see ch. 1 for warnings, notes, disclaimer
Warriors + Chapter 4
You've been gone--like, really gone--for five months now. Sometimes it seems like forever. Sometimes it seems like I saw you yesterday. I dream about you a lot. I'm living with Tro and Quatre at the circus for now. I sell tickets and paint kid's faces and help Quatre make costumes. I'm pretty good. They're married, if you can believe that. I was the bridesmaid. Wufei was shocked. You probably would have been, too, though you could have been the best man. Tro would have asked you, you know, if you'd been here to ask.
This letter was Dr. B's dumb idea, so don't laugh. He claims that answering that holocard you sent might do me some good, even though you've done a better than average job of keeping your address secret. Really outdid yourself this time, you asshole.
That sounds kind of angry, doesn't it? But I'm not allowed to erase anything. I promised I'd just keep writing. I don't have to show this to anyone if I don't want to, so I can say anything to you I want.
I love you too, you idiot. I always loved you one way or another. I just didn't think you could love me back. Not that you wouldn't, just that you didn't know how. What's this bullshit then? I love you, Duo. What's that mean, huh? I mean, why would you stay away like that and then tell me that when you were only going to off yourself and go away for good, huh? I swear to god if you were here right now I'd shoot you in the leg again. OK, I am angry. Fuck it, I'm fucking furious with you, you prick! Did you think that would make it easier, to finally get those words from you and then have you die? Fuck you, Heero Yuy. Fuck you and your training and your duty and all that perfect soldier shit.
Shit. It wasn't your fault, OK? Any more than it was my fault getting born in the slums. Neither of us chose but what am I supposed to do now, go piss on J's grave? I might just do that some time. I'll shit on it like a dog.
But not yours. I wish I could put flowers on your grave. That's one of the reasons I'm mad and hurt for the way you did it. If you had to go and die on me, then why can't I have somewhere I can go where some part of you is, even if it's just the bones, and lay down and cry until my tears soak down through the dirt to touch you? Didn't I at least rate that much consideration? Great, now I'm crying again and that's your fault too, god damn it! No one has ever made me cry as much as you, Heero Yuy, so I guess it must be love, right?
Of course I love you! Why didn't I grab you and hold you down and tell you that over and over again until you got it? Why did I let you slip away like that? I could have gone to you when you were with Relena but I was so sick and tired from it all and it always seemed like tomorrow was soon enough. I guess I was a little pissed even then that you chose being around her over being with me. And then you were gone! Oh Heero, I'm so sorry!
Did you think I didn't care? That I'd forgotten about that night? I never did. I thought you meant what you said, though, about it being a mistake. You seemed so shocked, so angry with yourself and you wouldn't listen! I wish I could go back to that night and get my head clear enough to figure out better what I was feeling so I could have helped you. God, I wish you'd gone through with it, young and confused as we both were. I wish you'd just done me, even if it did hurt. Even if we did it wrong and totally messed it up. Just to not be left with nothing but the memory of the guilt in your eyes. Even fear. That's the only time I ever saw you look afraid of anything and it was yourself. Or was it me? Maybe I scared you. I guess it doesn't matter now. We fucked up, huh?
Fuck, I can hardly see to write now but I just can't stop. Damn you, Dr. B, if you read this. Is this supposed to make me feel better? I feel like shit! Fucking shit! Now I have to go have Trowa beat the sadness and fear out of me again and frankly, it's more than a little embarrassing to ask for it, even if he is such a good sport about it. He and Kat both. They are such good friends. They'd have taken care of you, too, Heero, if it wasn't me you wanted. That would have been OK. OK, maybe that's not really true. But fucking better than this hell, anyway.
God I wish you'd fucked me that night. I didn't think you'd ever get around to trying again, but I saved myself for you anyway. I still can't give it up to anyone. How stupid is that? Still waiting for Mr. Right, even though there's only one Mr. Right and now you're gone and you never wanted it anyway. I am such a fool. And I'm still angry at you and that hurts because all I want is to feel the love I have for you. I can't even take comfort in that because it wasn't enough and I'm angry and thinking about you just brings back all the pain and every dream I have about you is about almost getting to you and not making it or thinking I see you on some city street and following and chasing and going through all sorts of difficulties and shit and then when I finally get to you and you turn around it's not even you. It's some stranger. Those are the worst. Even when I'm awake sometimes it happens. It happened today on the way here to Dr. B's. I actually followed the guy for six or seven blocks before he turned a corner and I saw that he wasn't you. I mean, I knew that it probably wasn't but I couldn't not follow him. But it wasn't and when I saw it wasn't I sat down on some total stranger's stoop and cried, right there in the street. Probably be in the news. Everything else is. I can't even get a job except for what Trowa gets me because of the fucking reporters. Not much for "former Gundam boys" with serious mental problems to do. I'm going to be one of those crazy vets with a three-legged dog, collecting shopping carts full of beer cans and old shoes.
Maybe you had the right idea, Heero. If I thought you'd be waiting for me on the other side, maybe I'd take that leap one more time, for real, no mistakes this time. But last time I didn't see any tunnel or bright light. I didn't see Solo or Sister Helen waiting for me. Maybe I didn't get far enough that time. I don't know but I'm not quite ready to find out. Not today. That's my anti-suicide motto, by the way. Not today. That's it. Pretty simple, huh? I wish you'd given me your address so I could have sent it to you. I wish you'd trusted me enough to give me your fucking address, you shit!
Sometimes when I'm really down I think maybe you hated me and wanted to stay away because of that. But why did you keep writing? You're not the kind to do it out of cruelty. I mean, those emails didn't say much, but you did always say you hoped I was well. I'd rather you'd have come see for yourself that I'm not. But you didn't do it to be mean. I'm sane enough to know that. I still remember you well enough to know that you didn't operate that way. Killing yourself? There's plenty of precedent for that, but you were never mean. People though you were cold, emotionless, but I knew it was just you being you. Being Yuy. See, I can still crack a joke. I'm not done with life as long as I can still do that, maybe?
Well, my hour is almost up with the doc and I've used up all the tissues, yet again. He sees me cry a lot, the doc does. Guess it helps a little. I wish you could have talked to him. He even said he wished he could have helped you. He wouldn't say that lightly, Heero. He's as honest as I am and never bullshits. Why didn't you let someone help you? He says maybe you did. He says for all we know, maybe you had a boyfriend or a wife or some whole other life, but I don't think so. I think you were alone. If you were so happy with someone else you either would have told me because let's face it, you wouldn't have known how to be tactful, or you would have just stopped writing to me. You were alone, more alone than me. At least I've got the guys. You could have been with us. Why weren't you with us?
Guess I'm still pissed at you, Heero, but I love you and I'll always love you and I fucking wish you were here with me right now, even if it was just for you to give me one of those pissed-off looks of yours. I wish I could tease you about that to your face. I wish you were here. I wish I had somewhere to send this. The empty feeling inside me just seems to get bigger and bigger the more I write so I don't know what good this is doing, except that it makes me feel like you're really there to hear me and it makes it hard to stop. Guess Trowa's arm will be sore before he's done with me tonight. I wonder, if you were here, if you'd want to do things like that. Then again, would I need it? I don't know.
I love you Heero. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll always, always love you.
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