Genre: Dark Angst
Pairing: 1x2, 2x2, 3x2, 2x4/4x2, 5x2
Summary: The war can do damage. But friends can do worse. And Duo has
found out the hard way. After giving up his very body to the soldiers
of the Gundams, Duo is left with only one choice: Revenge. Cold-blooded
Warning: Bastardized Duo since part Eight, willing rape, lemons, swearing,
Note: An hour off from my deadline. Whoops. ^^; Life shall go on. Umm…enjoy.
I know it's been awhile and…well, I don't feel like saying anything. Dedication
to Blue Lightning for helping me out, as always. Tell me if this part
needs any work, blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth…can you tell I just
want you guys to read it already!? Ignore me. Move forward. *clickydeeclick!*
This + Part 10
Of all the things, I wanted
to stop thinking. So many thoughts were swirling in my head and I couldn't
control any of them, not a single one. They were fleeting and distant
then smashing against me so hard that I lost my breath. I was surrounded
by memories and shattered plans. I didn't know where to pick myself up
again. I didn't know if I should give up. If I should just bow my head,
shrug my shoulders, and just plain give up. I didn't want to. I wanted
the suffering to stop. I wanted the pain to stop. The pain that I had
kept inside for so long. It was ripping me apart, you see. The pain was
so bad that I could feel my heart stop beating for a couple of seconds.
The pain so rough that it was tearing my sanity into shreds, piece by
piece there was barely anything left. This misery was killing me. It
was making my blood run cold I was always so cold. It was making me
throw up everything I put down I was so hungry and dizzy. It was making
me cry and tremble, soft silent tears that plummeted off my quivering
jaw it didn't help the pain stop. My heart was pounding so hard - so
hard that it hurt. The angry throb carried up from my chest into my lungs
and out my lips. I wanted the pain to stop! I wanted to stop feeling like
There was only one way for that to happen too.
But I didn't know if I could do it anymore.
I wanted to share this pain. Give it to someone else. Take apiece out
from my hissing flesh and shove it down someone's throat. Then that piece,
that memory, wouldn't bother me anymore. Because they would have it. They
would have to hold it inside them for two years. I wouldn't. I wouldn't
have the burden anymore. I wouldn't have your guilt, Wufei. I would not
have your mistakes, Trowa. I wouldn't have your stolen life, Heero. I…I
I would not have your love, Quatre.
Because, you see, they gave me these things. Handed them over with a pleasant
smile or maybe punched them right into my mouth. However it happened,
they gave me these things to harbor and hold within, until I wanted to
scream for murder…for someone to kill me. When they gave me these things,
no longer would THEY have to worry about it. Wufei's guilt from the battlefield
would no longer haunt his dreams, shadow his future mistakes. He would
be able to move on with life and I would hold all that inside and try
to deal with them, deal with them the way Wufei could not. For Wufei could
never forgive himself over the lose of his wife. He was guilty of the
fact that he could not protect her and that he was too weak. Every move
he made then, back in the war, always lead to that feeling of worthlessness
of being weak. And thus, the chain of guilt would thrive again and he
would succumb to it until he was, indeed, a useless soldier. It was then
that he found me, and with this his guilt was emptied into my head and
Then there was Trowa. All the mistakes Trowa had made before and with
me, he held against me. But I just couldn't see why any longer. Why hold
those errors against the person who embraced them and pined them down
under their pulsing flesh? Why blame me when I helped him escape from
them? Because he was angry. Trowa might have fooled everyone into being
calm and secluded but in fact, he was always so angry and lost. The
mistakes he made in the past had led him to this point where he could
hardly take it anymore. He needed relief, someone to help him forget.
I was there, but at the wrong time. For I became a mistake as well and
he holds everything in his past against me. Who he was truly looking for
was, in fact, Quatre.
Heero. Why make up for a childhood lost by indulging into a street rat
like me, Heero? What do I know about childhood? All I knew was lies and
survival. All I knew was to keep fighting and making sacrifices whether
it be food or sex. Why did Heero choose me to pour all his sorrows in,
all his hate for not having a simple and normal childhood? I had no one
to blame for the way I was brought up I could blame it on OZ, I could
blame it on my parents, or I could blame it on myself. But I didn't. Heero
blamed it on everyone. All he ever wanted was normalcy. But he couldn't
have that. His childhood was completely ruined simply by his strength.
For even though he might, at one time or another, had something ‘normal'
with me, his strength and his hatred for those around him the ones he
blamed for his upbringing ruined it all the very moment he struck me.
All I became after that was the vent for all his ruined dreams, because
he knew that even if he did survive this war, he would never, ever be
I closed my eyes, sniffling, and rubbed angrily at the tears soaking my
cheeks. I wanted to return everything they gave to me. A lost childhood.
A guilty secret hidden under all the battle scars. Mistakes made when
only a child, when he was a mercenary of whom had no real choice. It
was only proper. To give them back what was due. I felt like a bank. I
stored their pain, their emotions, and stolen items. Now I was giving
them their tax return. Every ounce of it.
There was nothing I could give back to Quatre.
For all that Quatre gave me was smiles, warmth, and love. And none of
these things could ever be given back in their full strength for rest
of my life.
I wanted to stop thinking about it all. I wanted to forget, for just a
little while my mistakes, my memories, and my pain. I had wandered into
a bar at sometime, when I wasn't crying so hard. I was bent over a drink,
my body swaying hazardously on the stool, and out from the corner of my
eye, I could see the throbbing mass of people dancing to the music filling
the club. I couldn't hear very well though. The music was sluggish and
slow, the beat drowned out by my cotton filled head, soaked with beer.
I rubbed my face tiredly, squeezing my sore eyes shut and wishing I never
had to open them again. I was a sour drunk, I knew it. I wasn't funny
or happy when I was intent on drinking, not unless the beer had been in
my system for far too long. No one had tried to hit on me, but I also
didn't look like I went out to catch a date. I had nothing but some jeans
and a T-shirt, a dreary and boring outfit against the horny masses. I
barely looked up from my drink to catch anyone's eye that might have wandered
in my direction. I just continued to stare at my glass, swirling it around
on the table, and taking large gulps when the burning sensation of my
last sip had died away. A few other empty glasses surrounded my half empty
one. My memories were drowning in all the alcohol, wrenching their desperate
reach from my clogged mind. But I still didn't know what I should do.
I glanced over at the dancing mass, my glass lifted and resting against
my half-opened lips. Lights were flashing over the shadows of teenagers,
all of them moving together, all of them breathing together. It was ecstasy
there. An emotion I hadn't been able to feel in the longest time. I took
one last sip from my drink before tearing my body from the stool. My knees
buckled and I gripped onto the table, holding myself up. I stared at the
dancing, alive mass and I knew they wanted me to join them. I wanted to
be just like them, for one single moment. I wanted to share that emotion
and hold it close no more pain, no more memories, no more friends. I
would be truly alive but be nothing at all if I was with them. I would
just BE and that's all that mattered. Move with the flow, be it and breathe
it. There would no longer be a Duo Maxwell. There is no Quatre, no Trowa,
no Wufei or Heero in there. Nothing laid in there but freedom - freedom
from the mortal bonds. Because you couldn't think in that living mass.
There was just the music and us no confinement with me and I. But an
us, something never achieved through sex, a bond never made through friendship,
and goal never achieved in life. It was the one place where nothing could
The beat had changed and the lights took a more dramatic effect. It was
a song made for sex, of blind and raw affection with no feeling just
to connect and grind; to move and become one without removing any clothing
or making any sort of commitment. I dragged my body to them, reached out,
and was pulled inside their world. Some laughed, others groaned, but all
around me were smiling faces, lips slick with sweat and salvia. I looked
wildly around, losing myself within the throes of withering bodies, in
all the glitter the women wore and in all the flesh the men freely showed.
I realized that maybe this wasn't the freedom I was searching for.
I was jostled around from person to person, just realizing my limbs were
around one person before someone else pulled me away. I found myself against
some man, his lower body grinding into me, and he was whispering into
my ear I couldn't hear what he said. I just pulled away, twisting my
arms free, and shaking my head no. He let me go surprisingly easy and
I fell back, crashing into a group of dancing teenagers and I was sucked
in between them, smashed between their hot bodies and searching mouths.
A girl closed in, her lips landing on my neck and probably smearing all
of her dark, red lipstick over my skin. Her hips moved up and grated against
mine, which were forced to move forward because of the male grinding behind
me. My knees buckled and I sank some, curling my eyes up at their lustful
expressions and drowning in it. I smelled sex and they moved harder into
me. The boy behind me was reacting to his dance partners and he moved
quicker, his hot breath ghosting over my sweaty skin. I trembled and closed
my eyes, twisting my head to the side. His hands ran down my sides, hooking
his thumbs in my jeans, and holding me up, constricting my non-responding
member in a tighter spot. I gasped and threw my head back, throwing up
my hand and clutching onto the girl's bare shoulder, trying to push her
I was going to be sick.
I was suddenly spun, lost, then found again in someone else's arms and
he made me move with him this time, curling my shaking arms around his
neck, and feeling his cock rub against me. His fingers trickled down my
arms and to my hips, making them move and push back against him, so he
could seek release. My head fell back onto his shoulder and I stared up
at the flashing lights, feeling my heart shudder and pound louder than
the music all around us. My lower abdomen twisted with repulse, trying
to drive out the demons sneaking in closer with each shuddering breath
I brought in. I was surrounded in the sex again, trapped within grinding
hips and hot, hot bodies. I was always so hot, I could never cool down.
I closed my eyes, a scream bubbling in my throat, and I choked on it.
I choked on it just like the words I failed to say when they came to me.
I couldn't understand why I didn't speak out, why I didn't just throw
my head up and scream bloody murder. But I couldn't find my voice; it
was lost while I clasped their lips, sucked their cocks. I wanted to fist
my hands into my hair and shake my head wildly until I grew dizzy and
my head hurt too much to think. But I couldn't find my hands; they were
lost on my lovers' flesh. I couldn't find my own release; my own scream
retching past silent barriers and falling upon deaf ears. I felt the rage
bubbling up inside, the rage I felt every time I just gave in and let
it happen. When I didn't search hard enough to find my hands and push
them away - when I didn't grab hold of my voice and tell them exactly
what I thought about them.
Why do I cower and succumb like this?
Why am I so weak inside so weak! that it reflects on my bodily strength
when I have the ability to fight back?
Why can't I find the voice I need so much in desperate hours, when I can
normally speak without real thought?
Why do I succumb to the wills of others when I know the act will kill
Why…am I like this? Are there no answers to the path I've wound up on?
Will I never know how I become like this lost, confused, and…
…and like this? A boy wrapped up in whatever arms found him, letting any
man do what he wanted with him, without a protest, without a tear, without
a thought…until the overpowering human was gone…and only then did the
screams retch from this boy's throat only then did the tears finally
fall into soaked sheets only then did the act committed finally register
and another piece of sanity broke and fell away.
How…did I become…that?
Walking aimlessly down the street away from the bar, my only guide to
my feet was the wall of the buildings I passed by. My fingers scraped
the rough bricks and I had tripped once over a crack in the sidewalk or
something and had sliced them up a bit. They stung. That's all that I
was really aware of. That they stung and I wanted a band-aid or something
for them. I didn't think about where I was going or where I was going
to sleep tonight. Most likely I would knock myself out by my own two feet,
by the way they were carrying on. I was getting frustrated with them.
Why couldn't they just go from one in front of the other? My left leg
kept turning in on itself and my right knee was being real squiggly. I
can't count how many times I almost fell, only to be saved by some miscellaneous
Gingerly, I touched my bleeding lip, a wound caused by my last dance partner
before I finally couldn't take it anymore. He thought it would be cool
to have a little blood into a ‘hot and heavy' kiss to turn himself on
more. That's when I pretty much freaked and just started throwing fists.
I probably connected more of them on other people than that asshole. Nothing
was coherent anymore after that. I just swung and swung and smashed something
up. I heard a lot of cursing and screaming from the general women I
know I hit one of them too. After that, someone really big had caught
me from behind and threw me out of the club. I forgot to thank him. I
didn't want to be there anyway.
There was probably a big orgy fest going on right now too…
"Goddamnit!" I cursed as I tripped over my heel when my left leg did another
jiggy move and I stumbled, crawling for my savior, the wall, to help me
from saying hello to the concrete. It did, just as I knew it would, and
I turned to give it a big kiss when I stopped, because the wall just happened
to grow a set of brown hair, bulging blue eyes, and three hands…
…er, no wait, the third was a mannequin's, sorry about that…
"Holy shit!" Throwing my arms around wildly, I whirled around, took two
leaping steps, tripping over myself, and slammed my face against a steel
"Duo! Duo, are you all right!?"
"Heero! Look what you did to me!" I screamed hysterically through my hands,
holding my bleeding nose and blinking back the sharp tears in my eyes.
"I didn't throw you at the pole, you idiot," he replied, stopping my body
from rolling along the ground and screaming my head off. His hands snatched
my wrists and pulled them away from my face, though I fought him all the
"I have to look at it."
"I guess it must be because blood turns me on."
"That is so sick OW!"
"WHOOPS?! Fucking WHOOPS!?"
"It looks straight now."
"Can we quit with the fucking humor at such a critical time, Yuy!?"
"That wasn't humor."
"Get up. It's not broken. And stop bleeding."
"Let me just wave my fairy wand…"
Helping me to my feet, I let the blood falling from my nose puddle in
my cupped hand while Heero pulled a convenient and scrunched tissue out
of his jacket pocket.
"If I find snot in this…" I warned. Heero barely smiled and I stuffed
the hankie against my nose, staring at the blood soaking my hands. I thought
about wiping it against my jeans but sighed and let the idea go; blood
was messy business when it came to getting it out of your clothes.
"What are you doing here?" I grumbled and swayed as the floor sank in
around me. I grabbed the pole for safety. Blood problem: solved. I felt,
rather than saw, Heero move forward and put a guiding hand above my elbow.
I thought about jerking away but figured I didn't want another encounter
of any kind with my face so I settled down a bit and tried concentrating
on something else.
"Looking for you," he replied and nodded towards his car. I was wondering
why I was seeing bright lights all of a sudden. Heero's headlights were
beaming me right in the face and it seemed he had rolled a bit onto the
curb in his haste to catch up with me. His door was still swung wide open,
just as he left it, and came running to my rescue.
My knight in shining automobile. Sigh. Bat eyelashes.
I would have fainted by now over my hero's (fucking pun intended) gallant
deeds if my face didn't hurt so much. So instead I swooned like a good
guy that was supposed to be in love and knocked Heero's hand off my arm.
Hey. If I didn't have to move my feet, no problem with the ground then,
He gave me an odd expression and I realized I was supposed to be playing
a part here.
God, how I just didn't care anymore.
"You were bruising my arm," I said lamely around my tissue and stared
tiredly ahead. Not convinced in the least, Heero continued to give me
a confused look before slowly letting it go with a shrug of his shoulders.
We stood there for another moment before he gestured hesitantly at the
"Do you want to get in by yourself or should I carry you?"
"Where are we going?" I said blankly, too tired to bring up some lame
act and too cranky to be nice-nicey to anyone. I just wanted everyone
to shut up, especially me…I didn't want to do anything. I almost wanted
Heero to carry me to the damn vehicle I didn't know if I had the energy
to crawl towards it.
"To the hotel where I'm staying."
I blinked my eyes towards him. "What happened to the cabin?"
He sighed. "Can we talk in the car?"
I narrowed my eyes at this and snorted, jerking my head into the air.
"What if I don't want to go with you?"
"Too bad." With a shove, Heero pushed my stumbling body towards the car
and caught me again before I fell. Gently placing his hand on my arm again,
he helped me to the automobile and sat me inside. When he came around
and got in the car, he glanced at me as he closed his door. I turned my
head out the window, and crossed my arms firmly over my chest into the
most defensive ‘I don't want to talk right now' position I knew. Obviously,
Heero hadn't read that textbook yet. He relocated his eyes out the hood
and sat there with the engine running and his hands on the wheel, staring
off without moving the car. I shifted restlessly after two minutes of
this went by and I jerked my eyes at him angrily. He looked at me then.
"Are you mad at me?" He asked quietly.
Sighing heavily through my nose and turning my eyes back out the window,
I answered, "No, Heero."
"I didn't mean to shoot you," he replied slowly and then cleared his throat
as if to continue in some way. When he didn't make another comment after
a couple of seconds, I continued for him.
"Just chock it up against all the bullets I landed on you," I said stiffly.
"Has Wufei visited you?" Heero asked suddenly and I rolled my eyes, irritated.
"I never…visited you."
"Well, duh!" I snapped, whipping my head around. "I think I would have
He blinked, taken aback by my venom. "I mean I meant that…you didn't
ask me to come and see you."
"Notice that, did you?"
His eyes fell, then looked out the window. "Just thought you would is
"Oh, knock it off," I spat angrily and he looked at me bewildered. "I'm
not going to pity you or some crap like that. Or feel sorry because I
hurt your feelings. Just drive the car."
"Do you want me to do it?!" I screamed furiously.
"But that night-."
"Was a bunch of bullshit! Do you get it, Heero?! Do you fucking understand!?
Everything I said was just a bunch of bullshit! Now. Drive. The. Fucking.
"…What?" He said slowly, as if stupid.
"Oh, forget it," I grumbled and ripped open the passenger door. "I'm walking."
"No! Duo!" He grabbed my arms and pulled me back into the car, an easy
task for him since I was completely shit-faced. "I just don't understand!
What happened!? Why would you do something like that!?"
Stopping my struggles, I turned and spat out, "I don't know. Maybe I was
stressed-out and needed a quick lay to relieve myself or something."
His hands suddenly grew lack in shock then tightened before I could slip
away from them. I could feel him shaking and for a minute, I thought I
pushed his buttons too far again. I froze myself, finding once again that
words of protest died in my throat and I just couldn't seem to find the
strength to get away.
But I was surprised when he said…
"Is…that all?" He whispered. Stunned again, I turned my head around and
stared at his wide and disbelieving eyes. "Is-Is that what you think of
me? Just some…some lay?"
I threw back my hand and punched him as hard as I could.
"You fuck! You insensitive jerk!" I raged, too busy trying to rip Heero
apart to realize I was crying all my worth. My tears were soaking my bloodstained
face, cleansing the gore from my face. I threw my fists at him, sometimes
the flat of my palms when one of my arms just got too tired. He cowered
against the door, covering his face as best as he could and blocking what
wild hits he could which weren't many. I was crazed again, not even
seeing, but just punching and throwing out all my rage everywhere hoping
that most of my hits would hit the man I hated the most.
"Die! I wish you would just die! Jerk! Jerk!" I screamed hysterically,
my voice wheezing through my tears. I was tiring out and it didn't even
seem like my punches had affected Heero at all. He had unfolded himself
a little bit, trying to look at me, and was yelling back at me asking
me what did I mean, why was I hitting him, had I gone completely mad…I
didn't answer him. I just wanted to keep on hitting him and just hoped
that I killed him with my bare hands. But I, as usual, didn't get the
Heero struck back and I blacked out.
[part 9] [part 11] [back
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