Author: Sita Seraph
See part 1 for pairings and warnings.
This + Part 2
When I got out of bathroom,
I was hoping that perhaps the others had left since I took my sweet time
in the shower, singing graciously along with an old band called Drowning
Pool. But to my massive disappointment, I was greeted with the site, in
my underwear no less, of Heero and Wufei duct taping my door shut
again. Quatre was busy sweeping up the remains of the rickety door from
when it made impact on the floor with a broom I didn't even know I owned.
They hadn't noticed yet that I had walked into the room, so I quickly
retreated back into the hallway and against the wall where they couldn't
see me. I sighed heavily, my hand flying into my damp bangs and the strands
of chestnut immediately hugged my fingers in their tangled web. I tugged
lightly and let a small grunt of pain release from my lips as my hair
refused to give up their hold.
They were cleaning up the apartment for me. Even after I had screwed up
for not going to the wedding. Even after I ignored their phone calls,
their e-mails. I felt this huge swell of guilt rise in my chest. I could
have told them that I was too busy. Hell, I could have done a lot of things.
Just one word from me and they would have left me alone...
Well, maybe. I know Quatre and Trowa would because they had everything
they ever wanted... each other. Me? I was just a stick in the mud. Or
something. Maybe they felt guilty for their happiness and how they dumped
me aside. So, to make it up to poor, ol' Duo Maxwell, they would keep
interfering with my life just so I could be reminded each day of what
a cheap ass I am. Thanks guys.
Then there was Wufei and Heero. Tormenting me would probably be their
favorite past time. You know, I thought during the war all their rude
comments and doubts about my fighting abilities would have been enough.
But no. They just had to keep coming up with something new to punch me
with. Always insulting me if I said something stupid. Always putting me
down if I messed up a bit. Did I ever get a compliment? A congratulation?
No. That would be just too fucking good for them. It was damn frustrating
to not hit them with a bat or something. Of course, I was just too weak
for that. Besides, I probably wouldn't get very far. They'd probably kill
me before I could pick up something to throw at them.
But... why were they being so nice now? After nearly pulling out my hair
and then giving me a speech about responsibility and royally screwing
up Quatre and Trowa's wedding, why were they cleaning up my apartment?
They were actually doing something nice for me... like friends. Like true
friends that didn't dump each other when something better rolled along.
That was nice. The Gundam pilots... my friends. People I could count on
I was wishing for too much. I sighed heavily, freeing my hand from my
bangs just to thump my head against the wall. I was always hoping for
so much more. Praying that I could go back in time and take back all my
actions, all the words I said to them. To change everything of being their
bed pal, even if we might have lost the war without my sacrifice. Always
wishing that one of them truly did love me, like I loved them. Just wishing
that they prayed too, to go back in time and change everything. Always
hoping that my sacrifice made a difference to them... and I might get
a thank you, a handshake... something. Hoping that this hate inside me,
this disgust for myself, and this denial of my sexual preferences would
just disappear and I could be Duo Maxwell again. Always wishing and hoping
for too much.
They just felt guilty. That's all. They were doing it because the little
voice in their head told them too, not because we were 'friends'. Just
because they felt sorry for me and how I was treated. How they dumped
me aside like garbage. Like a whore. Except I didn't get any money.
I was raped. Raped willingly.
I sighed and smacked my head against the wall again, feeling that weird
sensation of concrete connecting with skull tapping and spreading across
the back of my head. I was so stupid! For a moment, I started to believe
that I actually did have friends and not fuck buddies. I was so fucked
up. I played around in bed with my best 'pals' and now I couldn't even
watch a proper porn flick without throwing my head in the toilet bowl.
And who did this to me? None other then myself! I screwed myself over
the edge, thinking I could take over the world and my friends by letting
them fuck my brains out. And I expected them to feel bad about it? Hell,
no! What the hell was wrong with me?! It was my fault! All my fault! I
offered and they took it! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
And maybe that was all I was still to them. Little whore, Duo Maxwell,
ready to drop his pants and bend over like a good bitch. Beat me, fuck
me, use me. Come on, I can take it good in the ass! Come on, motherfucker;
is that all the fucking strength you got?
I didn't realize I was beating my head lightly against the wall and just
about to tear my bangs out until I heard the light footsteps of someone
coming near. I quickly jerked my hands free from my damp tangles and spun
around to slam right into Wufei's form. He grunted and grabbed me as I
began to stumble backwards , making sure I didn't ricochet too far, and
straightening me in a matter of seconds that sent my already spiraling
mind into a new dimension.
"What the hell was that, Maxwell?" Wufei questioned, staring
at me intently. I think I was going cross-eyed. So, instead of answering,
I tried to recollect my scrambled remains of my brain and refocus my pair
"Uh?" I grunted, shaking my hair out of my eyes. Wufei's hands
tightened somewhat on my upper arms and just when I tossed my bangs to
their proper places, I thought I saw something disappear from Wufei's
statement... Like... I thought... I saw...
... No... I just haven't gotten my wits together quite yet.
"That noise," Wufei pressed, looking over my shoulder. "What
"I dunno," I answered stupidly, wiping my jaw from the drool
coming forth in my slow drawl. Christ, how long had I been beating my
head to the wall like a drum set? My head was killing me, still thudding
with the beat I was going at.
Wufei scowled down at me, obviously not enjoying my stupidity at the moment.
Sorry not to please you, ol' mighty lordship.
"I don't know, okay, Wu?" I scuffed, quickly brushing off his
bare hands from my bare skin as I felt the urge to just grab a bar of
soap and rub my skin off until it was raw. His burning, sweaty hands felt
like they were crawling all over me, pressing those sinful, lying digits
into my skin and bruising my body all over again...
I felt that familiar sensation of hyperventilating claw at my lungs and
I controlled it as best as I could. I could just feel him everywhere;
touching me over and over again... my scream was at the tip of my tongue
before I even knew it.
I hate being touched.
I hate it, hate it, hate it!
"You okay, Maxwell?" His eyes were all over me, looking me over
like I was an item on sale. Am I good enough for you, Wufei? Do you like
what you see?
Bile was rising quickly to my throat. I couldn't stand the thoughts, all
those sexual thoughts. I couldn't stand his eyes and the hands that still
felt like they were on my limbs. Instead, I looked away from him, arms
crossing tightly over my chest and glanced at some distraction. Quatre
was wiping up the remains of the door into a trash tray, looking over
at me curiously as he did so. Heero was distantly fixing the hinges on
the door with a tool but he wasn't watching what he was doing either.
He was looking at me, watching me, checking me over. All of them, watching
me like I was on display. Like a slut. I knew what they were thinking,
behind those closed-off, curious eyes. I knew they were thinking what
good trash I was, what a waste I became and how bad it was that they couldn't
have another lay from the whore, Duo Maxwell. I wanted to scream. I wanted
to curl up. I wanted to hug myself and run from this room. I wanted them
But what I wanted most was to rip off all this dirty, ugly skin... and
throw it back in their ugly, fucking faces.
Here's a memento of what you did to my life.
Here's a token of the good lay you had.
Here's a keepsake to put under your pillow.
Here's a souvenir of how much I fucking hate you all!
I looked away from their searching eyes and found Trowa appear right behind
Wufei's left shoulder. He was hiding at my desk, where I could not see
him before from the wall, and holding my stacks of papers that had littered
my work place. He was standing, watching me, just like the rest. But in
his hands he was holding papers, my papers, the papers I've collected.
The papers I kept of the war. Magazine clippings I saved when people committed
suicide. News reports off the internet of asexual disorder.
Things I had collected.
Things I only wanted to see.
Private things that they forced their noses into.
My anger erupted before I knew it and I shoved Wufei aside roughly. To
my surprise, he was pushed back easily, totally taken off guard by my
adrenaline strength. I stalked over to Trowa, my towel around my waist
barely holding up and ripped the papers free from his loose hand. He was
staring at me wide-eyed as I took more out of his left hand, crumbling
the sheets of loose paper in my fingers.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Trowa?" I yelled at
him, pushing past him to my once-messy and now-clean desk. I looked through
my drawers, staring at the nicely stacked papers assorted into folders.
"I -- " he started.
"Did I give you permission to go through my stuff!?" I screamed,
my fury bubbling. He messed everything up! Everything was out of order,
it had to be! And now he was going to ask questions about why I was keeping
all that junk, all these reports. He was going to tell everyone!
"No... " Trowa replied cautiously, his gaze burning into my
spine. "But why... ?"
"This isn't any of your business!" I screeched, whirling around
to face him, the documents in my hands merely wads of paper now. My loose
hair was flying and caught on my nose, which I furiously shoved behind
my ear. "Why do you care!? You got Quatre!"
Trowa looked confused at that moment, staring at me in puzzlement of what
I meant. And then, he suddenly dawned like the sun. But instead of getting
brighter, he paled and his eyes grew wide in fear... Pleading me not to
say any more. Don't tell Quatre I screwed your brains out, Duo, he was
saying to me. Please don't. Anything but that. Yeah, it was our horrible
secret, wasn't it? Don't worry, Tro. I wouldn't do anything like that
to Quatre. Never him, for he was the closest thing I ever got to a lover.
But to you, I would do it in a heartbeat. Anything for revenge, anything
to make you suffer.
"What do you mean, Duo?" Quatre asked, trash tray still in one
hand and broom in the other. His head was cocked curiously to the side,
looking as confused as Trowa was before. But he didn't get it, not at
all. "What's in the documents?"
"Nothing," I grumbled and turned away, throwing the ruined clippings
into the trashcan.
"It was about the war," Trowa said quickly. My hands crumpled
a paper in my hand more tightly as Trowa spoke. That bastard! He was still
squealing even with the trump card in my hand! "About suicides, turning
"Suicides?" Wufei repeated. "Duo?"
"Its just a hobby of mine!" I yelled back, throwing the paper
furiously in the garbage.
"You aren't... ?" Quatre whispered, looking a little worried,
or so I thought from the corner of my eye. I growled. Yes, worried that
I wont make it to his damn wedding and make headliners about a reunion
if I decided to kill myself before.
"Of course not!" I growled, angry. Like I was that desperate
to kill myself! Morons! "Would you guys just get out of my house?"
"Duo, what about -- " Quatre started.
"I'll go to the fucking wedding! Now get out!" I screamed, my
voice rising higher then with Trowa. I pointed at the door; just in case
they got confused or lost on their way out. They hesitated yet again,
Quatre and Wufei trying to speak at once but one furious howl from me
and a vase aimed at their heads, sent them all scrambling for the door.
I was never so happy to see that door shut... and fall to the ground as
it gave it away.
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