Author: Sita Seraph
See part 1 for pairings and warnings.

Abuse This + Part 5

I didn't go downstairs again after that. I mean, who would when four men separated by a wooden ceiling, were talking about you? It was nice, though, that they actually had a CLUE of what the hell was going on with me. Maybe they really could help me and stop jumping me every time the rest of 'em were out of the room. But it was really just a scrape on the surface. They wouldn't ever truly understand, as long as I kept my mouth shut...

And their secrets kept theirs closed as well.

I didn't move when I got to my room. I sat through the whole night, supported by the bed frame, and stared at the wall opposite from me. I never really thought of anything. Hell, I didn't want to think of anything. Which was probably the reason why I drugged myself into a sleepless stupor. It was nice just to sit there and think of absolutely nothing. It was great to just float in some cosmic swirl and not feel anything. It was like a heaven; no thought, no pain, no memories. It was like sleeping in phase 2(1) only my eyes were open and I was registering every creak, every muffled voice, every whisper in the night.

Oh. And I was definitely registering the cold metal in my hand. My faithful gun.

Ugh, get off it. I wasn't planning on using it. I wasn't that far off on the end of my rope. It was just comforting knowing that my trigger happy finger was wrapped snuggling around the pistol, ready to blow my brain to the ceiling. Or even knowing I had the ability to shoot the next person that came through the door.

But, unfortunately, nobody did step through my door. Of course there was a lot of noises behind it, such as the shuffle of footsteps as one by one, each pilot took to his bed. There was the sound of the water running, the running motor of a toothbrush going, and the soft murmur of voices in solemn goodnight. But they didn't come to my door and wish that the 'bed bugs' didn't bite me during my six hours of rest. It was almost comical of how much this related to those old talk shows on the radio. I could imagine every footstep, every breath, every blink that the ex-pilots made outside. And yet, I wasn't apart of it. I was just on the listening end of the radio waves.

Yes. Comical indeed.

I did think of a few things though. Like, by tomorrow, it would be all normal again. I had just over-reacted. It wasn't really a problem. All I had to do was smile, leave a trashy magazine that I 'forgot about' somewhere in the house and than everything would be peachy. They would think my hormones were still in fucking overdrive and that Wufei was the real one that was going into dramatics.

So why didn't this comfort me?

Why did I get sick at the thought of lying to them again?

True, I wasn't really lying. I mean, the comic did hold some pleasurable interest way back when, but now...

Well, I believe we covered that already, didn't we?

What baffled me was why I even carried that dirty thing with me all the time. I would have willingly burned it up or used it for smokin' crack (except that finger-fuckin' was screaming on each page, and that would have resulted to get me a little nauseous instead of calming me). But I guess the fact that it was always on the bottom of my bag never reminded me to chuck the thing out the nearest window. Nor do I think the passing neighborhood kids would enjoy a porno magazine thrown at their faces.

I finally moved my head at one point of the night and looked at my alarm clock that was plugged in and still sitting on the floor. Glaring, angry, red numbers bled 3:24 am, as if they, themselves, were disgusted with me as well. I could feel my drug begin to wear down and I had this unbelievable cottonmouth taste in the back of my throat. I swallowed thickly, trying to wetten the dry surface but with no success. I wouldn't be surprised if I hadn't ever swallowed once during my lapse with reality. I was very sure that I hadn't moved a muscle either, because when I stood up, my butt was so numb that it hurt.

I'm sure you wanted to hear that.

Dragging my heavy feet to the door, I opened it and slowly peeked out. I heard nothing but the soft ticking downstairs of the clock in the kitchen. There was a night-light in the wall in the middle of the hall, compliments of Quatre I presumed. I'm sure he took it into consideration that we might get up in the middle of the night to take a piss. I took another look around, waiting for sudden movement in the bedrooms to reveal that someone else was up and around. When I was positive that they were dreaming away, I walked back into the darkness of my room and dug through my bag. Like loyal magnets, I found two beer bottles swipe past my fingertips and I eagerly grabbed them. And just in case the tipple didn't work, I grabbed a couple pills as well from the little medical bottles I stuffed in. I guess the drugs I picked up must have been the new ones, but I couldn't see very well in the darkness of the room.

I couldn't wait for the fog that they would bring.

As quiet as a snake, I slithered out of my room, carrying my drugs and a few beer bottles with me.


I had wound up in the kitchen at the snack bar on one of the squeaky stools. I had downed at least one bottle and was working on my second when I had casually looked over to the hallway I had left out from my previous description. It was a solo hallway, leading to a room that could have been a music room, an office, another bedroom, or something. Quatre, of course, made it into his personal practice hall. When we were hiding out together, I would wake up early with him, make myself a cup of coffee, a cup of tea for Quatre, then waltz into the music room where he would be just rosining his bow. After putting the cup on the messy desk with all his music spread out on it, I would take my seat in a student desk on the other side of the room against the wall. I never questioned why Quatre even owned one though I could guess he was personally home schooled and had many memories in the old thing. As I drank from my mug, I would watch Quatre stand in the new morning sun from the window behind him and play a few slow, drawn-out notes as he played up the scale from D to fourth finger E. I loved watching him wiggle his very small fingers on the fingerboard, because every time he would nip his bottom lip in concentration as he stretched his short pinky on the last note to catch the right tune and still make it incredibly long and graceful. After he was done warming up, his eyes would finally leave the shiny instrument in his hands and look at his chosen piece of music for the morning, sitting and waiting for him on the black stand in front him. And then he would begin with such fury and spirit that it would physically make me flinch.

He always put so much into his violin.

Quatre even taught me a bit about how to play the violin. I remember the first day, in this very cabin, that he finished his piece, looked at me still sitting comfortably in the student seat before offering the instrument to me with a smile. He asked me to play for him and I stuttered on my next sip from my warm cup. I explained to him that I didn't know a thing about the instrument and he just laughed. He replied that the way I'd been watching him for the past few weeks, I should be able to at least put my chin on the instrument correctly and even play the first scale.

To say the least, I took the offered instrument and began to learn.

When we were separated for different battles, I continued to teach myself to impress Quatre. It really paid off. By the next time we saw each other, I had taught myself different short tunes. He was so impressed and proud of me... that he bought me a violin.

To repay him, I gave him my love.

My achy sigh was drowned out by the next gulp of my drink. This trip down memory lane certainly didn't make me feel better, nor did it explain why I left it out of my previous outlay of the house. Well, you see, it's because it wasn't important. No, really. It wasn't. It was just a stupid door at the end of the hall that I locked up a long time ago so nobody could get in.

Huh? What? Oh. I guess I should back up. Sorry, drinking kind of makes me forgetful, don't cha know. Yeah, the door is all locked up and the key is thrown away. Right after the war, I came here and dumped a lot of stuff into that room. Quatre had once given me the key to the room to lock up since he was running off for another mission. From then on, he forgot that I even had it, and I kept it, forgetting that I did as well. But one day, I saw it in my sock drawer and tried every door in my apartment to figure out what it belonged to. I only realized that it belonged to the cabin when Heero and I ran here to take care of that school mission. The very hour that Heero blew up the colony, I was on Earth and throwing a few possessions into the storage slash music room. Then I pulled out the key and locked it, intent on never stepping one foot in that ghostly room ever again.

The key is lost in the wilderness right now.

Looking away from the empty hallway, I looked at the pill next to my beer bottle before hastily picking it up. I slipped the horse pill in my mouth and downed with the burning acid of my beer before slamming the bottle back down. I laid my head on the counter and groaned, wiping my dreary eyes with tired hands. I wasn't around today to see when Quatre found out about the locked door, or around to watch his little tantrum as he realized he (but it wasn't really him, as you know) had locked one of his violins and music pieces in that room. It was mind boggling that he didn't have the door knocked down by Heero or something. Oh well. Maybe he really didn't care.

I certainly didn't.

Dragging myself from the stool and bringing a squeal of complaint with me (from the chair, you morons), I took what was left of my beer bottle and the new, unopened one and walked towards the study. I liked the study. A lot. I didn't have any memories in them. Yessum, I liked the little tidy living room. It was nice.

Did I mention I liked it?

God damnit, I sound like a fucking idiot.

Sighing, I turn away from the couch and look out the window. Actually, I didn't look out it. I just... um... looked at it. But I didn't see it. You know? Kind of like this out-of-bodiness, I wasn't really seeing, thinking, or feeling. Even if I sounded like a total moron, it was nice to not be me for a while. Oh, I like that thought. Not be me.

I sighed and as soon as I felt myself breathe for once, it was like I lost my balance. I fell back on the couch and giggled as my eyesight swirled. I was staring at the ceiling, taking sips from my beer, and felt nothing. I was at bliss. Just being nobody was ecstasy. Just being like this, with no real thought, no real acknowledge to my surroundings would make me die happy. What an oxymoron! I couldn't feel but I was happy! Haha... hahahaha...

"Oh, shit," I giggled into the night. "I am so fucking high. Ahahaha... "

When I was laughing at the darkness, I thought I heard something. I quieted, though I was still giggling and I pushed myself up (which was no easy task). I took a little bit more of my drink before I childishly I peeked over the side of the couch, putting my beer bottle in between my legs. I looked around the dark room curiously; searching for the creak in the floorboards I know I had heard.

What I saw made me want to scream bloody murder in fright. Instead I bit the couch.

Wufei and Heero were just standing there, staring at me.

Hungrily. Like hungry men.

Angrily. Ready to beat me into submission.

Seductively. I don't know why I didn't resist them.

And I just sat there. I couldn't run away.

My eyes grew so wide that it brought tears to my eyes. Or maybe the pounding of my heart did that. Whatever it was, I was ready to start bawling like a baby. My palms were so wet all of a sudden that I was getting my jeans damp as I gripped them so tight, so very tight. And they just stood there, drinking me in, for what parts they could see. Wufei's arms were crossed over his white tank top that we wore at night, black silk bottoms nearly hiding his feet in the bagginess of it all. When Heero traded in his clothes to start wearing normal clothing, he took his green top and used it now as a sleep shirt. But the funny thing was that he was wearing his spandex just like the war.

And I could see the enormous boner he had through them.

"Oh, God, no... " I whispered into the couch then said it again. I closed my eyes tightly, repeating my mantra over and over, praying that when I opened my eyes, they would get the hint and go away. When I dared to open my eyes again, I found that they were gone.

My heart leapt into my throat with joy.

Then back down again as I felt a pair of hands clamp on my shoulders.

I was whirled around quickly and I had a brief encounter of midnight blue eyes before I tried to scream. But with perfect timing that the two always caught, Heero's mouth slammed into mine and I choked on my shout for help, along with the thrusting tongue and extra saliva. I swallowed desperately, trying to breathe but finding no air at all as Heero stole it all away and my nose was pressed firmly against his cheek. His tongue twisted and probed every corner of my very used mouth. Tears were trekking down my cheeks and I beat my hands repeatedly against his chest. Get off, get off! But nothing was working. Even as I brought my fists down on that nearly naked chest, drove my teeth in that fucking tongue, and kicked my legs wildly against the hands tugging my jeans down, it was fruitless. I could feel the liquid of my beer sinking into the cushion of the couch and every time my gradually naked leg encountered it, I kept imagining the luke-warm cum that would be left over with me on the bed as my lover would get up and begin getting dressed. Just me, the sweat-filled sheets, and the passion I had spilt being sucked into the bed.

I began to fight even harder.

"Get the fuck off me!" I gasped as soon as Heero released my lips, satisfied that he had touched every corner of my burning mouth. I felt bile climb up my throat and I was just about to upchuck in Heero's face when he threw me down on the couch. I choked on the burning acid and swallowed it back down, feeling every hissing tingle as it returned to my stomach. Wufei ripped the rest of pants off and I squeaked, trying to draw up my legs to cover myself, hands diving down to my lower regions to help.

But the quick bastards caught me before I could even get an inch advantage. Wufei's claw-like grip caught my ankles and dragged the fighting limbs back down, his cool wet mouth sucking on one of my prickly legs. Heero captured my wrists and brought them above my head. And like a pro, like an experienced lover, he climbed on top of me and on my uplifted lap. His covered cock touched my fleshy, limp one and I cried harder, turning my head away to bury in my arm. Heero's hands tightened and I cried out in pain, just waiting for them to break.

Heero didn't know his strength, Heero didn't know his strength, Heero didn't know his strength, its going to be all right, just relax, he doesn't know his own strength.

Heero's weight shifted and he leaned down, lips right against my ear and his arousal bruising into my refusing one.

"Slut," he whispered. My tear-filled eyes widened, the bottom of them blurred from the liquid I was spilling everywhere. How did he know!? How did he-!?

What the fuck!?

I... was... kissing him. I was kissing Heero! I couldn't control it! I couldn't control my tongue as it thrust inside, swallowing his happy groans. I couldn't direct my sucking as I pulled his tongue back into my nearly bile-filled mouth. I didn't have the power to control the hands that he let loose to roam his entire frame. I didn't order the legs that spread all by themselves, letting Wufei's mouth skip from my ankle to my knee to my thigh.

"Whore... " Heero breathed as I let his lips free.


I was.

So, I shut my eyes.

And screamed.

It was all cut short though when a hand clamped down on my mouth.

"Maxwell! Duo! Wake up!"

What... the... fuck... ?

I peeked one eye open slowly, carefully. Onyx eyes were staring down at me, wide-eyed and worried. I stared at them and they stared at me. I wasn't naked anymore. I wasn't about to throw up. And I was beginning to think the eyes weren't real when they blinked and something warm touched my face.

"Duo... ? Are you... in there... ?"

I couldn't help it. I started laughing. The eyes seemed to be taken aback by my little outburst of giggles and pulled back. Suddenly, I could see the eyes' entire owner and I realized it was Wufei. I continued to laugh at him, throwing my hands into my hair, and gave a harsh, rough pull. Oh, I was bugging out. I was on a fucking whirlwind high. I was so high that I was...

Hallucinating! Oh fuck, that's just great!

Wufei's hands closed in on my wrists and pulled them free from my ratty hair. Once they were free, he let them go as well, and gripped my shoulders. He shook me roughly, face contorted now into determination. He even shook me so hard that my brain rattled and so did my teeth, snapping off each other like pop rocks. I made weird giggling noises to each rough jerk, almost like I was hiccupping. When I finally got tired of having the room spin as my head was tossed from side to side, I grew quiet and Wufei stopped shaking. We stared at each other in unblinking silence, my fingers digging into his wrists and his eyes burning into my teary face.

"You kissed me," Wufei said, as if he was reminding me to do a chore. I blinked at him, hands loosening. My version was beginning to swirl again and for a moment, I thought Wufei was kissing my cheek, down to my neck. I fought him wildly for a minute but he shoved me back down, grinning at me in the dark.

"Hold still, faggot," he growled and started kissing my cheek again, over and over the same spots. I hissed and dug my nails in his wrists.

"Duo! Stop it!"

My eyes opened again and flashed around wildly. Wufei was above me again, hands light on my shoulders. I made a small noise and shut my eyes again. I was just hallucinating. Calm down, Duo. Its going to be okay...

"You kissed me," Wufei repeated.

"I... know," I sighed and turned my head away quickly, eyes opening to look out the window. I could see two silhouettes of trees outside, mirroring two stars trapped in space. Flashes of color from the drug kept bursting in my gaze, like blood splattering in the air from a gunshot wound. I drank in the wild purples and million colors of blue, while I counted the minutes that passed, waiting for Wufei to make his next move. I could literally hear the tinkering of his brain as he thought carefully over his next words.

Finally, he said, "You were drinking."

"No, duh, Wufei," I sighed, wishing with all my might that I was one of those stars right now. Wishing for anything to not be with me, to be very far away from where I was right now. I'd like to be a burning ball of gas. Gas doesn't think, or feel, or... Gas isn't a being.

I hated having a will.

Wufei's hands tightened on my shoulders and I winced in pain, returning the gesture by tensing mine.

Finally, he spoke again. "Do you have any more?"


[part 4] [part 6] [back to the Singles page]