Abuse This + Part 7 (cont)

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We laid out there long after we should have. Actually, Heero had fallen asleep and I... I had just laid there. Staring at the star glittered skies. His arm was thrown over my stomach, his face against the pebbles. Breathing lightly against my shoulder. I just lay there. He seemed content all over again. Laying peacefully in the outdoors. The small whistles of crickets far off. I just lay there. I lay there for hours... I didn't move at all. I was back in my void, my emotionless, empty void... And I was so thankful. To move is not to feel, to feel is not to move. My body was numb, my mind was dumb.

Then where did these tears come from?

Tears that trail down my eyes like blood dripping from a corpse's wound?

What is this taste in my mouth... so much like acid?

Why does my heart pound so hard even after the hard part has gone?

Maybe the hard part hadn't even started yet.

Maybe the hard part was always after, when the pants stop, and the blood heals. Maybe it was after I face the truth. That... no one really did love me and that hurt the most. That even after I thought my job was done during the war, I was still needed. I was still the little cunt to relieve all of Heero's emotions, to make Wufei forget, like alcohol. And the thing I wanted so badly, that I always wanted since the very first time I spread my legs, was love. The love that Quatre and Trowa had. That bond that you felt when you walked in the room. The stuff that you always admired from a distance... knowing you can't have that.

I didn't want to be the whore. I wanted love. I didn't want to be the cunt. I wanted love.

But I couldn't have that.

I swallowed down the acid, sewed up the bleeding wound, and slowly calmed my heart.

But it wasn't enough.

Then I gradually stood up, successfully not disturbing the killer beside me. I collected what clothes were thrown off, the needed clothes to get to the appropriate place, and slipped them back on.

It still didn't cover it up.

Then, slowly, I trudged back to the cabin, leaving Heero and the tears still glistening on the rocks, behind.

But it was still with me.

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They were so beautiful, lying there. The shadows were trying to eat up the light from the television set, but it still reached the sleeping couple on the couch. Quatre was looking like a scrunched up doll, one leg tucked under him and between the couch, while another was stretched across the brown leather, his bare foot dug under the arm of the love seat, trying to seek warmth away from the cool night air. The rest of his upper body was splayed upon his lover, his tiny nose pressing lovingly to a covered pelvic ab. A trickle of a blonde strand was caught in his fluttering eyelashes, shifting with every closed blink and every eye movement from within as he dreamed. His right hand had fallen up above his head in an odd straight position, dug under Trowa's arm. Though Trowa's arm looked more comfortable, with just the tips of his fingers grazing Quatre's neck. The ex-Heavyarms pilot had rested his head against the other arm of the couch, the dark outlines from the light of TV and the shadows of room covering his eyes more efficiently than his bangs could. His dry lips were parted to breathe; he never breathed through his nose in his sleep. And their two hands had fallen off the side of the couch, reaching to each other just above the ground, but still not touching. Curled, smooth fingers that with a soft shift would encounter the harder flesh of his mate... and then those fingers would undoubtedly intertwine with the other, even in sleep.

Yes, they were so beautiful. Always so beautiful together. The perfect couple. The perfect, soon-to-be married couple. It was like they were always together, even in childhood. They knew each other so well, before they even met. How could I stand up to that? How could I say that I was better for the blonde prince? How could I say that the things Trowa did to me were because he loved me?

"Oh, God... " I whispered and pressed my forehead against the open doorframe. It was cool; the wooden finish smooth to the touch against my greasy forehead. I wanted to cry so bad that it hurt. I was nothing to them. Nothing... nothing! My lips begin to tremble and I tightened my eyes closed. They had everything... love, beauty, admiration, perfection. It was like they were from another world... the example of what a beautiful and happy existence everybody wanted. And I... I wanted it so much!

A small tear slipped past and went down my bony cheek.

I wanted to be loved like that. I wanted to come home and curl up with my lover and fall asleep in his arms. And it hurt so much to see my desire right in front of me that I wanted to cry... and crying would only bring more agony.

Breath trembling past my broken lips, I looked up and peered through my misty eyes. The perfect example was still there, laughing at my heartache. Oh, God... Why... Why did you leave me, Quatre... ?

I didn't even think about what I was doing. But I noticed that my feet were carrying me across the floor and I was nearing my own craving wish. And then I was standing right above them, watching their set breathing and their eyes flicker as they dreamed past my agony that was eating me up inside. So I did the thing I wanted to do so bad... and didn't think anything about being caught or being seen.

I leaned down and ran my fingers across Quatre's forehead, the strand that was caught being freed by my fingertips. So beautiful... in light or day. So elegant... the angel that dreams. My eyes were filled with tears when I brought my head down and placed a gentle kiss upon my once lover's cheek. A tear slipped free from my ravaged eyes and fell upon his flesh. I got up and turned away.

I didn't bother to wipe away my pain from his cheek. It would be gone by morning anyway.

+

Morning was just creeping over the hill when my door opened. I was awake already, not having much to dream about anyway. Instead, I curled up in a futile ball and just stared at my clock, still sitting on the floor. I continued not to think. I continued not to feel. My eyes hurt too much from all the crying I had shed that day aka night before. I wasn't about to start all over again. I wasn't about to do it and make my pillow wet. A wet pillow wasn't something I needed.

"Duo."

It was Trowa. My eyebrows immediately curled up and I rolled onto my back, looking up confused. Why was he in my bedroom? So early, even before Quatre got up? I slowly got up in a sitting position and placed my hands into my lap.

"Oh," I said slowly, eyebrow lifting when my thinker light bulb went off. "I'm sorry about your balls, man."

Trowa coughed and looked away, towards my window. My eyebrow fell again with my confusion. Isn't that what he wanted? An apology?

"I didn't come in here to talk about that," Trowa explained monotonously.

Oh. Well, I didn't think so.

"I wanted to talk about last night."

My heart fell with my head. Great. Couldn't even leave me alone for a minute.

"About Quatre."

"What about him?" I mumbled, sinking down into my bed and pulling the blankets up to my chest. Thinking. I was beginning to think again.

"Do you like him?" Trowa asked slowly. My head jerked up – too fast. I hit the back of my skull against the board and automatically, my hand went up to cover the sore spot. But I just couldn't tear my attention from Trowa to the pain. What did he say?

"Duo... " Trowa sighed, taking my silence and shock for a 'yes'. "I know... what happened with us earlier... " I waited for him to continue, but instead he just stared out the window. Well, if he wasn't going to say it, maybe I should help him along the way.

"Yeah?" I probed. "You mean when you fucked me in the shower? Or when you slammed me up in the middle of the woods? Or how about the shuttle scene-." I cut myself off purposely when Trowa looked at me so sharply that I thought he would slit my throat by his stare. I gulped the rest of my speech down, heart constricting painfully in my chest. Why... Why was he so mad... ?

"Yes," Trowa hissed. "That."

I-If anything... I-I should b-be mad...

"Look, Duo," Trowa said heatedly, his voice nothing above a whisper. "That's over, okay? It was just one big mistake. You tricked me."

What!? Tricked you!?!

"What? Why are you giving me that look?" Trowa said. He was practically snarling at me! "You did trick me, Duo. And I don't even know WHY I came back to you."

I didn't even notice the anger bristling just in the pit of my stomach, snarling for release. Just hours before, I was so envious of the thing he had. The thing I had wanted so much. Something that I couldn't have because I messed up everything in my life. And then, here I was again... refusing to admit that he might be right. I might have done some things wrong, I might have made some mistakes. But to think, Trowa, that I tricked you? I did not! Maybe, once, the very first time! But it was you who came back! I never did anything afterwards! You kept coming back! So why did you come back to me, Trowa? Maybe because Duo Maxwell is the best fucking ass in the Earth Sphere!! 'Cause Duo Maxwell made you beg to stick your fuckin' pitiful cock up my ass!!!

"But listen here. All of that; that's in the past. What I felt for you, that doesn't stand up for what happens now. You don't breathe a word to Quatre, or I swear to God... I won't let you ruin that!"

Is he threatening me? Does he honestly think I would ruin Quatre's life because Trowa Barton, lover of the first love of my life, felt horrible about the whore he shared a bed with?

"And stay away from Quatre," he whispered more venomously. "I saw what you did last night. He's mine and I won't let you trick him like you did to me."

Stay away... ? Trick him... ? Fuck you, Trowa! You think you have it so bad, don't you!? You made those mistakes you are accusing me of! So afraid that perfect little Quatre, your fuckin' angel, would dump you when he's done the exact same thing that you did!: LEAVE ME! My lips parted, my eyes flashing with energized anger. But I could barely scream in outrage, before Trowa stepped in again.

"Shut up! Do you hear? Do you understand?" Trowa threatened, coming right to the edge of my bed. My fists were crumbling up the sheets, so white and pale. I wanted to rip them to shreds, like I wanted to tear Trowa into nothing. Scar his Latin skin, bring a torch right up to his face and burn it all off. But I did none of that. I didn't do what my imagination did in my head. Instead, I let him walk away. Back straight, head held up high. I glared at the door he disappeared through, breathing deeply through my parted lips. I had to find some control. Find some control to the anger that was ripping me up inside, tearing my sanity into shreds. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that Trowa thought I was the cause of all his guilt, of all his painful mistakes. Like I had shot him in the back. I didn't do anything!! I didn't! I offered, he took and took and took and took! Even when I hated it, he took! His past was his! Not mine! Nothing! I did nothing!

I grabbed my pillow, gripping onto it tight. I stared at the cover, at the unmistakable designs in the fabric. And then I beat it down over and over again on my legs, screaming inwardly in rage. How dare he blame me for his pain! How dare he think I was proud of the fact that I bounced on his cock like I was on a trampoline! How dare he think I have no pain, no suffering in this ugly skin!!

I struck again and again, but it didn't hurt me. I wish it did. I struck again and again.

How dare any of them ignore me! How dare they forget about me and what I did for them!!!!

I wanted to scream so badly. I was panting, making small noises in my throat, but I didn't speak. I just kept striking my legs until I couldn't stand it. I threw the pillow away and it hit my closed window. I started beating my legs and bed with my fists in wild vengeance.

How could they do this to me!? I saved their fucking lives!! I was the hero! I was the hero!! You should all be thanking me! You should have all this pain; you should have all this PAIN!!

I cried then, tears trekking down my cheeks. But I didn't stop; my control was out the window, lost in the woods. I kept striking even as my arms got tired and my legs were sore. I kept falling the fists I wanted to slam in their faces.

Would you all be so happy if you went through what I did!? How would you like it if I took you whenever I wanted, slapped you around whenever I got angry, fucked you until we both bled!? There is my agony! There is my insanity! Your cocks! Your cocks ruined me!!! And mine should ruin yours!!

I couldn't stop myself from pounding the bed. I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop... !

How dare you be happy while I was miserable!!

How dare you forget everything I gave you!!

How dare you blame me!!

How dare you keep raping me!!

How dare you get away with it!!

You're all bastards! I hate you, I hate you!

I'll never love you again! I'll never save you again! Without me, you're nothing! You're nothing!!

Your cocks are my pain!! Your hands are my agony!!

I'll make you all pay! I will! I'll make you all wish you fucking died!!!

My beating slowed; I was panting heavily through my tears.

I'll make you pay! I'll make you pay!

I'll make you pay. I'll make you pay.

I'll make you pay... I'll make you pay... .

My right fist connected with the bed one last time.

I will...

I won't forgive you...

... you'll pay...

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