This + Part 9 (cont)
"Are you feeling better?" Quatre asked, asking more with his question
than implied. He was pushing me along like I was some old fart, the squeaky
wail coming with every half turn of the wheel. I sighed into my fist,
staring with apathy at the healthy grass freshly cut over the yard (I
hated the smell) and the sunny rays beaming down at us. The trail was
paved and perfect, other patients walking or rolling by every once and
awhile. I watched them cautiously through my bangs, feeling slightly paranoid
in the broad daylight. Quatre was burning a stare right into my neck and
I nervously scratched at the smoldering point.
"Quatre, would you mind moving those nice blue eyes to some distant object
in the horizon?" I asked, waving wildly to shoo away a fly buzzing in
my face. He laughed good-naturedly behind me and we turned a corner behind
a building. As soon as I assumed we were away from prying eyes of nurses
and doctors, I leaped out of the chair a little too quickly with a
wince and pounded away from a protesting Quatre and into the trees.
"Quatre, give me a break!" I complained loudly behind a willow and I heard
him shuffle loudly in front of me in the grass. "I just got shot. Not
like that hasn't happened before."
"That was some time ago as well!" He argued immediately and I shook my
head, easily moving to the other side of the tree as Quatre walked by.
"You've obviously lost those warly talents in this time of peace, Quat,"
I said, sneaking a peak from around the trunk. "You're making WAY too
Quatre snorted indignantly and turned his head in my direction. I slipped
my head back around and rested it on the bark, fingers grazing the smooth
surface of the tree.
"I'm fine, by the way," I said a moment later, realizing it was suddenly
quiet. I squinted my eyes around me, feeling a little bit unnerved to
find Quatre's footsteps silenced.
"That's nice," he replied and I jerked away from the tree, suddenly finding
my wrist snared in Quatre's strong grip. I stumbled and fell with an ‘oof',
Quatre falling on top of me with a laugh. I huffed into the grass, drilling
my free fingers into the dirt.
"You tricked me," I mumbled into the green lawn.
"Remember," he said as he rolled off of me, "that I was the strategist
for all four of you." I rolled over as well, slowly because of my sore
ribs and Quatre's head collapsed onto my pelvis regions. I winced momentarily
before relaxing and slapped my hand on his pale forehead. He laughed and
shoved it aside into his hair, where my fingers stayed and caressed the
expensive mane that was probably soaking in even more expensive shampoo.
I let myself drift in the silence around the hospital, sleepy eyes staring
at the glistening trees with the sun slipping through their branches.
I felt Quatre relaxing under my fingertips, hearing him shift in the grass
as he curled up in on himself with a sigh. I smiled slightly, forgetting
for that one moment that I wanted to ruin Quatre's life the way he ruined
mine. That I'd rather be strangling his neck then stroking his hair.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Quatre sighed into my clothing,
Well, for that one moment, I forgot.
"I wanted to apologize," I replied softly, stilling my hand and letting
it fall onto his scalp.
"For what?" He asked, but I knew he knew what I was talking about. His
eyes peeked open.
"For yesterday," I sighed, twisting my head to the side so I didn't have
to look at him. "I was being a real jerk. About Trowa. About us."
"No," he said but I ignored him.
"I mean, Trowa is a real good guy," I whispered and closed my eyes, imagining
him in that black suit when he had stepped into my apartment after I had
screwed up their wedding. God, how different I was back than. How my feelings
have changed since that day. I was still hopeful then and reserved and...
screwed up. Instead of facing my problems, I had drowned them away with
alcohol. I had still loved them back then. How I loved them. And hated
them. I hated them for what they gave me in return. I loved them for the
rare sincerity they would toss in my direction now and then. I wanted
to be accepted, loved in return, and wanted by them. I wanted my presence
to be needed. I needed to know that they wanted me to be there with me.
But they didn't. I knew, deep down inside that they were lying to my face.
That they only wanted me around for what pleasure I could give them. Maybe
even popularity. Like Quatre's wedding. It wouldn't be complete if one
of the Gundam members were missing. They kept me around because they were
sorry for me - sorry for what they had done mostly. Screwed the poor bastard
and then just left. They pitied my life. They needed redemption for what
they done. What they made me become. A slut. A whore. But I didn't want
their pity, their guilt! I wanted love and affection and honesty! I wanted
them to need me. I wanted that they couldn't live without me. But they
couldn't give that to me. Because it wasn't true not true at all.
They just needed a release. An escape. Heero and Wufei still needed the
orgasm I freely give them. That pedestal of passion where they could forget...
forget something. They drowned it into me with their cum and I held it
inside, caressing the pain they tried to forget. I kept it and it just
made me hurt and scream more. Made my hate begin to grow. It was there,
the entire time. Bristling right under all the fury I held towards them,
because they had forgotten me. I was used up and thrown away and I hated
that fact. I wanted their envy; I wanted them to see me and love me
not to be some redemption or some drug. Now I wanted nothing from them.
Except pain. I wanted them to feel the pain I felt everyday. I wanted
to shove all their smart remarks back in their faces; I wished to tear
down their perfect walls of reality, destroying their lives, until they
turned to drinking, until they turned to drugs to escape the betrayal.
Like me. I wanted them to be just like me. Insane with fury and wanting
nothing more than revenge for the life they ruined. For the life they
kept hammering on until there was nothing left just bits and pieces
all over the floor. And, stupid fools, were trying to glue all the pieces
together. Idiots! Morons! Don't they realize that too many are lost? That
some became dust in their blindness and was gone for good? It was too
late for forgiveness! It was too late for love! None of you will receive
a pardon from me; none of you will ever feel compassion from my lips ever
Unless I was lying to your face.
"He obviously loves you a lot," I continued, looking up through the branches
that tangled and twisted within each other. It reminded me of a web. A
large, complex web filled with holes but too tiny to slip through. A huge
network surrounding my friends, pushing them in and holding them in place.
No way out. I would make sure of it. And then at the right moment I would
pull the string and slllllit off goes their heads.
"I'm sorry if I might have ruined your relationship with him," I said
distantly, feeling Quatre move. "You don't deserve that, Quatre. You're
a b... beautiful person. He may have some rough edges... "
"Duo... " Quatre whispered.
"He's a real lucky guy, you know," I said, lowering my voice, and squinting
my eyes up at the sun ghosting it's way overhead between the branches.
"I can't say that I never wanted to be with you, Quatre, because I really
did. You're wonderful. You... " I choked and swallowed and I felt Quatre's
hand on my cheek, sliding his fingers along the rim of my ear. For some
reason, I didn't twist my head away. "You saw me. An-d... that meant something.
You saw me and still... still liked me."
"Duo... I didn't just like you... "
"Stop!" I hushed, closing my eyes and waving my hand to brush away the
words in the air. "Let me finish... please... "
His protests died in his throat and he was silent.
I paused for another moment, before taking a long shaky breath, and opening
my eyes, "I love you, Quatre, in every way possible. You're always there,
whether I want to kill you or kiss you. You're the best thing that's ever
happened to me and... probably to Trowa too. I... I always thought that
after the war that you and me would... get together. But - I began to
see the hints. Of you and Trowa."
I closed my eyes again, throwing a hand over them to stop seeing this
stupid, ugly world.
"I wanted nothing more than your happiness, Quatre," I whispered. "Because
you're everything I wanted and I was willing to give that up. You're the
person w-who... saw... "
"Its okay, Duo... " Quatre whispered and I shook my head quickly, tearing
my hand away from my wet eyes.
"No! Its not okay anymore!" I said and I grabbed his shirt and pulled
him down closer. He didn't object in anyway possible. I stared up at his
perfect face, blue eyes calm yet filled with emotion and I remembered
how I loved those eyes. How I would want them only on me. I wanted him
to only give me that look eyes that were infinitely peaceful like I
had caused that relaxed gaze. Yet they were always filled with raging
passion, a beauty I wanted to cling onto and pull close to my body. So
I would always feel the same emotion his eyes made me feel
My fist grew slack. He didn't pull away.
"Are you happy anymore?" I asked softly, finding my curled fingers stroking
along his jaw.
"I am right now," he replied. I paused, continuing to stare up at him,
and I forgot for a moment why I was doing this. This is what I always
wanted. I always wanted Quatre and for him to return my emotion, my love.
I wanted him, especially him, to need me, and who couldn't live without
me. If I had you, Quatre, I would be happy. I would never ask for another
thing if I never saw any of the others again, I wouldn't care. Because
I would be the luckiest person in the world. You were with me and you
loved me and no one could change that. That's what I always wanted. Quatre
treated me like a person even when the war just got worse and worse. He
never took his anger out on me, never yelled, and was ever so forgiving
if I made a mistake. He made love to me. We never had sex. When we were
together, he treated me with respect and undying kindness. He made me
feel loved even when it might not have been true.
I pulled him unconsciously closer and my anger and hate died. I wanted
him. I wanted only him and him to be with me forever. I deserved it, didn't
I? Didn't I deserve this moment where his eyes finally look down at me
with the same love he gave Trowa? Hadn't I always waited for this one
moment, this one single moment, where everything was perfect and nothing
in the past mattered anymore. Even when I stumbled away from his caress,
the light brush of his fingertips, I was crying for that something more.
Waiting for the day that his hand would stay and pull me closer. Waiting
for the day he'd say to me...
"Do you still see me, Quatre?" I whispered, swallowing down my anxiety.
He smiled slowly.
"Yes, Duo. I've never stopped seeing you."
Say that to me.
I don't know how it happened. Who met who. Maybe we met halfway. We just
both closed our eyes and our lips met at the same time, in perfect gracefulness
and perfect familiarity. My arms were around his waist, his were around
my neck and we settled against each other. In the war, our bodies were
awkward and different we were both too thin and tiny. But now... after
such a long time I had him in my arms... we melded in all the right places.
He even smelled right. Everything was always right about him. Why had
I given that up? In fact, wasn't I trying to do something before this?
Something... something dealing with him and Trowa... I didn't care. I
had won him over. He wanted me. He was mine.
"Quatre... " I whispered before trying to deepen the kiss.
We were, unfortunately, interrupted.
"Quatre!" Quatre's lips and body were torn abruptly away from me. Cold,
summer air replaced it and also, a shadow. Instinctively, I threw up my
hands to block my face and just in time. A strong, familiar fist fell
not a moment later into my hands, pushing them down into my face. I grunted
angrily and kicked blindly and the fist retreated, another joining its
place. It continued on like that for a few more seconds, fists falling
on my slightly protected face and then onto my sprawled out body before
they stopped. I immediately rolled away, grunting with pain as my ribs
screamed and howled in agony. When I thought I was far enough away, I
stopped and looked up, jerking back my brown strands hurriedly to see
both Quatre and Trowa fighting. Not verbally this time either. Trowa was
trying to drag Quatre away but he wasn't having it and was fighting his
to-be husband with any proud and proper skill of his old wartime days.
And let me tell you, Quatre may be so sweet that you'd get a toothache,
but with fighting he had a good right hook. And Trowa was experiencing
I realized just then that I had seriously fucked up.
Quatre started yelling at Trowa with quite a foul tongue, but I didn't
hear it anymore. The birds had stopped singing, crickets had been squashed
on, and Quatre was put on mute with a remote. My plans were in shambles
all along my feet. This wasn't what I wanted to happen at all. It wasn't!
For once, I was confused. Was that what I wanted to happen? Or did I want
a different outcome to this trickery?
I had wanted to gain Trowa's trust and I knew the only way for that to
come by was to see Quatre betray him. I wanted him to come by and see
Quatre kissing me, while I had faked to fight him off. Trowa would then
be as mad as Quatre and I would have them both in my hands, ready to accept
whatever I told them. But I had totally screwed up! I had... I had gotten
caught up in emotion. Emotion that I thought was killed with the words
Trowa had said to me that morning. I had to remedy the situation, find
some way for Trowa to forgive me, to...
With my heart wrenching painfully, I realized I couldn't do it. Because
I loved Quatre more than I could hardly bear. I loved him and only him
and... fuck with the rest of them! I couldn't hurt Quatre! I couldn't
lie to him! I understood that everything I said was true, that emotion
I felt right now and before was still there. I couldn't bury it. Not any
longer. I wouldn't let anyone hurt him. Especially Trowa.
... Especially me.
"How could you betray me like this?!" Trowa yelled harshly, holding both
of Quatre's wrists so he couldn't hit him anymore.
"I don't even know you!" Quatre yelled back, twisting and fighting so
hard that his wrists were turning red. "You've beaten Duo up all this
time! You keep secrets from me all the time about him! You-."
"You don't know him either!" He shouted, drawing Quatre's withering body
closer to shove the words into his face. "You don't know ANYTHING about
"SHUT UP!" I screamed and their heads jerked to my direction. I shakily
got to my feet, my hand covering my throbbing wound. I stared at Quatre.
"I'm sorry, Quatre," I said slowly.
"Its okay, Duo... " he replied softly. He smiled painfully. "Really."
I watched as Trowa readied his assault for words. But I didn't give him
a chance. Instead, I turned and ran.
I couldn't hurt Quatre anymore.
[part 8] [back] [part
10] [back to Singles l - z]