Author: Sita Seraph
See part 1 for pairings and warnings.

Abuse This + Part 6

The sun was getting right into my eyes. This really wasn't a good thing. I groaned softly and threw my hand up to block it. But I only ended up whacking myself good in the head and my light headache increased. I said 'light' because I knew headaches could indefinitely get worse and I always had head pains anyway, so it really didn't matter. Opening my eyes slowly, I blinked blearily at the blinding sunlight. I wondered what happened to my curtains - but then again, it really didn't matter if I was high last night. I probably tore them down and made them into skirts or something. Who knew. I did the weirdest stuff when I bug out.

Sighing, I drew the blankets up to my chin, tucking my hands under them and hands against my chest. I continued to stare in half awareness towards the shining Montana window, wishing that the sun would vanish behind some cloud and it would start snowing. Hell, it was possible. In Montana, anything is possible, specifically if it dealt with the weather. You could be throwing snowballs at your best friends in the morning and by the afternoon, the snow would be melted and nature shining brilliantly under the sun so that you could go out without a jacket. Don't mock me. It's happened before.

I smiled slightly as I imagined snowflakes beginning to get caught on the window glass then melting almost immediately. I shifted a bit more onto my side, curling up with a content grin as my imagination took way. In my head, rain was beating against the glass then it would turn into snow that could do more then patter against the pane. It was like a soap opera. There was sunshine, rain, and snow, all in that order. Weather couldn't make up its mind if it wanted to make the people happy, sad, or miserable. But, unfortunately or fortunately, the weather never bothered me.

I was always miserable.

Grinning with a sad smile, I sighed again before burying my nose in my pillow. I breathed in deeply, eyes closing, and taking in the sweaty scent with stride-

Wait a minute.

... S-Sweaty?

My eyes opened slowly and I took in another short whiff. Then another. Then another. The pillow smelt horrible, something that haunted me in my dreams. It was pure sweat, excessive fluids soaking the bed sheets. I recoiled in horror, sitting up on an elbow and staring at the pillow I had snuggled up with. How could this be? Quatre had changed every sheet in the house, replacing all the linens with clean, non-dusty, and fresh wear for the cots. There would be no reason for my pillow to smell so much like...

And then, on recognizing another short detail, I realized I was naked.

Confused, I freed my hand from under the covers and felt my bent, covered knee. Then up to my thigh. I wasn't wearing my jeans anymore. I felt my warm flesh under the thin sheet of the bed. I felt the other leg just to be certain and it was confirmed. I was naked. But why? I never slept in the nude anymore; not since the end of the war. I either slept in my clothes or fully-covered PJ's. I felt more secure that way. I couldn't stand to be naked anymore besides getting in the shower. So... where were my clothes?

I looked about my room, in search of where I threw them in my high state. But something caught my attention. Slowly, I leaned over the bed and picked up a small shoe. It was black, normal looking, with socks right next to its companion before I removed it from its place, and looked remotely harmless. Besides being a little stinky, there was nothing unordinary about the polished foot covering.

Well, besides the fact that it wasn't mine.

It was then that I began to realize something. The window of my room wasn't in the right place, it was in the far left, almost near the corner. My bed was positioned by the door, while my bed seemed to move to the other side of the room last night. And I had left everything of mine still in its boxes and bags, but I found none on the floor surrounding me. Everything had to be in the closet, which was also in the wrong place, because it was where the window should be.

I blinked, staring at everything around me in confusion. It was like a nymph had moved everything around on me during the AM hours. It was all different in the sunlight. Puzzled, I sat up on one hand and put my other hand behind me to keep my balance.

When I encountered something damp and cold.

I froze completely, eyes fixed on the crumpled sheets that weren't mine. My covers were black and blue. These ones were brown and white. I stared at them with rising horror, everything gradually getting clearer like the sun gradually getting higher in the sky, mocking me for my stupidity. With a trembling hand, I lifted it off the damp area, dripping fingers just above the sheets. My heart was pounding hard, especially when I partook greedily of air. It throbbed between my two naked breasts; the second beat always harder then the first. With a strangled sob that I finally released, I lifted my hand to my face. I knew the smell instantly. Oh, I knew that smell too well. I could even taste that bitter liquid on my tongue and I fought the sudden nausea that spun my world. And you know the only thing I could say right at that moment?

"Oh, shit."

I closed my trembling hand slowly into a fist, then opened it again. Then closed it. Open. Close. Open. Close. I did this for a few quiet moments, trying to calm myself from throwing up, trying to pretend that what I knew with all my soul was just a hunch, trying to drown out the horror that was choking off my breath. I didn't want to look. I didn't want to see. I didn't want to know.

Then why did I turn my head? Why did I look at the sleeping form on the other side of the bed?

When I did, I stopped breathing all together. Simply stopped moving, stopped thinking. Yet, I acknowledged the familiar, rigid back line. I knew the tan flesh that milked from the sun shining brilliantly.

I knew every part of Wufei too well.

I tried to swallow then, but when I did, I tried to breathe. This sent me immediately in a coughing fit, hands flying to my drowning throat. And this sent a chain reaction to my stomach that had been coiling with agonizing sickness in the past 15 minutes, to begin throwing up. Which I did. I gagged up the first amount, leaning over the bed and letting it slip out of an all too willing mouth. I scrambled out of bed then, slipping on the tiled floors and letting dribbles of puke splatter to the floor as I tried to make it out the room. I heard Wufei rustle in the bed behind me just as I passed out the door, another wave of nausea over taking me and sending me overboard. I stopped dead in my tracks and wretched out my stomach, head tossing to the ground. I was getting vomit in my hair, all over my feet, and more 'importantly', the carpeted hallway. But I didn't give a fuck. All I cared about was getting away from the muffled "Maxwell? Duo?" from Wufei as he got out of bed. I coughed, and gagged some more before finding the strength in my wobbly and weakening legs to throw myself in the bathroom. And throw myself I did, as I landed with a thud in the cold tiled lavatory and kicked the door shut behind me. I didn't even have a chance to rest before my sweaty body dragged itself up to my hands and knees and promptly threw my head in the toilet.

I had never seen more ucky, retched, digested particles in my life.

+

"Duo... please come out."

"No."

This had been going on for an hour. After I was done throwing up everything my stomach possessed, I had given into gagging and dry heaving. When I got that part of myself under control, I had flushed the toilet, washed out my mouth with luscious water, locked the door and immediately sat down.

Just to stare at nothing.

Consciously, I felt tears trail down my cheeks but I did not feel them. I didn't feel anything. Except horror. And disgust. Everything else was nothing... Everything...

//"Fuck, Wufei... you're so hot... "//

I mean, what did it matter anymore? Who cared about what I wanted? Who cared that I was seriously thinking of taking my razor and shedding my skin off? Who cared if I felt like dying right now?

//"Mmm, yes... Wufei... Touch me there... touch... Ohhh, nggghhh, yesss... "//

What... was wrong with me? How could I loath their touches so much, then get a little off my rocker and go get screwed against the headboard? How could I want it when I got sick every time I thought about it?

//"Damnit... Wufei! Just fucking shove it in, already!"//

And I had wanted it. Oh, God, it was so true. I had wanted it so bad that I nearly didn't have enough breath to tell Wufei to take it upstairs. All it took was one kiss and my hormones were going fucking crazy. I was all over him, ripping his clothes off, moaning like a little pussy... and then he was all over me, shoving me to the kitchen table, biting my neck with throaty groans, kneading my covered groin with rough strokes...

Oh, God, make it stop!! I thought, screwing my eyes shut.

But I didn't want him to stop then. I just spread my legs like a little pussy whore and told him to fuck me already and get it over with. I was going so crazy that I was ready to finger fuck myself-

STOP, STOP, STOP! I screamed internally, just opposite from what I said the night before.

-and if he didn't shove that fucking cock of his up my ass right then and now, I would cut the shitty thing off and do it myself.

I started gagging again, my hands fisting in my hair and I tumbled to the toilet. Unconsciously, I knew I had nothing more to give... but I hoped to God that the cum that I swallowed hadn't digested in my system already.

Oh, God.

What was wrong with me... ?

I started sobbing against the seat, cheek pressed against the used plastic. But I didn't care if it had pee all over it... I felt so dirty as it was, what did it matter if I had a little more? I was beginning to shake, just hoping I was going into shock or having a heart attack or something to just end my miserable life. I didn't want to live anymore. Even when I knew what would happen if I was touched again, I still acted like a whore at the first offer and bent over to take it like a good bitch. I sobbed harder, aching for breath but I couldn't stop my train of thought, just like I couldn't stop my legs from spreading when the sight of a cock appeared.

//Good, Duo... arch those legs in the air and take my cock in like a good slut. That's it, baby... now I want you to fuck yourself... Oh, yeahh... //

"Oh, God, stop," I sobbed into the seat, lips kissing the lid. But the mental images kept coming; I kept seeing myself fuck all the pilots and then even miscellaneous men that had no faces. But what did it matter? Nothing mattered but the dick and the hole. Who cared about faces? Who cared about Duo Maxwell as long as he's a good fucking lay!?

"Duo... please... "

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE DOOR!" I yelled and sobbed, falling to the floor. I curled up like a baby and threw my head in my hands, trying to make it all stop, trying to rid myself of the dirt crawling up my skin. But it was there; it was always there. I always felt it, with every move I made. I always felt my destiny, to be the cumbucket, and be nothing else. I wasn't Duo Maxwell. There never was Duo Maxwell.

Just the slut. //"Harder... uh, harder... oh, uh, oh, har... har... "//

Just the whore. //"I'm so horny, Wufei... shove it... IN! Ah!"//

Duo never existed. //"Oh, fuck, Wufei!!"//

Whore. //"Let me suck you... let me suck you so hard... Wu... "//

Bitch. //"Hit me again... oh! Do it again! OH!! AHH!"//

"Duo, open this door right now!"

I cried harder, hyper ventilating and sobbing, wailing against the tiles of floor. I didn't care if they heard me. I didn't care. Let them know. Let them all know. Let them find out who I truly was. Let them find out each other's secrets. Let them forget about Duo, the boy who died on L2. Let them get to know the whore... who was... always willing... to spread his legs.

"Duo! Oh, my god! Duo!"

Let them know... Let them know...

I barely even flinched when the door was broken open.

+

Why?

I was counting the quilt patches. It was comforting; even a little distracting. It helped me clear my head, helped me stay calm. In fact, I'd never been calmer in my life, then sitting here in my bed with Quatre's sisters' quilts buried over me. Even the warm mug of hot chocolate in my hand (Quatre thought it would cheer me up) was soothing, even though I had yet to take a sip of it. Just rubbing my fingertips up and down over the smooth glass was sending me off in a world where feelings were nonexistent. It kept me on that 'other level' where everything seemed like a dream, that the things happening to me truly belonged to someone else that I was witnessing. It was almost like I was on a drug...

Oh, God.

I sighed heavily and let my head roll forward, my chin touching my chest. My loose hair curtained around me and I was thankful of the darkness shadowing the corners of my eyes. I was not thankful though that there was nothing in here that I could throw. Or, at least, that's how I felt when Quatre and Trowa had carried me in here. I fought them the whole way, of course, since their disgusting hands were all over my filthy naked flesh. I screamed and clawed at them to let me go, to not touch me. They didn't listen; in fact, I thought they even enjoyed putting bruises on my arms and legs. I know Trowa did; he did it all the time. Especially after I nailed him in the cock with a free fist. I felt Wufei and Heero watching from their positions of their rooms and I could just imagine both of their faces. Heero would be scolding, wishing that I would act my age. I believe he would have even offered to knock me out if the two fucking love birds didn't have it under control. Wufei, yeah, well, it took me a moment to figure out what he must be thinking. But eventually I resulted that he must be questioning his own sanity when he slept with little ol' slut, Duo Maxwell.

When they finally threw me on their bed (since it was the closest and they couldn't hold onto me forever), Quatre went to go help Trowa with some ice then came back and checked on me. I didn't even look at him; I couldn't. I didn't answer his questions either. I just stared out the window, the fight draining from me each passing second and falling into the hole of despair. I knew lifeless tears were coursing down my cheeks and Quatre would wipe them away before they got too far. He sounded so concerned, so worried, and so hurt that I wouldn't even spare him a glance. He begged me; literally begged me. He even hugged me, the bastard. And guess what I did?

I shoved him back so hard that he nearly fell off the bed. He cried out in surprise; but I didn't care. I just dropped my hands from his shoulders and continued to look with dead interest out the window. He stared at me, wide-eyed, and so innocently confused. Innocent because he didn't know. Confused because he was a fucking idiot.

Eventually, he left me alone after a short drop-off with my drink.

I placed my head gently against the headboard. I had stopped crying a while ago; I had stopped feeling 15 minutes ago. It was almost like it never happened. I didn't rip little Wuffie's clothes off. I didn't let him stick his dick in my mouth or my hole. I didn't scream happily into the pillow as he drove into me faster than a Mustang. I didn't feel it. I didn't even taste the hot chocolate as I took the first sip.

I didn't know if this was a good thing. Or a bad thing.

I heard someone enter. I didn't bother to look. I was too busy not caring. I felt the bed move as someone sat down on it, on the other side and out of my vision. Whoever it was sighed, almost thankfully, for some reason. My curiosity began to stir but I didn't move. My eyes were glued to the window.

Suddenly, something landed in my lap and my eyes widened then jerked down to see what it was. Wufei's head was resting on my legs, looking as if he had been there the whole time. He was looking up at me with glittering eyes, as if he was happy. I stared at him, eyes getting larger. He smirked lightly and got on his elbows, head lifting away.

"Hey."

I just kept staring at the spot where he was laying. Already my blood was hissing with dirt and I recoiled when I saw his hand reach to touch my cheek from the corner of my eye. Not missing a beat, Wufei instead ran his snaky digits through my hair. I squeezed my eyes shut, praying that I had fallen asleep and this was some very odd dream.

"I'm not suppose to be in here," Wufei whispered, rubbing his thumb and forefinger against a strand repeatedly. "So, we'll have to be quiet."

No problemo, I thought sulkily. I had no trouble not saying a damn word. Forever.

"Are you okay?" Wufei asked and ran his knuckles on my jaw, strands of my chestnut hair still caught between his fingers. I flinched and jerked my head away.

"Don't... " I started but my voice caught. I tried again after a moment. "Don't touch me."

"You weren't saying that last night," Wufei smiled and got up to lean down on his hand. He moved forward to kiss my pale face but I moved quickly. I threw off the covers and tossed my legs over the side, turning my back to him. Wufei grew completely still behind me.

"I was drunk," I said flatly, head falling forward. I felt Wufei's fingers release my hair suddenly.

"What?" Wufei mumbled. There was a certain tone in his voice and for the life of me, I couldn't recognize it. I was just so tired, tired of caring. Tired of feeling dirty every day. Tired of sewing my lips shut.

"Duo... you don't... "

"I do," I replied harshly, hugging myself tightly.

"Oh... Duo... " Wufei whispered and his arms began to wind around my neck. I stiffened and shook him off quickly, which he complied to.

"I said," I told him. "Not to touch me."

"Please Duo. Can't I just say something?" Wufei pleaded and I felt his hand stroke my spine. I hissed and whirled a hand back, smacking it off and meeting his gaze with cold, dead eyes. But his... his were...

Oh, my God.

Wufei looked hurt. Broken even, worse then Quatre when I dodge his gentle touches left and right. Something bubbled inside of me, something unfamiliar yet... recognizable. Something I haven't felt for the longest time.

Cold, maddening pleasure.

I had hurt Wufei. I was returning the pain he gave to me.

And I was far from done.

"No," I said firmly, jerking off the sheets off the bed and wrapping it around my waist. "If you really wanted to say something, you should have said it months ago. Many fucking months ago. But it's too late, Romeo."

"No, Duo. Please... just wait... "

"Wait!? Wait for you!? You know how long I waited!?" I screeched hysterically. I started to feel again. And I didn't want to. I wanted to be a blank monster again. I wanted to be back in coma state, where they couldn't reach me with their hands, with their looks, with their words.

"I won't crawl back to you," I said and started sniffling, wet liquid falling all over again. My cheeks burned with shame that I was crying. I ducked my head; trying to hide it, hide the pain being seen so openly. When that only increased the water flow, I threw my head upwards, trying to make the wound pour back inside.

And I felt Wufei's arms surround my waist and hug me desperately.

"Give me a chance... " Wufei whispered. "Just one more chance... "

I didn't say anything. I didn't even push him away immediately. I just stood there, letting Wufei's arms support my weakening body. Then, slowly, I lifted my arms and pushed him back. Not hard, like Quatre. Just a gentle notice that I didn't appreciate the flesh around my torso. He complied immediately and sat back on his heels, looking at me hopefully. I didn't spare him a glance. Instead, I redid my little skirt with shaking hands and promptly walked out of the room.

+

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