This + Part 8 (cont)
Memories were picking me apart. Even in my dreams, they didn't leave me
alone. The agony was even still there, the frustration burning me away.
I dreamt of that stupid school again, the last place Heero and I had a
mission with just the two of us. It was close to the end of the war, sometime
after I was kidnapped, and the stress was higher than usual when I was
in that suffocating building. It was the place where it all fell apart,
where I lost what sexual interest I had and Heero began to get more...violent
in his demands. Stress must have been eating him up as well.
"You were drinking? In front of him?"
"He handed it to me. He said it was Wufei's."
"Don't drag me into this."
"We should wait until he wakes up."
Something cold brushed against my forehead and I winced at the stinging
sensation unconsciously. They were talking about me. Could have come to
some conclusions that Trowa was innocent...fuck, fuck, fuck. It couldn't
come to this. I shouldn't have blacked out; I should have stayed awake
I shouldn't have let my ass get kicked so fucking good! But it had to
be believable...had to make it real...like it almost happened.
"He's coming to."
"You shouldn't have even taken the drink."
"Now look at him. Look what you did!"
"I didn't do anything! I didn't even finish the drink!"
"You guys, he's waking up."
"He said you did it!"
"He wouldn't lie!"
"How do you know!?"
How does he know, hm, Quatre? He thinks I lie because he blames all his
itty, bity problems on me. Problems that aren't even an inkling to mine.
But do I complain? Do I go on a tangent, blurting out my secrets, my desires,
and how...I'm not getting enough fucking attention?
"Don't you point your finger at me! Don't you ever threaten me!"
"I'm not threatening you! I'm saying-."
"Why does everything have to be some debate to you? Why can't we
"You're the one who started yelling!!"
"Get me out of here, Wufei," I grumbled, brushing away the wet
cloth on my forehead as I tried to help myself up from my laying position.
I felt, rather than saw, Wufei all too willingly pull me up and I let
myself lean most of my weight against him.
"If you two would just calm down-."
"Stay out of this, Heero, If Quatre wants to believe th-that moron,
that liar, fine. Its not like I ever lied to him before."
"I AM in the room you know-."
I didn't listen to the rest of the argument as Wufei helped me outside
of the room, taking my mind onto more important matters. Quatre believed
me that's all that mattered. Now I just had to keep that trust. The
next phase of my plan was just underway.
Finished. Finally finished. I looked at the pistol in my hand, laying
on the bed with a pillow supporting me against the bed frame. My legs
felt numb for some reason. I wondered if it was because of the position
I had been in for hours or the reason was of the next few days I knew
I would have to endure. I had turned off the light some time ago that
was next to my bed - Quatre must have set it up there at one point of
time - and now I looked at the gun with the only help of the moon. It
was so beautiful. The moon made it shine, made it look holy and perfect
in its black metal. I caressed the surface fondly, eyes entranced with
the sight. I didn't even blink, even when my eyes began to sting and water
in the corners. This was the next step. This beautiful thing was the next
step. I caressed it harder, breath quickening with...with what I can only
describe as lustful glee. This beautiful machinery would be the starting
point. The bullet would be the bang to everything that would unravel in
these stupid men's lives. It would cut the flesh perfectly, pour all the
sins and dirt out...
I shuddered. So fucking beautiful.
I closed my eyes then, the sockets sighing with relief as the dryness
began to cease away. The end of the gun rubbed against the corner of my
lip with the fondness that I made it give to me. I opened my mouth and
took the cold, black pistol into my mouth, sucking on it with urgency
I can't describe. I wanted to suck the bullet out so it would go right
through the back of my head, go into my brains perhaps and splatter the
insanity all over the walls. The stain would never go away. Insanity never
really leaves its owner...there's always a tread of blood and guts following
it. The stain would never wash out where it falls.
I released the metal suddenly and wiped the gun against my pants as I
stood up quickly. My Ice pills spread across the blanket on my bed. Heero
"Heero," I whispered close to his ear, curled up on one side
of his bed. "Listen to me."
The boy stirred and tossed a hand up to rub at one of his eyes, but he
didn't open them.
"Listen to me, Heero," I said, adding more urgency to my voice
and with shaky fingers I shook his shoulder. He awoke immediately and
before he could make a sound from his mouth, before he could launch up
from bed to get in what I supposed was a fighting stance, I threw my hand
over his mouth and shoved his jerking head back down. Unconsciously, my
fingers dug into his cheek but I quickly loosened up when I realized that
I might be causing the bastard some pain. No bruises. No bruises yet.
"He might hear us," I said quietly, dragging my hand away and
lingering one my fingers a little too long on his bottom lip. He quickly
licked the place where my fingers once were, turning his head slowly towards
me in a cautious manner.
"Who?" He asked.
"Wufei," I said, slowly rolling onto my back so I could look
away from that fucking perfect _expression. God, how I hated him.
"He's on the other side of the house from here," Heero pointed
out with a confused tone. I smirked slightly, shaking my head with a small
(and forced) tremor.
"He'll notice I'm missing..." I said, hinting around the subject
with delicate finger brushes.
There was a pause. "...Missing?"
"I'm with Wufei, Heero," I said slowly, reaching up the hand
he would notice to brush at my dry eyes. He immediately caught it by the
elbow and before he could pull it away, I lightly licked at the dry digit
as it passed. Heero's fingers enclosed around it seconds later and then
shakily he drew away the hand away, but he still held my arm.
"I...didn't know," he said.
"No one does," I answered. "Sometimes...I don't even know
if we are."
"You're crying?" Heero asked for a confirmation and I felt his
fingers stroke the finger he tested just a moment before. "You're
"I want to be with you," I whispered, closing my eyes. For some
reason, my eyes prickled with tears. I'm not sure why. "But he won't
let me go."
"Why? Have you tried?"
I swallowed loudly, taking in a shuddering breath, as I reopened my eyes
to roll them upwards to stop the pointless drops leaking free from my
violet pupils. I fought for my hand to wipe the wetness away, but Heero
refused to let go. I chose the other hand and slowly brushed away the
"Yeah," I replied. When I didn't continue, I heard Heero shift,
readied to open his mouth to speak when I suddenly rolled my head over
to look at him. I didn't have to rub at my eyes to make them red - these
burning tears did it already.
God damnit, why was I crying?
"He started it you know," I said slowly, watching his face with
an intensity that even startled me.
There was a pause and I recognized the way Heero's eyes flickered as the
information slowly digested into his system. His lips thinned out, and
his eyes changed, grew harder. I knew the _expression well. I saw it many
times when he was fucking me to Jupiter. Every time...after that night...
Neither him nor I said anything for a long time. I watched him until my
eyes began to dry and I wiped away the dried trails from my cheeks, disgusted
with myself. There was no reason for real tears. So why did I get into
my role so much, so well? I almost even started to believe myself, that
some of these bruises could have been very well done by Wufei's hand.
But those bruises, those marks...those wounds died the very night he caused
them. With a long-sleeved shirt or a turtleneck, the damage disappeared
and they sunk into my skin. The bump would swell inwardly and the dirt
from the unclean wound would join the rest. But even if you couldn't see
the bashes anymore...I knew where every one of them laid. My body was
littered with them and every time I looked in the mirror, I saw those
ugly gashes and the hands that caused them, or the mouth that did it.
I could tell you the story of the welt that was on my spine for a month,
I could tell you who caused the cut lip that stung every time I moved
it. I remembered every single thing they did to me, every touch and caress
that stung and hurt and pleased and burned and loved.
But they don't.
I wished I didn't remember the tears that I shed on the pillow, on the
carpet. I wished I forgot that ugly wetness in my eyes because I was too
weak to cry out anymore for them to stop. So I cried instead. I cried
so much that there should be an ocean for it, but instead they drizzled
then evaporated just as quickly. The evidence of my shame soaked away;
the result of my pain dying with a splattered drop upon the pavement.
Maybe the reason I was crying this time was because I was telling the
"Do you like me, Heero?" I asked quietly and his eyes flickered
back up to my face. He started to say something again but I interrupted.
"Do you love me?"
"Why would you ask something like that?" He asked in a startled
"Because I have to know," I said. In more ways then one. "Do
Many emotions flashed through his face in that brief moment. Many that
I didn't understand or couldn't place. His eyes moved a lot, from my eyes
to my lips in a back and forth pattern. I waited, patient and blank, and
perhaps it was because my face was so emotionless that he took so long
"Yes," he answered quietly.
And perhaps, if I returned an inkling on his affections, I might have
smiled. I might have jumped up and down with joy. I would have hugged
him and kissed him and felt incredible joy. He was probably hoping for
that, waiting for my excitement and relief to break through my stoic mask.
Just like the movies.
Well, you all know movies mean jack shit to my life.
Instead, I simply rose a bit with the help of my elbow and closed the
space between us. I saw his eyes flicker close, awaiting for the lips
that touched his so many, many times before. I didn't even shut my eyes
half way. I paused above him, feeling sick in my stomach just gazing at
him so close-up, before I tensed and moved away loudly and quickly. His
eyes immediately snapped open and he jerked into a sitting position as
I crawled hastily off his bed.
"I heard him," I said in a rushed whisper. "I have to go
back-I'll-I'll come back when he's asleep."
"Duo-," he called but I was out the door and closing it. I sighed
heavily, lifting a shaky hand to my dry lips. One down. One more to go.
God, I hoped I was strong enough to do this.
I froze, lifting my head, the knob half-turned as I was about to close
the door. I heard Wufei shift from his bed, crawling off and walking slowly
to me. I continued to stiffen until my neck and shoulders hurt. My grip
on the knob whined pathetically when I felt gentle fingertips crawl up
my spine over my green t-shirt and upwards. I closed my eyes slowly, eyelashes
flickering against my cheeks, and tilted my head towards the ceiling,
feeling my heavy braid pull it back helpfully.
"Duo?" He questioned again. I whirled around then when I felt
his hand nearly on my neck and I threw myself into his startled arms,
clinging one arm over his shoulder and another around his waist. I gritted
my teeth, stomach retching and my legs growing numb. I should have taken
more Ice for this...
"Make him stop..." I whispered, lifting my head so my lips passed
his ear. My eyes flickered open and close, gazing around the bedroom I
was just in yesterday morning. My eyes hesitated but it was no use. They
fell upon the bed. It was probably the stupidest thing I could have done.
//Withering on the bed, our lips over each other, panting, wanting. I
gripped his shirt, trying to split it apart. I wanted that golden flesh.
I wanted to bury my hands in it, dig in, and touch the dirt that laid
underneath, the saliva and cum that was still there under the surface.
I wanted it, wanted to grip onto it and pull it into the light. Remember
when you fucked me senseless, Wufei? Here's my release - I'm so happy
you still carry it with you, you mother fucker.
"You gonna fuck me, Wufei?" I whispered, grinning as I met up
to meet one of his dry thrusts. "You wanna fuck this whore? Come
on, fuck me, Wufei. Fuck my ass, fuck me, fuck me, Wuf-mmmppph."//
I stared lifelessly at the scene, suddenly all feeling leaving my body.
I think my body was falling too, but I couldn't tell. I had fallen a long
//"Fuck, Wufei...you're so hot..." I whispered as I sat in his
lap, running my nails down his chest. He withered underneath me, his arms
shaking with pleasure as he held himself up under my examination, his
bent knees shifting against my back. I smirked slowly, brushing my wet
bangs away from my sticky forehead, arching my back to feel that heavy
cock behind me.
"But you know that, don't you, baby?" I asked silkily, rolling
my hips long and slow. "You want me, Wufei? You want me?"
"Y-Yes," his shuddering whisper came.
"Then come on and fuck me already."//
"Duo!" Wufei said urgently, trying to keep me sitting up on
his bed. His hands were on my shoulders again. "Stop who? Duo, wake
up. Stop looking like that...don't cry, please...Duo..."
I could still smell it. It was all around me and the first series of emotion
was caused by my stomach. Like a domino effect with the twist of my stomach,
I could suddenly feel the tears showering down my face and I raised horrified
fingers to my flesh, trying to hide what was obviously there. Why were
tears so real, so noticeable? Why didn't they see the pain that was so
apparent as they took off my clothes? Why could they see these ugly things?
Why could they see them and not me?
"Why are you crying? What happened?" He asked, hands over mine,
trying to tear them away. I tossed my head to the side, pushing back his
hands then embracing them and then just letting them go.
"I'm so tired, Wufei," I sobbed softly, drawing a hand behind
me. "I'm so tired of being his."
I closed my eyes, shaking my head as if throw all the tears back down
to the well where they belonged.
"I think...I think I'm bleeding, Wufei..." I whispered, slowly
drawing up my wounded leg. "Would you look for me?"
I felt his shaky hands on my leg and slowly, I leaned back, showing the
bandaged thigh my sleep shorts revealed.
"Did Trowa do this?" Wufei asked angrily as he started removing
a bit of the bandage.
"No," I whispered with a dead chuckle. "This one is Heero's."
"Heero?" Wufei asked startled, looking up. "What? When?"
"Does it matter?" I asked drearily, trying to not look at the
bed where I laid. I curled my eyes to the ceiling.
"Why? Why would Heero do...Oh, my god..." Wufei trailed off,
staring at my exposed wound. I knew it was deep. It hurt like a bitch,
don't you know. Nothing that made me want to limp could be just a shallow
"Did you clean this?" He asked hastily.
"I don't really remember," I said carefully, my eyes slowly
taking on a hazy look. I knew Wufei noticed.
"Are you all right?" He asked slowly, quietly.
"Tired. Very, very tired," I drawled, drawing my gun into view
as I glanced at the clock. I should have been back in Heero's room by
"Where'd you get that?"
"I'm going to finish it, Wufei," I said, nodding dazedly. "I'm...so
fucking sick of this..."
"Sick of what?"
"Him. Heero," I said, closing my eyes tightly as I threw my
head back, wiping furiously at my tears with the gun.
"Heero...?" Wufei said slowly, cautiously.
"I'm going to make him stop!" I shouted loudly with saddened
anger. "He won't do this to me if I'm dead!"
I paused, sniffling and held the gun against my forehead, mediating with
that beautiful, cold flesh. So different from all their hands. So different
from all their lips.
"Do you love me, Wufei?" I asked suddenly, opening my eyes and
looking at him directly.
"Answer me. Do you love me? Or were you kidding before...?"
He didn't answer me. He diverted his eyes away, right to the wound, and
his frown deepened on his face. I started to get afraid; my plan would
be totally ruined if he didn't...if he didn't...
"In bed...you were so...wild..." He whispered.
"I was also drunk," I defended angrily. He couldn't ruin it
all! I wouldn't let him, that mother fucker!
"I need to know, Wufei," I said. My hand tightened on the gun.
"I..." He paused for a moment before sighing and looking up
at me. "I think I do-."
That's all I needed.
"Duo?" someone whispered in the hall. I immediately jerked into
attention, standing up quickly even as my wound hissed angrily at me.
"Its him-you can't let him take me-I won't go-," I stammered,
backing up into the wall. "He'll beat me, Wufei-don't make him-I'm
so tired-Oh, God, oh God, oh God..."
I cocked the gun just as it was ripped out of my fingers.
"I'll handle this," he said angrily, turning around, and going
out the bedroom.
I couldn't help the smirk on my face when I leaned against the wall as
the fighting began.
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