by Sita Seraph
See part 1 for pairings and warnings.
Note: >.< This was the most frustrating part I've ever written for
this story. And everyone knows about my little rule of 'give feedback
when you only have time'. Well, I'm going to tweek it a bit today. "Give
Feedback when you have something inspiring to say". Heh. I really
need it. I've been talking to Makiko while I was revising this for the
last time, third time in fact, and she knows how nervous I am about posting
this. ^_^ So, tell me your favorite part, your gut reactions... I want
to know if I hit you guys anyway. Good day and thanks for waiting patiently!
Special Thanks: To Dacia, who finally gave in to host this story. Arigato!
And, of course, to Masamune who stuck with me through this whole frustrating
ideal... even when I was frustrated with him. ^_^
For some reason, I feel like I'm missing someone to thank... Gomen nasai,
I'll remember probably right after I post this. >.< But, just for
that special case, THANK YOU ALL who became good fans for this story and
who never failed to write even the smallest review to stand out from those
people. *bows* Thank you for your patience while I tried my best on this
And now, let the fireworks begin! ^_^ Happy 4th of July everyone!
This + Part 7
It was no easy task escaping.
I nearly bulldozed Quatre over and ran Heero through a wall. Trowa was
the lucky one, having to stay on the couch since his balls hurt too much.
Quatre's begging and Heero's curses still rang in my head. I had to get
out; out from the house that was nothing but memories, away from Wufei
who I didn't see when I ran out of my room. I was a jumble of emotion,
back in my room as I hurried to throw on my clothes. I wanted to run away
from there, away from them. I wanted, then, to rip off my own skin, claw
it off, and paste it on the walls. I wanted to run from my jumbled mind,
crack it open on the windowsill and pull it right out. I wanted to throw
myself into the walls, bounce off them like little bouncing balls. I wanted
to tear out my hair, not even bothering to take a knife to it, so I could
have the pleasure of pulling out each and every greasy strand. I wanted
to return all this pain, all this goddamn, fucking agony to the men that
caused it, that drove me to this insanity. Give it to them on a golden
plate. Shove it up their asses like their cocks drove into mine.
After running from the house, I found myself at the lake; staring at the
ripples I created each time I threw a rock into the water.
Strangely enough, the ripples were comforting me. They gave me something
to stare at, gave me something to forget. They didn't make me think, they
didn't force me to feel. They were just there, like my drugs. They soothed
me, held me, made everything bad in the world go away. Like my drugs.
But just like them, they needed a recharge. A new hit, or a new rock.
And every time I paused to continue the cycle, everything would come rushing
back. But I knew, just beyond all these memories of mine, was the cover
of calmness. It's all I needed. Just something like that. Something I
But there was always the premonition. The knowledge that pain stood overhead,
and it was going to strike every time the comfort stopped. Like a hammer
banging on my head. Like the first, forceful thrust that ripped everything
the relief put together into shreds. Agony, comfort, pain, reassurance;
a never-ending cycle.
Does it ever end?
I sighed heavily, leaning hard against my knees. I didn't think it ever
did. Maybe this was just my life. To always be sorry for myself. To always
wish for something more. To always cry, and whine, and... be simply screwed
up. To blame everybody else for my problems. To be the real deadly cause
of my pain. The one who spread his legs, the one who opened his mouth,
the one that started it all.
Sometimes, I felt I like I was choking on it.
On my pain.
Sometimes, I felt I was drowning in it.
In my hate.
Sometimes, I felt buried in it.
In my fury.
And I did nothing to solve the problem.
I crossed my ankles slowly, the rocks surrounding the log I was on cracking
against each other on my movement. I sent another rock to its doom with
a quick twist of my wrist, my eyes feeling heavy as I stared out across
the pond. I wondered then if I really even should care about myself anymore.
I mean... I... Did it matter what my mind wanted and what my body did
not? Everything was so screwed up inside of me. Maybe I was just fooling
Maybe I was insane.
I closed my eyes slowly and hung my head. The ripples were gone. The pain
was back. The memories of all their hands, of all their mouths licking
and teasing and stroking my skin endlessly. Always so dirty... I couldn't
wash it away because it was inside of me. I couldn't empty the filth that
had soaked into my veins. I couldn't wash it away when it was in my genes,
in my cells, in my head. The dirt that kept surrounding my brain... making
me want to scream.
My eyes were wet.
My tears were dirty as well. They were the same tears that I spilled on
the pillows when I just let them take what they wanted. The same tears
when I shut myself up in the closet and poured each and every one of them
onto Trowa's shirt.
These were the only crystals of dirt that I could wipe away. The only
opening that seeped the agony and the filth out.
Now you know why I wish I could just open up my skin.
Dusk... was a very beautiful thing. It gave the world a new color before
the darkness set in. It made everything gold... the trees, the water,
the ground, the log... even me. It made my pale skin look tan, something
I've never been my entire life. I appreciated the sun then; it was like
it was trying to give me something that I never had. Trying to make me
look normal, fit in with everything else that was surrounding me. I was
warm, just like the rocks. I was vibrant, just like the water. I was alive,
just like the trees. I was apart of something, not left out, not betrayed
by the environment.
I realized that I really did want to live in Montana.
I was still sitting there when dusk fell. I was still watching the ripples
of the water when I heard footsteps approach. I swallowed thickly and
hung my head lower, shadowing my gaze away from the golden licked water.
The rocks informed me of the stranger's presence, of how close he was
to me. I prayed to the sun that it would not give its golden glow to this
stranger; to not accept him into the beauty that I was welcomed into.
"Don't you think you should come home now?" He asked.
I shook my head quickly, like a spoiled child. The short strands from
my hair, the ones that slipped from my hastily made braid, slapped my
cheeks with their soft tentacles. I lifted my head and continued my search
in the horizon, the search for something I didn't know if I could find.
The stranger behind me sighed and took a few steps up from behind me.
I could feel him just behind me; I could hear the rustle of his jeans
as he placed his hands into his pockets. Then he grew still and I knew
he was searching the same horizon I was endlessly looking at. What he
was searching for, I didn't know. But we lapsed into silence, and I can't
tell you now if I was comfortable with just our two breathings filling
the void of the birds lightly singing in the distance. Or uncomfortable
with his presence, my shadow becoming one with his. I just held myself,
my windbreaker making gentle noise as I closed my arms around myself and
tucked my legs closer. It was getting colder... Why didn't he say something...
"I've always liked it here," he said suddenly and I stopped
my shifting, eyes darting to the water that was lapping against the wet
rocks. A couple of my bangs got caught in my eyelashes but I didn't push
"Its... its nice," he continued shakily. "I've got good
Oh, God, I thought, eyes closing.
"Why... Don't you?" He asked slowly and I could feel his stare
at the back of my neck. I wished I could have shook it off, I wished I
could have said something to make him go away. I didn't want this... not
"What happened?" He asked. "What happened to you?"
I didn't answer him.
"This morning... " He whispered. "Why?"
I couldn't answer him.
"I've... never seen you like that," he continued softly and
I heard him kneel behind me. My eyes closed tighter. "You... you
looked like... " He stopped, falling into the silence to listen to
the gentle tap of the water stroking the land over and over again. I waited
for him to continue, but he didn't. I sat still, hugging myself tighter,
waiting, and waiting... just until I couldn't stand it anymore.
"Like what, Heero?" I asked him slowly. When minutes passed
between us. When I could feel nothing but his breath on my neck.
"I... " He said shakily, trailing off with nothing to say. My
lips parted, my eyes squeezed shut a little bit tighter.
"Like I wanted to die?" I whispered, the words barely leaving
my lips. I opened my eyes, parting them just slightly. They were wet again,
the pain just beginning to stir and bubble over.
"Did I look insane?" I asked him, not daring to bring my voice
farther then a whisper. Not challenging the tears on the tilting surface
to break with my voice.
"Did I look wrong to you?" I continued softly, my head falling
slowly. A tear trickled free from the corner of my eye, slowing down on
my cheekbone, until it held, as if frozen by the dirt covering my face.
"No," Heero answered immediately but his voice cracked. And
I knew what he would say next. There was barely even a pause, before I
heard the rustle of his head falling.
"Yes," he breathed and I heard his hands fall onto the rocks
below us as he nearly lost his balance. "Please... Duo... "
"Please what, Heero?" I asked, my eyes filling again.
"Just tell me... Just tell me, Duo... " He begged softly. Why
was he like this now? Why was he so soft when no one else was watching?
Why could I feel him wanting to touch me, wanting to hold me? Why was
it now that he was so careful about my feelings, when he was around other
people, he would crash them down without notice, without care, without
knowing? Why the special treatment when nobody would see it? "Please...
"Tell you what?" I asked and another tear fell from the same
eye. It slowed then stopped next to its companion. "Tell you the
"Anything... " he replied. I shook my head only once and immediately
his arms were around me. I stiffened in shock, a gasp parting from my
cracked lips, and my spine bent to the position it wasn't suppose to go
by the unexpected attack. I felt him bury the side of his face against
my shoulder blade, arms sickeningly tight and trapping my limbs to me.
I closed my eyes tightly, my spine burning in pain from my stiff body
and tilted my head up, trying to keep my face away from his hair. My two
tears that were once frozen suddenly continued on their way and caught
on my jaw... paused... then fell away, leaving as the only evidence a
wet trail of their existence.
"Heero," I choked and he suddenly released me. And just as quickly
I was spun around, not even given the time to open my eyes, when his lips
melted into mine. I breathed in sharply and he intruded into my cavern,
into the dirty cave, while his arms held me close. I felt his heart beat
sharply against my chest, pounding into a rhythm he found all on his own.
And it was slow. Ever, so slow. Nothing, at first, but a gentle caress.
Nothing but being held too close and be joined at the lips. He scooped
my mouth gently, reintroducing himself to the moist walls within. His
hands stroked my back, massaged my waist.
My tears fell heavier because I knew it wouldn't last. And because I didn't
I was spun around again and forced down onto the rocks by Heero's body.
His tongue began to get quicker, his massaging turning more hasty. And
all I did was lie there. Who cared if Duo didn't want his lips kissed?
Who cared if Duo didn't want the hands removing his pants? Who cared what
he wanted? Heero didn't seem to notice my non-responding body. He seemed
to just enjoy swallowing both of our saliva and feeling my body all over,
just like so many endless nights before. As long as he got what he wanted,
he was content.
Heero slowly released my lips and started trailing those ugly lips down
my neck. And I lay there; staring at the sky as the gold began to get
overrode with the darkness. My hands stayed lazily against the rocks,
limp and curled fingers reaching for heaven, above my head where they'd
fallen when I was tossed back. I stared at the first star I saw even after
Heero removed both my jacket and my shirt over my head.
Star Bright, Star Light... I mouthed to myself as Heero's burning lips
kissed around my stomach, trying to earn a response from me... or at least,
I hoped he was. Or maybe he just needed me again to wipe off his concerns
like a clean slate. To erase all the pain, to forget all the previous
questions. Nobody can stop their nasty habits...
... First star I see tonight. I wish, I may... His lips were sucking at
my nipple, like a fond baby. And like the traitor it was, the stupid thing
responded, standing up hard and straight for Heero's tongue.
... I wish, I might. My pants were down and I closed my eyes.
Have this wish I wish tonight.
I wish... I didn't feel.