: Because I'm stupid and I want things to go my way, I'm changing the script people! Hell yeah, yes I am! In order of significant importance: Wufei confronts Trieze, Heero destroys the shuttle with all those peace-loving Ozzies (yeahuh), Quatre tries to kill Trowa, Trowa loses memory! YIPEE! Some pieces are also based on the manga so watch out!
Started: May 4th, 2003
1st Draft Finished: June 15th, 2003
and finally being posted: April 30 or May 1st 2004

Abuse This + Part 11

I'll save you from all the boring details of my waking besides this: I had a headache; I was on the couch. And... uh, Heero? Yeah, Heero, must have still been asleep. He must've dropped my unconscious body on the couch and had taken the bed, which must have been in a separate room. I tightened my lips slightly at that thought. Jerk. The least he could have done was give me the bed. I was the guest after all. I sighed and let it go, too exhausted from yesterday to hold up one thought for too long. Half of that night was blurry though; mostly the whole episode of Heero picking me up. It hurt to think, so I just closed my eyes and tried to will myself back to sleep... but an insistent beeping from across the room kept my sluggish brain awake. Peeking an eye open, I glared at Heero's laptop. Does that boy bring that thing everywhere he goes?! Huffing in irritation, I thought about finding the nearest super glue and strapping that thing forever more on the desk it sat on. But I was too lazy to move from my position. Even though the beeping noise was beginning to really get to me. A lot.

Stop it, I thought, glaring at the piece of technology.

It beeped happily on.

I considered my options. I could sacrifice the pillow I had and throw it at the computer and HOPE my aim was good enough to knock the bloody thing to the floor. Or I could get up and shut it off myself. But that would mean staying up because once I made that special effort I would no longer be tired to return to my haven of couch fluffiness. Of all the days, Heero just had to leave that thing on and running. I sighed again, squinting my eyes shut.

The computer blissfully beeped on.

Sighing again and resigning myself to fate, I threw back the blanket with my legs, crawled out of bed, and dragged myself to the computer. Slumping on the chair, I wiggled the mouse and the laptop sparked to life excitedly. I squinted at all the things on the screen and realized they were all e-mails, all open for prying eyes to see. Curious beyond belief, I noticed some were from Quatre. Popping a thumb in my mouth and slowly chewing on its nail, I glanced over my shoulder to see if Heero had stirred from bed yet. There was no sign, of course. He'd kill me if he saw me snooping around in his e-mail. But he also shouldn't have left it open like that for me to peek at! Resigning with a dutiful right to do what I pleased, even though I regarded Heero's trust and privacy to do so, I turned back to the screen and curled my legs up on the chair. Some were from Quatre, as you know, requesting Heero's assistance to search the city for me and some were about my condition at the hospital, dating a few days back. I clicked out of them, annoyed that Quatre hounded Heero so with 20 e-mails just to look for my stupid hide. I wondered although if he was still looking for me or if Heero got a hold of him after he knocked me out. To my glee and my disappointment, there was nothing about Trowa in the e-mails. I was curious to know just what happened after I ran away. Did they continue to duke it out or had Quatre run after me, leaving Trowa in the dust?

I really hoped for the latter. Take that, you spying bastard.

I was surprised though, when I got through the thick weed of e-mails, that there were some from Dr. J and Professor G. Hadn't those guys died yet? I paused before opening them, thinking about the last time I had talked to them. Hadn't it been during the war still? When was the last time that I even saw G face to face? I looked over my shoulder again then gave up my abused nail to play with a strand of loose hair as I turned back around. I still didn't care for them overly much. They were crazy, all of them. Without another thought, I opened the first one.

To: 01

From: J

Message: Have you found 02 yet? It's important that you find him immediately, 01. He is very unstable.

I stopped stroking my hair across my cheek, eyes narrowing in suspicion. Unstable? What would he know about me being unstable?

To: 01

From: G

Message: There's something you must know about 02, 01. Reply immediately.

Well, aren't they a caring bunch of coconuts? I snorted before dropping my strand of hair and rubbing my hands over my bare legs. I pushed the ‘reply' button angrily with the mouse a second later and moved my hands to the keyboard. If there was something important to know about me, shouldn't I know too?

To: G and J

From: 01

Message: 02 is in custody. What should I know about him?

Brooding with curiosity, I punched the ‘send' button.

My reply came back two minutes later.


I was mortified later, that even though I was in a heavy state of shock, I couldn't help the tears tracking my face. I tried to stop them when I was running down the hall, but that only encouraged them. I tried wiping them away from my face while I was hotwiring Heero's car, but they just replaced themselves while I was driving. I tried to think of something else while I sat at stoplights, but that just made me think about them more. Even music couldn't drown out what I knew now. What I didn't want to know. But I had every right to.

At first, I didn't know where I was going. I just kept heading straight, sometimes taking turns when I had to, and continued to run away. But no matter how hard I pushed on the gas pedal, it was there. No matter how loud I blasted the stereo ­ it was there. Even if I refused to look in my rearview mirrors, the truth was there and smiling at me in the colors of white and red.

I eventually got some hold on myself and directed my stolen car towards the cabin outside the city. I had to get my things and run ­ run away from everyone and everything I knew. I had to start over. Disappear and begin all over again. It was the only way ­ had to be the only way. I would let go of all of them and of everything I knew. I had to. You know why I had to? Why I had to erase everything and run so far away?

Because everything I knew, thought I knew ­ they were nothing but lies.

Yes. That included my love for Quatre.

I drove quietly up to the cabin, instead of rushing there in a frenzy. I looked around for any recognizable cars or anything of transportation. When I was sure that no one seemed to be around or in the house, I slowly cut the engine and pulled the car into park. Clicking open my door cautiously, I stepped onto the gravel and walked gravely to the cabin. I kept my eyes casted to the ground, wiping my eyes slightly because they seemed gritty and old. I thought back to the last couple of days as I climbed the stairs and realized just how twisted everything was in my reality. Although it seemed like ages ago, I remembered quite clearly my anger and thirst for revenge as I lay immobile on my hospital bed. How I changed from that to a lovesick puppy all over again as soon as I saw an opening into Quatre's life again, that blank spot by his side where Trowa had vacated because I happened to say some crafty and poetic words. From that to being beaten up, shocked, and running away with a head full of questions that I didn't, at that time, know the answers to.

I do now, I snorted half-heartedly, and opened the door, walking inside.

So, instead, I had gotten myself drunk and threw myself into a pile of horny teenagers and perverts ­ what had I been thinking then? Here I was, asexual as day, and then wanting to throw myself into a huge orgy fest.

I knew the answers to that too.

Then I had stumbled around and Heero had just happened to find me. I had yelled at him and forgot myself and... I remember hitting him and...

//”Everything I said was just a bunch of bullshit!”//

//"Is-Is that what you think of me? Just some... some lay?"//

Isn't that what you always thought I was, Heero? I thought, holding one of my sore temples and trailing my limp hand along the banister as I walked up the stairs. Or maybe I was wrong. Maybe he always did think more highly of me and I just...

God, I was just so confused...

How could I trust what was in my head? How could anyone? Did I twist everything around and make it all seem like I was the one that had been wronged somehow? Or did all the things I thought I witnessed, felt, and went though ­ were those things real? How could I trust myself when I seemed to be so lost now? How could I trust the images in my head that surrounded me? Trust the yells and the words echoing in my ears? Trust my past, my present, and my assumptions of the near-future?

Would you trust me?

I looked in the mirror now and all I saw was uncertainty. Before, I was confident with myself, with the decisions that I made. I didn't have any doubts where the scars on my body had come from. I didn't worry that the pain I felt inside wasn't real. But now... I don't know. Did they really treat me that bad? Or did my mind make me think they did? That's the trick about your head, you see. About first person point of view. How could you be sure that you just switched the meaning wrong out of a select section of words? That you twisted it up until it was insulting when it could actually be... complimentary.

No! I shook my head violently, leaning heavily against the doorframe of my room. I couldn't have imagined all of it... not all of it. I had to start thinking about before... before Oz captured me. Could I recall that time, so long ago? It had to begin... begin...

It began when the war started getting worse. Worse on us, it seemed. Heero was to the point of stalking family members of the men he had killed and asking them to kill him. It was then the doctors finally decided to step in and it came in a little red and white pill.

Which they had given... to me.

Suddenly and without warning, my legs gave out underneath me and I sank to the floorboards, staring across the room. I remembered now. I remembered and I realized. I realized the final answer to the question I had been asking.

Yes. The answer was yes. Yes, Duo. Yes, it is your entire fault.

I fisted my heads in my hair and quelled the urge to scream my head off.


[part 10] [part 12] [back to Singles l - z]