Author: Sita Seraph
See part 1 for pairings and warnings.

Dedicated to: Anria, who being the first person wanting to host Abuse This! And to Blue, as a welcome back gift!

Abuse This + Part 4

I couldn't believe this shit.

I was driving at break-neck speed towards civilization, leaving Quatre's warmy mansion behind me in dust. I had to get out; I had to get away for a couple of hours. They were forcing me to go to that closed-in 'cabin'. Well, that was the understatement of the year. Anything Quatre owned would far from being called a cabin. But it was, in fact, a cottage in the woods. It would only be defined as such because it was made out of wood. It was huge though. It was a place, back in the war, that Heero and I fled to for a mission. It was isolated, the nearest town Missoula, Montana where we had to go to High School every fricken day. And I hated that school too. I wont get into the details... yet.

So, anyways, Quatre and the others decided for ME, like some incompetent child, to go to this stupid cabin and 'get better'. But they didn't even realize that my drug problem went farther than addiction. I needed those little buggers. I needed them like I needed to breathe... so I could keep up the smile. So I could still act like the charming young man with a long-ass braid. They were my fog, blocking my mind so I couldn't see anything in the past.

They were... my mask. They made me become that upbeat person that I had portrayed myself to be during the war. It was like he was another person, compared to what I'd become now. I was shallow, mournful, whining even, at present. But back then; I could remember waking up each day with a smile. I liked fighting. I liked giving myself up for the pleasure I got in return. That was my drug back then, to be fucked stupid. I had sexual fantasies all the time. I was so horny that I wanted a dick up my ass while I blew OZ soldiers up. I wanted to masturbate all the time, just shove my hand in my pants and jerk off... especially when I knew that one of the other pilots were watching. But now... every time I even think of my lower regions... even to wash them, I would get this unbelievable need to throw up. This need to scratch the skin off or... even worse, cut it off. I hated every piece of my body, when before I was so proud of it. I was so proud of what my hands could do to make my lover cry out in lust... but now all I saw was those callused, dried fingertips with nails bitten all the way down just to the point before they would begin bleeding. I was so proud of my tight ass, crushed against my jeans that I knew everyone was watching with intense interest. But now all I saw was a fat, used ass, seeing too many dicks in its lifetime. I was so sick when I looked in the mirror; because I knew that under that pale complexion of smooth skin and my few battle scars, there were still the bruises. Still the cuts as nails dug into flesh, the sign of increased pleasure. There were still the bite marks all over my neck, buried deep and unseen now; but they were still there. I would still feel them when I ran my fingers across that tainted flesh. I knew every mark, every cut, and every bruise. Because that was the time they started getting violent with me, knocking me around like a bitch then taking me down right to the floor to satisfy the hard-on they got from seeing my puckered lips bleed. And I didn't fight back. I don't know why. Maybe the high for pleasure was still riding fast and quick during that time. Or maybe I was just too scared.

Drugs were my pleasure now, since I couldn't stand being touched by people's ugly, guilty hands... who knew how dirty, how vile they really were? I mean, I could go into a clothing store and shake hands with one of the employees and never know that they rape their daughter at home, or masturbate behind the counter. I would never know that in a dance club, when I was rubbing, grinding, and clashing with the suffocating group of people, that they killed two people in cold blood or hunted down little girls on the internet. I wouldn't have a clue that the person in the car in front of me is in love with his sister or mother. I wouldn't have any idea that when I turn my back to the employee, his eyes changed from that friendly, helping look to that of a hunter, mentally devouring his next kill.

Drugs were my only lovers. They would comfort me in the way that they never had. They could make me forget about the hour or day before. They would run their hazy fingers down my veins, making me feel like the greatest man in the world, worthy of stepping out of my apartment to grace the world with my presence. They could make me smile when no one else could. They would make the world look sweet and innocent and make my logic rush away. They would make me feel good for what I did, because if I hadn't, we'd still be all fucked up and fighting OZ. They showed me who the true hero was: me. I did it all. I saved their butts...

By offering my own.

I chuckled darkly to myself, staring at the road as it disappeared under my engine then appeared again behind me. Okay, so maybe I didn't do something that would be applauded upon, but I did what a whore would do -- relieve stress. And damn, was I good at it. I wondered if Heero would have cracked if I weren't there to wave my tempting ass in his face or offer my mouth in even the most public places. In most cases, I did the right thing... though it didn't make me feel any better to this present day.

Drugs also did one more favor for me. They didn't lie to me. They gave what they said they gave. They would be my comforter, be my mask, and then they would disappear. If you wanted them again, shake up another batch. They wouldn't leave me for some other person I laid. They would just go away for a bit, but I could always call them back. But not with my friends. I could never call them back if I wanted to. They were gone... gone for good.

I was still confused on whether I was happy or sad about that.

So, as I was saying, I had to get out of the house for a while. It's not that I was trying to run away (which would be impossible, because I couldn't haul all my clothes out without SOMEONE noticing) or needing some space. It was because, since I was going to live with these guys for who knows HOW long, I might as well get prepared with some things I would desperately need.

Beer.

Drugs.

And a gun.

+

"This is all the stuff I have, man," a teenage punk, possibly a year younger then me, said as he popped open his trunk. He had a nice car, but I was more interested in the earrings in his ear. He had three up around the lope, his middle having a black ball with purple specks that sparkled into existence every time he turned his head to look around. I really, really liked it. He also had some cool hair, dyed completely black and stiff from hair gel stuffed in after a shower. It was a little crazy, but I always did have a thing for crazy hair-do's.

I have a braid. Need I say more?

It came to my attention that I was supposed to be looking over the drugs in the trunk because the guy started looking at me strangely. I blinked back at his questioning gaze then looked casually at the stuff in the back. I was pleased to see everything I would ever need. Injection needles, pipes, and most importantly, the drugs. And they came in all shapes and sizes! I really preferred pills, because no one would question them, but today I wanted and needed the really fast stuff.

"I need Ice (1)," I told the teenager and he leaned into his car to do as he was bided. He pulled out a small bag of white doe and another of yellow pills. "I'll take the snuff kind." Immediately, he tossed back the pills with the rest.

"Want more?" He asked, looking at me oddly again.

"Yeah," I answered, ignoring his stare and looking over everything in the trunk. The kid was packed, Jesus. "I'm going to be stuck in Missoula, Montana. I need a lot of this shit. Give me at least four bags of it."

He didn't have to be told twice. He began putting my special drugs in a paper grocery bag I brought, so I wouldn't arouse suspicious when I came back to the house late tonight.

"Too bad you weren't going to Great Falls," he said conversationally. "That place is always loaded with all kinds of shit."

"Really? I'll keep that in mind," I said, looking everything over. "Give me one bag of Microdots (2) and Rocket Fuel (3) as well. I want injection for the Dust (3) too."

"How much stuff do you want for it?" the unnamed kid asked throwing my first precious drug in before getting one of the clean needles from the rest.

"Just two bottles," I said, fishing out my wallet from my back pocket. I could hear the kid put everything gently into my bag before he began digging through his trunk again. I looked up at him curiously to see him grab some kind of new drug, red and white pills, and started putting a few of them in a separate bag.

"It's a special discount," he explained. "Its called ecstasy (4). Since you bought a shit load of this crap, I thought I might throw this in as well."

"Is it any good?" I asked, pulling out a couple hundred bills and handing it to him, taking the offered pills in exchange.

"Got me," he said with a shrug. "Haven't tried it yet."

"Well, I'm sure I'll need it sooner or later," I said with my own shrug and I bent down to scoop up my 'groceries'. There was a light wind in the dead night and I enjoyed it immensely; especially when the cool draft would seep through my black clothing and up my flesh.

"So, do you know any place with good liquor?" I asked casually and turned back around to the flashy teenager. He was also wearing a good hunk of black on his uniform, wearing some sort of black tank top with a net shirt sewed on the straps, used as some kind of sleeves. His pants were glittering black, having silver buttons sewed on for design along the length of the pants. Though my hobby was wearing black, I think he wore those clothes for mere protection -- to blend in the darkness in case the coppers came. Not too bad of an idea... and he even had a fashion sense, unless his sister did all the clothes picking for him.

"A couple of blocks from here," the boy answered, shrugging his shoulders. "Only place I know."

"That's helpful," I replied, rolling my eyes. It would have to do. It was getting late and most likely, Heero would send out a search warrant with his Preventer power to drag me back to the 'base'. Which was probably another reason why I didn't hit the gas and drive like a bat outta hell (which, while we are on the subject, what kind of dead metaphor is that?). I could hide for a while, easily, but Heero's hacking skills would have found me sooner or later and I'd be in more trouble then when I slept through Quatre's wedding. And I hate having to replace a new door.

"All right, thanks, man," I said with a half wave from my hand and I turned back around to the car.

+

I was back in my car again, my cheeks a nice rosy red from the outside cold. My bags were filled with drugs and beer and even some joint. I wasn't really a smoker, since they left an awful stench afterwards, but I thought for this case, it was different. I wasn't going to my home to stink that place up and I already had a reasonable excuse for stinking the way I was. I was at a club, Quatre. Yep. No, I didn't drink. Yeah, everybody was smokin' in there, but I didn't mind.

Shit, I'm too good.

So, it was nearing midnight and I was still in town, my window rolled down for the smoke to seep through and my chair was pulled back. I even rolled down the sunroof to look at all the perdy stars. It was a cool night, something I indefinitely enjoyed to the extreme. It was better than the heat, where one would grow sweaty and hot, panting like a dog under the sun and --

Stop it, Duo. We aren't thinking about that.

Maybe I would move to Montana. Shit, that place had the weirdest weather imaginable. One day it would be sunny, and then a blizzard would be in your face the next. I always liked variety in my life. Besides, in good ol' Montana, there weren't any psycho Gundam pilots --

Grr! Knock it off!

I would only have to worry about Quatre comin' up to spend time in his --

Oh, fuckin' A!

It was inevitable. I couldn't get them out of my head. My whole life was surrounded by their ugly smug mugs. Every damn day I would be reminded of something they did during the war. It all ranged from the coffee table, to the weight room, to outside. It didn't matter where we fucked like bunnies; as long as they got their dick in my ass. It didn't matter. They were everywhere in my head, laughing at me because I couldn't forget as easily as they did. It just wasn't fair! Just the mere color red set me off in a time whirl of memories when their dicks would come free from my whore hole and I eagerly licked up their cum, my own fucking blood --

I launched up from my seat, my hand with the joint coming to comfort my forehead. My stomach was beginning to twist; I was near the edge of throwing up whatever I had in my stomach. You think, if you were nauseous, you would stop thinking about whatever was making you sick. But I couldn't. It was like a chain reaction and all the chains broke, shoving scattered memories in my face.

Licking up their cum and my own blood with an eager, red tongue. I was smiling the whole time, moaning like a little cunt, that they would grow hard again right under my fingertips. And I enjoyed it! Fucking A, I enjoyed getting fucked to Jupiter! I enjoyed being the fucking male bitch and having all this control over my 'men'. Why!? Why did it all change!?! Why did I just suddenly change my mind and wanted them to stop, to stop so bad that it made my head spin and my whole body shake?

I tried to bring the burning drug back to my lips, tried to cool my pounding heart and the sweat that was growing under my armpits. Oh god, I enjoyed every moment of it... and now what? I couldn't even bring myself to find another person attractive anymore.

How did I become this?

I dropped my drug on the seat and threw my head out the window.

It was during that time I was upchucking my dinner, that I smelt burning leather. I groaned and tucked my head back in the car. My cheeks were definitely no longer rosy, but instead my whole face was brought down to a sickening white. My hands were shaking -- like they always did when I relieved myself through the mouth - as I grabbed the joint and pat down the light flame burning away at Quatre's seat. I was lightly sweating again, the night wind doing my body justice and cooling it. I groaned weakly, the seats and dashboard was spinning around me and pressed my forehead to the wheel. I felt weaker then Relena at that single moment.

So, I guess, that was the perfect time to put a gun to my head.

"Get out of the fucking car!" Someone yelled.

I groaned in reply and the barrel dug deeper in my temple. I welcomed the cool flesh, but not for long since the hard pressure against my head was beginning to make me see stars.

"Give me a minute," I mumbled in reply, trying to bring back strength to my shaky limps. I leaned back slowly and stuck the joint back in my mouth, looking up at the teenager pointing the pistol right between my eyes. He was obviously taller than me and had a fetish for the jean department... or just looking like the casual thug.

His eyes were blood shot, though.

I smiled slowly, something I haven't been able to do in months, and took the cigarette from my lips, eager to forget what problems I had.

"So, kid, when was the last time you took a hit?" I asked casually.

+

Today was Wednesday and guess what?

I felt like a pile of shit.

I walked into the kitchen later then usual and ignored the assembly of impatient morons in the corner with their orange juices, coffee, tea, and what not.

It would have been wise though, if I listened to what they were saying to me.

"Duo, watch --

"Duo!"

"Wait!"

Suddenly I was sailing in the air and with a resounding thud, I hit the cool tiles of kitchen grit. My legs were caught up in the bags I had conveniently ignored in my way to the kitchen. But wasn't it just fantastic that they WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING FLOOR!?!?!

I waited, checking over my body for injury.

I waited for Wufei to stop laughing.

I waited for Quatre to say 'are you okay?' between his pitiful attempts of hidden snickering.

Once the kitchen was quiet again, I waited a little bit more.

Then...

"FUCKING A!!!!" I screamed and got up in such a rush that it made the blood darken my vision for nearly 5 seconds. After swaying back on my feet, I tried not to fall again since the devil little bags had sneaked their claw like little handles around my foot. Grumbling, I tried kicking the thing off but when that had no effect, I resorted to tearing the damn thing off on my hands and knees. Wufei was laughing again at my attempts and I just wanted to grab the gun I bought last night and shove it up his nose and pull the trigger. When I got up again, Wufei had contained himself, enough to chuckles anyway, and I tried to fix my frizzy hair. I huffed, I puffed, I pouted but I finally got the fly-aways under control. Twisting a few under my ear, I met Heero Yuy's pique interested stare with defiant pride.

"So," I said as casually as I could, my anger just bubbling to the surface. "Are we ready to go?"

+

"Today, police found Aaron Johannan in an alleyway of Idaho Falls. It seemed he had a serious overdose and mixed drugs found in his system. Also, it seemed he was strangled, as if forced to take the drugs and then dumped practically in the street as the hurried criminal --

I reached over and turned off the radio from the backseat, thumping back between Trowa and Wufei. Quatre looked back at me from the front passenger seat, giving me a little annoyed glare that scrunched up his little nose. I grinned slightly.

"I was listening to that," Quatre stressed, folding the map in his lap without looking.

"Were you?" I asked with the cock of my head. "SO sorry."

Quatre looked a little miffed but not entirely too angry as he shifted back to look out the window.

"We should almost be there," he said, searching for the dirt road that would lead to the little lake in the woods. I nodded and carefully brought my hands behind my head without knocking Trowa and Wufei senseless.

"Yeah, Hee-chan knows the way," I said with a shrug and closed my eyes. The heat from outside and the car was getting to me.

"Don't call me that," Heero said automatically and turned back on the radio to drown out my automatic response to his automatic response, which would send off the next automatic response that would lead to the automatic argument.

Automatic is such a cool word, don't you think?

I listened as Kidney Thieves sang through the speakers and peered my eyes open to watch the slow moving landscape go by. It was just a bunch of weeds on that side, much like Montana and just a lot of trees on Trowa's side, which was a lot like Montana as well. Weeds and trees and hicks all around! Great, ain't it?

Growing bored from watching little bushes of gold, I turned my attention to a sleeping Wufei. His head was against the plastic part of the car and it was a wonder he was sleeping. Usually the vibrating would get to my ears and I would throw my head back on the seat instead. But Wufei, unaffected as usual, slept on with a half open mouth, and hands in his lap. His hair was coming lose from his little pony tail since it kept rubbing against the back of the seat and so a lot of his hair was covering his cheeks. He was kind of cute like that... I was so tempted to grab those cheeks and twist 'em... ehehe...

"We're here!" Quatre cheered happily. I grinned with a little sigh.

"Wakey, wakey, Wufee!" I cheered along with Quatre and grabbed one of Wufei's cheeks and hair. I didn't even get as far as to twist them before he tried to bite my finger off. I snapped back, expecting to find Trowa's shoulder to catch me but found nothing but empty air. With a little 'oof', I landed on the seat with my head off the edge to see nothing but lovely, spring air and countryside. I tilted my head slightly, watching Trowa and Heero follow Quatre to the cabin. They weren't even waiting for us!

"Hey, guys!" I tried to call but they didn't hear me... or maybe it could have been the fact that Wufei suddenly had a hold of my white shirt and was bringing me back into my previous seating position... only I was a lot closer.

Surprised, I stared at Wufei's golden face that I had seen so many times before from this point of view. He was watching me intensely, a gentle expression on his face, something that I have NOT seen on his appearance. He still held onto my baggy, thrown-on shirt in its crumbled mass, tugging me just that much closer that I was beginning to get cross-eyed from looking at him. It was so hot, the sun burning up the inside of the car... and my body. I closed my eyes tightly... and I think Wufei took that as an invitation. For suddenly his lips were all over mine and I could recognize that same taste from all those other fake nights of passion. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pound on that heated chest before me. I wanted to rip my lips from him and cut them off as they began to tingle with that sickening dirtiness. My anger bubbled and I brought my fists up, ready to beat them back against him, when he suddenly grabbed them and forced them around the neck I wanted to squeeze. Then his hands were around my waist and I was brought forward to deepen the kiss, to rub body heat to body heat. Everything but my lower body was in his lap... and then that wasn't even the case. He switched me around so fast that I lost all my direction... until I was pressed against the glass of the window. Tears began to prickle in my eyes, the situation too clear and familiar in my mind.

His hand was just getting under my shirt when I heard Quatre's faint call.

"Wufei! Duo!" He called. Wufei froze, lips leaving mine to let a few gasps of fresh air to enter. But his momentary shock was all I needed before I was out of his lap. I threw myself out of the car and nearly ran over Quatre. He took one look at my frazzled look before questions began to bubble forth with his confused statement. I didn't give him the chance. Instead, I shoved him aside with such force that he hit the car door and I ran past.

I hated them all!!

+

Why? Why did they keep doing this to me? Couldn't they see that I didn't want them? Couldn't they see how fucked up I was?

It wasn't until sunset that I came through the door and into the cabin. Everyone was just sitting down for dinner and they looked up at me when I came through. From the front door, there was the dining room with a nice round table in the middle of the room. Window seats sat under the windowpanes, still covered in plastic to keep the dirt from outside off of them. The stairs then separated the dining area to the family room, completely furnished and set up with a large TV and movies and even books stacked on the walls. The stairs had a hallway built under them that would lead to one of the bathrooms. Right next to this hallway would begin the very large kitchen with a long bar area and stools to circle the cupboards, stove, and frig. Upstairs were the second bathroom and all the bedrooms. A nice set-up, don't you think?

I sighed and looked over at the gathering. Quatre was smiling slightly, instantly forgetting the scene of me shoving him to the metal of his car. I ignored Wufei's stare completely, since I could feel him trying to get my attention. I didn't want anything to do with him at the moment; not until I would be able to meet his eyes and not get sick.

"Sorry about the time," I said with a shrug. "Took a look around."

Easy lie. And they easily accepted it.

"I'm going to go take a shower," I continued, walking to the stairs. "I'll eat din-din a little bit later."

As I walked up the wooden steps, I could still feel their eyes on my back until I reached the top and they could no longer see me. I just tucked myself in the darkness of the wall when I heard them speak again.

"Jeez, Wufei, won't you tell us what you did to him?" Quatre asked and I heard a small squeak as he sat down in his chair.

"We were just talking," Wufei said grumpily, obviously upset that I didn't even look at him. Probably because he was afraid Quatre was going to ask me what happened and I was going to tell him the truth.

Yeah right.

"You looked like you unsettled him," Heero said blankly, dishes clinking as they began to eat.

"Maxwell is just screwed up," Wufei barked. "I mean, who has a hobby for asexual and suicidal cases in their apartment? Anybody you know? He probably has some mood disorder."

"You aren't being very nice," Quatre scolded, his voice sounding slightly angry. "Duo may be a little off sometimes, but he isn't screwed up. Got that?"

I never really heard Quatre take so much authority in his tone before. I hung my head, wishing Quatre would just shut up. He was so wrong. I was screwed up. How could he say that? Why didn't he just admit that it was true? He knows it, they know it, I know it.

"Okay then, how about his drinking problem?" Wufei argued. "Who could drink like that? Only an idiot would!"

Had they been talking behind my back this whole time I was out? Had they been fighting back and forth and showing all the clues that I've been trailing behind like to a judge on my crime sentence? I hated being talked about... I just wanted to disappear.

"Wufei!" Quatre said, voice rising. "We've discussed this already! And we're giving him help -- You didn't have to come along if you were going to act like this!"

"I'm acting like this because I know Duo is hiding something from us!" Wufei yelled and if I was in the shower just now, I could even hear it. I winced, and I heard a chair topple over as someone stood up too fast. I guessed it was Wufei, since I heard two fists pound the table.

"He's hiding something from us," Wufei said more quietly.

"Like what?" Trowa said, bemused. "That he might be asexual?"

Eerie silence followed Trowa's pitiful joke. My hands flew to my face and I groaned into my palms. Oh, no, oh no. Oh, God, no! This can't be happening!! Don't listen to him! Don't believe him! You can't know! You can't suspect... Just believe my lie once more... just forget what you saw and heard!!

I listened with pounding ears as the toppled chair was set aright and its partner joined his seat.

"Yes," Wufei whispered. "I think he is."

For the first time in my life, I was ready to take my gun and put lead in my head.

+

1. Ice -- like a caffeine drug. Also called 'speed' and 'uppers'.
2. "Give me one bag of Microdots." - LSD
3. "And Rocket Fuel as well." "I want injection for the Dust (3) too." -- PCP
4. Ecstasy - hallucinogen and other stuff... Much like LCD and PCP.

+

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