by Sita Seraph
See part 1 for pairings and warnings.


Note: >.< This was the most frustrating part I've ever written for this story. And everyone knows about my little rule of 'give feedback when you only have time'. Well, I'm going to tweek it a bit today. "Give Feedback when you have something inspiring to say". Heh. I really need it. I've been talking to Makiko while I was revising this for the last time, third time in fact, and she knows how nervous I am about posting this. ^_^ So, tell me your favorite part, your gut reactions... I want to know if I hit you guys anyway. Good day and thanks for waiting patiently! *bows*
Special Thanks: To Dacia, who finally gave in to host this story. Arigato!
And, of course, to Masamune who stuck with me through this whole frustrating ideal... even when I was frustrated with him. ^_^
For some reason, I feel like I'm missing someone to thank... Gomen nasai, I'll remember probably right after I post this. >.< But, just for that special case, THANK YOU ALL who became good fans for this story and who never failed to write even the smallest review to stand out from those people. *bows* Thank you for your patience while I tried my best on this part.
And now, let the fireworks begin! ^_^ Happy 4th of July everyone!

Abuse This + Part 7

It was no easy task escaping. I nearly bulldozed Quatre over and ran Heero through a wall. Trowa was the lucky one, having to stay on the couch since his balls hurt too much. Quatre's begging and Heero's curses still rang in my head. I had to get out; out from the house that was nothing but memories, away from Wufei who I didn't see when I ran out of my room. I was a jumble of emotion, back in my room as I hurried to throw on my clothes. I wanted to run away from there, away from them. I wanted, then, to rip off my own skin, claw it off, and paste it on the walls. I wanted to run from my jumbled mind, crack it open on the windowsill and pull it right out. I wanted to throw myself into the walls, bounce off them like little bouncing balls. I wanted to tear out my hair, not even bothering to take a knife to it, so I could have the pleasure of pulling out each and every greasy strand. I wanted to return all this pain, all this goddamn, fucking agony to the men that caused it, that drove me to this insanity. Give it to them on a golden plate. Shove it up their asses like their cocks drove into mine.

After running from the house, I found myself at the lake; staring at the ripples I created each time I threw a rock into the water.

Strangely enough, the ripples were comforting me. They gave me something to stare at, gave me something to forget. They didn't make me think, they didn't force me to feel. They were just there, like my drugs. They soothed me, held me, made everything bad in the world go away. Like my drugs. But just like them, they needed a recharge. A new hit, or a new rock. And every time I paused to continue the cycle, everything would come rushing back. But I knew, just beyond all these memories of mine, was the cover of calmness. It's all I needed. Just something like that. Something I never had.

But there was always the premonition. The knowledge that pain stood overhead, and it was going to strike every time the comfort stopped. Like a hammer banging on my head. Like the first, forceful thrust that ripped everything the relief put together into shreds. Agony, comfort, pain, reassurance; a never-ending cycle.

Does it ever end?

I sighed heavily, leaning hard against my knees. I didn't think it ever did. Maybe this was just my life. To always be sorry for myself. To always wish for something more. To always cry, and whine, and... be simply screwed up. To blame everybody else for my problems. To be the real deadly cause of my pain. The one who spread his legs, the one who opened his mouth, the one that started it all.

Sometimes, I felt I like I was choking on it.

On my pain.

Sometimes, I felt I was drowning in it.

In my hate.

Sometimes, I felt buried in it.

In my fury.

And I did nothing to solve the problem.

I crossed my ankles slowly, the rocks surrounding the log I was on cracking against each other on my movement. I sent another rock to its doom with a quick twist of my wrist, my eyes feeling heavy as I stared out across the pond. I wondered then if I really even should care about myself anymore. I mean... I... Did it matter what my mind wanted and what my body did not? Everything was so screwed up inside of me. Maybe I was just fooling myself...

Maybe I was insane.

I closed my eyes slowly and hung my head. The ripples were gone. The pain was back. The memories of all their hands, of all their mouths licking and teasing and stroking my skin endlessly. Always so dirty... I couldn't wash it away because it was inside of me. I couldn't empty the filth that had soaked into my veins. I couldn't wash it away when it was in my genes, in my cells, in my head. The dirt that kept surrounding my brain... making me want to scream.

My eyes were wet.

My tears were dirty as well. They were the same tears that I spilled on the pillows when I just let them take what they wanted. The same tears when I shut myself up in the closet and poured each and every one of them onto Trowa's shirt.

These were the only crystals of dirt that I could wipe away. The only opening that seeped the agony and the filth out.

Now you know why I wish I could just open up my skin.

+

Dusk... was a very beautiful thing. It gave the world a new color before the darkness set in. It made everything gold... the trees, the water, the ground, the log... even me. It made my pale skin look tan, something I've never been my entire life. I appreciated the sun then; it was like it was trying to give me something that I never had. Trying to make me look normal, fit in with everything else that was surrounding me. I was warm, just like the rocks. I was vibrant, just like the water. I was alive, just like the trees. I was apart of something, not left out, not betrayed by the environment.

I realized that I really did want to live in Montana.

I was still sitting there when dusk fell. I was still watching the ripples of the water when I heard footsteps approach. I swallowed thickly and hung my head lower, shadowing my gaze away from the golden licked water. The rocks informed me of the stranger's presence, of how close he was to me. I prayed to the sun that it would not give its golden glow to this stranger; to not accept him into the beauty that I was welcomed into.

"Don't you think you should come home now?" He asked.

I shook my head quickly, like a spoiled child. The short strands from my hair, the ones that slipped from my hastily made braid, slapped my cheeks with their soft tentacles. I lifted my head and continued my search in the horizon, the search for something I didn't know if I could find. The stranger behind me sighed and took a few steps up from behind me. I could feel him just behind me; I could hear the rustle of his jeans as he placed his hands into his pockets. Then he grew still and I knew he was searching the same horizon I was endlessly looking at. What he was searching for, I didn't know. But we lapsed into silence, and I can't tell you now if I was comfortable with just our two breathings filling the void of the birds lightly singing in the distance. Or uncomfortable with his presence, my shadow becoming one with his. I just held myself, my windbreaker making gentle noise as I closed my arms around myself and tucked my legs closer. It was getting colder... Why didn't he say something... ?

"I've always liked it here," he said suddenly and I stopped my shifting, eyes darting to the water that was lapping against the wet rocks. A couple of my bangs got caught in my eyelashes but I didn't push them away.

"Its... its nice," he continued shakily. "I've got good memories here."

Oh, God, I thought, eyes closing.

"Why... Don't you?" He asked slowly and I could feel his stare at the back of my neck. I wished I could have shook it off, I wished I could have said something to make him go away. I didn't want this... not now.

"What happened?" He asked. "What happened to you?"

I didn't answer him.

"This morning... " He whispered. "Why?"

I couldn't answer him.

"I've... never seen you like that," he continued softly and I heard him kneel behind me. My eyes closed tighter. "You... you looked like... " He stopped, falling into the silence to listen to the gentle tap of the water stroking the land over and over again. I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. I sat still, hugging myself tighter, waiting, and waiting... just until I couldn't stand it anymore.

"Like what, Heero?" I asked him slowly. When minutes passed between us. When I could feel nothing but his breath on my neck.

"I... " He said shakily, trailing off with nothing to say. My lips parted, my eyes squeezed shut a little bit tighter.

"Like I wanted to die?" I whispered, the words barely leaving my lips. I opened my eyes, parting them just slightly. They were wet again, the pain just beginning to stir and bubble over.

"Did I look insane?" I asked him, not daring to bring my voice farther then a whisper. Not challenging the tears on the tilting surface to break with my voice.

"Did I look wrong to you?" I continued softly, my head falling slowly. A tear trickled free from the corner of my eye, slowing down on my cheekbone, until it held, as if frozen by the dirt covering my face.

"No," Heero answered immediately but his voice cracked. And I knew what he would say next. There was barely even a pause, before I heard the rustle of his head falling.

"Yes," he breathed and I heard his hands fall onto the rocks below us as he nearly lost his balance. "Please... Duo... "

"Please what, Heero?" I asked, my eyes filling again.

"Just tell me... Just tell me, Duo... " He begged softly. Why was he like this now? Why was he so soft when no one else was watching? Why could I feel him wanting to touch me, wanting to hold me? Why was it now that he was so careful about my feelings, when he was around other people, he would crash them down without notice, without care, without knowing? Why the special treatment when nobody would see it? "Please... Just... "

"Tell you what?" I asked and another tear fell from the same eye. It slowed then stopped next to its companion. "Tell you the truth... ?"

"Anything... " he replied. I shook my head only once and immediately his arms were around me. I stiffened in shock, a gasp parting from my cracked lips, and my spine bent to the position it wasn't suppose to go by the unexpected attack. I felt him bury the side of his face against my shoulder blade, arms sickeningly tight and trapping my limbs to me. I closed my eyes tightly, my spine burning in pain from my stiff body and tilted my head up, trying to keep my face away from his hair. My two tears that were once frozen suddenly continued on their way and caught on my jaw... paused... then fell away, leaving as the only evidence a wet trail of their existence.

"Heero," I choked and he suddenly released me. And just as quickly I was spun around, not even given the time to open my eyes, when his lips melted into mine. I breathed in sharply and he intruded into my cavern, into the dirty cave, while his arms held me close. I felt his heart beat sharply against my chest, pounding into a rhythm he found all on his own. And it was slow. Ever, so slow. Nothing, at first, but a gentle caress. Nothing but being held too close and be joined at the lips. He scooped my mouth gently, reintroducing himself to the moist walls within. His hands stroked my back, massaged my waist.

My tears fell heavier because I knew it wouldn't last. And because I didn't fight back.

I was spun around again and forced down onto the rocks by Heero's body. His tongue began to get quicker, his massaging turning more hasty. And all I did was lie there. Who cared if Duo didn't want his lips kissed? Who cared if Duo didn't want the hands removing his pants? Who cared what he wanted? Heero didn't seem to notice my non-responding body. He seemed to just enjoy swallowing both of our saliva and feeling my body all over, just like so many endless nights before. As long as he got what he wanted, he was content.

Heero slowly released my lips and started trailing those ugly lips down my neck. And I lay there; staring at the sky as the gold began to get overrode with the darkness. My hands stayed lazily against the rocks, limp and curled fingers reaching for heaven, above my head where they'd fallen when I was tossed back. I stared at the first star I saw even after Heero removed both my jacket and my shirt over my head.

Star Bright, Star Light... I mouthed to myself as Heero's burning lips kissed around my stomach, trying to earn a response from me... or at least, I hoped he was. Or maybe he just needed me again to wipe off his concerns like a clean slate. To erase all the pain, to forget all the previous questions. Nobody can stop their nasty habits...

Even me.

... First star I see tonight. I wish, I may... His lips were sucking at my nipple, like a fond baby. And like the traitor it was, the stupid thing responded, standing up hard and straight for Heero's tongue.

... I wish, I might. My pants were down and I closed my eyes.

Have this wish I wish tonight.

I wish... I didn't feel.

+

[cont]