Author: Sita Seraph
Genre: Dark Angst
Pairing: 1x2, 2x2, 3x2, 2x4/4x2, 5x2
Rated: R
Warning: Willing rape (you?ll get it later on), lemons, swearing, abused Duo-chan, and probably not a happy ending. I don?t know yet.

Abuse This + Part 1

I hated the war. It was nothing but bad memories. So what, you say? Wars are supposed to bring bad memories. But it wasn't the guns, the blood, or the pain as you sewed your own wounds together. Honestly, compared to most things, that wasn't so bad. I enjoyed almost all of that. In my cockpit, I was my own person; I was the God of Death. No one could touch me. Not if you didn't want your head cut off with a mega-big, glowing green scythe. In my cockpit, I was the one in total control. I could be myself and no one ever gave a fuck, let alone noticed. I owned everything that sat in that little cubbyhole. I owned my mind, my body, the controls, and what was left of my petty soul.

But outside the cockpit was another story.

I was some joker outside. A fake, really. My little buddies aka Gundam pilots were such a depressing group. I mean, someone had to lighten things up, didn't they? So I did that. I pretended to be that light. But during the process, I made some stupid mistakes... and I wound up in bed with each and every one of them.

I was just some fuck buddy in the end, wasn't I? I relieved all the tension, all the stress with my body. Instead of being their Joker, I turned out to be like some sort of slut or whore. I thought I was doing a good thing. I guess I was, in some sense. Heero took his anger out on me. Wufei looked for some sort of light to guide him and used me as his beacon light. Quatre searched for warmth in my arms. And Trowa found some sort of support through screwing my brains out. They had all survived in the end. Their stress, their anger, their weakness, and their frustration melted away with me.

But now that the war was over, I wasn't needed anymore. Because of me, Trowa was able to freely love Quatre without worrying about his enemy knowing his true desire. Because of me, Wufei and Heero were able to protect what they wanted, their anger and frustration completely under control now that the stress of the war on had been lifted from their shoulders. So that left me, alone, once again, in my tiny little apartment building. My slut-full purposes were fulfilled and I couldn't help but think that WAS my purpose. I was trained to be graceful so no one could hear me. But that grace brought the deadly device of seduction into my hand. I was trained to take such dirty games into my hands and use them for my own purposes. And without knowing it, I had seduced my own partners. First Heero, when he came home irritated and hurt from battle. Then Wufei, when he started to doubt himself and how worthy he was for fighting in this war. Quatre came next, this misery of 'killing' Trowa eating at him like hawks and road kill. And finally, Trowa, with his memory all shot and confusion reigned supreme. All of them, I was there for them when they needed it most. But it still didn't matter. I still was the one to end up hurt.

I was the one that ended up alone. I was the one that regretted falling for all of my comrades. I was the one who ended up being forgotten. I knew my existence couldn't have mattered so much that only my body was needed. If that was so, why didn't the doctor just punch out my mind and soul so I was just some walking, talking cumbucket? It would have been nice... but the doctor just wasn't that sweet to me.

It's kind of funny. Ever since the war ended, I haven't had one sexual urge or hentai thought. It was like I was suddenly brain dead in that department. Someone had turned off the switch to my hormones or something. Like, I didn't even FEEL like having sex. The thought... kind of disgusted me somehow. Just imagining myself naked with some guy, or girl for that matter, make me sorta sick, you know? I think there's a word for that when a guy or girl can no longer imagine having sex. But I don't really remember it now.

I just know that I never wanted to have a sex again. Ever. My TV dinner has gotten cold while I reminisced. Hn. I playfully poked the dead and cold meat, swishing it over to my frozen vegetables. Oh well. I didn't even feel like eating anyway. Just a nice, cold beer would do nicely right now. But I had to go to the store and get one, since I ran out last night. And I didn't want to get up. So I guess I would just have to suffer. Like the last nine months.

Sighing, I dropped my once warm dinner to the floor and threw myself against the couch. I had nothing to do with my life. I was just on automatic now. Get up, shower, eat, work, come home, eat while watching TV, bed. Whoopie. Who would have imagined that an energetic person like me suddenly lost all the energy to just get out of bed everyday? I probably had some sort of depression or withdrawal. But I knew everything about that stuff because I was in seriously bad condition after Sister Helen and Father Maxwell. I knew what depression felt like. And this wasn't half as bad as it could be. And if got any worse, hey, I knew where to run. Anti-depressants. I'm not a total idiot you know.

My phone was ringing. Grunting, I drew a hand behind me and dug out the phone from the cushion. Clicking the phone on, I put it to my ear lazily.

"Yeah?"

"Konnichiwa, Duo-chan!" Quatre's beaming, happy voice screamed through the telephone. I mentally winced. It sounded like he was having a great time...

"Konnichiwa," I answered half-heartily, settling myself into the lumpy cushion.

"How are you?" Quatre asked. Hm, well, jeez, Quatre, I thought. How would YOU feel if I was engaged to Trowa and getting married tomorrow? Hmmmm?

"Peachy," I answered instead. I started counting the water stains on my ceiling... One... Two...

"Duo? Are you okay?"

"Just sleepy, Quatre."

"Oh I'm sorry! I just wanted to make sure you were coming tomorrow. You were supposed to be here two weeks ago."

"Yeah."

"So you're coming?"

"Yeah."

"Great!"

"Yeah."

"Duo?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't sound well. Are you all right?"

"I'm tired, Quatre. I'm going back to bed."

I think what I said was kind of rude. Okay, so maybe it was. But I just couldn't stand how happy Quatre sounded any longer. I couldn't stand my heavy dropping eyelids, as I quickly grew bored of this pointless conversation. He only wanted to make sure the God of Death would come to his beautiful day. He wanted to make sure it made the head papers with 'The Gundam Pilots Reunion; Beautiful Yaoi Couple Unite'. It wouldn't be a reunion if his old fuck buddy didn't come, now would it? I was suddenly filled with deep remorse and I quickly clicked the phone off. I was so disgusted with everything. About how I was used. About how I let myself be used. About how nobody seemed to care. I hated my filthy body more each day. I hated all the Gundam pilots for turning me into a little male cunt. But I knew that I loved them all as well, because I was a brainless baka. And if I went to that damn wedding, I would probably wind up doing more then crying in sorrow at the end. I'd definitely be taking anti-depressants through the rest of my miserable life. I couldn't go to that wedding. I refused to.

+

"Duo no baka! Open this door right now!"

I groaned softly into my little pillow, willing away the pounding coming from my door. It sounded like my landlady, screaming and hollering for me to pay my rent. Why this early in the morning though? Leave me alone, you ol' bitch --

"NOW, DUO!"

Suddenly, sleep was a very profound thing. I jerked up, free from my couch and twisted around towards my shaking door. Somebody was pounding on it like no tomorrow. Wiping sleep from my eyes, I yawned quietly before calling back.

"Duo no here!" I called in my sweet house cleaner voice that speaks no English. "Come back 'nother time, sir!"

"Duo, if you don't open this door right now... "

Heero. Oh shit, HEERO was here. Why was he here? The wedding? No! Go away! I never want to see any of you guys ever again! Leave me alone!

"Go away!" I screamed back at my door, no longer pretending to be my poor accented housecleaner. Getting my gun might have been a good idea right about then... but who could move fast enough when suddenly Heero kicked open the door? Certainly not I.

Oh, yes, I was fresh meat. Desperately, I clung onto my couch and hoped I would do some sort of chameleon act and just blend in. I could hear Heero move into my house, across the broken door, and stop. I closed my eyes tightly against the cushion and prayed to Shinigami to disappear. But I think his voice machine was broken because suddenly Heero had snagged my braid and dragged me off the couch. I cursed loudly, opening my eyes to furiously glare at equally pissed off blue eyes.

"Leggo, Heero!" I yelled, turning my head from side to side, trying to loosen his grip. But the damn boy just wouldn't have it and he tugged harder, spikes of pain going down my neck. I held still like a good little boy, knowing it was useless to break free when Heero looked so pissed.

"Where. Were. You?" Heero ground out, eyes like chips of ice.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, biting my inner lip to hold back my fist from flying at that handsome face. I wished I could just scar it so its perfection would be completely ruined...

"The wedding!" Heero yelled and he pulled on my braid again. I cried out helplessly.

"Heero, stop it!" I screamed. "That hurts!!"

"I know it hurts, baka!" Heero said. "And Quatre held off the wedding just because of you and your air-headedness! What were you doing!?"

"Sleeping!" I screamed out. I had this unbelievable urge just to throw up my leg and kick that son of bitch out of my house.

"Heero, leave him alone," someone said. I looked over quickly back to my broken doorway, watching as Quatre and Trowa walked in. Trowa, of course, was wearing his black tux and Quatre a white one. He... looked so cute in white. I couldn't help it. He almost glowed in ashen, seeming surreal and Trowa was just equally handsome with such a black color on him...

Heero released me a moment later and tiredly, I slumped all the way to the floor. I held the back of my head that was tingling with pin needles of pain, cursing mentally. I could hear yet a second form, Wufei most likely, enter my once clean home. God, why didn't they just leave me alone?

"Duo, are you okay?" Quatre asked. He was kneeling right next to me, brushing those... beautiful... fingers across my forehead. I could literally feel my heart clench and I twisted my head quickly away from the fingers I had grown to know so well. I knew Quatre was hurt when I refused his touch, for I never had before. Yeah, we're just best buds, ne, Quatre? Buds with privileges.

"Fine," I grounded out and rolled over, crawling to my feet. I felt the brush of Quatre's fingers trying to help me but I quickly stumbled away from them yet again. I opened my eyes to see Quatre's pained expression and I was twisted between the emotions of glee and sadness. As much as I wanted Quatre to feel some of MY betrayal, the pained expression just did not suit my Arabian pilot. I sighed.

"Sorry 'bout the weddin', Quatre," I mumbled quietly, still rubbing the back of my head. I felt a headache quickly coming on. "My alarm clock just didn't go off this morning... "

"Hey, its okay," Quatre waved aside, a small smile playing on his lips. "Forgive and forget, right?"

Hmm... Easy... So easy for you to forget Quatre... all of you, it was just a little too easy.

"Yeah," I agreed nonetheless. "So when's the next date?"

As Quatre began rattling off, I realized just how out of character I must have been acting. Which is okay, I guess. I haven't been able to play the joker for a long time now. I just couldn't bring myself to care, since they wouldn't even notice in the end, would they? I mean, hell, they didn't even know that they... all had me. They thought they were the only ones my little body belonged to... Hah. I wondered how big of a nosebleed Wufei would get if he heard of Trowa screwing me on the kitchen table or Heero pounding me into the chair of the Wing cockpit. Funny, usually those thoughts would turn me on... but I didn't feel anything for them now. Heh, maybe they were losing their touch.

Slowly, the ringing of my phone brought me out of my own haven of thoughts. With Quatre still talking, I walked over to the couch and picked up the cordless phone from where I dumped it last night. Clicking it back on, I brought it to my ear and shoulder, while my other hand motioned for Quatre to be silent. That's funny; usually I'm the one that has to be forced to shut the fuck up. Hahaha... Well, I guess Quatre was just a wee bit excited, don't you think? "Yeah?" I grunted into the phone, picking up and folding the blanket that had fallen off the headboard of the couch. At the moment, I would have given everything, even breaking my leg, from stopping myself from answering that damn telephone.

"Hi! My name is Cidney -- "

Maybe breaking my leg would have gotten me out of the wedding too --

"And I'm calling on behalf of Freedom Wireless -- "

Oh, son of a bitch. These guys had called THREE times in the past two days!!

"The largest growing community of -- "

Well, at least I could take my fury out on someone.

"Hi," I said back cheerfully, my joker friend slipping on my face and voice with perfect ease. "My name is Duo Maxwell and I've answered this phone on the behalf of hoping it was someone important. Unfortunately it isn't since I don't know a Cidney from my long, miserable life. But, if you want to make idle chitchat, I live alone, I'm gay, and I just got the shit beatin' out of me from an ex-Gundam pilot because I didn't answer the door in time. I was just recently in a march for 'I don't give a fuck what you're selling me' with a whole bunch of other people that would like to kick your ass if you ever call them again. It was nice talking to you, but I have to go take a shit right now so how about we talk some more later? Okay? Okay, bye bye."

Feeling incredibly proud at my long monologue and beautiful use of vocabulary, I shut off the phone and to the woman sputtering in outrage on the other end. Sighing, I felt a lot better, like I just took Yoga or some shit. Now I wouldn't have to blow up on Heero and get my braid cut off in the process. Turning around, I was immediately attacked by wide, unbelievable eyes. Wufei looked like he was fighting to control himself from yelling at me or calmly walking out the door. Quatre looked like he saw a ghost... or a seriously pissed off Duo Maxwell, whichever came first, and it frightened the little poop out of him to know that little Duo wasn't as cheerful as he let on. Poor baby. Trowa and Heero... Well, yeah, they looked like Trowa and Heero.

"Sales pitch," I explained innocently, pointing at the phone.

Silence met my reply. Damnit, I hated these people.

"I'm taking a shower now," I said grumpily, my good humor lost with my moment of self-pride. "And Heero, you owe me a fucking new door."

Quatre started stuttering from my bad language right before I shut the door to the bathroom. Now, as I leaned my body against the pathetic excuse of wood, I wished harder then ever that they would just go away and leave me to wallow in the past.

+

[part 2] [back to the Singles page]